Whola...hey, no fair!

This week the only baby animal being consumed is my beloved Dionne. Sorry -- I just can't bring myself to brew up a sassy anecdote or bitchy quip. Plus, you know, I don't want to say anything that could be misconstrued as "mean" and have someone kick me off my own blog or try to tell me that I'm scowling with my words or whatever.

At one point, I thought Dionne was going to win this thing. Well, like her, I'll be damned. For all eternity!

The prediction of last week held: the lack of tit-tit-tit-tears made for a paltry Crying Count.

87. Natasha

I don't even know if Natasha was really crying here, but she seemed at least misty. And really, at this point, after being swathed in shade from all of the other girls (finally, Natasha's pastiness makes sense!), and having almost been eliminated, she should have cried. God, Natasha, what's it going to take? Disfiguration? Having your status as a mother ignored again? Onions? Why won't you cry already?

88. Dionne

Boo-hoo-Wholahay.

And speaking of the ANTM Contestant For Like One Second Known As Brown:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"One thing that I noticed in going through your film, though, is we told you, 'Don't be mean. Don't be mean. Don't be mean.' So I see you going from mean...

...to...

So you have to find a happy medium in there somewhere. I'm not going like this...

...and I'm not going like this...

...but it's a..."

So, obviously, I love the whole facial-contortion, compare-and-contrast Tyraism format. Really, it's classic. But, really, shouldn't this have been clarified, like, last week when they decided all of a sudden to harp on Dionne for looking mean in all her pictures? Tyra's looking alternately like a bird of prey and a dodo excepted, I don't think this advice is so absurd, even. It's just sort of too little too late. Plus, I love how she can't even finish her sentence, opting to show instead of tell. This is because the word of the Lord Tyra is sometimes ineffable.

Also, why haven't they gotten on Jaslene for looking mean?

They're all, "Blah blah blah, same face," but it's the same mean face! From now on, I might call her Jasmean...or perhaps Maude.

I mean, come on.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Guys are just as catty and shady as girls are."

That is such bullshit. She's just saying that because her thighs look like walrus flippers. Suh-nap. Suh-nap. Suh-naaaaaap.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"When I asked, 'Who has the most top model potential?' you're the only one who did not say yourself and that worries the judges."

I thought Dionne had seen this show before, too: YOU ALWAYS SAY "ME" WHEN ASKED WHO HAS THE MOST POTENTIAL. It's a rule right up there with: Don't pose with your mouth open and Smile with your eyes and Be as lezzie as possible and Don't feed Tyra after midnight. It's like so duh-ever.

This week, we're also lucky to have bonus Tyraisms from Renee, who is neck-and-neck with Natasha in the race towards becoming America's Next Top Model's next top informational sponge. It would not surprise me at all, in fact, to find out that Renee's brain is pourous. She's seriously a TyTy puppet.

Reneeism of the Week No. 1

"This teach is all about telling a story. And I really do believe that that's related to modeling. Models are storytellers. Whether it's your own personal story or a story that a designer is trying to get across, we tell stories. They tell through dance, we tell through pictures and runway."

No, Renee, you tell through your ass.

Reneeism of the Week No. 2

"I made it very fashion. So I just went for it and I feel like I got some killer shots."

Tyra says some incarnation of "make it fashion" with increasing frequency. I would love a stand-alone definition of exactly what this means. No obscenity-, I-know-it-when-I-see-it type shit. No Renee-stands-with-her-arms-out-to-turn-a-buhlupuhlah-into-a-seagull-or-is-that-Jesus-Christ type shit, either.

Reneeism of the Week No. 3

"I just hope Natasha doesn't use [her illness] as an excuse, because the judges will eat her alive. There's been plenty of models who have been sick and gone to work and got good photos."

But only one of them has been shiesty enough to devote the second phase of her career into brainwashing girls to spout her platitudes, philosophies and anecdotes. Any model can work through walking pnemonia; only Tyra Banks can do so, and in the process, form a religion around her. Based on that seagull/Jesus pose, Renee's following in her footprints.

1. Continuing Renee's thread, people were so mean to Natasha. I don't know if it was jealousy, like Tyra and Natasha seemed to think it was -- girls on this show are bitchy for sport sometimes. And necessarily so. Let's not kid ourselves: nothing goes better with Wetslicks than some Bitchface blend pressed powder.

Still, I felt bad for the increasingly crestfallen Natasha as, one by one, her competitors said that she had the least amount of potential:

With each passing insult, the size of her lips decreased, like a life meter in this video game called superficiality. But don't feel too bad for her: "It's better to be talked about than be not noticeable," she says. Nothing like a butchered Oscar Wilde quote to restore those lips to full plumpness, eh?

And it's not just Wilde that she's reading...

God knows what Complete Idiot's Guide to... Natasha's cuddling with, but I'm guessing it's either The Complete Idiot's Guide to Great Buns and Thighs (great for maintaining a fit hot-dog mind and body!) or the as-yet-unpublished The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dealing With Jealous Bitches. Because Natasha really handled all of that with amazing poise.

Among the pointers in the book:

Attention is attention is attention.

