Sorry it took me so long to get to this (or anything else, really). It's just that I found it necessary to spend days (days!) pondering this promo shot...
...(click to enlarge slightly)...and trying to come up with something to say beyond the total obvious and mean designation of: PIGS IN SPACE. My conclusion? There's no other way to put it. Pigs in Space it is.
Ah, the biannual event in which I get to make overly harsh, utterly uninformed judgments on a bunch of girls that will provide the highlight of my pop-culture experience for the next several months. I have so much contempt for that which I love. I don't know if that makes me markedly human or just a fucking asshole.
My opinions are based mostly on the shots below, although I did watch each girl's pre-show video that's up at the CW's site. As usual, the girls are in order from doggiest to...least painful to look at. I hasten to say "prettiest," because it's a rough bunch this time around. Tyra says, "I wanted to get girls that are even less obviously pretty," which is the cycle's very first Tyraism. The translation: "We scrapin' the bottom. Of. The. Barrell. Y'all." And really, it makes sense that many of these girls would seem to have a tenuous grasp on reality -- that which drives them to think they're pretty enough to be models is the same lack of sense that leads them to believe that this show isn't mostly a sham (but admittedly getting less shammier with Jaslene's success...and even though Dani's in LANE FUCKING BRYANT, she also did an Akademiks shoot recently. That's hip, right? The kids like Akademiks, right?).
Whatever. Here they are:
Chantal, 19, Student
She looks like one of those fish that has eyes on both sides of its flat self (a flounder, to be specific). She reminds me of Ann Coulter, which means that she probably smells like one of those fish that has eyes on both sides of its flat self, as well.
Ebony, 20, Nursing student
No, Sister Patterson, I do not want to go bow-hunting with your legs. "I don't put up with no bullcrap," says Ebony in her video. Wait'll you see my shit.
Janet, 22, Aesthetician
I've gone almost 29 years without an Aunt Janet, and I don't need one now. Stop inviting me to your candle parties, stop waxing ecstatic about "that hot new fashion spot, H&M," and for the love of god, stop trying to get me to borrow your Rabbit. I'm gay but I don't have a clitoris. Stop getting it twisted. It hurts. Although I do appreciate the fact that you aren't so uptight about being sanitary. I think that proves you aren't homophobic. What I'm trying to say is: I know you mean well, but I can't fully trust people who hide their thumbs in year-old Gap apparel. Love, (oh fine, I cave) Your Nephew*.
Lisa, 20, "Dancer"
Lisa is an exotic dancer. Lisa considers herself a good networker. Clearly, Lisa is all kinds of wrong.
Jenah, 18, College student
Check out the teeth on this one!
I'll be interested to see what techniques and tricks Jenah has to avoid chewing on the nose of whomever she happens to be talking to at any given point. Also, you know in "Thriller," how MJ goes, "Thriller, chiller!" at the end of the chorus? I always thought he was singing, "Jenner, Jenner," which made me think of The Secret of Nimh every time, without fail. I feel like Jenah, Jenah's rodent-like incisors have made my life come full circle. It's a lopsided circle, but I'm blaming her teeth for that, too. Stop chewing on my circle, lady.
Mila, 20, Recent college graduate
She looks like a cross between Tori Amos and Lauren Hutton. I just got my period and it squirted out between the space in my teeth.
Ambreal, 19, College student
Take your smug '70s exterior (I'd call it a "vibe," but I'm sure you'd dig it and be all, "Right on!") and fucking bead a door way with it, Ambreal. I really hope that Tyra makes Ambs get a perm just so I can start calling her Ambrelaxer. Although, as it stands, her name's just a taste bud away from being pronounced "Embryo." If I were drunk, I'd make a point to call her that to her face.
Victoria, 20, College student
If the face of Cycle 6's Brooke were Silly Putty, the result of a few preparatory, pre-sculpting rolls over a hard surface would be Victoria. I'm on the fence has to how that will translate to pictures. As long as we keep her away from newspaper, I think she'll be hot. Also what the hell is that Chorus Line-ass outfit? I have to wonder if her bodysuit snaps at the crotch. The day she breaks into song about standards of beauty, be they ballet-oriented or otherwise, is the day she dries up.
