No. No. No. No.

I'm having a ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead moment, because after spending a week in the top spot of the Billboard Hot 100, Fergie's latest abomination, "Big Girls Don't Cry," falls to No. 3 on the latest chart. I would have preferred for this song to have fallen of the face of the earth, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

I'm not sure if I've ever hated a song as much as I hate this one, and if you consider the piss and vinegar that make up about 78 percent of my body, that's a pretty big claim. But I don't even think I'm exaggerating. Even in the context of the shittiest year for pop music that I can remember, this song's popularity is a travesty. It's slow ascent (19 weeks!) to the pole position of the Hot 100 runs counter to the current trend of songs shooting to No.1 thanks to iTunes sales boosts only to slide down almost as fast. For its tenacity, "Big Girls Don't Cry" could end up at No. 1 on Billboard's year-end chart. Fucking disgusting.

There are plenty of things that I don't like, but nonetheless understand the patronage of or participation in. Jack Black. Terrorism. Child abuse. Homemade crystal meth. Crocs. Sharp cheese. Shit, "Fergalicious," even. All of these things can be explained away (most of them by citing deep emotional disturbance -- especially the Crocs). That said, I believe that "Big Girls Don't Cry" is thus far the most unfathomable phenomenon I've ever encountered.

With "Big Girls Don't Cry," we reach the winter of Fergie's discontent, which just so happens to be her Hot AC crossover record after a career of Urban-format aspiring. It's so convenient that someone as personality deficient as Fergie should slide into the set-by-Stefani standard of pop eclecticism. "Cry" starts out all delicate, like an arpeggiated jingle for a butter commercial that spoils by the time it hits its first over-amplified chorus. Are those flies driving me crazy or is it the sound of Fergie's bombast? Wait, I know the answer, for at least you can shoe flies away. "Cry" is more tenacious than any insect I've encountered, though it has less intellect. Fergie blathers on about some guy that she can't be with but wants to, who, let's be real, probably can't fucking stand her anyway, only to hit that chorus: "I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you." Uh, actually it does, you fucking twit, because you've more than established your subject by this point. Otherwise you wouldn't be saying "you" at all. Fergie's logic goes something like: "You, you you. This has nothing to do with you. You you you. Yooooooou. Clarity. Peace. Serenity." And you know, I'm barely exaggerating. She actually sings that string of three words twice in "Cry." Do y'all like relaxing music? Well, have I got a track for you! For an even more soothing experience, I suggest sticking the lit end of incense in your ears.

I hate "Cry" a lot because it's all talk, no action. Fergie needs to be by herself and centered. Fergie and her self have got some straightening out to do. Then go fucking do it. This, fundamentally, illustrates why we have problems with obesity and hate in America: because people would rather fucking bitch than get off their pee-stained asses.

And then there's the most terrible problem with the song: its anti-expression theme, which again, suits someone as bereft of things to say as Fergie is to a T. Actually, asshole, big girls do cry -- it's just that most big girls haven't had extensive Botox and/or plastic surgery to fix their methfaces, and thus still have full use of tear ducts. Big girls do cry and, more importantly, big girls can cry. And god damn it, even if big girls don't cry they sure do whine, don't they Fergie? I want to use that fucking blanket that children miss as a gag on her.

Ugh, and then there's that counterfeit bid for relatability when she's babbling at the end and references playing jacks and Uno and sharing "our secret world." Jacks? Uno? I played those! I'm just like her! Secret world? I live in one of those where this beautiful song is a paragon of expression.

But of course, I kid. It's not a secret world, it's our fucking world that this song is dominating and that makes me so, so sad. It's too early to say if Fergie is an epidemic or if she'll just amount to spilled milk. But either way: boo hoo.

Update: Some validation for my rage comes by way of Michaelangelo Matos (and Matos validation is one of my very favorite kinds). In his Idolator column from last week, he hilariously recounts standing through Fergie's live act cum horror show:

"Raise your hands if you want to be on PerezHilton.com!" Fergie shouted, and dozens of tiny arms whipped upward. "Do you guys like reggae?" Fergie asked, before performing a tune about Mary Jane shoes that may well have been the worst reggae song I've ever heard. "Do you guys like rock?" Fergie asked, and then she covered "Barracuda" without mentioning that its creators, Heart, were from Seattle...She ended "Barracuda" by screeching, "Do you know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby! You're gonna diiiiiieeee!" So maybe I'm expecting a little too much here.

Fucking brilliant.

Comments

[marie]

geez rich! you really tore into her! i can understand your frustration, mine stems from when i first read the name of the song i assumed fergie did a cover of the old connie francis??? song that i forgot all the lyrics too. you have however justified your argument. i had issues with this song because of the same reasoning, it is about him, not her. nothing to do with you, so you leave a super sexy milo ventimiglia because of yourself?

[freakgirl]

Bravo!

[Joe]

Personally, I love when you're hatin'. It soothes the soul.

I never got her, but at the ripe old age of 36, I don't get many of the current popular music. Did popular music in the 80-90's suck this much to people in their 30's? Did they look at Madonna and go, "What's the big deal about that?" I can't believe that's so.

Anyhoo, the best Fergie is her duet on Kids Incorporated singing "Say You, Say Me" while a pervy, certainly evil clown mugs like shit in the background. Seriously, seach for it on YouTube and dig the way Ferg ephetically sings "Say it TWO-GEH-DAH....naturally..." with her big 'ol 80's hair and lip gloss.

[Ed Gonzalez]

Rich: Yeah, the song is an abomination, but you may be able to tolerate if you put your South Park face on. Just squeal "Blanket!" in your best Michael Jackson impersonation whenever Fergie gets to the "child misses their blanket" part. At least ruin it for everyone you know, like I have.

[Jayne]

I have to admit, the first time I heard the beginning of this song I thought to myself, "Hmmm. This isn't terrible. Something is on the RADIO that isn't terrible! Hell must be freezing over". Then I heard the line "like a child misses their blanket", and thought, "Aaah, way to fuck it up with a TOTALLY ASININE lyric."
God, I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns.
But, YOU! You, I LOVE LOVE LOVE! =)

[Jessie]

The part that annoys me the most is "I'm going to miss you like a child misses it's blanket". I have no idea why that line is in the song, and it drives me nuts. I can't change the station quick enough when that song comes on.

[miss christy]

Ugh, she first started to annoy me when she spelled the word tasty wrong in "Fergalicious" multiple times, then i got to hear trashy redneck girls everywhere singing along to "Glamorous" (as if!), but "Big Girls Don't Cry" definitely takes the cake for most cloying Fergie song to date. Thank you for tearing it a new one!!!

[ohnoyoudi'int]

Jesus! With the level of gaseous vitriol and vebose hyperbole you spew in these 8 paragraphs ... one would think you were talking about something important.

It's a pop song. It's a piece 'o shit. 'nuff said.

It's not like she wrote it ... words or music. She's a puppet. She pees her pants.

[SONE]

all my friends like fergie....EXCEPT me...i cant stand the bitch...i hate i repeat HATE this song...especially the dumb ass blanket part...and whats up with her fucking little ass hat...cant stand the bitch...finally people who agree with me...thanks rich

[The General]

I hate her so much. She stirs all the evil in my soul and I think she's the cause of my acid reflux. She's one of the worst things to ever happen. Just ever.

[Nick]

Aww...poor Fergie-Ferg.

I actually semi-liked this song when her album was released. Now it's overplayed though, and I sort of loathe it.

I love "Mary Jane Shoes" and "Wake Up" though!

And p.s...has anybody heard 50 Cent's take on "London Bridge"? It's all kinds of nasty and wrong...

[amy]

fergie looks good with that X on her face :O

[FortyTwo]

I remember my huge "WTF?!?!" moment when I found out that Fergie was Stacy from "Kids Incorporated." Yeah, she's famous now, but I'm really disappointed that she turned into such a skank.

[katy]

ugh, i hate fergie ferg. every song. every single word that comes out of her mouth, and hell, the occasional thought that must cross her mind, is TERRIBLE.

i truly enjoy how she sings about her hottness in every single effing song. and by enjoy and i mean my gag reflex gets a good work-out. honestly, if you are hot, you just don't have to go around announcing it.

[www.TeesMyBody.com T-Shirts]

She's so, so ugly.

What the fuck are you so angry for?

This didn't sound like you at all.

[blah]

strangely addictive, and WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY better than that fucking umbrella ella ella song. god, i would puncture my eardrums if i had to hear it ever again.

[wish I grew up with PiL listening lil' jon instead]

Guess what? I had to actually grow up with the transvestite!! She was grossly obnoxious as well as her mother in those days.... Hanging out with cholos in East La? Um, no. She was on the goodship lollypop, living the dream mommy wanted to live on kids incraporated!! I thought that I was finally rid of her, when 10 years down the line, a workin lacky at a recording studio, she appeared forced upon the black eyed peas by their recording company. They actually were kinda (im being nice) ok before this.
Oh what am I trying to say? Well damnit, thanks Rich, with all my grammatical and spelling errors, you did what I could'nt. And thats basically trashing the tacky botoxed toff from whittier (no place shittier). Good taste will prevail, and she'll be erased from history for good. Lets hope that in retrospect, a kid in 2020 will pick up a M.I.A album and not the vomit that is this trite career.

[David]

I think your venom is beautiful though I don't know if I'd go as far as to claim its the worst song ever, or even of the year.

Fuck Avril Lavigne. Fuck "Girlfriend". Fuck them both right in the ear.

[toonsNtunes]

i've been able to forgive Fergie previously for lame lyrics and faux-posturing because at least the beats were hot... lose the beats and this poser has no appeal.

[Mark Oshiro]

I used to think "Girlfriend" was worse.

Clearly, i was wrong.

[Mark Oshiro]

I used to think "Girlfriend" was worse.

Clearly, i was wrong.

[JH]

Clever disguise, "PiL" -- I know that's really you, Martika!

My favorite KIDS INC. memory is of Fergadork changing the "Saving All My Love for You" lyrics to "we'll be holding hands the whole night throoOOough..." Is it any wonder she's such a cock-crazed hoochie mama now?

And as awful as "Big Girls" is, I still contend that "Glamorous" is worse.

[ehn]

THANK YOU. that song makes me want to stab myself in the face. I nearly crash my car every 3 seconds scrabbling to change the station when it comes on. And WHY is it on all the hip hop stations? it's a motherfucking horrible BALLAD.

[fast_hugs]

Children and their blankets, right???

::Shakes head and laughs::

Children and blankets!