Be my play-'Toy, too

You know what I love?

I love that for the first time in, say, 45 years, La Toya has the chance to be the world's most loved Jackson, if only for a brief flicker. Michael's a pop-culture leper, Janet's got her head up Jermaine Dupri's ass, and Jermaine (Jackson), Katherine and Joseph haven't felt the need to lament anything to the press lately. Now that she's on a reality show (seriously: what took so long?), it's La Toya's time to shine. Do you know how happy that makes her?

Do you know how happy it makes me?

I didn't love CBS' Armed & Famous, which premiered last night -- it's serviceable reality camp along the fish-out-of-water lines of The Simple Life (the premise involves taking five celebs of diminished varying stature, training them to be cops and plopping them in Muncie, Indiana to serve and protect). I did, however, love watching La Toya. I can't decide if she acts like she's lived her life in a bubble, or if she acts like she's lived her life blowing bubbles (I'm certain, however, that she did not not, I repeat, not live her life blowing Bubbles). slutmachine pointed out to me that even at 50, La Toya still acts like a 6-year-old. Seriously, the way she says something like, "All my life, I've wanted to do two things: I've always wanted to work at McDonalds, and I've always wanted to be a police officer," is so childlike and awestruck that I can't even hate her for the nauseating privilege behind her sentiment.

I also can't hate her for requesting a tablecloth at a peanut-shells-on-the-floor-type joint...

And seriously, after watching her fumble around with a coin-only detergent dispenser (because, clearly, she's never encountered one in her 50 years of giggling)...

...and then kicking ass at the shooting range...

...pointing a gun and hitting your mark is looking really easy right now. If La Toya can do it, I can do it, you know? Then again, I think if La Toya can do it, Winston can do it.

Other highlights included her opening walk:

(This is how you strut into my heart, obviously.)

The post-coital glow that followed her being tazed...

For real: E-stim is sweeping the nation. I learned that on X Tube, but La Toya Jackson brought it into my living room.

I love her earring. The heart through a giant loop recalls the key through a loop that Janet wore around Rhythm Nation. I'm sure this is just a coincidence.

Also fascinating are her eyebrows. Take another look:

They are antenna-like.

Maybe my favorite thing was the the celebs' instructor, told La Toya that she couldn't sing and dance her way out of her training. Nice that he knows her for her singing and dancing, unlike, you know, the rest of the world. Seriously, if you want to bring up La Toya's claims to fame, you should say things like, "You can't pose nude with a python your way out of this one," or, "You can't 1-900 your way out of this one," or, "You can't show up at a press conference ranting about your brother's pedophilia your way out of this one." To the instructor's comment, slutmachine responded, "She couldn't sing and dance her way out of a paper bag." So true, so true.

So yeah, A&F is fun, especially when it involves 70-year-old, toothless, Erik Estrada-worshipping coke dealers...

...but it's not anything I want to recap on a regular and/or extended basis. Still, if 'Toy does anything particularly outrageous or awesome, I'll note it here. She is, after all, the current star of the Jackson family and an inspiration to camp enthusiasts everywhere.

Most tenderly, she's the light of my life right now.

Comments

[Tootie]

Oh Rich, I didn't know I could love LaToya as much as Reebie(sp), but I do now!

I thought I wasn't going to like this show, but I do, even though I have no idea who the blonde is.

Having spent time in Indiana, I have a fondness for their WT. This show is like watching Cops with d-listers, which is never a bad thing.

Now is it wrong of me to find Jack Osbourne sort of attractive? I can't believe I just admitted that...

[kestrien]

When I was a little kid, I spent summers on my grandparents' ranch. They raised chickens and I got to pick one to be my "pet." What name did the little 9-year-old girl pick? LaToya. Yes, I named my pet chicken after Michael Jackson's skeevy little sister. I used to put a necklace on her and feed her bran flakes from a spoon.

[Jay]

I really hope Latoya blows up and gets her own show. Wouldn't that be sumthin'?!

[Karen]

Armed and Famous? Why haven't I heard about that?

LaToya having her own reality show seems one of those genius ideas that seems so obvious only after the fact. Why hasn't it happened already!

[stroll]

Toy is, and always has been, my favorite Jackson.

[MichaelTLH]

I could care less how "cleaned up" Jack Osbourne is, the midget annoys me and I've no idea who the blonde is... but LATOYA FOR PRESIDENT!