"Throughout the whole competition, I'm talked about. I'm in every conversation."

"This girls, they are very, very into my behavior. Every move I do, they watch me."

Not that you could blame the girls for being fascinated with Natasha's behavior. I sure am. At this point, I'd agree that "into" is exactly the right word for my relationship to her behavior. Some people are into serial killers; some people are into scary clowns; I'm into Natasha. And she loves it.

Surround yourself with a posse of rugged individuals to make yourself look tougher.

Frankly, I wish that tree woulda kicked Renee's ass. She was insulting its apples for what they ought to be!

Make like Wonder Woman and deflect verbal bullets.

No surprise that Natasha took this one literally. As many children of the '80s, girls and gay boys alike, will have you know: it's too fun not to.

Fight fire with water.

For the complete idiot, Smart Water is in order. It might not make you more intelligent, but hey, it couldn't hurt, right?

Be gracious about criticism.

"And I'm very thankful for the critique that girls just said. I still like them and they're still my friends."

I don't have anything snotty to say about this. I think that this is really the way to be.

And finally, when all else fails, seek solace in electronics.

I don't know why all the girls were freaking out so much over this.

Natasha's behavior is totally explicable. See, look closer, and it's clear that she isn't getting all sexy with some plastic...

...she's snorting ants. What's so weird about that?

2. I don't know if the editors were reading The Complete Idiot's Guide To Conveying Things To Complete Idiots or if they were just putting us on, but I thought this sequence was fucking hilarious:

We're introduced to the Cheech- and/or Chong-esque Uncle Max...

...who, in turn, introduces us...

...who, in turn is all, "Heeeeey..." even though that's what her dress is already suggesting...

...and also, who in turn gets her own caption...

...you know, just in case you didn't catch what happened in the explicitly rendered three previous seconds.

3. And on the subject of being talked to as if your brain is covered with a condom, it was so wonderful of Tyra to provide visuals for what Dionne's ascent should be versus what it is. Compare and contrast:

You know, I know that Dionne isn't as swift as maybe I would have liked her to be (I mean, "this thing called scowling" seemed to be a totally new concept to her), but is she really so stupid that she needs a hand representing a cliche of a bumpy path? Silly Tyra. I punish thee:

4. How awesome were the stories the girls had to tell?

Not that I'm into vague accounts of abuse, or anything, but what a mastermind for sitting on that all cycle and then getting the chance to bust it out now. It's like when waiting to use your Free Spin on Wheel of Fortune actually works out. It's magical.

When Jaslene started her story, "My story is, I once was a young girl who...," I really thought "...had a penis" was coming. And really, after listening to the whole thing, I'm not exactly convinced that that isn't what she was getting at.

If she ended up finding a book during her travels, she'd pretty much have the same life as Björk's character in the "Bachelorette" video. Also, this explains so much about Natasha -- her singular speech pattern isn't so much a product of the Russian-English language divide; she's just Nell.

Double also: I loved her muttering philosophy: "You don't have to be loud. When you speak quiet, everybody's like, 'Huh...?"

Once again proving that it's not what Natasha says, but how she says it. I truly believe that that's the story of her life.

And finally:

"This line represents the line that I walk to represent which way should I go, if it was right or if it was left."

I'm gonna let Dionne comment on herself here because she's far more succinct than I ever could be:

"What the hell is she saying?"

5. I didn't see this coming:

Now that the ruffles are almost all there, Miss J's upper body looks like the head of a penis. Who ever thought that by adding ruffles to his outfit would actually make him look more masculine than ever?

That said, it's time for this week's all-Renee and Tyra Pretty Party!

I just think it's so hot when girls touch themselves.

I really didn't find the whole make-like-aboriginals thing offensive until we were treated to this series of Tyra posing undoubtedly to reflect what "proud" people aboriginals are.

She's holding the boomerang like it's a top hat here:

That singular sensation concludes this week's Pretty Party.

6. I think that this shirt is an answer to Tyra's fucked-up urethra of last week:

It looks like Renee had her period on her chest.

Also my favorite favorite favorite thing that Renee has ever said is that her family is the "fire under [her] butt." That is ingenious -- it's like a trashier version of "Wind Beneath My Wings" (and here you thought that was impossible!). I imagine the song would have a cookout theme and be in the same melody as "Wind." The first verse and chorus would go something like:

It must have been cold there on the cooler
The one with the floating P.B.R.
You dropped your hotdog in the pool
You said it tasted good with pee

So I was the one who watched the baby
While you were the one with all the gas
You held my hand while bugs were zapped
I held the baby and he crapped

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You grill everything I wish I could eat
I can twirl like a roasted piglet
For you are the fire under my butt

7. I love how in this week's My Life as a CoverGirl, some guy said that 192 Doves jeans were so named after the number of countries in the world.

Bullshit. They're named "192" after the number of countries in the world that show Top Model! Duh.

8. You know, I'm not hating or trying to knock anyone who's comfortable with their body (especially if they haven't assumed a career in criticizing others'), but this...

...more than makes up for this cycle being virtually vag-arms free. It might even be enough vag-armness to last us through Cycle 9, as well.

Just keepin' it real!

