Don't let the door hit you on the Cass

I have nothing to say about Cassandra's departure (I mean, do you other than, "Bout time!"?). But I do have a question...

Who wore it best?

I'm gonna try to keep the crying-count commentary engaging, but it'll be difficult seeing as two girls account for 10 out of the 12 instances. I hate them as much as I love them.

29. Jael

Jael is crying because after sitting through 8 hours of weave-getting, it has to be taken out. I've never had a weave (yet!), but this would seem plenty sucky. Plus, she's a roll-with-the-punches kinda chick, so I kinda think that this reason for makeover crying is more valid than most. So I'm not so concerned with her motivation, but how it is depicted. Because seriously...

...with those angles and lighting, this looks like a porno.

Fuck My Tear Ducts 23?

For real: Jael is glistening and it's making me uncomfortable.

30. Brittany

Her weave hurts. Awww she looks so...awkward when she's uncomfortable.

30. Jael

Too sad to mock.

31. Brittany

"Smart Water doesn't actually make you smart?" Deception hurts everyone

32. Jael

She filled that pool herself. (With pee.)

33. Brittany

Awww, don't cry. Here, I'll make you feel better: You look just like Kirstie Alley in Look Who's Talking, Too. It's a compliment!

34. Jael

Whitney says: "Jael to the no!"

35. Jael

Her friend is still dead.

36. Whitney

This was amazing. During the final two, uh, ceremony, Whitney knew that Cassandra, apparently the house's spiritual center, was most likely going home. They cut to Whitney three times and each time, she looked more over-the-top than the last.

That led to this awesomeness:

Is it tasteless to call this "blubbering," since she's a plus-size and all?

37. Diana

Big girls need big personalities, Diana. You must be jolly, damn it. LEARN FROM TOCARRA'S MISTAKES.

38. Jael

But how will she get her holy water of Fatima now that Cassandra's leaving?

39. Brittany

I can't really tell if Brittany was crying for sure, but I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt.

And now, with that hammy makeover-drama mini-sketch that Tyra did, it's fair to say that she's totally back to suppressing nothing.

That's OK with me, actually, for it produced an explosion of Tyraisms this week. That said, I really wish that Jay had better aim and a more vindictive disposition.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

This one isn't a verbal -ism, but a physical one. Every time Tyra tells the girls about their impending makeovers, she does this weird fluttery motion with her hands at least once. This episode, she did it half a dozen times.

Here she is telling Jael that her hair will be long:

And here, the motion means "thick and curly" and/or "wavy, big beautiful afro" (about Cassandra's makeover):

Here, regarding Whitney, it means, "a lot of beautiful hair":

Here, it means Jaslene will be endowed with "thick, bodied, flowy" locks:

Here, Tyra's using the motion to tell Brittany she'll have "long, wavy, read, big and bushy" hair:

And here, it means blonde:

Nonsense! So maybe it's more a tic than a Tyraism. Hmm.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

[To Jael] "A lot of the times, I can't recognize your ethnicity, that you do have African American in you. But in this photo, we're seeing your ethnicity, which is good, to be able to play up different things." The photo in question is this one:

So, that would make Jael's ethnicity, what? Raspberry? Is she descended from cotton candy? Was she born of blood-red baboon butt, and has yet to take a bath?

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

[On Whitney's photo] "The uncomfortableness that everybody's feeling is in your face. If you would have done the stiff thing and went like this...

...it woulda changed it. Instead of...."

Call me crazy, but I think that she's right and that this is useful information. I guess it goes to show that she can't be wrong all of the time!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Oh, you doin' the black-girl pat. Yeah, that's what you do when your hair weave itches [built-in laugh track aka the ANTM contestants]."

Racist!

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"That's beautiful! Culture is beautiful! I don't sit up here and go, 'That was a great shot.' I'm like, 'Girl, you better work it,' duhduhduh, 'You look a little hoochie.' That's my culture. So it's important to, like, bring that!"

I don't even know where to start and I'm not sure that I have to. I will say that besides Tyra's examples of talking like "her culture," this whole rant is delivered in the bubbly intonation of, like, a Cali-bred mall rat. Chick-Fil-A and Bag Barn are beautiful!

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"[It's] not America's Next Top Hip-Hop, Booty Shakin' Star."

Not that I mind the bubbliness -- I thought Tyra was charming this episode, especially with this quote. You get the feeling that she didn't cry for two hours the day before she shot it, you know? Also, she's right: this isn't ANTHHBSS, but I would totally watch that. Oh wait, I kind of already am.

