Sweet nothings

As much as it pains me, I feel like it's only fair to admit this: Taylor Hicks looks hot on his CD cover.

Sleeker face + cleaner eyebrows + brooding expression = hot. I mean, he kind of reminds me of George Clooney. Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a lot.

Taylor found his angle and worked it. As admirable as this is (in some circles, at least), it's also proof of how deceptive the single frame can be. If you need to see him in motion, watch a video or look at a gif, and you'll be reminded of the living boner impediment that is Taylor Hicks. Please remember this the next time you see a picture of someone you've never seen in person (say, someone you know via the Internet, someone like, say, a blogger) and decide that they're hot. Swagger and mannerism are never to be discounted.

Still, that Taylor Hicks could be hot to me even for a millisecond makes me feel grosser than I would if I walked in on my parents doing it and liked what I saw.

Some other nonsense that doesn't have anything to do with anything:

-- For the first time since taking in the raw genius of the intro to 50 Cent's From Pieces to Weight, I laughed out loud on the train tonight because of something I read. I was looking through the newest issue of XXL Hip-Hop Soul, chuckling at the write-as-though-our-readers-can't-read philosophy and gratuitous cliche-stringing (excerpt from the Ciara: The Evolution review: "expect more bang for your buck than song for your soul"), and then I got to the Usher story. This had me rolling:

Q: You talk about the importance of being technologically savvy for an executive. How on point are you?
A: I'm getting there. I go online. I Google. I buy stuff.

He Googles? He's getting there? How far up the ass of your own celebrity do you have to be to have been young in the U.S. for almost 30 years and still be "getting there" with computers? Do you think he doesn't have time, with all the hours in the gym he must clock and, you know, the many daily mirror-gazing sessions? Maybe he just has everyone do everything for him. He's been famous for so long that I wonder if he even knows how to jerk off. It would really suck to be in the "getting there" phase of masturbation.

***

-- I was looking forward to Jim Jones' A Dipset Xmas, as I thought that the rampant commercialism of Dipset wrapped around the rampant commercialism of Christmas would make for an awe-inspiring exercise in excess. Plus, think of the endless possibilities of the "ho, ho, ho"/hoes puns! No such luck -- to its (very minor) credit, A Dipset Xmas is no more over-the-top or stupid than your average Dipset record. It's even occasionally poignant. Sucks!

There's a bit of comedy, though, in "Wish List," which finds Jim "losing [his] mind" over trying to get everything his son has asked for Christmas. If the grinding he raps about were of Island of St. Helena Coffee Company beans, he'd be a soccer mom. He wouldn't even need to change cars!

***

-- Speaking of Christmas, in NBC's bizarre, queer-friendly, but ultimately boring live-action remake of The Year Without a Santa Claus, Santa bemoans the commercialization of Christmas, setting up some sort of plot that I really stopped paying attention to immediately (so forgive me if my question was answered later in the movie). Uh, what is Santa Claus in '06 but a positive spin on that commercialization? Santa - presents = Jesus. This is why I tuned out -- that's more religion in a Christmas movie than I can handle.

***

-- In addition to Top Model: British Invasion, here's something that can help take the edge of the end of the ANTM cycle -- an avant hip-hop track that samples one of Monique's rants.

Download: "I'm Not Here To Make Friends With You Guys (I Could Care Less)"

This comes from Eric Steuer, one half of the California indie hip-hop duo Meanest Man Contest. Eric sent this to me a few weeks ago and I'm finally putting it up because I am an asshole who puts everything off. If I'm not retarded, my actions certainly are. Anyway, this track cracks me up and not just because it's novel to hear ANTM in a leftfield pop context. What's most genius to me is the call and response between Monique's seething and those screechy strings. She's a psycho, all right! Clearly, Eric knows his shit.

***

-- And while I'm sharing music, here's something I'll never get around to writing about in a proper context: Geiger's "Good Evening (SuperMayer Mix)." This track is kicking my ass right now -- who needs new rave when there's apparently so much to left do with old-rave conventions? If you need 12 minutes to fly by, put this on.

***

-- This is amazing.

