Peace, love, rock and roll madness

When faced with Wednesday's shockingly Atoosa-free, surprise clips show, many shook their fists and said, "Damn you, Tyra Banks!"

For this, she must pay:

But really, I fucking loved this clips show. It makes me want to repeat: America's Next Top Model house! Yeah, baby!

Besides, I have a crying count to tend to.

50. Megg

This is quite possibly the best thing I've ever seen. She's crying so hard that she has a mini-beard of tears! She is a crestfallen billy goat. This is so great, in fact, that you really need to see the aftermath:

You know how the judges on this show sometimes gush over how pretty a girl is when she cries? Yeah, not this time.

51. Monique

I think the closest Monique can come to actual emotion is a high-pitched mutter. So I'm counting this. If she actually cried, the new sensation of emotion would probably make her heart grow, like, five sizes and she'd die. Die, bitch! Die!

52. Megg

I see a tear streak under her left eye. Counts!

53. Anchal

It's a shame that you can't cry away calories, although Anchal may not be clued into this.

And, in the repetitive spirit of the episode, here's the Tyraism of the Week. It's unique to this episode but nonetheless fits a formula near and dear to her heart.

"I would have like to see you have more power. You were like, 'OK...'"

"...rather than, 'OK.'"

The only thing more established than the age-old battle of OK versus OK is the fact that two frames from Tyra's comparison always make for fantastic animated gifs:

This lady is totally sick!

And here's the random bullshit that gets me out of bed in the morning:

1. Monique is seriously a force of evil.

She's hazardous. I said it before, but this time I mean it: she's really more suited for Flavor of Love, what with her screwy logic and morality (in other words, she was on this show for the wrong reasons). I think that she's this close to being a psychopath (and even closer to resembling Salacious Crumb in the shot above). That she thought it was perfectly fine to destroy everyone's food because she couldn't find what she wanted is some disturbed shit.

Also worth noting: this fight was over Doritos. I see a new marketing campaign forming: Doritos - They'll make your fingers as stank as your attitude.

Oh, but in response to this, we got to see Amanda actually act like a person and not a clothes hanger. Which was, you know, awesome or whatever.

This should probably be your new ringtone.

Did you know that what we were watching was actually bitch Monique? "Nice Monique" was apparently thrown out the freakin' window. Or, if Monique's gestures give any clues to Nice Monique's whereabouts...

...she's in a box. Smothering.

And then there was that weird confrontation with Melrose...

I love the composition of this shot. It reminds me of an ABBA video. Except in this case, it'd be called, "Knowing Me, Knowing Vengeful Vagina."

And speaking of that, here's an exchange that not even the clips episode showed...

2. Despite what the other girls say, Melrose isn't the show's resident ding dong. Miss J is.

3. We really need to know more about CariDee's budding singing career.

Praying that she's the first America's Next Top Model Slash Singer/Songwriter.

This may have aired in the original episode, but I didn't notice before that Tyra asked CariDee what was going on in her head.

CariDee launched into something about overcoming psoriasis, but I think she was lying. I think that this is what is in her head...

...always.

4. Oh, Megg.

What would Lita Ford say to bongos?!? Because really, the more Megg talks about her music (in this case, her heavy metal), the more I get the feeling she's a Lita freak.

Oh, and I don't think I've ever liked Jay more than when I watched him keep a straight face as Megg was blubbering about this shit.

Please don't tell anyone that I think he looks hot there.

But seriously, I think Megg's maybe as disturbed as Monique, she just chose light instead of darkness.

"Bongo, bongo..." Sing it, sister.

I only say this because I'm fairly certain that it's true: Megg is retarded. Which is to say: bongoloid.

And speaking of that, CariDee looks way too amused at here makeshift drumstick here:

Unless she's thinking of something else.

She's all, "Remember when I thought that?!?"

I will say that Megg did look hot here:

"Peace, love, rock and roll madness." Is she, like, thinking in Japanese and then translating as she speaks?

She however, did not look hot here:

Was she, like, sitting beneath an underpass in Florida contemplating killing herself to escape her murderous and whoring lifestyle before she walked in the kitchen?

