One day, when I've sharpened my video-editing skills and have hundreds of hours to waste, I'll make my own TV Carnage, a sort of audio-video mixtape of idiocy (that's the biggest inspiration for stuff like this and this). Until then, however, the clips I present come in unmixed form. Deal with it!
Below are three clips that I'm currently loving. The first is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. It's from Losing Isaiah and it combines three of my very favorite things: corner stores, crackheads and Domino's 1993 hit "Getto Jam"...with sexy results! Fuck Monster's Ball -- this is the apex of Halle Berry's career thus far.
(Download)
The next comes from the recently aired VH1 special Little Beauties, which chronicles four child beauty pageant contestants (a subject that's obviously near and dear to my heart). Below, a little girl briefly describes one of her burgeoning interests...with really sexy results!
(Download)
Dig the way she shakes her head when she says "boobies." She really means it!
Aleena would undoubtedly adore the final clip, a heavily edited version of the Debbie Does Dallas III trailer. The original can be found on the recently (and awesomely!) released DVD 42nd Street Forever: XXX-Treme Special Edition, which is a compilation of about 50 vintage hardcore porn trailers (most come from the early '80s, the crevice in time between the porno-chic era and the video takeover). I love the absurdity of the very notion of porn trailers! They're about as unnecessary as ribbing on condoms -- people would come either way, you know? It's like the destiny of these things was them to exist only as cultural artifacts. Now's their time to shine!
Anyway, I cut all the hardcore shit out of the clip below, because I'm not trying to get all molesty on you. What's left is some footage of the fuuuuuucked up star of the movie Bambi Woods (who, after DDDIII, either died or went into hiding, depending on whom you ask) and some hilariously deadpan, Southern-fried narration. Watch as Bambi emerges from a lake, soaked and fully clothed. Giggle as she declares that a horse is her best friend (this time, the way she raises her hand when she says this indicates that she really means it). Chortle as she describes her reaction to those who thinks she's a sex expert.
Like I said, there are no hardcore bits in the clip below, but there are boobs, so this is officially NSFW. I don't know how long DailyMotion will allow for it to be up, so watch it now (or, you know, just download the file I uploaded)! It's seriously my favorite piece of pop culture that I've come across in the past week.
(Download)
How did she carry those joints in her pocket without squooshing them and she can't even carry a packet of chips.
Halle looks like Jaslene here.
Posted by: moss | May 11, 2007 at 12:51 PM
"...but I don't know anything!"
Well, there ya go.
Posted by: john | May 11, 2007 at 01:59 PM
All three clips put together are like a first, second and third act of the life of Britney Spears.
FADE UP: I like boobies - the only best friend of a wanton, half-retard slut is an animal - aaaaaand cut to barefoot and high in a bodega. FIN.
But listen, I've stumbled thru corner stores jonesing for Diet Coke and Fritos many a time, so - don't judge, Judy!
Also: Jerry Butler - yum! Reason enough to watch the hard-core version. Trust me. They didn't get beefier, hairier or hornier in the 80's.
P.S. I'm a video editor - I'll hook ya up!
Posted by: Joe | May 11, 2007 at 02:24 PM
so Roseanne Barr used to go by Kim Barington?
Posted by: whatwouldjanicedickinsondo | May 11, 2007 at 06:07 PM
Aleena is my new hero LOL - "I just love boobies" - don't we all, my dear! LOL
As for Bambi Woods - I have only seen the original DDD, never any of the sequels. Now, while I would never have considered her for ANY sort of acting award, I don't remember her being THAT fucked up. She can't even talk! WTF?! LOL
Posted by: jenner | May 11, 2007 at 06:33 PM
It's always a fun surprise when you post something other than ANTM related...which is silly, since you only do that once a week.
These clips were all very 'wtf'.
However, I do appreciate that the mother was decent enough to try and stop her daughter from going on and on about "boobies".
Posted by: BunniePage | May 11, 2007 at 06:34 PM
I LOVE BOOBIES! I have watched that clip over and over again. I think that will be my new mantra...
Posted by: Blair | May 11, 2007 at 07:11 PM
I love old porn.It seems so innocent and clean.
Posted by: Ian | May 11, 2007 at 07:49 PM
"I just love boobies"
That's the truist shit ever.
Posted by: zachretox | May 11, 2007 at 08:08 PM
Ahh, to be a little closeted pageant lesbian again!
Posted by: Lizzy | May 12, 2007 at 12:49 AM
"i'll teach you"
Posted by: dodger | May 12, 2007 at 01:00 AM
porn trailers "...as unnecessary as ribbing on condoms -- people would come either way, you know?"
LOVE it.
Posted by: FoxxyBrown | May 12, 2007 at 02:09 PM
Good christ I love u. The clip of the little girl is best. I must watch the rest of that show, looks whore-lair.
Posted by: Cheryl Merkowski | May 13, 2007 at 07:43 AM
hahaha. Little girl got told. Lesbians are nasty and can never win pageants - they're from the devil
Posted by: hiphopanonnymous | May 14, 2007 at 09:50 AM
Dude - I just found this the other day and I love it. I loved 300 - but this was even more moving to me.
http://mtvmovieawards.yahoo.com/spoofs/300Pounds/111427
Thought you might enjoy, Rich - Xerxes is my favorite part.
Posted by: peelbuhg | May 14, 2007 at 12:00 PM
Aleena would totally be my best friend if she wasn't like, 6. What an awesome kid. Clearly she's been watching her Tyra. Boobies are the new black.
Porn trailers are the bestest. I didn't know there was a Debbie 3 however the first time I ever saw lesbian stuff was in DDD part Deux as a mere 15 year old. Which might be why I identify with Aleena so much.
Posted by: Vanessa | May 14, 2007 at 10:27 PM
I wonder who's boobies Aleena has been touching... hmm? Did you make the Bambi Woods clip for her :-D ?
Posted by: Zanna | May 14, 2007 at 11:02 PM
Is it sad that when I saw Little Beauties I thought of you right of the bat?
Posted by: Katy | May 15, 2007 at 01:38 AM
Ah, she's so "fancy" and "ladylike," emerging from the lake like Mary Poppins with pronounced genitalia!
Posted by: fast_hugs | May 16, 2007 at 08:09 AM
is the debbie does dallas clip a mad tv spoof?
it is so poorly put together which makes it brilliant.
kudos.
Posted by: patrick | May 19, 2007 at 12:41 PM
Rich, you are a genius....and what trips me out more is that you can get old skool porn on Amazon! Who knew!
Posted by: Devon | May 21, 2007 at 09:22 AM
xFpOFq
Posted by: Ndvhkhqv | July 13, 2009 at 06:14 PM
You are such an inspiration to me. I wrote a piece today about writing a book, and I mentioned some great writers on OS, that have taught me so much. You are on top of that list. Thanks You!
Posted by: hot glue guns | November 15, 2011 at 02:52 AM
What a frightening song.
No snow just lots of sunshine! Should be a beautiful Halloween night
Posted by: china booster cable | November 15, 2011 at 02:56 AM
We live near the end of a winding mile-long lane through woods with few other houses. If it weren't raining out right now I'd be included to walk down the lane with pumping in hand to scare the bejeebies out of any kids who dared to be out trick or treating.
Posted by: battery jumper cable | November 15, 2011 at 02:57 AM