Anchal says: "Stop! Don't look at me."
First of all: Way to be a model. The only thing models hate more than people looking at them is people taking pictures of them. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that she routinely eats sausage and four-egg omelettes!
Second of all: If only not looking at her were possible...
...If only it were possible.
Anchal told us not to look at her, but she didn't say anything about laughing at her pain.
Oh, so now you care! You didn't care when you were hitting volley balls on the beach or faux-maiming a NASCAR driver or floating in a vertical wind tunnel or during any of the other fashion-forward challenges that make you not just a better model but a better person.
Pack your bags. All of them.
The more Tyra talks, the more I capture. Either she's getting better, or I'm getting stupider (and I really don't think it's the former). I think it's going to get to the point where the Tyraism of the Week is just going to be a transcript of everything she says. Until then, I inch forward:
Tyraism of the Week No. 1: "Blahblahblah. Naomi Campbell. Blahblahblahblahblahblah." Hey everyone, guess who's still obsessed? Naomi comes up on this show so much, you'd think she were a raving tyrant bitch who just left her prized post at Seventeen. Ahem. Whatever, close enough. Tyra's so jealous. ("Why Naomi? Why can't I be a raving tyrant bitch, too?")
Tyraism of the Week No. 2: Tyra cannot pronounce 'frighteningly.'
After all the shit Tyra gave Danielle last cycle about diction and pronunciation, I expected Tyra to explain her inability to say this not-uncommon word with something like, "When you retire, you take all the words in the dictionary and mush them up in your mouth because there are only so many mashed potatoes in the world and something's gotta take their place while you're whipping up more." You know, something like that.
Tyraism of the Week No. 3:
First of all: "crappy." Second of all: I suppose it makes sense that the order in which girls are called sometimes matters and sometimes is meaningless, given the gleefully arbitrary nature of judging on this show. Third of all: this little speech is basically Tyra saying, "Finally! Someone who gets it!" For who's more committed to idiocy and foolishness than Tyra? I mean:
In fact, I'd argue that her very career is based on forging a new frontier in idiocy and foolishness. And I'll be there to record it, every jiggle of the way.
Tyraism of the Week No. 4:
You know, since no one's around to tell anyone else to go back to Africa, Tyra knows she needs to step in to give us some racialism to discuss. Bless her.
And while we're talking racialism...
1. Why are all the white kids picking each other in the challenges?
I'd be willing to give Michelle the benefit of the doubt, and assume that this was just a coincidence and not a statement of white supremacy. But you never know. Those twins are awfully pale.
Whatever, at least we know that at least one person doesn't totally despise Melrose (I mean, Michelle picked her, which, by the way, came back to bite Michelle in the ass), which means I don't have to compensate anymore. Down with Melrose! I'd deface a screenshot of her by drawing on a mustache or something, but, uh...
...she already has that covered. See, she even sucks at being the subject of mocking!
Although I wasn't kidding about her being deranged...
I imagine her standing over a breezy subway grate in 45 years doing the exact same thing (except in addition to dresses, she'd probably also be removing cats from her person).
Also, how about that song she opened the episode with?
We love you, Brooke
And we gonna miss you like hell
You brought to this house
A feeling I could feel
Gorgeous. It's a sound you can listen to, a song you can sing.
And then when Melrose was done, she cocked her head...
...as if to say, "Well, I'm no Megg, but not bad. Not bad at all." Wrongowrongowrongo.
At least that same thing doesn't involve gloating and telling people what other people are doing wrong, you know?
I mean, even fucking Stanton Barrett was all, "Unfortunately..." when Melrose won the challenge.
Poor Melrose. Poor, hateable Melrose.
2. And while I'm pitying (but not really)...
Yeah, well I am. And you know why? Because Anchal was clearly capable of some stank-ass shit, what with her use of the phrase, "It makes you wanna slap the ho." God, why didn't she just do that?
And, I mean, this was awesome:
Too bad for every that there was a this:
What do you call that dance, the Pussy Noodle Soup?
3. Although, to be fair, that test was totally inane.
OK, so the last two were awesome (CariDee was all, "OK, so just hide like I normally would?"), and you know I love it when they put these girls on the spot. But this might have been even too stupid for my taste (and here I didn't know I had a threshold!). Really, was this spawned from an internal memo Tyra received that read: "Challenge Incompetently?"
4. Nigel had a lot of fun voguing, didn't he?
He wasn't even noticeably drunk or anything. I think sitting in the same room as a drag queen (well, a drag queen and a half, if you count Tyra in addition to J) really rubs off.
5. I'd like to interrupt this recap so that we can behold the beauty of this cycle's crop of girls:
The only way to incorporate CariDee into this sarcastic display is to present a shot of her covering her face.
And even then, she's hotter than Melrose on her best day.
6. And, uh, won't someone get Eugena some sunglasses?
Does she even have eyes anymore? Good luck on that quest for a nice face.
I really did love what she had to say about Anchal, though. "Big ol' blob" -- ha!
7. I disagree with Eugena's assessment of James St. James, though. "Gothic drag queen" doesn't even begin to describe this...
I'm not sure if he wants to eat my soul or my penis or what.
But really, this look has to be inspired by the Bene Gesserit witches of Dune, right?
And, not that it has to do with anything ANTM-related, but how awesome is the last line of that movie? "And how can this be? For he is the Kwisatz Haderach!" How much awesomer is Alicia Witt's mangled, saliva-accumulating delivery?
If I'm ever bored, scared, sleepless or constipated, I think of this and it sorts me right out. It's nature's laxative (and so much more!).
A tangent of the tangent: it's crazy how much the waveform of the above-post MP3 looks like a cock (thanks mostly to the thunderclap):
James St. James is undoubtedly salivating.
8. And speaking of guests, how impressive is it that Gabrielle Reece slipped in a "Just do it"?
The lesson is: when in ANTM-land, shill.
9. And speaking of periphery...
Sutan is the breakout bitch of the cycle. I think he's great, but I urge him to follow his own advice: "suck it in." Please, Sutan, stay where you are. Don't risk all the endearment you've built up so far by hogging the camera and moving up the ANTM ranks. Really, it's not that impressive once you get there, and besides, look at what happened to Miss J and even Janice. Selective editing and brevity are your friends. And these friends are really great friends, because they introduce you to us, and allow everyone to be friends. And then we can be friends. Shit, we can do this every weekend. Aight?
The point is: know your place. Don't accept any promotion that comes your way. You don't want to end up looking like this:
10. You know, sometimes I really miss Jade.
Ah. That's better.
11. Did you notice that Tyra's pre-panel picture was an even more-vague-than-usual reflection of the girls' photo shoot this week?
On the plus size, oops, I mean side, Tyra hasn't looked as thin as she did during panel all cycle...
Maybe it's the hidden vagina arms. Maybe it's that she's balancing Guam on her head. Whatever it is, it's working!
Oh, but I have to cry foul over her assertion that she was beating herself in the head over this week's decidedly wack (and apparently Jacko-channeling) photo shoot.
She calls that beating? Hardly. This is beating:
Commit, Tyra! Commit!