5.

Melrose is reminding me of Shirley Phelps-Roper here.

She'd be all, "Repent Jay and J and Charlie and Sutan and Michelle and Nigel (when you're drunk)! And especially you, Jaeda!"

6. I know this week's My Life as a CoverGirl segment showed Dani on just a test shoot, but at least she's modeling, you know?

Even if it's in bunny ears. Sniff.

7. Whoa.

The return of Mr. Bojangles?!?

A.J. had a vested interest in catching him because she wanted to bite his head off. He was probably Mexican or whatever.

8. I think I've lost every bit of hope and sympathy that I ever had for Anchal.

"Like, I try to eat good breakfast in the morning..." Oh yeah? And I think pleasantness the monkey in CariDee's head produces is what keeps her from slapping Anchal. Because, really: sausage?

When Tyra was doing the voice over roundup of the remaining seven at the end of the episode, she referred to Anchal as "gentle."

I really thought, in the split second between that and the next word, that she was going to follow it up with "giant." Since she didn't, I think I just may start referring to Anchal as the "gentle giant."

9. Jaeda's Tyra impression is so amazing, it's probably best just to show you it again:

I mean, it's better than even Mya Rudolph's impression. This bumps Jaeda way up in my book.

10. Hey guys, guess what's in the can...

...

Shoulda figured, right?

Comments

[stinky]

heeheehee

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Please don't tell anyone that I think he looks hot there

This is where I beat my fists against your chest until I can't takes no mores.

I mean, Sutan I could accept, but the evil orange one? No. Just no.

[Gretchen Weiners]

The best part of that whole thing was CariDee busting ass during the Tyra impression. Oh and the last gif.

[damion]

I think I just peed a little when you wrote of megg.." Was she, like, sitting beneath an underpass in Florida contemplating killing herself to escape her murderous and whoring lifestyle before she walked in the kitchen?"

You are clearly a comedy genius!

[kdub]

Rich, I'm going to have to disagree with you on the Megg being a Lita Ford fan... I've been a metalhead since I was about 12 and in my experience the only metalheads that are all about "peace love and bongos, man" are either into stoner or power metal. In both cases they usually smoke a lot of weed and play D&D/collect Star Wars figures. I'm picturing Megg's bedroom with a Manowar poster and a 1:25 scale Millenium Falcon hanging from the ceiling light.

[meeeeee]

God bless you Rich!

i've bumped you up from my prayer list to my kidney list (if you need one - you can holler)

thats how much i love you!

[Joe]

Hooray. I always click the FourFour link right at the point in my Monday when I need it. Oh my God, CariDee *does* think of chimpanzees using the john, it's written all over her face. She's still rockin' hot. Question: why are the audition videos for ANTM alays so fucking bad? It's like they were shot in 1985. Who thinks to shoot themselves in front of an open closet? This isn't a Michael Moore documentary, CariDee - take that shit outside. At least Jade had the sense to ride a skateboard with a mini dog. Now THAT'S a model! That pic of CariDee thinking of herself thinking of the chimp made me HOWL. Here's the thing about Monique - if you're gonna pull random psycho bullshit, do us all a favor and be original. Throwing away other people's food in retaliation is so 2 seasons ago. P.S. Ellen Burstyn needs to lose a few pounds before she can be on FourFour. I know a doctor who can give her some pills.

[Kosciuszko]

I was so overjoyed to finally read your post. It just made my day! (my daughter will be forking a letter "L" over my forehead when she reads this)

[Jason]

Thanks Rich! I thought there wasn't much to recap, but what a pleasant surprise. The highlight of my Monday.

[miss c]

How DARE Ty Ty have a filler episode right when I'm starting to give a shit about who wins! Btw, the screen capture above of Anchal talking about her meat-lovers breakfast- totally thought her knees were her ginormous boobs at first and thought to myself "well, at least the sausage is going to the right place..."

And Meg is most definitely NOT a metal fan. She may act like Freddy Mercury in the dark of her bedroom, but most likely she likes Rusted Root.

