Double Up or shut up?

"I am fascinated by Courtney Love, but the same way I am by someone who's got Tourette's syndrome walking in Central Park," Madonna allegedly said in the '90s, at the height of her sneerfest with the professional widow. She probably ripped the sentiment off someone else (you know how she do), but no matter: it perfectly sums up the way we regard our famous live wires. More to the point: it perfectly sums up the way I (and many people, from what I can tell) regard R. Kelly. R. Kelly reminds me of a dog that I had as a child who was dropped on his head when he was a puppy and, for the rest of his life, did weird shit like eating plastic and pushing himself around with his front legs and chest flat on the floor, like he was into mobile yoga. He also lifted his leg constantly, giving him a shared affinity with Robert Sylvester Kelly for pissing on things.

On Double Up, R. Kelly's crappy eighth album, figurative Tourette's comes close to being real Tourette's as he rants and raves on a track called "Real Talk." Upon Double Up's leak (pun intended because that's the way Robert would want it), "Real Talk" made the blog rounds and was received with the same mass snickering that Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" saga ignited two years ago. "Real Talk" features Robert somewhere between singing and speaking (preaching, really, is what it is) to a woman only he can hear. She apparently accuses him of cheating, based on hearsay from her friends and he goes off: "The next time your ass get horny, go fuck one of your funky-ass friends. Hell, you probably already doing that shit anyway. You gon' burn what? Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfuckin' clothes with your trifilin' ass." At this point, the only difference between a homeless man with piss-pants and Kelly is that the homeless dude's funk is something you smell, while Kelly's funk is something you listen to. But really, that's all.

R. Kelly is seemingly on a crusade of inappropriate public behavior. I'm referring to his music here, although the underage-girl-sex-tape thing is clearly the apex of Kelly's inappropriateness -- I don't think the guy is a pedophile (the difference between someone who's into the pre-pubescent versus someone who's into the post-pubescent is as big as the difference between mosquito bites and silicone), but he's just...wrong. Terribly misguided. Maybe a little brain-damaged. Dropped on his head as a puppy. How else can you explain someone thinking it appropriate to objectify a woman by comparing her to a car (in 1996's "You Remind Me of Something": "You remind me of my Jeep / I wanna ride it / Something like my sound / I wanna pump it...") as a sign of love and then continue to carry out that shtick for the next 11 years?

Is R. Kelly just seeking reward via repetition, cranking out extended metaphor after extended metaphor, or is he aware of his ridiculousness? The question of self-awareness is key in his ability to attract listeners. I say this a lot about camp in pop culture because it's true: the most fascinating camp is that which obscures the line between what is intentionally humorous and unintentionally humorous. Such pop-culture objects inherently engage an internal conversation with whomever sees them (provided that the viewer doesn't dismiss them outright). You can spend a long time pondering Showgirls or Beyond the Valley of the Dolls or Schatar from Charm School or R. Kelly.

This is why I will listen to everything R. Kelly releases until the day I go deaf or he stops making records, whichever comes first.

And this is why Double Up blows: he's getting to the point where his outlandishness is predictable. Now, there are five kinds of R. Kelly songs -- just about everything on Double Up falls into one of the categories:

• The inspiration - Kells' vaguely spiritual, wholly cloying offerings that find him at his most offensive (without even trying!); Hits of this type include: "I Believe I Can Fly" and "World's Greatest; Double Up's offering: "Rise Up," a phoned-in Virgina Tech tribute, in which Robert teaches us that "struggle has no color."
• The banger - Club tracks that prove that no matter how R. Kelly distinguishes himself from his contemporaries, he's capable of standard drivel; Hits of this type: Probably originated with his first single with the Public Announcement, 1992's new-jack "She's Got That Vibe," but really kicked into high gear with 2001's "Fiesta"; Double Up's offerings include: The title track, "Get Dirty" (with Chamillionaire), "Hook It Up" (with Huey) and "Tryin' To Get a Number" (with Nelly), which lyrically comes off as exclamation-point advocacy ("Hey!" "Uh!" and on and on!) but musically plods along like it's on ellipses
• The radio play - High-concept melodrama that's consumed with infidelity; Hits of this type: Originated with "Down Low (Nobody Has To Know)" with the Isley Brothers, but that's far too musical in retrospect -- with "Trapped in the Closet," this format adopted the sing-speak, stream-of-consciousness style of "Real Talk" (explained above); Double Up's offerings include: "Same Girl," in which Kells realizes he and Usher are banging the same Georgia Tech student, and "Best Friend," in which Kells realizes that he and Polow Da Don are both banging Keyshia Cole.
• The metaphor killer - Even higher-concept material that finds Kells choosing a subject to compare sex or a woman to and then (figuratively) masturbating -- he beats off while beating his subject into the ground; Hits of this type: Originated with "You Remind Me of Something," and carried through the original version of "Ignition"; Double Up's offerings include: "The Zoo" ("We're two monkeys, baby"), "Sweet Tooth" ("I can't wait to drink your milk, you're lookin' like like a big old piece of cake") and "Sex Planet" ("Girl, I promise this will be painless, painless / We'll take a trip to planet Uranus, anus")
• The step track - Non-banger, disco-inflected club tracks that pay homage to Kells' Chicago roots that are breezy enough to sound sublime. Hits of this type: His straightforward slow-jam remix of Aaliyah's "At Your Best" was "strictly for the steppers," per his chanting, but it wasn't until 2003's "Step in the Name of Love" that Kelly really honed his own stepping style. One half of a double album (Happy People) fully explored this territory to somewhat dull results. Still, these tracks are about the only sure-bet that Kelly has left, as evident in... Double Up's offering: "Freaky in the Club," an island-breezy feast of gentle percussion that is, without question, Double Up's strongest offering