***

-- It really bums me out that The Fountain turned out to be such a flop. I loved it. A lot of the reviews attacked it for being pretentious. It was but in the best possible way -- it scaled centuries for and built alternate universes around a total cliché (roughly: the desire for eternal life). As every story has been told, and will continue to be told, I think Aronofsky made a great decision in playing with format and weaving it together via rhyming images. The fact that The Fountain was so trite at heart (while being presented as anything but) rang really true to me -- clichés are clichés for a reason. People really are trite. We just often hate for our art to remind us of that.

***

-- And speaking of trite, let me point my gay fingers at the homoeroticism of MTV's Rob and Big. Jesus! In one of the recent episodes, the pair visit an amusement park and decide to ride one of those sling-shot types of things that fits two people, costs probably $50 a ride and feels sort of unofficial, like it's run by the humanoid counterparts of the carnies who run the real rides in the park. Anyway, this ride requires them to be in a sort of flying position, as though they're lying on their stomachs in a giant sling, side-by-side. As they're being hoisted up, Big comments that he feels like he's in a gay porno. Um, what? Assuming that he doesn't think that gay people have special genitals that make fucking while lying side-by-side possible, he must be referring to the sling. And how would he know about slings being associated with gay sex if he didn't observe it (or take part in it) at some point? I'd say that slings are even more advanced gay than, say, poppers. And do straight guys even know about poppers?

In an episode I didn't see, but heard about, someone asks them if they're a couple and Big asks how that could possibly work physically, as he's so big and Rob isn't. Not, you know, "How could that work physically, since other penises don't give me wood?" GAY.

***

-- And speaking of homoeroticism, I know that the whole Baby-and-Lil-Wayne-sitting-in-a-tree thing is soooo two months ago, but indulge me for a second. The kissing thing didn't really set off my gaydar so much, since it was such a public display (if they were really that gay, they'd hide it, right?). Still, I can't get over their daddy-son thing. Way to slyly play out your fantasies in public, guys. And not just your fantasies, but the fantasies of many, many other gay men. I can't believe that there's not yet a porno honoring their audacity. God, porno industry! Must I do everything for you?

An even more fetishy follow-up could be based on their newest single, "Leather So Soft." The tagline, of course would be: "...but the dicks so hard!" You listening, Ty Lattimore?

Comments

[Tiffani Noel]

That was probably the longest blog entry ever but so very entertaining. I can't wait to listen to the Monique song. Omg I wish she had stayed around longer so Melrose didn't have to be the villain (I think she would have won if it weren't for that).

Also I should have told you before, that Ciara song you wrote about...I love it despite myself. Although I can't get behind you on the Taylor Hicks thing. Sorry about that. :)

[felipe anuel]

Bacchus! Too damn funny. That would be the cut rate porno company they'd be relegated to. The only thing missing from the cover is featuring Bobby Blake in the lower right corner.

[Jacquie]

Hicks does look good in that picture. Very interesting and true about the idea of judging someone by one picture.

The Usher quote is hilarious, and I love getting your take on The Fountain, I had a feeling that the media response and C rating from critics meant that I would love it, and judging by past experience, if you love it, I will.

[Deege]

Oh Rich, stop it! We're gonna think you're hot no matter how much you protest.

I too, was disappointed that The Fountain was El Floppo. I guess it would have helped if I'd actually schlepped out to a theater to go see it, instead of just sitting at home reading reviews of it. I'll wait for the DVD.

Rob and Big is the gayest not gay thing I've seen since Fight Club. You MUST watch the mini-marathons they show on Mtv so you can see Rob pitch a fit when Big goes to see the "pretty nutritionist", or Rob rub Ben Gay on Big's ass and smack it for good measure, or see Big sit bare assed on top of Rob when he's trapped inside a giant, round, plastic chair (like I said, you gotta see it). There's like, 47 other instances of homo-ero, all funny and WTF at the same time.

So, what are poppers?

[Zara]

Oh Rich...glad you like Chink gossip.

Thanks!

[ezra]

LOVE the Bacchus cover, such a good porn co.