Oh and you surprised me with the last gif...I was certain drunk Lisa talking to Cousin It would be who was revealed!

[Lindsay]

Wow, I think I might have died a little inside when I saw the "Give me back my soul" bit. This is always a fucking fantastic pick me up on a dreary Monday morning. Whenever I'm down, I just go back to the animations and photoshopped creations that you so lovingly compiled, and I just laugh my ass off.

[alyssa]

I don't even watch ANTM, but I just wanted to say that the new masthead is genius. Love you more than ever.

[matt]

Another great recap. Although I'm suprised you didn't comment on the weird ass "Melrose Melrose Melrose" edit the show got. I guess my baby (melrose) is going home next then, eh?

I loved it when Tyra said that CariDee had a supersized personality, and then they went to Anchal. I totally thought she was going to say "supersized body." But of course, she didn't. But its okay, we all knew she thought about it.

[BrookeLover]

AJ thinking the bird was MEXICAN? or whatever?
Brilliant!

You are so funny. CariDee's bubbles containing Chimpanzees just makes awesome sense. She's gotta win now. And yes, I'm downloading, THERE'S FOOD HERE, THERE'S FOOD HERE, THERE'S FOOD HERE... ringtone right now!

[Chavon]

That clip you have of Monique suffocating in the box would have been the perfect pose for last season's doll shoot when Brooke was supposed to be a glamour barbie in the box or something. LOL... I love your recaps!

[Allison]

After Rolling Stone mentioned Strangers With Candy & your Florrie posting, I ran to the computer to check out your website. The Florrie posting was one of the funniest things I have ever seen and it was love at first sight! You have since introduced me to Living Dolls & Project Runway - love them! Not such a fan of ANTM, but I've started watching only to truly appreciate the hilariousness of your postings. Thanks for making Mondays better!

[Vanessa]

I was hoping to see the legendary (per Ken Mok) fight between Melrose and Monique where Melrose evidently got physical and was almost kicked off. Disappointed. But oh to be Megggg and only need some sweet bongos to chase the blues away.

And why did Tyra not lecture Monique once? She lectured Robin (a much lesser force of evil) for showing Jay her rack. She read Tiffany for not being sufficiently humbled at being sent home. She called out Bre about the granola bar catfight. Not one word of wisdom from TyTy for Monique? She's probably burning down a homeless shelter right now because they no longer make Guacamole Doritos.

[David]

The audio clip of Megg saying "bongo, bongo" is toooo much. I've been playing it on repeat and laughing hystarically. Thanks for your recaps! They definitely brighten my day.

[LaSexorcisto]

Bongoloid...ha! Megg is a flippin' moron. Must have slipped through the cracks of our sterling educational system, unless she actually did attend special ed.

Jay Manual should have just told her to STFU once she started bawling about how she couldn't model well w/o listening to her heavy metal music. Are you for real?

AJ is still a poser and an asshole, and I wish Tyra would have gone off on her like she did with Tiffany.

Monique is disgusting. That girl needs a good ass-whooping to put her in her place. I think Flavor of Love would be perfect for her, especially if she makes it to the parents episode. Imagine her ghetto ass mamma in front of the cameras? Child of God my ass. Child of crack maybe.

[Candy]

FYI Jay is hosting Canada's Next Top Model Cycle 2!!!!

[LaSexorcisto]

"I was hoping to see the legendary (per Ken Mok) fight between Melrose and Monique where Melrose evidently got physical and was almost kicked off."

Whoa...seriously? That would have been sweet if Melrose put the beatdown on that ghetto psycho.

[salvo]

I totally heard 'gentle giant' too. I was cracking up when I heard it!

[Whitters]

Megg (rock 'n roooollll!!) did look super-hot in that confessional. And it's not easy to look super-hot with braided pigtails.

[Christine]

Bongo Hat. Gawd. Is Megg's father Vincent Libretti?

[Francine]

When I'm president, our flag will be replaced with the image of a chimp reading a newspaper on the toilet. Hoss Cartwright will be on the $20 bill, too.