Also, I noticed that for the third straight episode, Tyra launched into the, "So who goes home. The girl who X or the girl who Y" spiel. What used to be a regular is becoming a staple. Wow. Sometimes I fascinate myself.

Also, I didn't hear anyone say "fierce" this episode. Hmmm, could that be because of the state of the makeovers? (I am stupid and cannot follow everything I set out to. Stop reading now. Do you really want to read the musings of a failure?)

1. I'm not going to go through all of them. Or even most of them. I thought they were mostly unflattering for a group of girls who need all the help they can get. For the absolute worst, I nominate:

Seriously, I think the thought process was, "Nothing says 'really red' like raggedy!"

That is some, Ani DiFranco, my-armpits-smell-like-and-are-just-as-hairy-as-my-vagina type shit.

I mean, Jesus! I'm no beauty expert, but I came up with four alternatives to this makeover that would have been much more flattering:

Seriously! God, even Jael's I'm-either-gonna-smoke-this-or-put-it-on-my-head approach to tinsel would have been better than the fucking used mop they wove into Brittany's head.

I like that Jaslene said that she felt like getting rid of a lot of her hair was getting rid of a lot of "anger, resentment."

As she resembles "Half Breed"-era Cher in her post-makeover photo, is it fair to assume that her anger and resentment stemmed from manifest destiny?

Here is the equation for Sarah's post-makeover appearance:

I think that Whitney's bigger hair suits her (and I'm not being mean by saying that!), but in the first shot of her with it in, her hair was so flat that it seriously looked like her weave was still in the pack sitting on her head.

 

Natasha looks like one of those chicks on one of those ancient-seeming hair-salon poster that exist only to provide examples of what not to get:

Or maybe she looks like an '80s Euro-disco starlet a la this. Much like Jaslene is the perfect name for a freestyle diva, Natasha would suit an Italo disco bitch to a T.

I loved, btw, when Tyra told her she was going "chocolate brown." She rejoiced.

She's all, "I love brownies! When do we eat?"

Finally, Renee's haircut isn't so much soccer mom...

...as it is, aspiring soccer mom.

2. And speaking of Her Royal Trashiness:

I know Renee's a bitch and that she must be very difficult to deal with, but I thought her, "Girls talk about girls," rant rang really true. It might be gross in principle, but in practice, she's right, albiet smacking of Gingerbread Man mentality (she's the alligator, see). You know, Tyra told Norelle in Cycle 3, "Everybody talks about everybody," and she's right. I think that's the wisest thing that Tyra ever said. Anyway, in the whole Renee-Brittany saga, I'm not trying to side with the cunt, especially when I admire Brittany for calling Renee out on her shit.

You know what I don't admire, though? This:

Felicia, exhibiting the blink-and-you'll-miss-it awesomeness that's becoming her trademark responded with, "Nobody's hand is." See, everybody talks about everybody, but few are capable of such cutting wit. I dig Felicia, even if her chicklet teeth leave a something to be desired.

3. Oh yeah, but back to Renee, she's so trashy and occasionally vaguely Southern that she reminds me of about half of my graduating class. I can't believe she's not from New Jersey! But you know whom I can believe is from New Jersey?

First of all, nice hoops. The earrings you wear, they're called dolphins, right? Also, nice accent. No really, it's making me nostalgic for Crystal Waters and Orange Julius. I do commend Diana, though for knowing the difference between "Sunday" and "sundae".

You get the feeling that few girls would have.

Oh, and speaking of hoops...

 

Do you get the feeling that Whitney was digging in her (how can I put it?) box-and-chaser, because she was excited over the prospect of playing some b-ball with Diana? No wonder Diana thinks all the skinny models are "straight."

4. How great was it that during the makeover-crying-through-the-years montage, we got to see Brandy again?

Not crying, just being stank. I love her. I hope that wherever she is, she's happy, and regularly telling herself jokes to make herself laugh.

5. Oh, and I guess I should touch on the incident regarding Jael's friend. I don't want to say too much because I think that, regardless of how much more the situation made sense to me than Jael considering, you know, her speech pattern and general sluggishness, that's neither here nor there. It sucks and it's sad. Though I did think it was fake at first when she was like, "Oh my god!"

Again, I think: porno.

And I thought it was weird that she dedicated her picture to her friend. You can do that now? Does that mean I can start dedicating these recaps? If so, I dedicate this to my guinea pig, Gizmo, who died when I was in third grade. Gizmo, one time you bit me so hard, you drew blood. This one goes out to you.

