Hey everyone: look what God can do!
Now focus your attention on what he can't do: hair.
This year's Oscars ceremony sucked. Seriously, you know something's amiss when it's boring on fast forward. It's bizarre because I thought Ellen was great, especially in her opening monologue, which basically implored the self-conscious to be more so. I was fine with, if not exactly excited for, most of the winners (especially Scorsese, Mirren, Arkin, until he started reading his fucking speech, and even Hudson). I was even OK with the predictable our-collective-heart-bleeds-green motif that wound throughout the night. But just about every non-awards bit was excruciating. Between the wannabe avant bullshit (shadow puppets lose their thrill after a while, no matter how big and cinematic they are) and the stupid montages (they're supposed to remind us why we love film but seriously, they just make me kinda hate it), I can't help but wonder if they're trying to waste our time (and I know, deep down, that, of course they are -- they have ads to sell). And I'm not even going to go into my displeasure at having to sit through 10 minutes of Dreamgirls all over again.
But whatever. With any awards shows come questions from me and here's the Academy Awards 2007 edition:
If Ryan Gosling continues his cuteness acceleration will he be the sexiest man alive by the time he hits 35?
Speaking of JenHud's hair, why is it flat? Does she sleep upside down?
(It looks like it might even be some weird digital cropping thing, some 'do letterboxing or something, but...
...nope. It's just...flat.)
Ugh, why Jack?
It's gotta be for a role, right? He's gonna be playing Mr. Clean or Daddy Warbucks or Kojak or Lex Luthor or Dr. Claw (as I imagine him to be behind that chair) or a penis, right?
What is that: velvet?
Do you think that Will Ferrell grew his hair out like that to show up John C. Reilly (as in: "This is what you go for but can never achieve, Skimpylocks?"). Or is Will gearing up to play Sideshow Bob?
They can show genitalia on TV now?
What am I asking: of course they can!
Cate Blanchett, what are you doing to help the environment?
("Conserving oxygen by breathing through my nose, not my mouth.")
Why did Penelope Cruz bring a stick in the mud in a dress as her date?
(Seriously: why so hateful, lady? Does it hurt that much to be mistaken for Mexican?)
That camera can really sneak up on you, huh Jerry?
Did anyone else's heart rate quicken when Gore was doing his bit even though you knew it was a bit and you knew that even Gorebot wasn't about to announce his presidential campaign by reading off a prompter?
This guy (William Monahan, writer of The Departed) couldn't even keep his eyes open during his acceptance speech. That sheet he's "reading" off of is a ruse. Valium really, really works, huh?
Girls, isn't it about time you hung up the Prada? Isn't holding onto shtick the anti-fashion?
What is this Price Is Right Showcase Showdown bullshit?
I'd bid, but I know I'd go over.
You know how Gywneth Paltrow has saggy, baboon boobs (baboobs?)?
Do you think covering them was her strategy? If style comes down to accenting your strengths and deemphasizing your flaws, this hair placement was a triumph.
God. Lesbianism, cancer, global warming: it's always something with Melissa Etheridge, isn't it?
Girl, why you lyin'?
No one was surprised. Come on.
Do you think during JenHud's speech, Beyoncé was all...
"Please God, can you do that for me, too? I'd ask Daddy, but I hit him up for an Oompa Loompa earlier today and I don't want to push it. I'm a nice girl, see..."?
Is Eva Green the lovechild of Penelope Cruz and Elvira? Was Tim Burton the obstetrician?
Here's a multiple choice question: In which shot does Celine Dion mean it the most?
The answer is none of the above. Celine Dion means it the most when she contorts her lips to reveal the John Waters-mustache nature of her lip liner.
Do you think Kirsten Dunst chose a translucent dress because she wanted it to match her skin?
(Bitch is so pale she has the skin tone of a hot dog!)
OK, this isn't a question...
This is so cheap. It's one thing to read a list of names because people and their hurt feelings can be a hassle. It's another thing to read sentiment that's supposedly from your heart. At least Alan Arkin had the decency to acknowledge the lameness in reading a speech. Seriously, Forest, is it that hard to be a real person instead of an actor for 30 seconds? I'm not offended by his supposition that he was going to win (for why else write a speech?), I'm offended that he couldn't even memorize the bullshit that he was spewing. "I wanted to touch people" is just a pussy-fied way of saying, "I wanted to be famous."
Diane, how does it feel to be touching a human-sized penis?
Fabulous and post-menopausal, just as I suspected!
Did Marty forget his hearing aid or something?
Oh! I get it, finally...
Jack's supposed to be Oscar. His bologna has a first name and, more importantly, a purpose.