HATE New Rave...for so many resons, mainly because its just dudes in dancey Noize Rawk Bandz wearing neon. Its not ravey enough to deserve that name.

[11]

I'd give Taylor a lil' taste.

rob shaving big's back? super gay. I mean, seriously, they have professionals for that.

[Kyle T]

Hmmm...

I agree. Taylor Hicks looks lickable there, but luckily we know it's not really the case.

I like the idea of using Monique for a bitchy remix, but I hate when people sample mid-90s Enya. Hate it.

Love ya Rich!

[nicole]

aol has the fantasia, mary and taylor albums to listen to- oh yeah and tyrese -which really blows!

[kdub]

That Monique song was great. And I don't know how I missed that previous post on Taylor Hicks (prob. because I don't watch American Idol) but it was hilarious.

[Josh]

Nice post as always, Rich. That Monique song is dope but you neglected to mention that it also includes a sound bite of Brooke from Cycle 6! She was one of ANTM's all time great crybabies.

[AliG]

"the living boner impediment that is Taylor Hicks"

genius

[Mara]

yeah yeah, rob & big...gay, etc. the show is pretty funny tho, and i haven't been able to say that of anything on mtv lately.

luv the stuntin like my daddy pic; but even more hilarious is weezy f baby tattoed on baby's chest--what the blue fuck??!! i want that shit on a t-shirt.
they just need to come out already, for real.

oh and taylor hicks is an ass. same goes for usher. photoshop man...

[theidlereceptionist]

Good for taylor for losing weight. But he STILL reminds me of a muppet.

[angela]

I stopped after Fantasia so I missed this but you know, I don't live under a rock, I knew he won but I thought it was a joke, you know, internet pranksters! You linked youtube and I went and watched him sing Takin' it to the Streets and it was, you know what it was! Farty.
HE PICKS UP A TAMBOURINE. That was a highlight. I do believe it but it shouldn't be true.

[Shot of Love]

I feel like a naturalist writer looking at the grand canyon and unable to properly express my awe. Chink is the New Blog, wow, that is um ... a piece of perfect mockery.

[Vinita Demla]

you're one hot blogger!

[DJ]

I'm glad to hear someone else besides me like The Fountain. I feel like all of the people who reviewed it either didnt understand it, or just didnt care enough to figure out what it was actually about. Bah humbug!

I tried watching that Rob & Big show once. I pretty much had to turn it off after 5 minutes. It kills my brain cells faster than 'Being Bobby Brown' ever could.

[Hope]

"living boner impediment"
Rich, I adore you.

[AntBee]

I, for one, could care less if Baby and Lil Wayne are gay. If they are, who else would want their ugly asses but each other? I say this as an out and proud Black gay person. If anyone is a "living boner impediment," along with Taylor Hicks, it is Lil Wayne and his fucked up mouth!

[Ridwah]

I loved The Fountain too. I'm so sad that Hugh didn't get a Golden Globe nom this morning. His performance was amazing.

[Foxy]

Getting off on Taylor Hicks or loving The Fountain: I'm not sure which is worse.

Whatever you are smoking, it's not working for you. Save that shit for guests you don't really like and buy a new bag.

[price]

Two more reasons why the Fountain is so great: (1) plenty of male sobbing, which is seriously kind of my favorite thing in movies and (2) Donna Murphy plays one of the scientists. She doesn't have the insane line readings like in Center Stage, but her presence was welcome anyway.

The only thing I would criticize is that I had an allergic reaction to some of the new agey stuff. Did he really have to sit lotus style and look like a hare krishna?

[This one girl]

So I want SO badly to post my personal information on here but I'm afraid my boss will somehow see this.

Anyway, my boss is Rob from Rob and Big's best friend and he is also their collective manager. My coworkers and I spend all day listening to stories about how "fly" they both are (note: Big is set to release a rap album with the group "The Chunky Boys" where three fat guys rap about being fat...THAT'S never been done before..nah uh!) but my coworkers and I all agree that the show would at least be interesting if they were actually gay. At least then it would be endearing to watch this seemingly mismatched couple go through their daily routines.

You hit the nail on the head sir.