Not to trivialize Jael's grief or anything.

Also, did you know that Jael's a "rocker"?

Do you think that that's a reference to her occasional resemblance to Kim and/or Kelly Deal?

6. Why was Brittany painted yellow...

...only to be Photoshopped into her normal skin tone in her final shot?

Anyone? Anyone?

While you're drumming up answers, let's take a break and head into this week's Pretty Party. It's an all-Sarah edition, y'all!

But it doesn't get any hotter than this:

Here, let me help you try to make sense of it:

That ends this week's Pretty Party.

7. Sarah's cartoon snake tongue, btw, has nothing on Natasha's real tongue:

Just when you thought Tyra groping herself was as titallating as it was going to get, Natasha had to bust out the tongue. She could star in Fuck My Tear Ducts 23, too, except she's probably be all confused at first and think her role would require her to quack.

Like, seriously...

...I can totally see how guys would want to bang her. It would be so fascinating! Who wouldn't, really?

8. And speaking of fucking with Natasha...

...isn't making her read the Tyra Mail basically engaging in a game of Smear the ESL?

9. How much do you want to bet that Cassandra's alleged spiritual guidance mainly amounted to crystal around Jael's neck?

I love that she's wearing a crystal. It's what gives her strength.

10. Jay says, "Ice cream just happens to be one of Tyra and my favorite treats."

OMG, you guys! Me too! You know what else I like? Pizza! Soooooo out there, I know. Hey, you know what else is awesome? Sex. No, really, it feels good. I know, I know. You don't hear much about people enjoying it or anything, but you should try it if you're into ice cream. Your taste is so distinct that it's bound to be a match!

11. And about sex, I kinda wanna do Neeko.

12. I also kind of want to bludgeon Twiggy for saying, once again, "The camera [absolutely] loves you!" OMG, pick a new generic compliment to spout! You know, just for that, I'm busting out the Bug-O-Meter this week:

Twiggles, you're on thin ice. Vary the vocab or face this kind of weekly mockery. And after I accepted you into my world and everything! For shame, Twiggaywad.

13. On the bathroom of the East Village gay bar Phoenix, someone wrote, "Beyoncé shops at Strawberry." If that were true, this is what it would look like:

14. I want to leave you with a factoid from a reader who worked on the first few seasons of ANTM. I have no way of verifying if it's true, and wouldn't want to, if I could, but apparently, Miss J has "giant hairy ashy balls": "I was standing in front of him testing [something that might give away this person's identity]. He said something to me so I turned around and while he was talking he just lifted up the weird skirt/mumu he was wearing and starting scratching his hairy ashy balls. Now every time I see him I think ­AH! HAIRY ASHY BALLS!"

Think of that while you're trying to sleep tonight.

Comments

[paige]

Awesome Rich!! You make the wait til Mondays SO LONG!!!

I didn't notice the yellow thing until you pointed it out, but that's so funny!

[ANTMaddict]

Another hilarious re-cap. Great way to start my morning.

[Claudea]

first... Hee nice recap.
-I'm now haunted by the mental image of Ms Jay's balls.
-I agree with the porno comment but I overall though all the shooting looked porno-ish.
-I don't agree with Brittany's makeover. I though that she looked great. Oh well, maybe it's because I have the same haircut/color. Duh!! lol
-Btw, I think the "camera loooooveeees felicia!!!" ;)
:)

[JAMMER]

OOOOOH LAWD.
thanks as always for the memories. especially of miss jay's ashy balls. i SHOULDA known from the look of his ankles and kneecaps in seasons past.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

During last week's episode, two people asked me (separately, and during different scenes) whether Jaslene is deaf, upon hearing her speak for the first time.

And now i'm thinking, well, maybe she is. I mean, that would be just like Tyra could keep something like that under wraps until the 3-weeks-to-the-finale big reveal.

[allie]

I'm pretty sure Cassandra said "I'm still fierce!" as she was packing to leave. Fiercewatch 2K7!

Was it covered before or not that Tyra is constantly hiding her weave behind do-rags this season? Any insight Rich? Brilliant commentary as always!

[yo]

Rubber poop..hee hee hee...

[Hadley]

I think you're swell.

Rubber poo.....blood-red baboon butt....Twiggaywad....I love brownies...god damn it that was good stuff.

Twiggaywad - HA!!

But seriously now, where is Dionne????