There's some high-concept miscellany on Double Up that sort of straddles the radio play and the metaphor killer: "Havin' a Baby" shoves 9 months of sore backs and swollen tits into 3 minutes and 34 seconds (such a man thing to do!) that culminates in Kells' hilarious instructions to "Push! Push! Hold my hand! Breathe! You're almost there!" "Leave Your Name" is an extended answering machine message (more phoned-in than "Rise Up," even!): "Leave your name right after the beep and I'm / Sure to get back with you if I'm not asleep or / Blowin' some trees or havin' some sex or / If I'm not faded or makin' a baby." Leave your name if you haven't fallen asleep listening to these instructions, more like. The more high concept, the harder it is to take Kells seriously, obviously, but also: the harder it is to avoid him. Many of the radio-play and metaphor-killer tracks are slow jams that consist of little more than some percussive skittering and sparse, gentle melodies. Basically, his tracks are constructed to stay out of the way of his giant personality. R. Kelly's production choice repeatedly is to emphasize his own voice, which is either a sign of tremendous narcissism (this standard diva practice, really) or that he's in on his own joke. Most likely, it's a little bit of both.

It's amazing what dodging the aforementioned categories does: his remix of "I'mma Flirt" with T.I. and T-Pain is gold because it's not concerned with anything other than being a great pop song. It's almost freaky the way that scaling back yields such dramatic riches. But it's also telling: I think Kelly's main problem, at this point, is that he's too ambitious, too concerned with finding new ways to express old sentiments. There are only so many straightforward ways to say "I love you" or "sex me," and by piling on the metaphors and melodrama, Kelly is doing everything he can to break from R&B's default triteness. But clichés are clichés for a reason (they're useful!), and in turning his back on them, Kelly tends to get tangled in his own syntax. I'll take him basically remaking "Always & Forever" (as he did on Chocolate Factory's "Forever") over having to listen to him brand himself a "sex-asaurus" (as he does on "The Zoo") any day.

Too often, Kelly isn't crafting classics, but immediately expiring punchlines. The thing is that his most outlandish moments ("Closet" excepted) tend to be album tracks that never become singles. And so, if this stuff has to be filler anyway, at least it's fascinating filler, capable of provoking a reaction (even if it's a groan). And at least Kelly, even at his worst, leaves plenty to talk about. Once an entertainer, always an entertainer.

Comments

the man is a genius obviously

[shipbuilding]

Rich, this is a thesis that my friends and I have been discussing for years. When I saw the pic at the top of the post, I knew what was coming. There's a certain camp element that ties us all together.

[Diva Delux]

oh Rich!

i can't believe the timing of this post. My friend just played Real Talk for me the other day and i couldn't stop laughing. The man is either one of the greatest satirical writers of our time or just completely crazy. I like to believe the later, because it's funnier that way!

[John R]

Bravo Rich! I am never ready for the next Kells song - that "Planet Uranus" line is just too much. I seriously think he's brain damaged and not self-conscious: Have you watched the "Director's Commentary" on the Trapped in the Closet DVD? If not, do so immediately.

I think we should start a sitcom called "R. Kelly's Yes-men" - we would just imagine, say, the scenario where he gets the go-ahead for creating the Bridget character ("You see it rhymes with midget!!") ... it would write itself.

[syc]

Yes r.kelly is fucking insane at times BUT he has came out with cool stuff....i love his cd 12 play...and the cd R were was really good...but i do crack up when ever i hear "like to gorillas in the jungle makin love!" crazy old bastard!

[Deege]

Ever since I saw the tape, I can't listen to his music without getting sick. The lyric "seems like you're ready" took on a whole new meaning. Rich, we may disagree on whether he's a pedophile, but we are >>><<< on whether he's repetitive loon. I just want him to go away. For like 5 to 10.

[TriedandTrue]

The commentary on Trapped in the Closet more than earns the cost of that DVD. I read that Chapters 13-22 are ready to go.....I cannot wait.

[spazmo]

The juxtaposition of R. Kelly with those perplexed wood-sprites at the top of the page really cracks me up!