[Chuck]

seeing her shoot an innocent man during the mock traffic stop was the funniest thing i have ever seen on television.

[Pinwiz]

Latoya looks like she's having more fun than Jermaine is/was on Celebrity Big Brother. (I'm a few days behind, so I don't know if he survived the first eviction.) Of course, CBBUK has more whining/tea and less guns/meth.

[tia]

what a pleasant afternoon treat this was.

[Chaka_Kahn]

Why are you pushing slutmachine's blog so much? Not subtle.

[Jacquie]

Loves it! Yes do fill us in on random Toya moments, but without adding to your already busy recapping plate. I think that
"Don't try to (weirdness only Toya can claim) your way out of this one.." might be a candidate for the new Imagine that! by Jade..Very, very funny.

[pesky808]

ah ha ha ha! i thought i was the only one watching this show!

stop hating. slut machine is a humble genius. more coke/power to her!

[♥dex]

"stop hating. slut machine is a humble genius. more coke/power to her!"

^^Mysteriously the above comment has no author.

Oh, Slut, you sly devil you. I agree wholeheartedly regardless. ;)

thanks for filling the empty, empty space left behind by project runway and antm. luv ya rich!

[slut machine]

that wasn't me that posted that! i'm a genius, yes, but never humble.

[Kiki]

I know this is blog about La Toya and it was hilarious. But I have to say I need a Winston fix. Where is the kitty!!!

[Chaka_Kahn]

I'm not hating on slutmachine. I suppose I'm hating on blog advertising that doesn't admit what it is.

[Y]

OMG tonights episode! She's afraid of cats!

HAHA.

[J]

I FUCKING LOVE YOU! Seriously, I've been watching this show since its premiere and I fell in love with LaToya (naturally) immediately. I totally feel the same way as you, sexy! She's a motherfucking star, and she was shining the brightest in the most recent episode with her cat phobia and handling of the toothless crackhead who had a warrant out for her arrest.

She needs her own show STAT!!

~~IF YOU'RE READING THIS, SHINE ON, 'TOY 'TOY! FROM HERE ON OUT YOU ARE THE SHINING STAR OF THE JACKSON FAMILY! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DESERVES THE FAME, SO GET THAT SHIT!!!!~~

[Crazy about the girl]

Toy cannot "breast feed a stone Cupid with her siliconized milker in the same Playboy spread where the python got to know her vagina" out of my heart....

[Lisa]

Not to push LaToyah out of her well deserved spotlight, but Jermaine is whispering up a storm in Celebrity Big Brother UK:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyG0jbSDYyQ

[matt]

Oh E-Stim Xtube and LaToya Jackson. Together at last.

Seriously though, Xtube is like gods gift to people who want to know what fetishes are. I'd have never known there is an odd british slang term for wanking off into your sneaker (Scuvvy or something like that) without it.

[Maria]

Thanks for covering this Rich. I so want to hug her. She is adorably retarded.

[Dop]

Jermaine Jackson is on Big Brother Celebrity UK right now. They say he's very shy. Might be interesting to see how long La Toya's star shines, though.

[R.Kitty]

Muahahahaha - On last night's show it was revealed that LaToya has a fear of Kitties - let's give her some sweet, sweet Winston time...

[Izzy]

In the last pic she looks like Noranti from Farscape. Lol!

[Marcus]

Who knew LaToya was so fabulous?? She's my new hero!

[superandystar]

This post was so well put together, the circle at the end made me want to cry. lol good job... i hate the jacksons, but you def made me want to see this show.. on to youtube for tidbits!

[Rich]

Why are you pushing slutmachine's blog so much? Not subtle.

Posted by: Chaka_Kahn | January 11, 2007 at 05:48 PM

Uh, I'm not, I'm just not about to take credit for something that someone else says that I think is worth including. I hang out with her a lot and she says funny things a lot. Deal with it or, uh, don't.

And if you're in the market for subtlety, why the fuck are you reading this blog, anyway?

I only watch this show for Latoya! She's kicking butt!

[anjeli]

"stop hating. slut machine is a humble genius. more coke/power to her!"

was me!

[girladvenger]

I love LaToya, she funny and brave. I like how she talked to the stealer about getting her life together and more importantly she kind.

Nice show, I'm going to check this out again...a enjoyable guilty pleasure.

