I have nothing to say about Cassandra's departure (I mean, do you other than, "Bout time!"?). But I do have a question...
Who wore it best?
I'm gonna try to keep the crying-count commentary engaging, but it'll be difficult seeing as two girls account for 10 out of the 12 instances. I hate them as much as I love them.
Jael is crying because after sitting through 8 hours of weave-getting, it has to be taken out. I've never had a weave (yet!), but this would seem plenty sucky. Plus, she's a roll-with-the-punches kinda chick, so I kinda think that this reason for makeover crying is more valid than most. So I'm not so concerned with her motivation, but how it is depicted. Because seriously...
...with those angles and lighting, this looks like a porno.
Fuck My Tear Ducts 23?
For real: Jael is glistening and it's making me uncomfortable.
Her weave hurts. Awww she looks so...awkward when she's uncomfortable.
Too sad to mock.
"Smart Water doesn't actually make you smart?" Deception hurts everyone
She filled that pool herself. (With pee.)
Awww, don't cry. Here, I'll make you feel better: You look just like Kirstie Alley in Look Who's Talking, Too. It's a compliment!
Whitney says: "Jael to the no!"
Her friend is still dead.
This was amazing. During the final two, uh, ceremony, Whitney knew that Cassandra, apparently the house's spiritual center, was most likely going home. They cut to Whitney three times and each time, she looked more over-the-top than the last.
That led to this awesomeness:
Is it tasteless to call this "blubbering," since she's a plus-size and all?
Big girls need big personalities, Diana. You must be jolly, damn it. LEARN FROM TOCARRA'S MISTAKES.
But how will she get her holy water of Fatima now that Cassandra's leaving?
I can't really tell if Brittany was crying for sure, but I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt.
And now, with that hammy makeover-drama mini-sketch that Tyra did, it's fair to say that she's totally back to suppressing nothing.
That's OK with me, actually, for it produced an explosion of Tyraisms this week. That said, I really wish that Jay had better aim and a more vindictive disposition.
Tyraism of the Week No. 1
This one isn't a verbal -ism, but a physical one. Every time Tyra tells the girls about their impending makeovers, she does this weird fluttery motion with her hands at least once. This episode, she did it half a dozen times.
Here she is telling Jael that her hair will be long:
And here, the motion means "thick and curly" and/or "wavy, big beautiful afro" (about Cassandra's makeover):
Here, regarding Whitney, it means, "a lot of beautiful hair":
Here, it means Jaslene will be endowed with "thick, bodied, flowy" locks:
Here, Tyra's using the motion to tell Brittany she'll have "long, wavy, read, big and bushy" hair:
And here, it means blonde:
Nonsense! So maybe it's more a tic than a Tyraism. Hmm.
[To Jael] "A lot of the times, I can't recognize your ethnicity, that you do have African American in you. But in this photo, we're seeing your ethnicity, which is good, to be able to play up different things." The photo in question is this one:
So, that would make Jael's ethnicity, what? Raspberry? Is she descended from cotton candy? Was she born of blood-red baboon butt, and has yet to take a bath?
[On Whitney's photo] "The uncomfortableness that everybody's feeling is in your face. If you would have done the stiff thing and went like this...
...it woulda changed it. Instead of...."
Call me crazy, but I think that she's right and that this is useful information. I guess it goes to show that she can't be wrong all of the time!
"Oh, you doin' the black-girl pat. Yeah, that's what you do when your hair weave itches [built-in laugh track aka the ANTM contestants]."
"That's beautiful! Culture is beautiful! I don't sit up here and go, 'That was a great shot.' I'm like, 'Girl, you better work it,' duhduhduh, 'You look a little hoochie.' That's my culture. So it's important to, like, bring that!"
I don't even know where to start and I'm not sure that I have to. I will say that besides Tyra's examples of talking like "her culture," this whole rant is delivered in the bubbly intonation of, like, a Cali-bred mall rat. Chick-Fil-A and Bag Barn are beautiful!
"[It's] not America's Next Top Hip-Hop, Booty Shakin' Star."
Not that I mind the bubbliness -- I thought Tyra was charming this episode, especially with this quote. You get the feeling that she didn't cry for two hours the day before she shot it, you know? Also, she's right: this isn't ANTHHBSS, but I would totally watch that. Oh wait, I kind of already am.
Also, I noticed that for the third straight episode, Tyra launched into the, "So who goes home. The girl who X or the girl who Y" spiel. What used to be a regular is becoming a staple. Wow. Sometimes I fascinate myself.
Also, I didn't hear anyone say "fierce" this episode. Hmmm, could that be because of the state of the makeovers? (I am stupid and cannot follow everything I set out to. Stop reading now. Do you really want to read the musings of a failure?)
1. I'm not going to go through all of them. Or even most of them. I thought they were mostly unflattering for a group of girls who need all the help they can get. For the absolute worst, I nominate:
Seriously, I think the thought process was, "Nothing says 'really red' like raggedy!"
That is some, Ani DiFranco, my-armpits-smell-like-and-are-just-as-hairy-as-my-vagina type shit.
I mean, Jesus! I'm no beauty expert, but I came up with four alternatives to this makeover that would have been much more flattering:
Seriously! God, even Jael's I'm-either-gonna-smoke-this-or-put-it-on-my-head approach to tinsel would have been better than the fucking used mop they wove into Brittany's head.
I like that Jaslene said that she felt like getting rid of a lot of her hair was getting rid of a lot of "anger, resentment."
As she resembles "Half Breed"-era Cher in her post-makeover photo, is it fair to assume that her anger and resentment stemmed from manifest destiny?
