For her final trick, I really wanted Michelle to put her tongue between those two fingers, further highlighting her status as America's next top (or possibly bottom -- who knows?) lez. Missed opportunity!
Another missed opportunity: it only now strikes me that I dropped the ball with her. Why didn't it occur to me to call her a lesbitwin? Why, God, why? (Although Emily Magazine did just that, so I didn't have to!)
I'm getting too old for this shit.
I have no idea if I just missed it or they didn't actually show this shot last week, but I didn't catch Eugena crying. Perhaps I was too distracted by her floor show.
As you're about to find out, I have no fucking idea why Amanda was crying here.
Michelle felt frustra...oh my god! Look at the size of that hand! She's gonna be really popular with the ladies when she gets back to wherever she lives.
Michelle worries that she has "the weakness." If that sounds like a disease, good. It's supposed to. Not wanting it enough is the leprosy of ANTM.
CariDee is kind of like the green eggs and ham of this competition for me. I like her sexy ass, I like her as a spaz. I've liked her from the start, I like her falling apart.
Sorry. I'm out of rhymes.
Sadness over her sister's elimination. Oooh! The first signs of separation anxiety. I can't wait to revel in her pain!
Neither can Tyra, as we see in the first Tyraism of the Week. This one is epic, y'all.
It starts with Tyra explaining ANTM's contribution to a world that's bereft of advisement for potential models. Amazing, right? What did girls that were too old, too short and too large in the hips do before it?
Then, because her sadism knows no bounds, Tyra asks the girls, "What is the harshest thing that you have heard in the judging room since you've been in this competition?" In other words, "Remember when we hurt you? Yeah. Relive that." She then smiles as the girls share their pain.
Like, a few times.
She's so proud that they haven't forgotten their beat-downs at the hands of the panel.
Then, as if her great service to the world hasn't been enough, Tyra makes an explicit bid for martyrdom: "So after this competition, I want you to be strong enough and lift your head up high and be able to handle anything and everything that comes your way. I want you speak well. I want you to look great. I want you to be intelligent. I want you to know this industry. And if I have to say things that make you hate me and make your fans hate me, so be it. I'm gonna sacrifice myself for you." Basically, Tyra is Jesus. She is such an overachiever!
(Also, don't kid yourself Tyra: your ruthlessness toward the girls is but one of many reasons that we hate you.)
Tyra tops it off with more justification for her reality show circus:
"All right, so you just know, that's what it is. And it's harsh and it's strong and I'm gonna see you in judging very soon. And I'm going to be that. It's coming from a place of love and a place of mama. It's mama. It's the coach. And the one thing that's important to know is that when you're getting coached and trained with something, it's the worst feeling of the world, and you reject it. You're like, 'Ugh!' But then when you're in the jungle and then things are happening that the coach said, you're like, 'Dang! Oh my gosh, it's coming true.' One day it's gonna hit you, like, 'Dang. Tyra said that.'"
Christ. Where to start? First, "a place of mama?" It's interesting that Tyra judges from her uterus. Second, why wait for the girls to stumble upon the jungle themselves? Why not send them there on a challenge? Third, I love her mark-my-words sentiment. Forget what I said before. She isn't Jesus. She is the Prophet Tyra. Dang.
Tyraism of the Week 2:
Hmmmm. It couldn't be that with only two episodes left, the dramatic arc of the show needs someone to come from behind and threaten an upset, could it?
(Also, I put up the side-by-side of Miss J and Eugena so that I don't have to talk about how stupid Miss J is for saying that Eugena looks like him. No she doesn't Miss J, but it's nice that you think you're pretty. Whatever it takes to keep you going and doing stupid things with your hair.)
Tyraism of the Week 3
(In reference to Amanda) "...the girl that has all the drive in the world..." After talking about Michelle's natural ability without describing her as "the girl with all the potential in the world," Tyra couldn't hold it in any more and had to make up this phrase that we'll perhaps hear in cycles to come. She just had to say it, as per her Tourette's. Or is that Tyrette's?
