Rock and roll is dead

The only thing that helps the hurt in my heart from losing model Megg is the promise of model/musician Megg.

"I'm planning on, y'know, me and my friend we're gonna start like a two-person band. I'll be a musician model. We'll see what happens, man." That we certainly will. If Megg needs any help promoting this endeavor in which she'll undoubtedly aim to be the White Stripes but end up sounding something like Drunky Brewster, she knows the blogger to reach out to.

I hope that since there are two of them, they dub themselves Rock and Roll. It seems only right.

Last week, someone noted in the comments that Potes' (totally fucking great) Television Without Pity recap caught a bout of crying that I missed during the cobblestone walking challenge. Potes writes: "Miss J. says that Melrose stumbled but didn't recover like a model should have. And then Melrose is, like, crying on a bench. WTF?" The thing is that Melrose, like, crying on a bench is different than Melrose crying on a bench -- I rewatched the scene and Melrose's hair is in front of her face. She has her hand on her head, but it's impossible to discern if she's just distressed or actually crying. And so, my Crying Count number stays in tact. I will, however, follow Potes' lead and start spelling "Caridee" without capitalizing the "D." Potes, after all, is my hero.

Anyway:

30. Anchal

I like how she had to tuck her hair behind her ear to wipe beside her nose. She just has hair everywhere, huh? Time for more threading?

31. Anchal

Oh, by the way, she was crying about being talked about by Melrose in the last shot. In this one, too!

32. Anchal

Annnnd, this one, too. Different outfit, different incident.

33. Anchal

Yep.

34. Anchal

It was here that Anchal confessed: "I never really had friends. I always got made fun of. And nobody believes that because of the way I look now, but it's really hard for me to believe in myself." You know, I'd scoff just about anyone else who dared to usher us down such a well-worn path (go tell the Ugly Duckling, Swan Droner!), but this only makes Anchal more endearing to me. I'll be her friend!

35. A.J.

I think she was crying here. But isn't she always, somewhere deep down inside?

36. Megg

I have to say that running eye makeup really is rock and roll.

37. Megg

"I went to panel just yesterday / I wasn't so fierce, I was cast away / Uh huh / It ain't no big thing."

38. A.J.

Except, it kind of is.

39. Anchal

Anchal needs all the friends she can get. (Incidentally, look how Stepfordly content Michelle looks. The twins are crazy, yo!)

40. Caridee

You know, it's testament to Megg's character that her elimination affected so many girls so thoroughly. Where were you the day the music died?

The first Tyraism of the week doesn't come from Tyra but, in fact, Melrose who clearly watches this show, takes notes and then pratices reciting Tyra's typical nonsensical "this slight difference is actually a vast difference" nonsense. I get the feeling Melrose had been waiting years to tell someone...

"I just wish I would've had a little bit more smile. 'Cause I was concentrating so hard, I know I was like...

...when I shoulda been like...

No, not smiling, but these are two very different faces: this...

...and this...

Do you see how different they are? Like, just when you have a little bit of happiness in there, it'll sell an outfit."

TV teaches you such good...things.

Tyraism 2 (this one's actually from Tyra):

"Is anybody struggling with the inter-personal relationships between the girls?" Aw. She cares so much. She only wants to cut down on the drama that makes her show so compulsively watchable. Oh, wait, what's that in her hand?

Ah yes, a shit stirrer. Now everything becomes clear!

Tyraism 3:

"The fashion industry, and modeling and all that, it's just brainwashing people to think that something's fabulous." i.e. "My whole career is a sham founded on lies. So is this show. Next on Tyra: Is your man triflin'?"

Tyraism 4:

Why Naomi? Whyeeeeeee?

I gueess she really isn't over it, huh?

And now:

1. Really, I didn't hate Megg's picture.

Tremayne says her photo reminds him of the Mona Lisa and, shit, you don't need to tell me twice...

My first impression was that the facial hair made her look a lot like Leif Garrett.

