Tic'ed off

Other names considered for the title of this post include: No Moe; The twitch is sacked; A twitch in time saves no one; My favorite Ministry album is Twitch; Clay aches; and, of course: Wholahay.

I mean: Wholahay! Y'know? Fuckin' Wholahay!

55.

How many girls this cycle have kids? Jesus. Episiotomy is the new pink.

56. Dionne

The name "Wholahay" leads Dionne to victory. It's so weird, you might as well cry about it. More on Wholahay in a second (and probably, in every second for the rest of my life).

57. Brittany

She's crying because her weave hurts, not because it's totally hideous. That's weirder than Wholahay, even.

58. Renee

She's been hurt, so she hurts others. Yawn. It's OK to be bitchy, but not boring and bitchy.

59. Sarah

It's so weird that on the brink of her booting, Sarah never looked prettier. It's like her DNA started overachieving then and there.

60. Brittany

Either she's screwing up her face to cry, or Sandra Bernhard is making a cameo. Either way: it counts.

61. Sarah

So much for CoverGirl waterproof mascara!

I bet Tyra slept better knowing that Sarah was a sucky face for her precious sponsor, anyway. Ah, Tyra.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Death happens."

Brilliant. Life sucks. "Death happens." Tyra is a student of T-shirts.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"You know what I think would be best, Renee? Is if you sit right here next to me, and I think the best thing when, like, you're feeling attacked and everybody is against you, is for everybody to go and say how you've hurt them."

"Best thing" as in "best thing for TV," right? Also, if it isn't totally clear that Tyra's goal is to transform Renee into a human target, she immediately followed her philosophizing command with, "All right, so, shoot!" Aim for the heart, y'all! Tyra cares so much...

...about good TV.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"...and we feel like week after week, your photos are pretty, but not a model."

Yeah, the photos aren't a model because they're photos. Learn to empathize with prepositions, Tyra. Feel what "of" feels.

And I suggest that everyone else feel what Wholahay feels.

1.

Pardon me while I get this out of my system. A-hem...

Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay.

Ah, that feels better.

But not entirely. Relive every time the name "Wholahay" was said during the episode via this file. I think it gets funnier every time. It's like Chow Daddy in that respect. Also, Miss J's response to the "Wholahay" thing (at the end of that file), while borderline offensive, is genuis. It made Miss J go way up in my book.

I just love that Dionne is gently twisted enough to think that Wholahay is a reasonable thing to ask people to call you. Besides, there's nothing like patterning your life after a child bride, right? It's like Dionne saw the absurdity of the pick-a-new-name challenge and raised it a "What the hell?!"

Between Dionne's matter-of-fact silliness and and her aesthetic flawlessness...

She's just about the most appealing person on the planet right now. Or maybe just the most appealing person on this show. Sometimes the two feel like the same thing.

But what of Tyra's racial suggestion that Dionne call herself "Brown," instead?

Was Tyra out of line for suggesting Dionne name herself after her skin tone? What say you, Dionne?

"Whatevuh."

2. About that Jael-50 Cent incident (which you can watch again here): Jael was obviously being annoying because Jael's annoying, but what I love about the pool-pushing incident is that it proves that 50 Cent's maturity level is low enough to provide a key plot point for a trash reality show. I don't know if I'm impressed or disgusted that he got into it with Jael and ended up looking like the less classy one.

Although, hee:

Jael was only half-right. Ble-Ble-Ble-Ble-Blew Unit!

And how nice was it that Natasha joined her friend in the pool?

Natasha shivering in that towel reminded me of the scene in the Anna Nicole Show Christmas special, in which Anna Nicole's drunk, toothless, redneck cousin Shelly decides to take a dip in the pool with her clothes on. After she gets out, she walks upstairs with a towel around her, looking somewhat like a Gremlin. She says, "That was fucking cold!" A few beats and then, "...but I did it!" So impressive. And water is fun, right? I think that's why Natasha did what she did: water is fun.

Mostly, I was disappointed that during this entire ordeal, there was no visible areola. Natasha is not living up to the Europop image of Sabrina that I randomly ascribed to her. For shame!

3. And speaking of maturity leading to reality TV plot points...

So simple and juvenile that I don't even need to type anything to recap it!

