Megan't

Poor thing.

She seemed so fun. So full of life. So...gay.

She gave doofus...

She gave Ewok...

What's not to love?

A crying shame, her elimination is...

22. Jaeda

What's great about this isn't as much that she's crying in response to Tyra's mandate of a Halle Berry haircut -- it's that just moments before, Jaeda tried to make herself out to be super easy going about matters of the hair.

What an asshole.

23. Jaeda

Tears of anticipation become tears of realization in the single best makeover meltdown in ANTM history.

I think at this point, she contemplated strangling herself. What is life without long hair but an endless series of Miracle Grow doses?

I mean, please it isn't that ba...

OK, yeah it is.

24. Melrose

What a baby! She looks so much younger than usual!

25. Monique

She went to the right place to be pissy! She should drag her bed in there.

26. Michelle

It's hard to say for sure, but it would seem that her sister Amanda is also crying in the background. It would make sense: they are twins, you know.

Tyraism of the week:

"...and a girl that thinks she's better than everybody else needs some hair, gurl!" This is from a woman whose name has become virtually synonymous with "lace front."

And now for the nonsense.

1. Makeover bonanza!!!

I'm not going to comment on everything because I don't know these bitches like that (yet). I will say that the brown takes Brooke from illicitly fuckable to just-plain fuckable (I mean that as a compliment). CariDee looks like Amy Poheler in a Halloween store...

I was like, "Oh, they're kidding, right? September fools!"

And...no. They're serious. Is that fake hair or fishing line?

Megg was happy about her newly ggiggantic hair, for it will allow her to do "more headbanging."

So she not only has a wonderful grasp on what it takes to be a model, but she's also a master at weave upkeep.

I hear barbecue sauce is a great conditioner if you want to keep up that trailer-park frizz.

And how awesome was the mock-up sketch for Megg's ggiggantic hair?

Clearly, that belongs on the hood of a car.

Who wouldn't drive that, especially if it was in Kuwait -- they'd get a real kick out of it, don't you think?

Jaeda, Jaeda, Jaeda.

Honestly, I think she had every reason to cry. I don't really understand the line of thinking that goes, "You look mannish. Let's enhance it!" And seriously, why'd they stop there? Why didn't they give her...

...broader shoulders?

A pair of chic, vintage sideburns?

A handlebar?

Shit, if they're so into beefing up her masculinity, why didn't they just go all the way and turn her into a full-on leather daddy?

After her makeover, Jaeda said, "I just feel so masculine. I feel like I lost my, like, girlish thing going on." Wait, so Tyra made over Jaeda's woman bits as well? Maybe she did go all-out...

But my favorite makeover was one that wasn't even really a makeover, just a sprucing up, really. Ladies and gentlemen, I present this cycle's light of my life and would-be fire of my loins...

HUGE crush on this girl.

Will she marry me?

2. Know what else makes Anchal hot? Her sass.

That hand flutter is some raging Mariah Carey-type shit. Anchal is the only girl brave enough to read Monique when she decided to spend over three hours on the phone, after she was all salty from being disqualified from the challenge.

I really thought that Monique worshiped only herself.

Those are quotes from her mom, by the way. Shocking that her attitude comes from above, I know.

Anyway, Anchal got all up in her face and seriously made my heart flutter.

My hero! I love a woman who isn't afraid to get blurry.

But then again, Monique is nasty and everything but she's hardly capable of real harm.

The bitch says, "Kiss my grits," for child of God's sake! What are the girls afraid she's gonna do, spit in their home fries?

Oh, and by the way: Ding, ding, ding, y'all. We have the first girl of the cycle to proclaim that she's "not here to make friends." And see, I thought that she was just playing hard to get.

3. But still in tribute of Monique's assholishness, I've devised a simple equation that illustrates her makeup.

Hm. Maybe I'll just start Photoshopping that weird green hair part in every picture of her.

Even better, while looking for shark pictures, I stumbled upon a piece of clip art that's maybe the most apt comparison of all...