Once more for the sake of eulogy:

"I just wanna rock and roll and have a good time." Me too, babe. Me too.

2. OK, so there's a Melrose smear campaign going on that's going to ultimately make Melrose the underdog, which means I'm going to end up liking her and I hate that. In the meantime, however, I will delight in the girls' bitchiness directed toward her.

"I hate Melrose."

And I love A.J. Especially when she does shit like this behind Melrose's back:

Brooke, meanwhile, offered a clue as to why Melrose gets under everyone's skin:

"Melrose always rubs girls the wrong way, 'cause she's a Little Miss Know-It-All." Now, you know I love Brooke, but hearing essentially the living embodiment of Election's Tracy Flick call someone else a know-it-all is rich.

By the way, if you look up "Miss Know-It-All" on Amazon, one of your product choices is this lovely cross-stitch...

Now, look at this and tell me that Brooke doesn't make a better Miss Know-It-All:

It's like her face was made to match 45-degree arm angles.

And not for nothing, but if you search "knowitall" in Yahoo! Images, an alpaca comes up...

Sexy, right? I have to say that while Brooke makes a better Miss Know-It-All...

...Melrose makes a better alpaca.

Oooh! I think I just stumbled upon a new photo shoot idea! You taking notes Mr. Jay?

Finally, I think I like Caridee's assessment of Melrose best: "Melrose always sucks up when it comes time to, like, meeting people. Which is a good strategy, but it's kind of funny to see her stick her nose right up their ass." Caridee is totally vulgar, which I totally love.

3. To keep this vulgar spirit going, I give you Anchal's bouncing tits:

Whoa, right?

Like, just try to pay attention to the fact that there is stretching going on in this shot:

Impossible, right?

Oh, and since when is she "the voluptuous girl?" I remember her saying that she needs to work on her body, but she's being boxed in that role now? And is that how they say "plus-size" these days?

Like, she isn't skinny? Really?

But also, this is Keenyah all over again:

I love Anchal. I love a woman who isn't afraid to eat. But come on: you don't enter a modeling competition and then start smacking your metabolism around. Your metabolism is going to wise up and lash out one day: "Until you do right by me, everything you do is going to crumble!" Not smart to abuse it.

4. All of this said, I am currently and resolutely pro-Anchal and anti-Melrose, if for no other reason than Anchal hangs with the cool kids and Melrose hangs with the squares.

I mean, they're smoking. They're obviously the cool kids.

As much as I love Brooke, I think any group featuring her is automatically the uncool kids.

5. Why was A.J. so excited to be the cannibal in the photo shoot?

"Oh, you'll get eaten and love it."

Any guesses? Is she really just that goth?

6. When I saw this...

...I thought the same thing I thought when she popped up on the My Life as a CoverGirl segment a few weeks ago: Not Atooooooooosa! If recent gossip is to be believed (and of course it is!), she is a fame-obsessed tyrant. In other words, a perfect fit for ANTM.

Anyway, were it not for her reputation, I might have taken exception to an email one "Alien" sent me after this episode aired: "I dont mean to be mean, but Atoosa looks like the dude from Saw." Like I said before, you don't need to tell me twice:

But in all fairness, Atoosa came off as kind of helpful and level-headed with her comments during the episode. In other words, what the fuck is she doing on this show?

Really, she nailed down Brooke better than I have. For weeks, I've been wondering exactly how to express Brooke's precocious pluckiness (I think I would have gone the cutesy/Care Bears-with-pencil-tucked-behind-fuzzy-ear route, were it not for having exhausted that shtick with Project Runway's Alison). Atoosa put it all into perspective with, "You just wanna put her on a cupcake!" Brilliant. Of course, I won't actually do this. I'm not anybody's maid!

7. But really, how cute. Brooke does "Don't get it twisted."

Yo, is it just me, or does she resemble Mother Teresa in the last shot, like, a lot?