I kind of love Nicole Richie because I think she's genuinely clever. I know that she most often uses her powers for the forces of evil, but in this case, she was merely a conduit for the evil that was already swirling about. And you know, I like Renee's bitchy streak because I think it looks kinda hot on her, but I hate that she's too big of a pussy to back it up. "Nicole Richie asked me who is the crazy one in the house and I said Jael is the crazy one in the house," Renee lied. I think the ultimate irony is that the answer to Nicole's real question and Nicole's fake question isn't Jael, but Renee: she's the bitch and the crazy one!

She's serving a piping hot platter of...

But you know, as much as she's shunned by the other girls, it's nice to know that at least she seems to be accepted by a Dyke on a bike (hold the bike, for now):

4. Shocker: when Renee was growing up, all of her nicknames were mean nicknames!

Care to guess what kids called her besides "Canoe Feet"? My guesses are: Cuntburger, Dickchin, Inja-Ré, Twatcicle, Labia-Lips and Biley. I'm assuming that this girl has never been called "NeNe" before Tyra decided it was a good idea.

5. How great was this?

Well, actually, not great at all because it means that when anyone points out Jaslene's mannish tendencies, she's already owning them and it just doesn't hit like it should. Damn her endearing self-awareness!

I totally agree with this, though:

I think Jaslene's nickname should be "Janice Dickinside." You know, testicular feminization and whatnot.

Finally, I thought it was mighty interesting that when Jaslene gushed about meeting Benny Medina, the high-pitched sound she used to describe the experience sounded exactly like one of those hearing-test tones. Just saying!

But really, Jaslene's been looking hot and kicking ass. I will not be surprised if she wins this thing.

You know what isn't hot, though? Steel wool. You know the number one source of steel wool on reality TV today? Brittany's hair. For that reason, this week's Pretty Party is an all-Brit-tit-tit-tit-hair edition!

That more or less covers the angles. Brit's hair is so amazing that I can see things in it. It's like clouds made of flaming Brillo.

First of all, this split-second shot...

...was insane. If for no other reason that came before or after, I'm glad I have screen-capturing capability so as to preserve this thing of beauty in time. She looks like She-Ra's side-kick, Kowl.

Or maybe, to stay within the Masters of the Universe universe, she looks like Mantenna.

Similarly, in this shot...

...if you look closely, you can see a duck.

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

6. But speaking of pretty...

BAD idea. From the front, it's not so bad:

But the side shot makes it look like she's serving hot dogs on her chest. Natasha's all, "Give me back my brains!"

But that's OK, I have love for Whitney. I loved her reaction during Jael's confrontation with Renee.

I totally feel her excitement for the drama, because, I, like Tyra, am empathetic.

(This last shot adds nothing to my point. I just felt like posting it.)

7. Unlike Tyra, however, I do not walk around with spider legs stapled to my eyelids.

8. Also, there was something really weird going on at judging -- all of the shots of Tyra were especially tight, as though her breasts were consciously being cropped out. Did she have underboob? Was she serving hot dogs, too? Anyway, the effect of it all was something like:

Which is to say: scary!

9. And speaking of scary:

Aaaaaahhhhh!

Let's check in with Dionne to see what she has to say about Tyra having nicknamer extraordinaire Melrose return for a guest spot:

"What are you thinkin'?"

(It took so much restraint not to Photoshop a basketball spinning on Dionne's finger in the screen shot above. Because really, that'd be nonsensical even for me. Just know that every time I look at it, the Harlem Globetrotters anthem starts playing in my head.)

10. Benny Medina was really endearing this episode, I thought. I don't know if it's that I recently found out that he's gay (which makes sense in retrospect, although he could have just been a breeding doodle dandy) or if it was his use of the phrase "dirty sophistication," but I really enjoyed him.

See, he noticed Sarah's twitchy tendencies, too! And for this wonderful display (on top of the gay thing), I award Benny Medina with the Blowjobface of the Week Award!

First runner up was Natasha.

Astounding head!

One last thing about Benny: doesn't he look like he's in love here?

I'd go as far as to say that I believe he's found Happyness.

11. How much you wanna bet that Natasha's favorite song is Rufus and Chaka Khan's "Tell Me Something Good?"

12. Duckhair says...

"Aflac!" 

Comments

[Jess]

Wonderful recap! I now officially love Monday mornings.

[regine]

You are awesome =) Hilarious recap once again

god this makes my monday.

[me]

am i first?