But I'm so happy you wrote this piece. I just never know how to respond to R. Kelly as a musician. Now I'm pretty sure I don't need to.

You're right about the importance of the public's perception of his self-awareness. Accidental self-parody and intentional self-parody can make all the difference in sales.

I gotta laugh when Reh Dogg's defenders claim that "Why must I Cry" was some kind of deliberate creative exercise.

And then there's this guy. Christ -- parody or not, it's still the most godawful shite I've ever heard...

[Dan]

I think R. Kelly is the most opposite of self aware. This is probably most evident in the fact that his genuinely heartfelt Virginia-Tech tribute immediately follows a song called "Sex Planet."

His cluelessness is part of the appeal. However, when it comes to "Trapped in the Closet," the later chapters are clearly played up for laughs. The first five installments clearly are meant to be taken seriously. However, when we get to the later chapters, R. has midgets shitting their pants. The irony is that he adds superfluous comedy relief to a piece that's already 100% comedic. He just has no idea.

As I commend your division of R. Kelly's arsenal of songs into distinct categories, I would have to disagree with your take that R. Kelly's ongoing spiral into lunacy (whether it be evident with extended sexual metaphors on songs such as "Sex Weed" and "Sex Planet" or the rantings of a madman on "Real Talk"). For me, it makes him entirely more appealing and fun to listen to.

Overall, great piece. You really captured a lot of the nuances that people generally overlook when discussing Kells. However, I feel as if one element that was de-emphasized was his true musical talent as he writes, composes, produces and arranges his own material. When was the last time you heard an R. Kelly song that sampled a famous pop or R&B song? Too many artists now rely on classic hits in order to get airplay. I'll take a truly original pop jam like "I'm A Flirt" or "Ignition (Remix)" over Sean Kingston singing over a classic sample.

[girlyQ]

I like the crotch on you, Rich. In addition to your brain.

[John]

A Mariah fan calling out Madonna for ripping people off? Oh, the irony...

Anyway, agreed that R Kelly is ridiculous.

Keep up the good work on the blog - I'm finally past my ANTM recap withdrawals! Yay!

[WinnieFan]

That's nice. Where's Winston?

[Stormy70]

I think the term for R. Kelly is pederast.

[Deege]

Dan, he doesn't have to sample other people's songs, because he's sampling HIMSELF! He makes the same five songs over and over and over again. When one of his "new" songs comes on the radio you immediately know it's an R Kelly track. Come on now. He's been making the same album since '99.

Another thing: Am I the only one that thinks he's some kind of savant? I'm serious. I think he's what my grandmother used to call "special". That would explain the cluelessness.

[Mara]

i think the title of the album should be "fuck effort", because kells, like so many other artists of late, have been doing just that.

its like pop music is soo shitty right now that even the artists know it; and therefore figure why waste any time and energy on shit when minimal effort will get the job done? very sad.

[BayBB]

Kels is obviously not aware of what a joke he is. He was recently quoted as saying....

"My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."

He kind of reminds me of Tracy Jordan in 30 Rock, so crazy and delusional.

[Alex D]

I'm a flirt is an awesome song! In fact its provides the vocals one of the best songs full stop Ive heard this year. This isnt my blog but you can hear R Kelly vs Broken Social Scene- I'm a flirt here--> http://www.t-sides.com/Music/May24-RKBSS-FlirtShoreline.mp3

[RD]

I'm convinced that R. Kelly's music nowadays would be perfect for an R&B version of This Is Spinal Tap. I wonder if he realizes how goofy his music is?

[Gwen]

I think R Kelly is just plain weird, but I like your theory of him maybe being dropped on the head. Congratulations on your blogging birthday! You were a big inspiration for me to start my own. Thanks for all your hard work. Cheers!

[Shannon]

That lyric from "Sex Planet" quoted in your post made me laugh out loud. Ridiculously funny. Thank you!

[Gebbs]

I love how much you're able to post now (as much as i love the ANTM/PR coverage).

[SL]

you somehow left out the 'songs about sex' category. hugely important. greatest sex, sex weed, sex in the kitchen, etc.

pretty much the crux of his career.

[Ang]

Rich, what can I say. You're my inspiration. New to the world of blogging at the beginning of cycle 8, I am now amazed at the amount of stuff you write about, you wit, and freedom to use it. If you ever have time please check out www.tada-she.livejournal.com I'm contemplating doing a brief weekly CNTM recap. Although I have no screen capture device. Oh ya. R. Kelly is grossness in a can!

[Milah]

Ohmigod! I love this album!! It is hilarious and i love Real Talk! Are you kidding me!! You gon' burn what? Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfuckin' clothes with your trifilin' ass." ha ha ha!! I have been saying that all week!!! Seriously. I wouldnt have purchased it but since i received a free copy i am thrilled. Thrilled!!!!!

[Seattle Slim]

I am still trying to figure out WHAT he was going for on this record. For me he's lost relevance.