Hoop dreams dashed

Ousting a plus-size girl is almost like shooting fish in a barrel. A really, really big fish with eyes that are popping out as if to say, "Whoa, with all the lipids and cholesterol and whatnot swimmin' up in this here body, it's gettin' kinda hectic!"

More accurately, ousting a plus-size girl is even more like shooting tuna in a giant hoop earring.

To quote the immeasurably brilliant Fudge: Eat it or wear it! Eat it or wear it!

You know, I think my ANTM posts are just going to get increasingly incoherent and nonsensical so that one day, the text accompanying the screenshots will just read, "adflksdfslkfdjd FIERCE aldkfadsjlfasfkl VAGINA dflaksfdlkfdsjklfs TEARDROPS dafljadsfddslkfdsjlf CAN IT, TWIGSTEIN sljkfdljkd TRANNY HIPPOPOTAMUS aflkasdfjlkejsobiubi!!!!" I'm tempted to start that right now...

...but I won't.

49. Natasha

Natasha has a child that she may or may not enjoy having phone sex with.

50. Natasha

Natasha has a husband that she most certainly enjoys having phone sex with. Not here, however. Here, she cries because the other girls are talking shit about her. I don't know what is sadder: that the house has ganged up on my sweet, gentle, bizarre Natasha or that it took three (or maybe five or maybe six, depending on whom you ask) weeks for the girls (a Dartmouth student among them!) to figure out that sweet, gentle, bizarre Natasha is a mail-order bride! In a profession in which intellect runs on slow motion, these girls are in reverse.

Anyway, Natasha frets over the shit-talking and then something wonderful happens...

...snot!

That's how you can tell she really means it.

True. However, if everybody would pick your nose, you would be set.

51. Diana

The caterpillars above her eyes have started to feed.

52. Whitney

I love that perfect tear sitting on her face and not moving. It's so poetic. It says: I'm a girl who's scared sometimes, who isn't always strong. Can't you see the hurt in me? I feel so all alone. I wanna run to you...

53. Whitney

...hooo hoooo! I wanna runnnnn to you, hooo hoooo uh hoooo. Won't you hold me in your arms? And keep me safe from harm? I wanna run to you, hooooooo uh hoooo. But if I come to you hoo-hoo-ha-hoo. Tell me, will you stay, or will you run away?

54. Diana

The answer, of course, is that she'll run away because she just got eliminated!

Ah, good old Whitney/Whitney gags. Never gets old. At least, I hope it doesn't.

Anyway.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"And the drag queens learn how to be women from me!"

That's cute and all, but nowhere near as self-aware as it needs to be. Don't pat yourself on the back too hard, RuRu TyTy.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"It's important to have the passion for fashion."

I swear that she's said this exact phrase before, but I can't find it if I ever talked about it on this blog. Regardless: it's true because it rhymes.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"It just goes to show that winning those challenges does mean something."

First of all, winning this challenge meant something, but that's only because it's one of maybe, like, three in the history of the show (ANTM history!) with a prize that directly affected the photo shoot. Otherwise, I guess it's fair enough that she'd attempt to convince the girls that this is true. They'd probably believe anything, anyway. After the mail-order bride thing, it's pretty clear that we aren't watching The New Scooby Doo Mysteries or anything that swift.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"I have wanted to have two full-figured models a part of this competition for cycles and cycles. And we found two very, very strong girls and my dream came true."

Tyra's version of "I Have a Dream" is about Tyra. Go figure.

But really, I'm glad they kicked Diana off. She was pretty and all, but she wasn't doing that well in the competition. I think it at least gives a little bit of a better indication that this whole thing isn't totally masterminded in advance. It is, after all, the year of the Fat Ass, and I figured that Diana would make it far on junk-in-the-trunk factor alone. As much as I'll miss her gigantic earrings, I don't mind seeing her go.

Also, and I really paid attention this time: NOT ONE "fierce." Prove me wrong, motherfuckers.

1. I can't really capture the joy that was Natasha's photo shoot. Maybe I was wrong about her being a positive motivating force within my life. I'm seriously at a loss. The only way to adequtely cover it is just to present it again:

(Download)

You may want to hear her say, "What it do, shawty" again. And again. And again. If so, here you go. Also, in that, I think she's hot as hell as a dude. It's not that she makes a good-looking guy, even. It's total swagger that's fueling her hot-guy-ness. Amazing. I want to gay marry her.

Oh, and since, when you name something, you can spell it as wrong or as right as you want, I hearby dub Natasha's dudical alter ego, Masca-Lynne. I've just been dying to misspell something!

2. And about that phone call...

Look at where her hand is. Scandal! Also, I love that she asks, "Do you remember me? Everything?" Basically, she's asking, "Do you remember my vagina?" That is such a weird question. And really, what's he gonna say? "Uh, kinda"?

