Jaeda bitched and bitched and bitched about her short hair making her look like a boy. And yet, she'd sit like she was housing a pair of grapefruit in her scrotum.
I will not miss her.
I will, however, miss what she contributed to the Crying Count. Oh wait, that meant having to hear about her hair every fucking episode. Sorry, I lied: I won't miss that either.
It seems a little redundant pointing out that these tears were the product of an acting exercise, considering the nature of the show. But there you go.
Everyone believes me when I say Melrose is deranged, right? Right?!?!
Yep. Hair. Fuck you and your follicles.
I almost don't want to count this, as this Crying Count was devised to record all the stupid reasons girls cry on this show. Not real reasons, like, say, attempted suicide. God, CariDee, way to ruin shit for me.
(You know I'm kidding here -- this was as real as ANTM has been all cyle ["Happy Mothers Day!" excepted] and it only made me love CariDee more. She is a walking triumph of the human spirit, damn it!)
But no, now I am pissed because I was fine with hating Melrose and then she had to go and show actual compassion and be a nice person. For this reason (and a few others that I'll get to), I can no longer hate her (for now at least). God, Melrose, way to ruin shit for me. Hey -- I think I hate her all over again!
She's crying about when she cried before. OMG this show is sooooooo self-referential! Enough already or I'll have to break out the Self-Referential Bug-o-Meter.
NOT hair this time! Well, maybe it is, actually -- she's crying about having to kiss the guy next to her, who's such a Neanderthal, his tongue's probably hairy. You'd cry too at the prospect of having that shit in your mouth (you can never get it out!).
Her first major scolding from the judges. It shook me just as hard.
Uh, I thought she was leaving. WHY ISN'T SHE GONE YET?
She was scared for her future after being announced in the bottom 2. I was not. More on this soon.
What goes better with bullshit than some bullshit? Why, the answer could only be multiple Tyraisms of the Week!
Tyraism 1 - "You did a very good job, because I kinda tried to follow. I thought, 'That don't sound right, but it sounds right.'" No, it wasn't Tyra that said that -- it was Miss J. But they might as well have been Tyra's words! This is really just to reiterate how saying as many words as possible to convey your non-logic is contagious.
Tyraism 2 - "You were the challenge winner, but, to me, that kind of canceled it out."
Bullshit. If CariDee rocked the acting challenge earlier, than failed the second one, maybe some variable besides her is the culprit. Like, oh, I don't know, the fact that she had to speak in a language that until now was a figment of her imagination created by this schizophrenic she once sat by on a bus who yammered on about why the Don Quixote Cliff's Notes were better than the book itself.
This is to say that CariDee has enough problems speaking English, OK? She's never gonna be the model that gets work that requires her to speak in anything non-English (and really, neither should Twiggy). Her personality is about 50 times more radiant than anyone else she's competing against -- this is no reflection on that.
"One of my favorite parts of it was in the end when you were kind of in his face. And then up and then like down and then up and then down and then up. That's when girls do when they're, like, in love." Some girls, perhaps. Others go up and then down and then up when they want to make a quick buck.
"Bitch, I could reduce your blonde ass to a powder with but the strength of my fist. I'm not even gonna start on the suffocating torture that my vagina arms could wreak up on you." Psyche. Tyra didn't really say that. She did, however, say, "Now it's like, CariDee's not perfect." Just in case you missed it before.
OK, first of all: nice ponytail. I cannot believe that this guy is particular at all as he is a) European and b) horrible looking. And I don't just say that, you know, but I am in utter shock that this guy is a model.
Is he a hand model? Is he a model of what not to look like? And if he puts so little into his appearance (he looks like he should have crumbs collected on his cheeks to go with his breakfast hair), I wonder how bad he smells. I wonder how often he gets to turn down the black girls he says he doesn't like. I wonder HOW THE FUCK HE'S A MODEL.
Look, even if his nose were straightened, it wouldn't make a difference:
Although, those eyebrows are whispering to me (in that lispy Spain Spanish) that in addition to not liking black girls, this motherfucker doesn't like any girls.
In conclusion, Jaeda, I think had every right to be upset about having to kiss someone who was so rude. She had more of a right to be upset about having to kiss someone so hideous.
I thought, actually, that most of the male models were lacking.
OK, so, like, why is it that if a guy presents himself like this, he's cute, but if a girl does, she's Ugly Betty?