Interestingly enough, the cute fins the shark is standing (?) on resemble the aforementioned green Grinch hair part. Everything is connected!

Monique did score points, however, for apparently thrusting her vagina juice in Melrose's face.

Seriously. That is some tangy gangsta shit.

I also love that Monique fuels enough ire to cause the girls (and...women?) to imitate her.

This one isn't an impression of Monique...

...but it should be.

4. I can't believe it's taken me this long to say that this episode's photo shoot was (said in Tyra Banks voice...although, really, most of what I say in my head is in Tyra Banks voice) the worst in the history of ANTM (I almost wrote "shitstory of ANTM," which really might be the best word for it, considering). Ugh. I hate that Jay Manuel is bent on making these women look like clowns. And not even that, but telling them to further clownify their faces via their expressions.

(That alone counts as treason, right?)

He just wants them to look as stupid as possible.

And this. AND THIS:

...had the potential to be the worst disaster since Lluvy's fishface. However, Michelle, as they say in ANTMese, turned it out. Oh, and I know that this is redundant, as she referred to herself as Toucan Sam already, but...

I just wanted to see if she was right!

As far as the finished product goes, what was everyone on when they were praising Melrose?

I would have expected for at least Miss J to say something like, "She's dead as a doorsnail." (Because seriously, "Rah, rah, rah, shish-goom-bah"? Is he new to that whole English thing?)

Suzanne Somm...his.

Um, Ne-Yo, anyone?

And here's what I have to say about Monique's unfortunate shot:

5. So yeah, it's probably partially the fault of that fucking photographer (who also did that hideous zodiac shoot of Cycle 4, which featured the aforementioned WORST PICTURE IN THE HISTORY OF ANTM, as well as hat hooks made to be antlers for Naima ), but I choose to blame Jay for the hideousness of the shoot ("hair wars in the hood, girl" be damned). And seriously, his temper tantrum over the girls getting upset over their makeovers was so gross. Gay gasp gross. Doesn't he expect it by now? Doesn't he know that without crying bitches, ANTM just wouldn't be ANTM?

"To see these young girls, who supposedly wanted to be here so badly just kind of throw it off and say, '(Gay gasp) I don't like it,' it just disgusts me and it makes me not want to be here." You hear that, girls? It's forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. To leave to go out and just leave and go home and make a clean cut here and say "No way, Jay. You're not putting up with these people," and he'll tell why he can't put up with you people because you're bastard people! That's what you are! You're just bastard people and he's goin' home and he's gonna bite his pillow.

And speaking of that, I love all the talk of "queens" in this episode.

"You're gonna put together your own new, young queen look." I don't know what Jay knows about being a young queen, but he's definitely got the old-queen thing down.

All he needs is an ascot and a hankie to complete the look!

6. That whole exercise, by the way, with the elevators and quick changes, was so stupid. I did, however, love to hear Brooke explain her look.

"I'm still in high school, so the first thing I thought when I thought, "Queen," was prom queen!" I have no real grasp on Brooke's capabilities, but I know that no matter what, she could do a bang-up job as a Tupperwear saleswoman. I think QVC may even be in her future!

7. Oh, and speaking of old queen, all hail:

I suppose this whole, "What if Peter Pan and Tinkerbell mated and their child was babysat by Snow White" look falls under the realm of "personal style," but seriously: how is it chic at all to so closely resemble the Peter Pan guy?

8. Oh, and that new theme song? Hideous. The best thing about the old one is that besides the, "You wanna be on top"s, it was just incomprehensible babble, thus matching the show's true spirit. This has a verse and shit. I can't be bothered to listen to lyrics! As soon as I hear, "Previously!!!!!" every week, my mind immediately turns to mush for an hour. I can't decode what I can only assume to be poetry of the most eloquent sort.

It's great to see her so early, though. Did you even know that she was on this show? True story!

9. I love the twins in a totally fetishistic way, but god, this show lays that shit on thick.

They don't get their own screen in the credits? I mean, are they trying to fool us into believing they're conjoined?