Anyway, in celebration of Natasha's telephonic naughtiness, I've created an ad for her services. I did something very similar with Uli from Project Runway, but I think it applies even more here. And fuck Project Runway, you know?

Call it and you'll hear such hits as, "Would you be gentle to me?" and various cat noises. Natasha is exactly like a freak in heat.

3. Finally, to close out the Natasha trilogy, I thought that editing was unfair to her regarding her comment about defending busted-ass clothes: "All the girls say they like their outfits, just because being a model, you should always like the clothing they put on you."

You know what Natasha likes to do? Absorb information and apply it. You know where she absorbed this information from? This show! I don't know if Natasha is smart (it would seem that she isn't stupid, maybe even on par with Scooby) but between this and all the "studying" she did between this week and last, she's an A-student in the ANTM universe. A teacher's pet (...with sexy results!) even.

Like:

 

Seriously: Natasha was the voice of reason in more than one situation this episode. Whoever would have thought? Let's check in with Dionne for her reaction:

"I was shocked as hell!"

4. And speaking of Dionne...

I love that she got it together, finally. I really think she's gorgeous, but then, I always did. I always loved Natasha, too. Please allow me to gloat for this brief moment. With the games this show plays on your heart, I'm sure they'll both be booted next week in some ranting-and-raving double elimination.

I liked Dionne's picture, although I'm pretty sure that there was a visible booger in it:

Something! Also, she looks like Chris Rock.

And speaking of Dionne's nostrils, I nominate them for their own spin-off:

They are wildly entertaining and subtly expressive. That's something the CW is sorely lacking.

(Also her "Mmmm. Sarah and Renee" comment cracked my shit up.)

So Dionne is hilarious and on the comeback trail, boogers and all. Let's go to the girl herself for a comment on her upgrade:

"Oh snap!"

5. Jaslene is such a weirdo.

In this shot, she looks like a ventriloquist's dummy with Dione's hand up her ass. Allow me to help you visualize:

Also, I loved when, during her pre-photo shoot transformation, she said, "I'll be all man today!" As opposed to what she is on most days: half-man, half styling spritz.

For a change, let's check in with Diana to see what she thinks about that:

"Ha ho ho ho...my gah!"

You'll be "My gah"ing, too at this, the week's Pretty Party!

 

When I look at the last one, all I can think of is Margaret Cho's mother. That ends this week's Pretty Party.

6. Although the following certainly could have been a part of it:

I'm not trying to be mean (well, at least, not especially mean), but is there something wrong with Sarah? Does she have some kind of neurological disorder?

Is that a tic? I'm genuinely curious.

Furthermore, why is she always excitedly falling to pieces?

Also, I thought it was weird that her panties got all creamy about the heavily Botoxed Elite lady (whatever her name is), as it would seem that she, at one point, was signed with Elite. Curious!

But you know, Sarah's either been the beneficiary of flattering editing or she's learned quickly and turned down her know-it-all ways majorly. I can't hate her for that. I can just be sort of confused by her contortions.

7. And speaking of confusing...

...sometimes I'm so happy that this country is as conservative as it is. Thank god for censorship!

8. I alluded it to it above, but here's that poster that Jael made:

Just take it in and then move on.

9. This...

...is so hot. Especially if your name is Mandee.

Tyra's response, her guitar song and the accompanying movement...

...reminded me of the Country Bear Jamboree. But not in a fat way or anything.

10. I, like Nigel, (who was particularly queer this week), thought the photo shoot was kinda hot, ridiculous as it was. Some of the girls were fuckable, from my perspective. And so, I would do the following if...

...we could do it in a pile of raked leaves.

...there was enough acid and patchouli around so that it would all seem like one big, smelly dream after.

...she kept the toothpick in.

...she didn't try talking to me about bisexuality.

...she promised to be gentle to me. You know what they say about enormous eyebrows.

...if nothing. No matter what. That is straight hotness. All man, indeed.

Ditto, really. What was that about drag queens, again?

11. This is Twiggy's nightmare:

12. Natasha says...

..."Peace out."

Comments

[willl]

rich you rock!

I was glad Diana was sent home.. it definitely was time. Hopefully Whitney will be gone next week

[moss]

whatever! I love me some whitney!

Hey you didn't mention Twiggy's wierd outburst at deliberations. It was scary and homocidal.

[Saun]

I don't think Natasha will win but I hope she is in the top 3. She is so entertaining.
I just knew you would screen cap Sarah's tic. I rewound it about 5 times when I first saw it and I was in tears. I wonder why they haven't mentioned that she was already signed to Elite.

