Jaeda dissed

Jaeda bitched and bitched and bitched about her short hair making her look like a boy. And yet, she'd sit like she was housing a pair of grapefruit in her scrotum.

I will not miss her.

I will, however, miss what she contributed to the Crying Count. Oh wait, that meant having to hear about her hair every fucking episode. Sorry, I lied: I won't miss that either.

56. Amanda

It seems a little redundant pointing out that these tears were the product of an acting exercise, considering the nature of the show. But there you go.

57. Melrose

Everyone believes me when I say Melrose is deranged, right? Right?!?!

58. Jaeda

Yep. Hair. Fuck you and your follicles.

59. CariDee

I almost don't want to count this, as this Crying Count was devised to record all the stupid reasons girls cry on this show. Not real reasons, like, say, attempted suicide. God, CariDee, way to ruin shit for me.

(You know I'm kidding here -- this was as real as ANTM has been all cyle ["Happy Mothers Day!" excepted] and it only made me love CariDee more. She is a walking triumph of the human spirit, damn it!)

60. Melrose

But no, now I am pissed because I was fine with hating Melrose and then she had to go and show actual compassion and be a nice person. For this reason (and a few others that I'll get to), I can no longer hate her (for now at least). God, Melrose, way to ruin shit for me. Hey -- I think I hate her all over again!

61. CariDee

She's crying about when she cried before. OMG this show is sooooooo self-referential! Enough already or I'll have to break out the Self-Referential Bug-o-Meter.

62. Jaeda

NOT hair this time! Well, maybe it is, actually -- she's crying about having to kiss the guy next to her, who's such a Neanderthal, his tongue's probably hairy. You'd cry too at the prospect of having that shit in your mouth (you can never get it out!).

63. CariDee

Her first major scolding from the judges. It shook me just as hard.

64. Jaeda

Uh, I thought she was leaving. WHY ISN'T SHE GONE YET?

65. CariDee

She was scared for her future after being announced in the bottom 2. I was not. More on this soon.

What goes better with bullshit than some bullshit? Why, the answer could only be multiple Tyraisms of the Week!

Tyraism 1 - "You did a very good job, because I kinda tried to follow. I thought, 'That don't sound right, but it sounds right.'" No, it wasn't Tyra that said that -- it was Miss J. But they might as well have been Tyra's words! This is really just to reiterate how saying as many words as possible to convey your non-logic is contagious.

Tyraism 2 - "You were the challenge winner, but, to me, that kind of canceled it out."

Bullshit. If CariDee rocked the acting challenge earlier, than failed the second one, maybe some variable besides her is the culprit. Like, oh, I don't know, the fact that she had to speak in a language that until now was a figment of her imagination created by this schizophrenic she once sat by on a bus who yammered on about why the Don Quixote Cliff's Notes were better than the book itself.

This is to say that CariDee has enough problems speaking English, OK? She's never gonna be the model that gets work that requires her to speak in anything non-English (and really, neither should Twiggy). Her personality is about 50 times more radiant than anyone else she's competing against -- this is no reflection on that.

OK?

Tyraism 3 -

"One of my favorite parts of it was in the end when you were kind of in his face. And then up and then like down and then up and then down and then up. That's when girls do when they're, like, in love." Some girls, perhaps. Others go up and then down and then up when they want to make a quick buck.

Tyraism 4 -

"Bitch, I could reduce your blonde ass to a powder with but the strength of my fist. I'm not even gonna start on the suffocating torture that my vagina arms could wreak up on you." Psyche. Tyra didn't really say that. She did, however, say, "Now it's like, CariDee's not perfect." Just in case you missed it before.

Speaking of:

1.

OK, first of all: nice ponytail. I cannot believe that this guy is particular at all as he is a) European and b) horrible looking. And I don't just say that, you know, but I am in utter shock that this guy is a model.

Is he a hand model? Is he a model of what not to look like? And if he puts so little into his appearance (he looks like he should have crumbs collected on his cheeks to go with his breakfast hair), I wonder how bad he smells. I wonder how often he gets to turn down the black girls he says he doesn't like. I wonder HOW THE FUCK HE'S A MODEL.

Look, even if his nose were straightened, it wouldn't make a difference:

Although, those eyebrows are whispering to me (in that lispy Spain Spanish) that in addition to not liking black girls, this motherfucker doesn't like any girls.

In conclusion, Jaeda, I think had every right to be upset about having to kiss someone who was so rude. She had more of a right to be upset about having to kiss someone so hideous.

I thought, actually, that most of the male models were lacking.

OK, so, like, why is it that if a guy presents himself like this, he's cute, but if a girl does, she's Ugly Betty?

CariDee totally got the cutest one though.

I want to put him in my pocket. That's a bosillo, Victor. Climb in.

I love how she totally went for it, too. She kissed him so hard, I felt it. Thanks, CariDee!

2. Am I the only one who lives in constant hope that Tyra will resurrect the immortal words she used to announce the trip to the Cycle 2 girls: "Back your bags, y'all..."? I mean, this just doesn't cut it:

It's all about the y'all. I miss the y'all. I miss it so much, I took up watching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. Except now that's over, too, so I miss it all over again. I'm feelin' alone, y'all.

I have a feeling that I'll similarly wait my whole life for Tyra to replicate this:

She just gets faggier, doesn't she? The entire concept of Spanish gay pride has been explained to a nation.

3. With that in mind, Blowjobface is back in full effect. So much so, in fact, that I can't even choose one to represent the week.

That shit's like achievement in the field of Blowjobface. The only person who came close was Melrose.

But really, she sucks so bad that that shouldn't be surprising.

4. Just kidding! Like I said before, I kinda felt for Melrose this episode. I don't think the girls were justified in getting on her for preparing extra for the commercial. Yeah, she's ass-kissy and a total nerd, but, uh, total nerds excel. Or they start blogs about their pop cultural obsessions, down to the finer (cough, blowjobface, cough) details. And who wouldn't want to have that?!

I forget: were these subtitles on screen because Amanda was speaking in Spanish? Because the translation is terrible. Oh, wait, she's that inarticulate. Oh wait, I'm watching America's Next Top Model. Sorry, I lost my bearing for a second.

Sad. I understand Eugena's point, but she needs to realize that she's just salty that Melrose plays the game better than she does. Melrose is no more fake than, oh, say, Tyra! A different face and voice for every occasion. Or every sentence within a given occasion, even.

I was really saddened by this:

Melrose: Cheers.
Jaeda: (refuses to even acknowledge her)

Melrose: (clinks with Jaeda's mug anyway)

Melrose: (walks away alone, the weight of rejection slowing her stroll ever so slightly)

Sniff.

But again, I like what Eugena has to say about Melrose, because I pretty much like what Eugena has to say about everything.

"I'm just gonna say she's wrong!"

I just find her succinct nastiness really refreshing. It's economical, even. I want Eugena to tell me about myself because a) I bet she'd be right and b) it wouldn't take that much time at all. I bet I'd even get my own hand gesture and everything.

5. I also love Eugena for this:

I think acting coach put it best when she said that Eugena wasn't afraid to be ugly. I like that in a girl.

How ridiculous was that whole acting exercise? Silly ugly is right.

Nice, right? Way to convince everyone that you don't have any problems with eating, Toothpicks. The girl can't keep down prune juice!

Also, what's up with Amanda's obsession with her own ass?

I think Tasha wants to take a bite.

We here at fourfour are all about making dreams come true. And so:

Tasha's all, "An applebottom a day..."

Also, I love how, when Tasha was consoling CariDee, CariDee was all, "Yeah, whatever. You're an acting teacher."

6. Did you see the note that Jaeda wrote to her bf?

Aw. Sweet and illustrated. Here are ideas for other notes that she can write while she's in detainment, having been eliminated and waiting for the show to end:

7. Melrose mugs while her doppelganger looks on:

8. I feel like if I don't show Miss J's judging hair, I'm doing a disservice to my readers.

I feel like if I comment on it, I'm doing a disservice to my brain. So there: it is what it is.

Similarly:

And, making it a trilogy:

9.

Twiggy's really gonna hurt someone with that pen one day. I can feel it.

10. You know, CariDee's commercial may have sucked, but pretty much everyone else's did. And you know, she did show her capacity to entertain when she went back over it in the interview:

I'm not captioning it, as there aren't letters on my keyboard that would be able to represent many of the sounds she made. It wasn't Spanish. It wasn't of this planet.

Nor was her attempt at rolling her R's.

She says it sounds like a dead car. I say it sounds like a Wookie.

Regardless, I think Tyra & Co., are just trying to scare us with how they came down on CariDee this week. She's clearly the person who's supposed to win this shit, and that's been extremely clear up till now. They're just trying to psych us out. Even CariDee knows that.

I think that showing us Tyra reprimanding CariDee for rudeness in the preview for next week's episode is also to throw us off. If she were getting kicked off next week, why would they spoil it?

Furthermore, why would they risk upsetting the balance of the universe and the very notion of fairness by not allowing her to win this shit?

11. Oh yeah:

Comments

[BK]

Good bye!!! I was getting so tired of her bitching. And big deal CariD had a bad day. I LOVE HER. Great post.

[sonny]

My friends and I were debating whether or not the smarmy model actually said he didn't like black girls when talking to Jaeda. We thought he said "I don't like it with you" which Jaeda turned into he doesn't like black girls. Are we wrong here? I mean, I wouldn't want to kiss Jaeda either. Girl is fugly!

[david]

Yay, this is my favorite recap of this season's cycle so far. i have a love/hate relationship with the commercial episode since, a) EVERYONE's commercial always sucks, but b) it's immensely entertaining to watch them all screw it up. Melrose's being named best in ANTM history pretty much solidifies that fact. But you make watching such awfulness so worth it. Thanks!

[Leila]

Oh my god, Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team is soooo amazing.

[JustSomeGuy]

This recap is better than the episode itself. It's just a matter of time before some joker starts recapping your recaps.

[Maya]

Somtimes i just want to sream at Trya: MODELS DO NOT ACT!!!!! I just do not understand because, as we know, the contestants usually mess up when they are doing commercails in English, so why teh F would you make them do a comercial in a random spanish dialect. Next saeson she should have them record a commercail while falling out of a plain and speaking in swahili. And they prize will be a spead in TigerBeat. Also, with how flaming and rediculous Mrs. Jay has become, I think he should dress as a conservative senator for each taping.

[jelodi97]

Did the producers go out and find the ugliest girls in the lower 48 for this season? I liked previous seasons for the campiness, but after the first couple of epis, I just couldn't bring myself to continue watching. Thank gawd for this blog.

[Amanda]

I think you should just start spelling caridee's name with all lowercase. Or maybe just create a symbol for her.

[i love winston]

A reference to Ugly Betty! Tell me that you watch the show?

That picture of Tasha What'sherface chomping Amanda's ass-- my stomach will hurt for a month because I was laughing so hard.

And Eugena just keeps looking prettier every week. But not as pretty as CariDee (and yeah, the first picture of her isn't flattering but the girl was crying hysterically, c'mon now).

[Mike]

I wonder how Jaeda would have done in the competition if the show didn't chop off her confidence? For all of her crying and complaining it didn't seem like she tried to make her hair look any better? She should have worked the Halle look. Maybe for next season they should shave all of the girl's heads and see how they do?

[Mike again]

Eugena's gonna call someone fake? Look in the mirror at your hair bitch?

[bertBrown]

that's a good point, maybe the male model just doesn't like short haird girls...who complain about having short hair

[Marilyn]

Hey! Just wanted you to know that I am living in Barcelona right now, and NOT ABLE TO WATCH ANTM!!!!! So you are providing people all over the world a wonderfull service! p.s. If you saw how they dress over here, you would just cry.

[leia]

oh man, the last of Jaeda's love notes... just TOO funny! so wrong yet so right.

otherwise, I thought melrose's commercial was fantastic. I notmally can't stand her but she was adorable, i think she nailed it completely.

[Sarah]

Might I add that their "secrets" were the worst secrets I've ever heard. "I sometimes go an extra stop on the subway if I see a cute boy"
They should have had something more like, "I've seen Tyra's penis.. and it's tiny"

[tinker bella]

I thought Melrose's commercial was the fakiest worst-acted thing I've ever seen. She acts like an attention-starved puppy.

Rich, your recaps are the highlight of the show.

I couldn't beleive it when Tyra told CariDee that her commercial was the worst ever. Um, hello, Jade? F-bomb? Brooke? (cycle 6)

[veronicajames]

you know you're a fan when you find yourself thinking;
"Oh I'm sure Rich is going to write about THAT...'
While you're watching ANTM...

I would like to contribute:
I can't seem to get past the similarities btwn that male model and (another) neanderthal John ROcker:

http://images20.fotki.com/v357/photos/4/44611/1438473/malemodel_gorgecopy-vi.jpg

[HawkOwl]

Thanks for filling in the bits I muted. I couldn't stand to watch the whole acting exercise thing with the screaming and crying. How fake was that? And why were they all talking about their feelings about ANTM? It used to be that girls talked about real issues like lupus and being the black sheep of their families.

Everything has gotten so ugly, lame and pointless, I don't even bother taping it anymore. Now I'm all about Sports Kids Moms and Dads.

[true]

Wow Rich, you hit on all the points of the show that I wanted you too. And for that, I'm thankful. You rock!
Thank God they kicked the boy off. And now since my old fav Anchal's been kicked off, I'm joining team caridee. You're right, I think she got this one....

[deeyou]

I laughed so hard at Jaeda's....interesting position. She'd make such a good fag.

[Mer]

"Is he a model of what not to look like?"
HAHAHA.
The only thing Melrose could cry about was modeling and taking good pictures? She must have some reall isthues like being molested by her dad or something cause I ain't buyin' it!
PS I love Eugena now.

[Finster]

I had to rewind several times to look and how spread apart Jaeda's legs were without her evening noticing.. and after hearing so much bitching about feeling a boy...well I guess that explains it.

[Dan]

Thanks for running a photo of Ms. Jay's hair, I believe he is going for the Extraordinary Chickens look this season.

http://www.amazon.com/Extraordinary-Chickens-Stephen-Green-Armytage/dp/0810933438

[miss c]

I also thought that the fuggo male "model" just said that he didn't like Jaeda, NOT that he didn't like black girls. Can't we all just get along and speak in "newscaster accents?"

And how DARE Vag-arms berate CariD(d)ee for not being fluent in some random ass language! I think Tyra pointing out that "CariDee's not perfect" was for her own benefit. She doesn't know what to do with a contestant without an obvious flaw. Boo.

P.S. If Melstank wins this I am boycotting ANTM forever!

[summer]

please, oh please add a sound bite of tyra's spanish tyraism of the week where she shows how the girls should have emphasized the "strong enough for a woman" line in Spanish . i'm like, she practiced on that all day and still sucked. but thank you for the clip of twigs saying hoLAH. yikes.

as for the caridee scares, yeah, you're right. obviously, eugena's going home next. the judges have never liked her, just tolerated her.