Regarding this week's photo shoot, Felicia says: "He's sayin' you have to be dead, yet alive in the face. It's sort of like oxymoron, and I'm thinkin', how are you supposed to do that and be dead?" The show's called America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Logic! See ya!
Whatever. At least Tyra didn't make Felicia put ice on her nipples.
Just when you thought Renee couldn't get trashier, we find her weeping over the fact that she didn't win the $40,000 bracelet she so desperately wanted to pawn. Pawnin' drama!
"Um, Jael? Could you please remove your fingers from Whitney's eyes? We just saw you take them out of your butt."
Poser, poseur or both?
Jael, you had it easy. Yeah, it was insensitive to have you play dead after the loss of your friend (haven't you heard?). But it could have been worse: they could have thrown you in a coffin and made you turn "rage" into "fierce."
I'm starting to think that Brittany will cry during the Bottom 2 procession, regardless of who's in it. It's the music that gets her every time.
She's looking at Tyra as if Tyra just told her, "You sho' is uglay." And, since she was in the Bottom 2, Tyra kinda did say that.
It looks like she's smiling, but that's just because Felicia was too damn cute. On her exit, she said, "I'm glad that they did cry, 'cause I'm like, if these bitches don't cry if I get eliminated, I'm gonna be pissed (laughs). But they did, so it's cool." First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that her delivery is all jokey and seemingly conscious of her sentiment's ridiculousness, only to turn into seriousness. It's like on the final episode of The Comeback, during the premiere party for the reality show, when Valerie gets all finger-shaky and faux-scolding when telling everyone that there's no talking while the show is on. After she gets her laugh she says, all straight-faced, "But seriously: save it for the commercials." I guess what I'm really saying is: it's a shame that Felicia never pranced around in a fluorescent pink warm-up suit.
Second of all, having illustrated her grasp on the crying culture of ANTM, I think Felicia may understand this game after all. It kinda sucks to see her go.
47 & 48. Jael and Natasha
These are the crying bitches referred to above.
While the episode was "fierce"-full week (five times, according to my not-at-all-trustworthy count), Tyra otherwise left much to be desired. I only found two Tyraisms.
"Natasha actually has a large head. The bigness of her head gives more for the camera to go (swoosh noise)." I think the bigness of Natasha's head could probably be best explained by her neural frankfurters. Tyra use of the word "bigness" instead of, you know, "size," makes me wonder if she's not packing a few herself. It would explain those giant headbands she's been rocking this cycle.
(And, yeah, I know that "bigness" is a real word, but still.)
"I used to smile like this...
...and I had to learn to, like, get a top lip. You can't smile too hard, your top lip disappears. And I learned!"
I think that whether she's referring to her arms, her weave, her breasts, her m.o., her probable winner of ANTM or her top lip, Tyra's new motto should be: "Preserve your bigness."
And Jael's should be: Preserve your sanity.
1. Because seriously, what's with all the Care Bear staring going on, attempting to cheer her up? Felicia taught her a dance (in vain).
And Renee tried being covertly bitchy (in vain). Seriously, I think Jael must be so desperate for affection that she's willing to let anything (like say, being depicted in a straitjacket) slide. Here's a little recap of that incident.
Equal parts heartwarming and confusing, right? But mostly, it's fabulous!
But you know what really would have made Jael feel better? Hula hooping. Diana is such a bitch for not offering up her earrings.
Missed opportunity, right?
2. Natasha is magic.
She is one of my favorite people ever in the ANTM universe. She makes me happy when skies are gray. She's a positive motivating force within my life. She's a cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise.
Seriously, every moment she's on screen is a moment of pure joy. For that reason, I've assembled a clips reel of most of Natasha's screen time this episode. This is the only way to cover her that would do her any justice:
I wonder if that's her American laugh, and if so, I wonder if it was inspired by Chrissy from Three's Company. Also, I know it's supposed to be a bad thing, but the way she says, "It feelin' like niddles goin' through my body from my skin," makes that condition sound so damn appealing, I wish someone would pour water on me and/or agree to import me to their country.
Let's check in with Dionne to see her take on this:
3. How awesome was this?
I think I felt the universe fold when I realized that the exaggerated world of ANTM had hired an instructor whose very trade is to exaggerate the modeling world, albeit, in a totally different way. That's like hiring Mr. Mxyzptlk to teach the citizens of Bizarro World about Earth etiquette. How is anyone supposed to get anything done? Not that I mind watching or listening to Benny Ninja
Strange but true: if his foot were on a kitchen counter instead of dangling in the air, that position would be certifiably pornographic.
What's awesome about Benny's appearance is that all cycle long, Potes @ Television Without Pity has been referencing Paris Is Burning in her recaps. The inclusion of a member of the House of Ninja is just too perfect. I wonder if Potes is actually Tyra, except instead of a bushy-ass weave, she's wearing a thinking cap? Also, I wonder if this is an acknowledgment of the strong tranny factor of the current cycle. Hmmm. Summer thinks Benny should replace Miss J. That's really not a bad idea, though I wonder if Benny would get cloying, what with that A for effort that he gave the slink-less Renee. I get the feeling that he rules the House of Ninja with a soft hand.