[Jess]

In that last animation of Diana, she looks like one of the evil step-sisters from Disney's Cinderella. So glad to see her gone.

I couldn't stop laughing when the judges were SO amazed at how much Jaslene looked like a man.

....Really? Um. Maybe she looks more fem-nun in person.

[♥dex]

Natasha was thoroughly amusing this episode.

[piss tooth]

I'd buy Natasha for a couple hundred bucks too.

Jasleen = Has peen.

Pickin' off the plus sizers. One down, one to go.

What a terrible crop. Any one of these broads could go at any time.

Nigel notoriously bangs a couple of contestants per season. Who could he possibly be fucking this cycle?

Brittnay is so ugly it hurts my satchel.

That is all.

[LG]

One of the best episodes I've seen of this show. Fell completely and madly in love with Natasha. Thanks for giving me a chance to see her shoot again.

[Rose]

I can't wait til they get rid of Sarah... everytime they show her little rat self,my 7 year old and I cringe!! Love Mondays for the re-caps!! Thanks for the starting my day with a smile!

[Genevieve]

I love that you used the word 'dudical'! I've been using that word since I was eight! It's a mixture of dude and radical! Awesome!

Anyway, go Natasha!

[James Derek Dwyer]

warming to Natasha- but why did they do that to her hair??

[Joe]

Aaaaaand my Monday can officially start. You're right about Natasha - she's clearly watched the show before and LEARNED. The girls think she's some stupid foreigner and this chick is gonna ride that underestimation all the way to the finals, you *watch*. I'm glad all the blah girls are getting weeded out early on, Diana - ugh. Don't bitch about Renee's cuntiness to Whitney - grab your used panties and rub them all over her bed. Has Monique not taught us anything about ANTM confrontation control? Also: Nigel was so fucking queer this week and it made me very, very hot. He seriously needs to bring that shit often. Finally, that Time Out Chicago blog kinda hit the nail on the head, didn't ya think? "The show...(is) essentially career death for anyone who actually wants to work in fashion." Exactly.

[summer]

damn, natasha-as-a-dude did have some swagger, didn't she? made me think she's not as clueless as she puts on. maybe that's just what she wants the competition to think. maybe i'm in to deep and should get a life.

also, this is what was funny for me about tyraism #1, "And the drag queens learn how to be women from me!" Her comment was a followup to the statement, "You learned how to be a man from watching Miss Jay??" The indication is that Miss Jay is feminine to be a masculine example. So would Tyra's comment about herself imply that she's too masculine to be an example of feminity? I don't think that's what she intended to say, but I was innerly amused at the unintentional result.

I know; I will try to get a life as soon as this cycle ends. :)

[yo]

oooooohheeeeee....I love me some russian.

Thank you for the re-cap Rich. I wish you had a tip jar. (do you?)

[Passing Shot]

seriously funny. But no mention of the pit stains half the girls had during the judging? What, snot/nooger references=okay, pit stain references=too crude?

[kk]

RE: "Nigel notoriously bangs a couple of contestants per season. Who could he possibly be fucking this cycle?"
Where did you hear this? I know someone who works with him very closely and he said Nigel has a super hot, super sexy wife who he is super in love with...

Rich, that was an awesome recap, as usual, Hoevere I was surpised you didnt mention Brittany's busted ass weave looking like a brillo pad.... That thing has to go..

[lisalisa]

from these pics of sarah she reminds me of miranda from sex& the city...miranda faking an orgasmh while having sex and miranda on a mechanical bull episodes.

[Mandy]

Your recap was 10x better than last weeks show. The show sucked! I hope Natasha gets her own spin-off, that girl is HIGH-larious!

[Tina]

i wish theyd do something about natashas hair..it looks like a fucking broom

[Tina]

ps. i fucking hate Sarah.

[Christina]

Anyone else notice how Jasleen as a man really really really looked like Michael from La Femme Nikita?

[Jessica]

Oooh I can't believe nobody has mentioned how that little shrew / rat thing Sara totally took all the credit for the outfit that Dionne picked out for her!! I could not believe that. If I saw her in real life I would punch her in the face (ala Renee)

[sami]

you always make my monday's with this. plus it means only 2 more days to new top model. wooohoo. this season is too hilarious.

What it do, shawty.

[marian]

ha! i wanted sarah to go but what's her name was good enough. natasha, dion and renee are the top three and i really hope renee doesn't get it. this season is just so damn good.

and i love natasha! if they get rid of her for any reason i will object.

[trick please]

I never had a favorite before this episode. Now, I'm in love with Natasha and Dionne.

Dionne's country slang is so endearing. And if they had sent her home woulda been pissed especially since Sarah acted like she picked out the damned clothes herself.

Natasha is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna git.