Heather, 21, College student
There is something so macaroni and cheese about her that I can't help but love her. She's better on paper than in motion, as her pre-show video proves. The girl is a fucking spaz. "The girl has ADHD," I have in my notes, and I'm not sure if that's something she says in her video, or if it's just something I gathered because she doesn't stop twitching and moving and blinking ever. She is living impetigo with a slight emotional disturbance: "Some people have a problem with me touching them. I'm like, 'Yay. Attention.'" But don't cry over her naked sentiment. Heather is one for backhanded modesty: "I knew I was pretty, but I just didn't think I'd be on here." Or maybe that's front-handed arrogance pitching an ass-ball. The point is: I like Heather less than when I started writing this paragraph.
Bianca, 18, College student
You know how singer/actress/manslaughterer Brandy looks like an alien with Down syndrome? Anyway, I like Bianca. She's so around-the-way that her hair colors don't have numbers, they have names.
Also, did you know that the semi-final round takes place in Puerto Rico? I did because I watched Bianca's pre-show interview. But she ain't one to gossip. Another thing I learned from Bianca's video is what she is. "I am America," she says. Awesome, I'm Guam. Don't you own me or something? "I am relatable," she continues. "I cry, I'm insecure, I have fears." My type of girl. I can't wait to
explore exploit all of those qualities.
Kimberly, 20, College student
Her video made me feel like she was much less hot, but just going by this picture, I can only fag out entirely and say EXQUISITE. If you lost your virginity within 150 miles of the Mason Dixon line in the '70s, '80s or '90s and you are a boy, it was to a girl who looked like this. Fact! As for me, Kimberly just looks like someone whose face would be the first thing I saw as I came to while playing that suffocate-each-other-so-we-briefly-pass-out game in the back of the school bus that was all the rage in middle school. Ah, the days of pre-drug drugs. Kimberly's dream is a photo shoot with Shamu, and I feel like that really just supports all of my conjecture about her.
Saliesha, 21, Receptionist
I don't know, I guess she's my favorite by default. I think she may be a bit "commercial" or obvious, but I have to say that the pickings are slimmer than what reverse-anorexic Tyra sees when she looks in the mirror. If Ciara has an abundance of testosterone that went right to her face (remember those man rumors?), Saliesha is her estrogen-loaded counterpart. I can't believe I've been able to hold out this long before the inevitable burst into: "Salieshuuuuh, you are the girl that I never had, and I want to get to know you bettah / Salieshuuuuh, you know I want you so bad, and there's nothing anyone can do…to keep me away from you."
Sarah, 20, College student
I'm not really counting Sarah in with the rest of the group, because I think she's a plant. She's on there to be the plus-size girl who wins – after Whitney and Diane proved so disappointing last cycle, Tyra and Ken Mok needed to bring in a girl who could show the youngins that big thighs aren't punishable by death. Seriously, watch Sarah's video, she's amazingly hammy and her unending capacity for counterfeit astonishment is the sort of camp that Tyra and Co. started consciously bringing to the show a few cycles ago. I really think Sarah could be prong 2 of operation Kiss My Fat Ass (and it makes sense that she'd be brought in now that some time has passed since the initial rant, so as not to arise such suspicion). By the way, I'm so paranoid that I'm wearing a tinfoil cap right now...I don't want Tyra to be able to tell what I really think.
But the best thing about all this is that Sarah is a size 8. Tyra says through gritted teeth that Sarah ain't a real plus size. Then why did you cast her? Oh right, because she's slim enough to avoid being an eyesore, but meaty enough to feel like relative philanthropy. Oh, also because it'll give Tyra the opportunity to chastise Sarah for being in between regular and plus-size body types before ultimately handing her the crown. That shit-or-get-off-the-laxatives routine, I have to say, is a favorite of mine.
But yeah, Sarah for the win. She's a pretty girl. I can't say I mind so much.
Here's a bonus, by the way: the intro to this cycle leaked. If you thought these girls looked rough in their shots above, get ready to see them without makeup. Probably shouldn't eat while watching this. (Thanks, Julia.)