Still, for now, I love him.
I love him so much, I want to give him a wee hat.
To that, Dionne says...
Just as I suspected.
4. Also something I suspected: Jaslene proved that she didn't need any instruction in voguing.
Finally, that possible penis comes in handy!
5. And speaking of Jaslene and penises, I'm dusting off the Blowjobface of the Week Award and bestowing it to her:
Unfortunately, Jaslene also earns the Hurty Pee-Pee Face of the Week Award, too.
Girl, learn to hide them teeth.
5. And while we're on the subject of all that, here's what Clay Aiken looks like when he brushes his teeth:
He brushes away his gag reflex. The turtleneck may or may not help with that.
Meanwhile, Jael tried the same thing with a decidedly different appliance:
I mean, right? She couldn't possibly have tried to curl the half-inch of fuzz that's on top of her head. I love, though, how it ultimately made her look like a Misfit. Kinda hot, really. Sizzling, even.
The appearance of Sarah's occasional butch-and-living-with-cats alter ego and Jael's facial wound could mean only one thing: it's time for this week's Pretty Party!
Because, if we can't have vagina arms this cycle, at least we can have vagina chest.
This concludes this week's pretty party...
6. ...except, not really because on this:
...Twiggy says, "When she smiles and wrinkles up her face, I find that disturbing. I don't like that." There's something about how candid she is about something so absurd ("disturbing?!?!") that just made me fall in love with Twiggy this week. I wish she pulled more out like this more often. Anyway, for that reason, Twiggy gets the highest honor she can this week:
I'm all about the awards today. I give you, cherished reader, the award for Most Effective Scrolling Finger. Or Largest Penis. Depending on where you are, and what you do for a living, those honors could be one in the same.
Anyway, I'm tempted to take Twiggy a notch down immediately because of that damn headband. Who does she think she is, Tyra? Or maybe, Tyra is making her do that in some megalomaniac, sadistic scheme ("some...scheme" meaning "the guiding force of this show since it began"). Don't be surprised if Twiggy shows up like this to panel in a few weeks:
And, since Jaslene apparently thinks that headband = personality...
...(she learned by watching Tyra), don't be surprised if she progresses, as well:
Shit, don't be surprised if Nigel starts rocking it...
The Tiny Tim effect is fieeeeeerce, y'all.
Not to be outdone, don't be surprised if Tyra shows up to judging in a few weeks rocking my very favorite hairdo from the "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" video.
And yes, I realize that the only thing that could make having a favorite hairdo from the "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" video more gay is doing so with a butt plug inserted. But seriously, Tyra was channeling Whitney circa '87 like a drag queen in a coma this week. Look:
Yeah, we know, Dionne. We know.
7. Speaking of hair...
You know it's bad when emulating the hairless Edie Beale qualifies as an upgrade.
I told you it sucked. I bet you they rip it out within two weeks. That is, if Renee doesn't get to it first. For you see...
At least we know that she isn't a total sociopath and is able to differentiate right from wrong (or, in this case, appropriate from bitchy). Things are getting better for Renee!
8. This has nothing to do with anything, but, remember that Sabrina video I linked to last week to illustrate Natasha's Eurodisco potential? That was a "live" performance, but the actual video is worth checking out. It's a pool-side type of deal (it actually looks exactly like an episode of Dance Party USA), and the best part is that Sabrina spends maybe the first minute of the video with her areolas peaking out from the top of her bikini (apparently, they like looking at boys, too). The video cuts away to another scene, and then when we return to Sabrina, it's a tight shot of her pulling up her suit, as though it's a plot point that needed resolution. Seriously did they only have three and a half minutes to shoot this thing? And if not, I'm dying to see the outtakes. Anyway, watch if you dare:
If modeling is acting like a hoe but making it fashion, I think Sabrina is still stuck on the hoe part.
9. I didn't even really talk about that stupid photo shoot, but really, it's because Felicia did such a good job at the start of the post. I also think that J had a great point when he said that they never critique the girls on "how they're actually making the clothing look." Yeah! He's totally right! What's up with that? And what's up with J being the panel member who gets this week's token lucid moment. Since when is he allowed to make sense? And not just ANTM sense, but, like, sense sense?!?
All together now:
10. Here's an outtake from that scary Jael-on-Whitney display in the crying count:
It's as though Jael is saying, "If you pull your eyes apart, you get that chic, dolphin look."
Blowholes are fieeeeeeerce, y'all.
11. A few more reasons to miss Felicia:
She can tell fierce from not fierce.
She has a tongue ring. Combined with her slight androgyny (imagine her with shorter hair, and you'll totally see a cute, femmy twink), it's hot.
12. Natasha says...
"Go bye bye!"