9. Finally, I can think of no better tribute for Dionne than to recap her memorable quotes from throughout the cycle. She will be sorely missed:

1. What the hell!
2. Oh snap!
3. I was shocked as hell!
4. What are you thinkin'?
5. What ev-uh!
6. You are lying!
7. No way!
8. Hell yeah!
9. Whatever happens happens. I'm gonna take my ass to sleep.
10. Can I keep it? Can I keep it?
11. A t-shirt? A t-shirt? What 'cho gonna do with a t-shirt?
12. Hold up. I'm not no freakin' lesbo.
13. The Cool-Cool Megamix
14. The Wholahay Megamix

She really had an amazing run. I hope that right now, she's playing with her beloved Sassy in Wholaheaven.

Comments

[Jen]

I laughed until I cried. Thank you, Rich.

[j]

Poor Dione! I'm sad to see her go...

[Lisa721]

Awsome as always. I was waiting for vag-arms as well.

[Jen]

I still can't get over the fact that I was "FIRST" ----- holla!

[stellakowalski]

Great recap, Rich, as usual. My fave part of this episode was when Natasha hugged Dionne when Dionne was eliminated and she was stiff as a board. For a sec I thought she was gonna clock her. That would have been ANTM-tastic. Also note-worthy is Tyra's head bob during her "ascent of Dionne" speech. Hilarious. Sarah's tic got nuthin' on that.

[caitlin]

first! this is brilliant, as usual.

[ladybug]

Thanks, Rich. Always making my Mondays!!!

[mebebored]

i was still a bit like wha?! when renee saying "this teach..."
challenge, lesson, anything else.
no "teach"

[Leigh]

You're right about Natasha and the critisism. She took it all like a champ.

[Taja]

I LOVE YOU! I anxiously await your posts every week and you have summed everything up perfectly! I will miss "Brown" because for a moment, I thought she had this on lock but i guess i was wrong! Renee gets on my last nerves and Jaslene is awesome. For some strange reason, I think Natasha may win this! The thought frightens me...a lot!

[Crazy about the girl]

Sorry, Rich, I won't miss Dionne at all. She was very pretty but not exactly a model - none of the other girls are either, but they are just better at faking it. Natasha made it to the top 3 just based on her Natashism. I still think that Renee is awfully fake and a great Top Model for the Crystal Meth Look ("looking old" is the new "omigod, she looks like an used-up junkie!"). I'm not a big fan of Jaslene, but she is very sweet. I cannot wait for this madness to be over...

[Justin]

The Wholahits Album Cover is the funniest thing ever.

[anony]

Thanks for the recap! I look forward to Mondays every week just for this!

[Hateraid]

Bye Bye to our little Brown Wholahay....she will be missed.

[Deege]

Rich, you are a damn fool, and I love it! The Underworld reference is claaaaaasic, but you did me in with the Whitney/Wholahay's Hits. While I was watching, all I could think is, "Rich is gonna have a field day with this mess." And you shonuff did.

[A T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!]

Best Recap ever,, love the chopping off of Tyra's head,, if only Cingular would allow Dionne Ringtones !

[Em]

I think it's not "this teach is," but "this teaches." She's still inarticulate, but...yeah.

[A T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!]

Best Recap ever,, love the chopping off of Tyra's head,, if only Cingular would allow Dionne Ringtones !

[Tony]

You forgot my favorite part of this episode! It also should be on the list of Dionne's most memorable quotes. "I don't wanna do no damn dance!"

[Miss Lisa]

Bea Arthur is fierce.

[Sarah D]

thanks for the greatest hits! Dionne will be missed.

You're right, crazy about the girl, none of 'em are or will ever be models, but that's not why we all tune in every week. It's the madness we love!

[Keisha]

Rich, your "Wholahits" track 2 is the same as track 3. "Oh Snap" comes out "I was shocked as hell!"

All in all, idk if I'll miss her or not since I haven't been watching!

[SoSoAddictive]

Can. Not. Believe. The final 3.
But tell me....why hasn't Tyra ragged on Jaslene and Natasha for "broken English" and thick accents like she did with Danielle??? Neither of those girls could be a "spokesperson" for Cover Girl. I'm so over Tyra. When Nik lost I told myself that I would not watch ANTM again (I know...I'm living in the past) but after this season, I hope that I can keep my word.

But anywholahay....Great job, Rich!

[Victoria]

I thought Dionne was ridiculous for being so mad. She was always blowing off the challanges, especially this one, she even admitted she thought it was dumb and was just going to do whatever as fast as she could and seemed she to have no idea what anyone was ever trying to say to her. "Something called a scowl" Who doesn't know what a scowl is?

GO NATASHA!!!

If they all think she is sooo fake why don't they ask her about her life.
Was it fake when she was crying because she didn't get to see her daughter. Is it fake when she is crying to her husband or having phone sex with him?

Dionne had just gotten done telling Brittany and Renee they were fake.

OK enough rant, sorry!

Great recap as usual.

[Meg]

JE-sus Christ jumping on a trampoline. This is epic. The Wholahay megamix made me laugh until I was in an ocean of my own tears. Thanks for almost drowning me, ass. ;-)