[Tiffany]

First!

[Ro Ro]

OMG! Kowl! Mantenna! Aflac! Rich you kill me. Best recap ever.

[Erica]

How about Sarah's, "I can't believe we were like, 10 feet away from Twiggy!" as though this was something new.

[Tony]

So I was wondering what was up with Benny Madea not mentioning the pool thing at judging? The commercial for the episode made it sound like that Jael would be eliminated for it!

[memechapelle]

Thank you so much! This day is sooo much better already after reading your recap.

[SarahD]

You know why Sarah looked so much better in the end... she wasn't posed.

Hee.

[Laura]

hahaha, yeah, I thought that it was great of Medina to imitate Sarah's twitching.

did anyone else noticed that Tyra stated TWICE that she edits the photos? I assume that she spends maybe five minutes picking the girls' worst shots (ie, like when she even said that Samantha had sexier shots) and lets other people spend hours changing Brittany's skin color in the ice cream shot from yellow to natural. It's like they just really want the audience to see Tyra's role in the show...okaaay, you're important and do more than host and judge. we get it.

[Leigh]

Honestly: Brown? Isn't that nickname already being used by UPS?

[Freddy Dukes]

Duck hair = comedy. Nice recap.

[Eric]

oh, the woes of a cheap weave

[Toothy Tile]

I choked on my orange juice reading "breeding doodle dandy." I hope you're happy.

As for Britney's hair, all I can think of is a quote from her in the episode to the extent of "My hair was looking a damn MESS!". I'm thinking,"Girl, your hair has been looking a damn mess for several weeks and you're JUST NOW noticing that?"

Jaslene's photo really sucked. Homegirl better step up her game or she'll be 'the girl that started off so strong, but faded later in the competition.'

[cloudy]

I am glad Tyra admitted fault & is going to fix Brittany's hair, but what will they do to it now?!

[Nick]

Brit-t-t-t's sailboat-like hair makes me smile...but not as much as Natasha's "You said not nice things" comment.

I want a little pocket-sized-Natasha to carry around with me at all times. I wonder which store/brothel she was bought from, and whether she's a one-of-a-kind, or if I can get a duplicate...

[AJ]

I LOVE Dionne! She is so quotable and absolutely gorgeous!

"She looks like a pissed off housewife." Ahhhh Twiggy =)

And Tyra changing her name to Brown was so weak. I mean shit, she was wearing a cute top. Why not name her "Blouse"? Or we could be really European and call her "Stiletto". Stupid.

Wholahay was a stroke of genius!

[david]

I can die happy now having just seen a link between Mantenna and ANTM.

That was all I needed in life.

(PS. recognized you at the gym the other day and wanted to say in person how much i love your blog, but was only wearing a towel and decided against it due to awkwardness issues. BUT, i love your blog. there. i said it.)

[shollia]

Lol... great recap.. alot more entertaining than that last episode.
I mean come on.. nicknames??? WHY? Have they just totally run out of ideas?
God that was just really pathetic.

[Pamsey]

Whitney serving hot dogs on her chest - oh Rich, you are a comic genius!

[Lindsay]

Great recap! My fave is still bitchy ice queen Renee, in all her Sharon Stone-esque glory.

[Joe]

I was honestly surprised that when Dionne was describing Wholahay as a child bride tramp who married a 40 yr old, the editors didn't immediately cut to Natasha looking a wee bit uncomfortable. Lost opportunity there, editors!

Brit-tit-tit is totally going to the final 2. They don't invest time and money on people who they want to get rid of (Joanie and Dani's teeth, fer example).

Will Smith, personality-wise, is a self-important dork. Looks-wise, the man is gorgeous. I'd fault Benny for not looking like he's about to bust one in that picture. Seriously!

And Brown?!?!?!? Are you kidding me?

Side note - David, if Rich J has a problem with towel-clad men coming up to him at the gym and telling them they like him than I've completely lost faith in him as human being.

[Natalie]

It really shocks me that you didn't bring up Renee's afwul scarf-hood thing she's got going on. And it's not just the one--she has two!

What is she THINKING? It looks fucking horrible and well, retarded. I don't know why, but it makes me think of elves (the Lord of the Rings type, not the dinky Santa's workship type). There is something wrong with that.

[Kaylyn]

Yea for monday ANTM recaps!

I have to say it...I still love Melrose!