[La Femme Nikita]

So, am I the only one who saw Natascha post-makeover and thought Season One 90210 Brenda Walsh/Shannen Doherty? Rich, I think you missed a real opportunity there... We need a side-by-side.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

erm, my comment above makes [i]slightly[/i] more sense if you replace "could" with "to"

Tyra gets cheap lace front wigs that wont stay glued down. That's why she's always hiding them underneath those doo-rags. And got the nerve to talk about Cassandra's sew in wig! Tyrade better get better glue for her lace fronts before talking about anyone else!

[Claudea]

Oh well not first then :'( hehe

-I though that Jaslene looked especially trannyish this episode.
-True about Clay Aken's similarity with Sarah. Weird because as much as she annoyes me, she also facinates me. I love her cartooness -a feature that was accentuated with the brown-colored die. I kept wondering why she seemed so familiar. 1)she poses like a character from a manga (japanese comic). Although, if she wanted to do really bad, she could do like this (random googled photo):
http://nyozeka11.skyblog.com/pics/391684759_small.jpg
2)And then I remembered a bad french comic that I read a few years ago (which I keep only because it's so bad):
http://www.amazon.fr/4x4-1-premi%C3%A8re-rencontre/dp/220504527X

So there you go...

[Penny Woods]

I know this sounds generic, but the weekly Pretty Parties are brilliant! I don't know what else to say about them.

[kiloran47]

Here's the plan: Once Natasha, Jael and Renee get kicked off this farce and have to go back to their miserable lives, you approach them with an offer to star in your directing debut "Fuck my tear ducts (hard!!)"
In the DVD version, Natasha adds a Russian voice-over and Renee tells us how she did it all for her son. And as a bonus Tyra shows us what they should have done differently ("Porn but make it fashion!")!!

[Victoria`]

I am loving Jaslene. Now with her makeover she seemed to not look soooo super skinny/tranny but more light and sweet like Penelope Cruz. I bet she really is deaf and there will be some dramatic reveal of her struggle later on but she wants to keep it a secret. Maybe she has a cochlear implant so she can hear and you don't see it but didn't have it as a kid, thus she learned to speak while still deaf.

HATE Renae, serious she is a dude because I don't know any chicks who want to kick that much ass or blatently say they want to punch another girl in the face that often and for no reason. I seriously hope her breakdown next week gets her kicked off. Plus her hair looks awful and makes her look a lot like a man. She is probably post partum and needs serious counseling. Maybe Tyra will find out and send her to rehab since she is such a "mama" to the girls.

Natasha is totally a disco diva, I guess that is why I am so drawn to her. I love her.

THanks again Rich!!!

[Toothy Tile]

1) The Clay Aiken comparison is brilliant.

2) I'm 100% Team Jaslene now. She's FIERCE.

I think there was another FIERCE uttered during the judges' deliberation ("the judges will now deliberate!") when everyone was hating on Whitney. Tyra said something along the lines of "Whitney is FIIIIEEEEERCE and ya'll are just jealous"
-Another Fierce 2k7 watcher

[philippe]

Natasha post-makeover totally reminded me of Dannii Minogue! http://www.musik-base.de/images/groups/Dannii-Minogue.jpg I had trouble finding a pic of her with bangs, this is the best I could find.

But I think you hit the nail on the head with Sabrina Salerno...since after watching her video I am convinced Dannii is her clone.

[Marnie]

My favorite Tyraism (if you could call it that) was when Jael was crying at panel and told Tyra it was because her friend died. Tyra responded with "It's okay. That is the ONE time it's okay to NOT be a model."

Loves it.

[Boston Jason]

Thanks Rich! My Monday is complete! The Gayken to Sarah makeover was my favorite part!

[cindy]

LOVE IT AS USUAl Rich!

i totally laughed at Jael's "OH NO!" too - if it weren't so tragic of course. She sounds stoned all the time. Tyra was right to get this girl into the house just to save her from herself!

[Law Diva 1908]

Brittany's hair is ridiculous, but I just wanted to comment on "the earrings you were are called Dolphins, right?" that way my favorite comment even though I'm sure everyone didn't get it - genuis!

[Jess]

"Is it tasteless to call this 'blubbering,' since she's a plus-size and all?"

BRILLIANT. Coffee darn near made its way out my nose just now. <3

[Mikoroni]

Why didn't we get more information on the details of Jael's friend's overdose? Was it heroin?? This would have been a perfect opportunity for Tyra to educate the girls on the dangers of drug abuse in the modeling industry!

I thought the funniest thing by far this episode was Natasha's attempt to put on her own makeup during the Covergirl challenge, and the woman's remark of "I don't know if I would have gone with such a strong lip..." LOL