1. Oh, so when Tyra compared talked about sacrificing herself, here's what Melrose did:
And really, here's what she was going for:
She's so eager to please she was like, "Portugal is but a hop, skip and a jump away, Prophet Tyra. Can I fetch you some holy water of Fatima? I hear Lourdes makes some good stuff, too,
and I wouldn't even have to leave the country for that..." [Edit: Oops!]
Here's the only way she could have been prettier in the situation:
This is, by the way, the second time Mother Teresa has appeared in one of these recaps. She's practically Atoosa (but bitchier).
Also, to reference another reference, I can't see anyone but Shirley Phelps Roper when I look at Melrose most of the time.
I wonder what would make SPR hate (read: "love") me more: that I'm a fag or that I'm a fag-enabler enabler?
2. And speaking of past references, if there were any time to invoke the name of Judy Blume, surely it'd be in response to Michelle's walk.
Like, OK, Deenie. I think she needs that rod that Nigel pulled out of his ass for her back.
(Didn't Deenie want to be a model, too? Very interesting. Michelle, now that the cameras aren't on you constantly, hit the tub. You've got some exploring to do!)
Also, Michelle looked a bit like Macaulay Culkin in her shot, no?
3. This all leads me to point out that the past is ANTM's worst enemy. If it seems boring now, it's because it's been there and done almost everything. So for example, it would be just cheap to exploit what was clearly a case of impetigo that Michelle came down with...
Yawn. Skin-eating virus. Over it.
And they surely couldn't make a big deal about CariDee's makeout sesh.
(This whispering sounds way post-coital.)
For what good is international infidelity if there's no one back home to shriek, "You had sex?"
Is there simply nothing left for this show to cover?
4. Not at all, actually! As long as there's bizarre, socially awkward shit like this, I'll always be tuning in:
What the fuck? Seriously. I guess this person helped Amanda find a cab as she was frantically rushing back after the go-sees? Maybe? I don't know. I have a few more hypotheses for how their exchange went down:
5. Amanda and WTF are two tastes that taste great together, apparently, because:
"Spanish guys and American guys are very similar. They all have the same jokes and stuff, but Spanish guys smell better." Jokes? Smell? Ah, the universal language of, "Pull my finger."
6. This is like a picture Daily Double:
The answer: CariDee couldn't help reacting strongly to this shady fashion folly.
The question: What is a pair of sunglasses in the most bourgie position possible silkscreened on the T-shirt of Panco Saula, the director of Elite Barcelona.
7. I guess I should mention this:
The foolhardiness of this statement does very little to cancel out how ultimately awesome it is that CariDee said this to Nigel. God, I love that girl.
Also, Nigel is awfully sensitive about the suggestion of things being up his ass, no?
Also, way to exhibit that ANTM brain/linguistic rot that seems to overtake everyone involved on this show...
"You know me, but you don't know me." Not even, "You know me, but you don't know me." Gay.
It's nice, though, that Nigel looks even better than usual in natural light.
Hey, Nidge, if you ever get sick of holding that rod, I have one for you.
8. Jay, on the other hand...
I'm sorry. I cannot take a man with a smoky eye seriously. Ever.
A man dressed as a matador, however, is a different story.
I believe every word.
As I don't know actually where to begin with this (except for the fact that I admire his keeping it real in the crotch region), I will defer to Eugena: "Mr. Jay doesn't look like a matador at all. He looks like...Mr. Jay in a matador costume." Works for me. Probably the worst costume for today, I'd say.
9. Also, at one point, Eugena said CariDee was all over the place. I say, you're all over the place, Eugena!
She is framed totally weird here. The girls are never in the center during their confessionals. They're off to the right:
Yeah, I'm being pedantic, but shit, it's not like I have anything better to do.
10. I loved Twiggy's little squabble with Nigel.
Even she's over this show, and she just got here two cycles ago!
11. In an email, Brandon H. said to me that he thinks Miss J looks like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty.
I think it's wrong to use the words "Miss J" and "beauty" in the same sentence.
12. Did you notice all of Tyra's cool lingo this episode?
Dang. Tyra said that?
Oh my gosh, it's coming true! The prophecy is coming true!