CariDee totally got the cutest one though.
I want to put him in my pocket. That's a bosillo, Victor. Climb in.
I love how she totally went for it, too. She kissed him so hard, I felt it. Thanks, CariDee!
2. Am I the only one who lives in constant hope that Tyra will resurrect the immortal words she used to announce the trip to the Cycle 2 girls: "Back your bags, y'all..."? I mean, this just doesn't cut it:
It's all about the y'all. I miss the y'all. I miss it so much, I took up watching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. Except now that's over, too, so I miss it all over again. I'm feelin' alone, y'all.
I have a feeling that I'll similarly wait my whole life for Tyra to replicate this:
She just gets faggier, doesn't she? The entire concept of Spanish gay pride has been explained to a nation.
3. With that in mind, Blowjobface is back in full effect. So much so, in fact, that I can't even choose one to represent the week.
That shit's like achievement in the field of Blowjobface. The only person who came close was Melrose.
But really, she sucks so bad that that shouldn't be surprising.
4. Just kidding! Like I said before, I kinda felt for Melrose this episode. I don't think the girls were justified in getting on her for preparing extra for the commercial. Yeah, she's ass-kissy and a total nerd, but, uh, total nerds excel. Or they start blogs about their pop cultural obsessions, down to the finer (cough, blowjobface, cough) details. And who wouldn't want to have that?!
I forget: were these subtitles on screen because Amanda was speaking in Spanish? Because the translation is terrible. Oh, wait, she's that inarticulate. Oh wait, I'm watching America's Next Top Model. Sorry, I lost my bearing for a second.
Sad. I understand Eugena's point, but she needs to realize that she's just salty that Melrose plays the game better than she does. Melrose is no more fake than, oh, say, Tyra! A different face and voice for every occasion. Or every sentence within a given occasion, even.
I was really saddened by this:
Jaeda: (refuses to even acknowledge her)
Melrose: (clinks with Jaeda's mug anyway)
Melrose: (walks away alone, the weight of rejection slowing her stroll ever so slightly)
But again, I like what Eugena has to say about Melrose, because I pretty much like what Eugena has to say about everything.
I just find her succinct nastiness really refreshing. It's economical, even. I want Eugena to tell me about myself because a) I bet she'd be right and b) it wouldn't take that much time at all. I bet I'd even get my own hand gesture and everything.
5. I also love Eugena for this:
I think acting coach put it best when she said that Eugena wasn't afraid to be ugly. I like that in a girl.
How ridiculous was that whole acting exercise? Silly ugly is right.
Nice, right? Way to convince everyone that you don't have any problems with eating, Toothpicks. The girl can't keep down prune juice!
Also, what's up with Amanda's obsession with her own ass?
I think Tasha wants to take a bite.
We here at fourfour are all about making dreams come true. And so:
Tasha's all, "An applebottom a day..."
Also, I love how, when Tasha was consoling CariDee, CariDee was all, "Yeah, whatever. You're an acting teacher."
6. Did you see the note that Jaeda wrote to her bf?
Aw. Sweet and illustrated. Here are ideas for other notes that she can write while she's in detainment, having been eliminated and waiting for the show to end:
7. Melrose mugs while her doppelganger looks on:
8. I feel like if I don't show Miss J's judging hair, I'm doing a disservice to my readers.
I feel like if I comment on it, I'm doing a disservice to my brain. So there: it is what it is.
And, making it a trilogy:
Twiggy's really gonna hurt someone with that pen one day. I can feel it.
10. You know, CariDee's commercial may have sucked, but pretty much everyone else's did. And you know, she did show her capacity to entertain when she went back over it in the interview:
I'm not captioning it, as there aren't letters on my keyboard that would be able to represent many of the sounds she made. It wasn't Spanish. It wasn't of this planet.
Nor was her attempt at rolling her R's.
She says it sounds like a dead car. I say it sounds like a Wookie.
Regardless, I think Tyra & Co., are just trying to scare us with how they came down on CariDee this week. She's clearly the person who's supposed to win this shit, and that's been extremely clear up till now. They're just trying to psych us out. Even CariDee knows that.
I think that showing us Tyra reprimanding CariDee for rudeness in the preview for next week's episode is also to throw us off. If she were getting kicked off next week, why would they spoil it?
Furthermore, why would they risk upsetting the balance of the universe and the very notion of fairness by not allowing her to win this shit?
11. Oh yeah: