Killing joke

No matter what your cultural experiences were this weekend, they couldn't possibly have topped mine. For you see, in the comfort of my own home, in the comfort of my own underwear, I had the pleasure of watching I Know Who Killed Me. I did this (ahem) not at all illegally, which is to say magically. Spare me the lecture: watching this film (ahem) not at all illegally and magically was the only way to do it for several reasons.

1. I'm not putting any money in Lindsay Lohan's pocket because she's a raving bitch that little girls and gay boys look up to and she routinely fails them. Seriously. I believe that children are our future and I believe that child stars are our undoing. Maybe. I don't know. I have a feeling I'm being a little hypocritical here (I'm not sure exactly how), but whatever. Let me have my indignance. She's poisonous.

2. Is this movie even playing in theaters anymore?

3. The degraded picture quality that not-at-all illegal, magical viewing affords actually heightens the viewing experience in this case. For it really emphasizes Lindsay's sickly, weathered, Hollywood-orange skin.

So lifelike it practically jumps off the computer screen, no?

4. Similarly, the bikini top Lindsay wears in her stripper scenes have dots where the nipples are. In the theater, I imagine, you have to squint to imagine that she's topless. Again, degraded quality is your friend:

No imagination necessary: her firenipples are out there for the world to see.

5. And finally, it's OK to watch a not-at-all-illegal, magical copy of this thing because you don't need a crisp picture to feel the impact of Lindsay's F-bombs. (You have no idea what I went through to get this video up, so you best watch this shit. Seriously, hours of sleep were lost and this post was delayed a day because of this shit.):

(Download)

As I was saying: F-bomb impact. You know what this means? Our little girl is all grown up!

I Know Who Killed Me is every bit the disaster the reviews paint it as, but I'm in the minority in feeling that it's a highly watchable disaster. I don't exactly like it, but I do enjoy its trashiness. Really, the movie has no idea what to do with itself and I found it as fun to watch it stumble around drunkenly, as I would find it fun to watch a person stumble around drunkenly. And you know, that's pretty much my most valuable hobby these days.

What a mess. You know how when a character in a movie figures out what's going on in the middle of the movie, and that which they figure is as ridiculous as it is premature and you say, "Well, that's obviously not it," and then it turns out to be it? I can't think of any other examples (but I know they exist), but that's totally what's going on here. I think. I'm actually not exactly sure what the resolution is. It gets kinda dark at the end and you know that not-at-all-illegal, magical copies don't do dark so well. I know who killed me? Well, that makes one of us!

Killed concerns Lindsay's character Dakota Moss, who's found in a ditch and brought to a hospital. She looks a hell of a lot like a girl who went missing a few days before (Aubrey Fleming), and though Dakota swears she isn't that girl, she doesn't do much to offer any evidence to the contrary. Like, really, bitch, who are you, then? And so, she's effectively adopted by Aubrey's family. Seemingly, within minutes, she's fucking Aubrey's boyfriend. It's prettty amazing. I like her spunk. Dakota is a stripper (maybe) who's suffering from a weird bout of stigmata (maybe) and so is her stripper pole (maybe), which seemingly bleeds all by itself:

Unless her gloves are bleeding. Which: maybe?

So basically, Dakota has to figure out who the fuck she is or who Aubrey is or why she keeps bleeding out of her arms. Hint: she isn't Jesus. Also, this movie, unfortunately isn't The Double Life of Veronique, Mulholland Drive or, as this good call of a review points out, The Parent Trap.

No matter. It's not about the end, it's about the completely insufficient means. Like, the fact that the movie has a little bit of torture porn in it:

This is but one way in which the movie seems to openly mock its star. It's effectively saying, "Ha! See what your career has come to, Linds? Torture porn!" An even better way the movie mocks Lindsay is by making her character (are you sitting down?) a fucking amputee:

If only her career were as bionic as her replacement hand.

Oh, and what's awesome is that she gets this latex hand-like glove to cover her bionic hand:

That totally reminds me of Resusci Anne. I've never had a stronger urge to suck face with Lindsay Lohan in my life.

Rounding out the ways in which I Know Who Killed Me mocks Lohan is this:

Says it all, right?

I know Linds is having a rough time, but god, is she hard to pity. I think Dakota's job as a non-topless stripper is less demeaning than this film. Lindsay's just full of bad choices (and, even though I don't write about her here, I do dig her -- I don't really care about her personal life, but I watched a not-at-all-illegal, magical copy of Freaky Friday before it hit theaters and I've followed her since -- I feel like I have some ownership or something because I was there). When Dakota talks about her mother in the film, it's impossible not to think of Dina Lohan. "Look, when you're raised by a crack addict who thinks the less that people know about you, the better, it kind of sticks." In there any sentence in the history of sentences that's more divided into the absolute truth ("crack addict," "kind of sticks") and the absolute false ("who thinks the less that people know about you, the better")? It's a marvel. Even better, when asked how Dakota's mother died, Dakota replies, "O.D...duh." Duh squared.

As usual, Lindsay Lohan is the most entertaining thing in a Lindsay Lohan movie. Dakota is a stripping, slutting, smoking...

...swilling...

...difficult bitch, who's got a lot of problems with her middle finger:

And she says "Fuck." A lot, as you saw above. Seriously, you best have watched that video. I slaved over a hot video editing program just for you.

In sum, the only thing trashier than Lindsay is her sphynx.

No really: he has balls.

Fucking balls! I like to think that these balls, as disconcerting as they are, symbolize the future generations who will come to cherish and scoff I Know Who Killed Me when it's released on video in a few hours. It's uplifting ultimately: no matter what your situation, no matter how much your genitals look like deli meats, no matter what your blood alcohol content, I Know Who Killed Me is a film that inevitably prompts you to say, "Hey, it could be worse." Behold, the healing power of art.

Comments

[theodora]

i will be watching that video repeatedly, i swear it. pure fucking magic.

[deeyou]

It's so weird to hear the girl from Life Size say 'fuck'. I wonder if this movie is getting a release in the UK? Might have to magic myself a copy instead...

[Kyle Y.]

Is this as awful-great as Basic Instinct 2?

[La Angel]

methinks her brilliant hand gestures were coached by Robert DeNiro. Ah! sweet, weathered, leathery Lindsay.

[.Chris.]

DUH SQUARED! ahhahaha that brings me back to My So-Called Life.

FUCKING! FUCK! FUCK. sorry lindsay rubs off on me.
i cant wait to see this trash heap.

[Drew]

I too watched this. I think the apex of my personal enjoyment was the part where Lindsay Lohan was beaten unconscious with her own cyborg hand. Oh, it was beautiful.

[Merkin]

Awww, that's our little pottymouth. But, to be an asshole ingrate for a moment, I cannot believe you didn't save me a $1 Redbox rental by uploading a clip of Lindsay getting whacked in the face with a shovel. That's the only reason I would want to see this movie. Well, maybe that and the cyborg hand beatdown I just found out about (thanks Drew!).

[Raignn]

Loved the video. Really. Thanks for all the hard work on it :)

[Audrey]

I paid actual money to see this movie... the ticket stub says "I Know Wh", which reminded me that I also say "I Know What You Did Last Summer" in the theater, too.
Rich- did you ever read 'Fear Street' at all? Please tell me you did. Because I've read 'Fear Street' books with better plots than this. Did you feel disappointed that Aubrey/Dakota never fucked the gardener? I was. Also, the stupid blue theme! BLUE, BLUE everywhere!
But yeah, it's a good time.

[allison]

it's actually fun to watch this movie in a theatre because it turns into a comedy! the entire place cracked up during the most inapropriate times. I loved it.

[Max Silvestri]

Those dog's balls look CGI.

[LaSexorcisto]

First of all, Just Say Julie? Word

Poor Lindsay. I know it's easy to stay "Let's stop blaming White Oprah and her nutbag scumbag pops; she's after all an adult now" but honestly, I just think that's the gist of it. You have an absentee dad, and a washed-up used-up hag who thinks she's 18 trying to live vicariously through her child. Doesn't Lindsay have a grandmother in Alaska who can take her in, and take her away from her skanky friends and incompetent parents?

[stroll]

I so want a sphynx cat.

[Daniel]

Fuck, I love this bitch as much you don't. And I hope she gets better. It sucks being an addict.

[sweetney]

that was the best fucking video evar.

[mutterhals]

For a minute I thought the cat was pooping...

[amanda]

i watched the video and thank you for slaving over it because it was amazing!

[Willow]

OMFG. Those cat balls are the funniest thing I have ever seen! They're sort of breakfast sausage-shaped. Thank you, Rich for the tears of joy I am shedding in honor of you and your hard work. And thank you, Producers of Terrible Movies for the endless supply of mockable "art".

-I still can't stop laughing.

[ch]

Was that "...this good call of a review points out, The Parent Trap" line pasted in the wrong paragraph? Should it be a the end of "Mulholland Drive, or as ..." , between the shot of bleeding pole and gagged LiLo? Ways, love the review! Man, I got to start watching more movies magically.

[Rich]

Totally. That wasn't my fault, though -- I've noticed that Typapad has been glitchy lately with, of all things, links. Anyway, I fixed that.

I never read Fear Street, but I did read things of that ilk. Richie Tankersley Cusick and book-fair fare like that.

Oh, and the shovel scene was too dark on my copy to include. Will wait for DVD.

[hyp]

um so like what happened can we just get a spoiler

why is she an amputee i assume its her bionic hand bleeding all over the pole

[redb]

Thank you for the video, that was awesome. If I had a bionic hand no way would I wear the cover. I'd flaunt the bionics. And now I want to watch the movie, but I want to watch it all 70's grainy like that.

[Trey]

Oh my lord yes. You saw it. I completely agree that it was completely, disgustingly watchable. I especially loved how it was super stylish, but in a really forced way (all those blue fills, Julia Ormond's monologue in the mirror). That bloody pole during the opening credits was the point at which me and my friends started hysterically laughing.

[Avatar]

I saw the first few minutes, then walked out. It was that bad. I don't even care to know how it ended, or what the supposed mystery was.

Richie Tankersley Cusick
OMFG brings back memories... teachers pet.. they were SOOO Dramatic!!! christopher pike was the best one.