[susiesneds]

"All my life, I've wanted to do two things: I've always wanted to work at McDonalds, and I've always wanted to be a police officer,"....
Gee, I'm confused...I thought she said THIS,
“I have always wanted to be involved with a hot, new lifestyle product such as this”, said Jackson
when she was the spokesperson for "Star Ice", Star Ice, the,"... delicious-malt- beverage-imported-from-Australia-and- bottled-in-a-slim-line-bottle-with-a- champagne-fizz-imported-from-the-mystical- land-down-under-Australia.

This lady has DREAMS DAMMIT!!(Deep sigh with eyes welling up) And thanks to the magic of Reality TV, we get to see those,(Sob!) dreams come true!!

[Marie]

I feel you, Rich. I was watching Ugly Betty (which is stupid but still somehow addictive - like bad potato chips) and kept flipping around. I had forgotten this show was premiering cuz I wanted to see it. Well, I too was charmed by lil' Miss Latoya. Normally the sound of her name makes me sick. After watching her I was converted. I thought she was precious! It really seems that she is mentally quite innocent. I thought she came across as honest and vulnerable. Except for the fur, I guess I can't hate her anymore.

Now if I could just master that walk (snap!).

[rod]

Love the focus on this. You glimpse over the premise of the show. You make no mention of whomever the celebs involved are.

LaToya is the star here. As she is everywhere. And everywhen.

[PurlyQueen]

Don't worry about Jermaine. He's clogging up British television screens on Celebrity Big Brother where a load of past-its and wannabes are locked in a house for two weeks They are given tasks to complete - such as make up a Jackson Five tribute group. Failure means their food and alcohol supplies are severely rationed. Kinda like watching rats locked up in a cage.

[jammer]

WHEN THE CENTIPEDE IS HOT!

[AtlanticVamp]

The "blonde" that some of the commenters are referring to (unless it's LaToya's partner, then I dunno)may be Trish Stratus, who was with the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) in the late 90's to early 00's. Her actual job on the show started as a "valet" (the hot chick that walks with a male wrestler to the ring in order to assert HIS hotness), then she became the Marla Maples to WWE owner Vince McMahon's Donald Trump on the show, until Vince's(*storyline-dictated)demands included her crawling like a dog and barking in the ring, stripping to her underwear on command, and being doused in what looked like a bucket of diarrhea when she attempted to break up with him. Apparently, that was a hazing ritual intended to humble her enough to become...a wrestler. Oddly enough, for all the degradation and nudity she did on the show, she's one of the few popular WWE "Divas" (as they're called) who refused to pose for Playboy magazine. Even Amazonian Chyna (aka, Joanie Laurer, aka Chyna Doll from VH1's Surreal Life 4 and Fame Games) did Playboy...twice!

[David]

I grew up in Muncie, IN!! I had no idea the show was being shot there. Maybe I'll give it a try this week...

...Armed and Famous...

Perhaps not.

[ETS]

LaToya's walk alone in the opening had me hooked.

[Quel]

Thanks for keeping us posted on LaToya. I refuse to watch the show. The only reason I would watch would be to see what she's up to, but you have that covered.

I watched a bit of the Wiz today and wanted to light a candle for the Micheal of yester-times.

[Tommy]

This makes me so very happy, too.

She's just so damn lovable. This show doesn't even air up here, but thanks to YouTube, I'm hanging on every moment of her Toy-ness..

[Breeze]

I am soooooooo happy that I lucked up and found your blog. I thought I was the ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA who thought that LaToya's "performances" on Armed and Dangerous are an absolute HOOT!

I never really gave her that much attention to her before now but I think she is a laugh riot. I watch every week specifically for HER... waiting for one glorious episode when she accidentally shoots somebody and the spin CBS will put on it!

[Flo]

Uh-oh, watch out: La Toya Jackson's fanbase just went from 5 folk to 20!!!

I watched this show, and I actually enjoyed it in spite of my hatred for reality television. LaToya is kind of cute in that strange kind of living-under-a-rock-and-has-finally-seen-the-world
type of cute...

My favorite part was when she calls Jackie on the phone and tells him not to tell mother she's doing this; "Please, don't tell mother," and than she continues to add "...and don't tell Michael or Jermaine. Oh and don't tell Janet either..." LOL.

I want a Jackson family reunion damnit. I need to see them altogether in one place again, it is called for. I'd love to know what Michael/Janet thinks of their older sister being a police officer of their hometown Indiana.

Seriously though, I'll always love Michael and Janet the best. And Tito cause I like his name.....