Here is the equation for Sarah's post-makeover appearance:
I think that Whitney's bigger hair suits her (and I'm not being mean by saying that!), but in the first shot of her with it in, her hair was so flat that it seriously looked like her weave was still in the pack sitting on her head.
Natasha looks like one of those chicks on one of those ancient-seeming hair-salon poster that exist only to provide examples of what not to get:
Or maybe she looks like an '80s Euro-disco starlet a la this. Much like Jaslene is the perfect name for a freestyle diva, Natasha would suit an Italo disco bitch to a T.
I loved, btw, when Tyra told her she was going "chocolate brown." She rejoiced.
She's all, "I love brownies! When do we eat?"
Finally, Renee's haircut isn't so much soccer mom...
...as it is, aspiring soccer mom.
2. And speaking of Her Royal Trashiness:
I know Renee's a bitch and that she must be very difficult to deal with, but I thought her, "Girls talk about girls," rant rang really true. It might be gross in principle, but in practice, she's right, albiet smacking of Gingerbread Man mentality (she's the alligator, see). You know, Tyra told Norelle in Cycle 3, "Everybody talks about everybody," and she's right. I think that's the wisest thing that Tyra ever said. Anyway, in the whole Renee-Brittany saga, I'm not trying to side with the cunt, especially when I admire Brittany for calling Renee out on her shit.
You know what I don't admire, though? This:
Felicia, exhibiting the blink-and-you'll-miss-it awesomeness that's becoming her trademark responded with, "Nobody's hand is." See, everybody talks about everybody, but few are capable of such cutting wit. I dig Felicia, even if her chicklet teeth leave a something to be desired.
3. Oh yeah, but back to Renee, she's so trashy and occasionally vaguely Southern that she reminds me of about half of my graduating class. I can't believe she's not from New Jersey! But you know whom I can believe is from New Jersey?
First of all, nice hoops. The earrings you wear, they're called dolphins, right? Also, nice accent. No really, it's making me nostalgic for Crystal Waters and Orange Julius. I do commend Diana, though for knowing the difference between "Sunday" and "sundae".
You get the feeling that few girls would have.
Oh, and speaking of hoops...
Do you get the feeling that Whitney was digging in her (how can I put it?) box-and-chaser, because she was excited over the prospect of playing some b-ball with Diana? No wonder Diana thinks all the skinny models are "straight."
4. How great was it that during the makeover-crying-through-the-years montage, we got to see Brandy again?
Not crying, just being stank. I love her. I hope that wherever she is, she's happy, and regularly telling herself jokes to make herself laugh.
5. Oh, and I guess I should touch on the incident regarding Jael's friend. I don't want to say too much because I think that, regardless of how much more the situation made sense to me than Jael considering, you know, her speech pattern and general sluggishness, that's neither here nor there. It sucks and it's sad. Though I did think it was fake at first when she was like, "Oh my god!"
Again, I think: porno.
And I thought it was weird that she dedicated her picture to her friend. You can do that now? Does that mean I can start dedicating these recaps? If so, I dedicate this to my guinea pig, Gizmo, who died when I was in third grade. Gizmo, one time you bit me so hard, you drew blood. This one goes out to you.
Not to trivialize Jael's grief or anything.
Also, did you know that Jael's a "rocker"?
Do you think that that's a reference to her occasional resemblance to Kim and/or Kelly Deal?
6. Why was Brittany painted yellow...
...only to be Photoshopped into her normal skin tone in her final shot?
While you're drumming up answers, let's take a break and head into this week's Pretty Party. It's an all-Sarah edition, y'all!
But it doesn't get any hotter than this:
Here, let me help you try to make sense of it:
That ends this week's Pretty Party.
7. Sarah's cartoon snake tongue, btw, has nothing on Natasha's real tongue:
Just when you thought Tyra groping herself was as titallating as it was going to get, Natasha had to bust out the tongue. She could star in Fuck My Tear Ducts 23, too, except she's probably be all confused at first and think her role would require her to quack.
...I can totally see how guys would want to bang her. It would be so fascinating! Who wouldn't, really?
8. And speaking of fucking with Natasha...
...isn't making her read the Tyra Mail basically engaging in a game of Smear the ESL?
9. How much do you want to bet that Cassandra's alleged spiritual guidance mainly amounted to crystal around Jael's neck?
I love that she's wearing a crystal. It's what gives her strength.
10. Jay says, "Ice cream just happens to be one of Tyra and my favorite treats."
OMG, you guys! Me too! You know what else I like? Pizza! Soooooo out there, I know. Hey, you know what else is awesome? Sex. No, really, it feels good. I know, I know. You don't hear much about people enjoying it or anything, but you should try it if you're into ice cream. Your taste is so distinct that it's bound to be a match!
11. And about sex, I kinda wanna do Neeko.
12. I also kind of want to bludgeon Twiggy for saying, once again, "The camera [absolutely] loves you!" OMG, pick a new generic compliment to spout! You know, just for that, I'm busting out the Bug-O-Meter this week:
Twiggles, you're on thin ice. Vary the vocab or face this kind of weekly mockery. And after I accepted you into my world and everything! For shame, Twiggaywad.
13. On the bathroom of the East Village gay bar Phoenix, someone wrote, "Beyoncé shops at Strawberry." If that were true, this is what it would look like:
14. I want to leave you with a factoid from a reader who worked on the first few seasons of ANTM. I have no way of verifying if it's true, and wouldn't want to, if I could, but apparently, Miss J has "giant hairy ashy balls": "I was standing in front of him testing [something that might give away this person's identity]. He said something to me so I turned around and while he was talking he just lifted up the weird skirt/mumu he was wearing and starting scratching his hairy ashy balls. Now every time I see him I think AH! HAIRY ASHY BALLS!"
Think of that while you're trying to sleep tonight.