And they're constantly discussed as a pair. "Up next is your sister, Amanda." Of course she is!

Seriously, it's fucking twins. It's like the idea of a multiple birth is this earth-shattering concept to Tyra. Someone please buy her an non-spayed dog so that she can experience the gift of many lives at once, first-hand.

10. I'm sending you out with the first-runner-up for this recap's Tyraism of the Week.

"(Deflated and crestfallen horn sound)"

Always full of insight, that one!

Comments

[Citadelle]

Brilliant. Jaded. Fierce.

[Uhhhyeah]

Did you know that Michelle (twin 1) is a lesbian too?

[Alice]

Way to reference the Peter Pan guy, that is just the icing on the delicious sugary cake that is you and your ANTM recaps. Seriously, I was getting the DTs waiting for this one to go up.

[ernestine]

Does anyone else totally see Mayim Bialik, aka 'Blossom', in Megg? Especially when she does her "Rawwwk!" shriek with squinty eyes?

[Jude]

Yay! I've missed your ANTM recaps so much!

Anchal is amazingly gorgeous.

[sarah]

i'm devastated about the new theme song.
during our weekly antm + wine/bread/cheese/tiramisu parties, we would always do a dance referred to as the 'happy wrist dance' to the na-na-na's of the song.

so sad.
rip happy wrists.

[Michael]

lol! i can't believe you went there with the ne-yo reference, haha!

[Pretty Freckles]

WOW...that NEYO comparison made me snort...LMAO!

[Drew]

XDDDDDDDDDD

great recap, but you might have forever ruined my 'leather Daddy' fetish. damn you! I'm suprised that you didn't talk about the sketches

[jammer]

omigod, rich, i have been on my deathbed waiting for this recap all day. the monique/grinch/shark thing???? seriously one-ups the furonda/gremlin ish from last season. brilliant. and whateverhomegirl'snameis/ne-yo. and the reference to the that peter pan fool. too too much. i tell you this, though--those twins turn it out. just like some other twins we know (aswirl!).

[sherry]

It's not everyday someone can throw in that Waiting for Guffman quote. Well done!

[Emma]

Did anyone else think this episode was really, really boring? Maybe the premiere was hard to live up to, but seriously...

[Genesis]

i hate the theme song too bleh XP

[NotOkay]

Soooooooooooooooo worth the wait! I was just dying reading the whole thing. Reading this after watching the show is like salt on fries.

[Jessica]

Oh goodness. Ne-Yo in red and black feathers -- so hilarious. Sadly, though, I think he's ten times prettier than the girl in that shot ...

[Casey]

Megg's new hippie weave causes girl-child to somewhat resemble Ani Difranco. (Look, Twins, a folk-singer!)

[michelle!]

thank god you noticed how stupid melrose looked.

and how about the fact that there were self-titled 'weavologists' in this episode.

[geekdandy]

When I saw the promos for the new season of ANTM I thought most of the girls where pretty plain. Now I see that they are really beautiful men.

Not to change the show subject but I hope the Peter Pan guy is one of the designers on Project Runway next season. His "fashion pages" show about as much diversity at Uli does.

[lc]

I am so glad I wasn't at work whilst reading this. You've truly outdone yourself with that Monique picture.

[bird]

Saved the best ham for last, eh?

[kathryn]

I knew that hair reminded me of something, and I'm glad you let me know what... god.. that Peter Pan guy. XD

Yeah the new theme song does suck royally. Do they even ask people in the office about it. SOMEONE has to have ears over there.

Those makeover portraits were ridiculously cheesey, this season is summed up in those portraits.

[Christine]

On fire! Monique and the grinch?!? You are fabulous. And any reference to ewoks is GOLD.

[Black Cherry Rinse]

Long live Corky St. Clair!!!!!

[Jennifer]

just too wonderful, as always! heart!

[Janie]

Not only was this recap worth the wait, I'd wait years for a recap this good.
Love that Peter Pan Guy and Corky St. Claire get mentioned.