You can barely tell the difference!

8.

Look who found herself a new top! Of course it'd be the boyee girl this time...

9. Why is Melrose's neck so long?

Is she the thing in...The Thing?

Is she the ultimate in alien terror?

One more question: Did Melrose's side-show get-up remind anyone else of a certain diaper-peeing contestant of yesteryear?

And nice that they give the girl who they say looks old the aged face (and, for that matter, nice that they made Anchal and her big self the giant woman -- way to prey on insecurities!).

Also how dumb was this?

I really think they put her nose on upside down -- since when are tusks on top? Damn Sutan!

Also...

People still say "Siamese twins" in 2006? Really? This show never stops teaching you shit!

10. Before we saw Stacey McKenzie...

...we heard her, and I really thought it was Miss J doing his "drag on" voice.

I've got nothing but love for Stacey, though -- in my review of the first episode of Canada's Next Top Model, I described her as looking "as though she is upholstered in vagina." Stacey, or someone on her behalf (but really, I like to think it was her), found this and commented: "funny how gay guys like to *talk* about vagina..." Touché! Regardless of her upholstery, the woman is not a pussy.

More Stacey McKenzie, please!

11.

If these girls don't stop with the gaping, I'm gonna have to start handing out Blowjobface of the Week Awards.

12. So, it's rare that I talk about the preview for next week, but I laughed for about five minutes straight after Brooke asked Janice:

"What makes you so bitchy?" First of all, what the fuck kind of question is that? How do you even answer it? "My dark past"? "Rotten produce"? "Gas"?

Second of all...

Doesn't Brooke know that Janice is on the PTA?

I seriously can't wait for this shit!

Comments

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Ha!
I used that PTA line myself when, erm, talking to my tv last week after the previews.
*sigh*
also, thank you for taking Anchal to task for the dozen-eggs-for-breakfast-thing. Either bitch about your size or eat a Grand Slam, but not both.

[PK]

Yay Rich! Until you do right by me, everything you think about gon' fail! hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

[sarah]

yay, i'm the first to comment!

i love your blog. it's how i keep up with the shows i love but can't watch here in s. korea until it's subtitled two seasons later.

i laughed so hard, i tooted. thanks

[Whitters]

Yay for Anchal's bouncing boobies!

[Lesley]

Yay! Top Model recap for the week is here at last :) Loved the Melrose as an alpaca! Totally suits her :) Can't wait to hear what you say next week about Twin #2 "shocking confession" (ie: "She might be gay")...dun dun dunnnnn

[H]

Rock and Roll!

[Jessica]

I can't wait either!

And seriously, when I got to the picture of Jaeda sitting in "confessional," I honestly thought it was a man. For like, ten seconds. I thought, what is going on that they have a nearly naked man joining them? Seeeeeriously.

But thanks for the wonderful posts. Again!

[brandi]

hilarious...but that mother theresa thing scared the shit out of me.

[Ryan]

Pissed my diaper! Great recap, Rich!

[Samantha]

Thank you for your blog!

[JadeFan]

Sweet! I am early!

[B.]

What about the coming out party in the promo for next week? Was that Michelle saying "I think that I might be gay."?

[cdawg]

oh i love my brooke - i always knew she reminded me of reese, but for some reason i had totally blocked out the "election" reference - right on! rock and rock, rip megg, we'll miss you, but at least we still have caridee for crazy.

[matt]

Hurrah! I'm the one who pointed out the crying count discrepancy! And Hurrah! Melrose was just like crying! My girl doesn't cry!

I'm sorry Rich, but I have to disagree, Melrose is so beyond awesome its like not even funny. She's like you would be if you were on ANTM.

But irregardless I have to also disagree, Anchal hangs out with the mensa club of AJ, the "edgy" goth girl, I can't wait to hear her tell us she loves electroclash, Megg, ms. rawk n roll, and Caridee, who although adorable, was probably just there because someone told her there were free cigarettes or someting. Melrose hangs out with the twins. And we all know how hard it is to be friends with twins. My best friend in high school was an identical twin, but I was like not even cool enough to be friends with BOTH of them at the same time.

