You know what I love?
I love that for the first time in, say, 45 years, La Toya has the chance to be the world's most loved Jackson, if only for a brief flicker. Michael's a pop-culture leper, Janet's got her head up Jermaine Dupri's ass, and Jermaine (Jackson), Katherine and Joseph haven't felt the need to lament anything to the press lately. Now that she's on a reality show (seriously: what took so long?), it's La Toya's time to shine. Do you know how happy that makes her?
Do you know how happy it makes me?
I didn't love CBS' Armed & Famous, which premiered last night -- it's serviceable reality camp along the fish-out-of-water lines of The Simple Life (the premise involves taking five celebs of
diminished varying stature, training them to be cops and plopping them in Muncie, Indiana to serve and protect). I did, however, love watching La Toya. I can't decide if she acts like she's lived her life in a bubble, or if she acts like she's lived her life blowing bubbles (I'm certain, however, that she did not not, I repeat, not live her life blowing Bubbles). slutmachine pointed out to me that even at 50, La Toya still acts like a 6-year-old. Seriously, the way she says something like, "All my life, I've wanted to do two things: I've always wanted to work at McDonalds, and I've always wanted to be a police officer," is so childlike and awestruck that I can't even hate her for the nauseating privilege behind her sentiment.
I also can't hate her for requesting a tablecloth at a peanut-shells-on-the-floor-type joint...
And seriously, after watching her fumble around with a coin-only detergent dispenser (because, clearly, she's never encountered one in her 50 years of giggling)...
...and then kicking ass at the shooting range...
...pointing a gun and hitting your mark is looking really easy right now. If La Toya can do it, I can do it, you know? Then again, I think if La Toya can do it, Winston can do it.
Other highlights included her opening walk:
(This is how you strut into my heart, obviously.)
The post-coital glow that followed her being tazed...
For real: E-stim is sweeping the nation. I learned that on X Tube, but La Toya Jackson brought it into my living room.
I love her earring. The heart through a giant loop recalls the key through a loop that Janet wore around Rhythm Nation. I'm sure this is just a coincidence.
Also fascinating are her eyebrows. Take another look:
They are antenna-like.
Maybe my favorite thing was the the celebs' instructor, told La Toya that she couldn't sing and dance her way out of her training. Nice that he knows her for her singing and dancing, unlike, you know, the rest of the world. Seriously, if you want to bring up La Toya's claims to fame, you should say things like, "You can't pose nude with a python your way out of this one," or, "You can't 1-900 your way out of this one," or, "You can't show up at a press conference ranting about your brother's pedophilia your way out of this one." To the instructor's comment, slutmachine responded, "She couldn't sing and dance her way out of a paper bag." So true, so true.
So yeah, A&F is fun, especially when it involves 70-year-old, toothless, Erik Estrada-worshipping coke dealers...
...but it's not anything I want to recap on a regular and/or extended basis. Still, if 'Toy does anything particularly outrageous or awesome, I'll note it here. She is, after all, the current star of the Jackson family and an inspiration to camp enthusiasts everywhere.
Most tenderly, she's the light of my life right now.