Anyways, I still love Melrose because I'm pro drama.

I am in hysterics over your tyraism collection.

Oh and "you want to put her on a cupcake" is so pseudopotes, do you think maybe Atoosa reads potes? Would that be like life imitating art imitating life imitating a cupcake? Or something?

Do you smell what I'm stepping in? Because I'm having trouble figuring it out.

Anyways, America's Next Top Alpaca for the win!

[david]

amazing recap.

i have fallen deeply in love with caridee. more more more!

and is it just me or have the photo shoots this season been ALL just horrendous? i think the NEW CW is killing the creativity.

[HawkOwl]

I think Anchal might be the fakest bitch they've ever had on this show. All the crocodile tears for what? If there was anything really bad, or even somewhat bad, said about her in the hot tub, it was cut in editing. And she can't even cry convincingly. She's so fake, she's even too fake to model. And talk about being a one-note... Has she said anything yet other than "I'm not pretty wah wah wah"? I can't stand her.

And that Atoosa woman irritated the hell out of me, too. Can't put my finger on it, but I wanted to change the channel every time she was on.

Stacey, on the other hand, she may not have a pretty face, but she sounds like a good egg. Makes one of her.

Does anyone else think the photo shoots this season are really inferior? Mr. Jay is losing his edge. Or maybe he's got a new man and doesn't care about the show anymore. If he leaves, I'm not watching anymore. He's my favourite. Him and Nigel Barker.

Bah. I miss Season Two.

[Cath]

Rich, you constantly delight me, but this just blows me away. The needlepoint/alpaca/Thing/Saw comparisons are genius!

[bella]

Spot on about "old Melrose/diaper pee Lisa." I totally thought that. Of course, I never hated Lisa. She was crazzzzy, but not a bitch. *Clears Throat...Melrose*

This is one of your best recaps.

[Gretchen Weiners]

Cross-stitch? Alpacas? You are ridiculous. That Mona Lisa is truly terrifying. Thank you.

[Drew]

Stacie is a woman? A *natural* born woman? are you sure, because I don't know....

anyway, brilliant as always. why the hell won't the CW give us close ups? (WTF, man!)

[Sam]

Haha I think I laughed for five minutes collectively from reading this recap...ok more than five minutes, but that's aside the point. I look forward to seeing how Janice handles Brooke's question...and to see you recap it, of course!!

But yeah, the needlepoint/alpaca/thing comparisons were GENIUS...oh my goodness. Excellent work! =)

[eatsdirt]

thank you for the Lita Ford "Kiss Me Deadly" reference. I'm going to have that song in my head all day long now.

Even though it wasn't mentioned in your recap, I loved when Twiggy didn't realize Jaeda's abs were painted on. Poor ignorant Twigs.

[Penny Woods]

Watch out, Rich. Atoosa will get revenge on you through her MySpace blog. Because the Toos wants everyone to be "healed" from all the "vicious" gossip spread about her.

[Trey]

OMG! Rich, you are totally right about Caridee's trunk. I didn't notice when I watched the show, but it is upside down. I love your keen eye!

BTW, I love Anchal, but the whole low self-esteem schtick has got to go! I hate to tell these girls that having boudatious tatas does not equal fat.

[Joe]

The sheer randomness of your recaps are hilarious. I mean, the Google image searches! One never knows where you'll end up with the stream-of-conscious blogging. Y'know, the thing I do give Tyra credit for is that fact that she's pretty wise to the industry, i.e. just sell the fucking product. And I LOVE that she just *can't* get over Naomi's bitchery 15 yrs ago. It's gonna be on her tombstone - "Tyra Banks -1973-2034. I have feelings, Naomi!" Enough with putting the twins together.