Ears without a face
Tyra repeatedly complimented Kimberly's ears, saying that they were "one of my favorite parts of you" (even though there are, like, two of them) and "some of the most perfect ears for a frame of a face that I have ever seen." There are two things to learn from this. 1) Like Iggy Pop, Tyra Banks has probably had it in the ear before (and loved it!), and 2) Tyra Banks is extremely observant.
See? Without her ears showing Kimberly is nothing! Nothing!
25. Kimberly
Not even her ears could save her. If they didn't stay, I hope they at least helped her leave: I like to think that Kimberly skipped the plane and flapped her way home.
26. Heather
Heather's tears signify a mild form of compassion. And the "t" is pronounced "ahs."
27. Kimberly
OK, we get it, you're gone. Don't let the door hit you on the ear on the way out.
28. & 29. Chantal and Sarah
I know that Sarah glistened for a split second, so I'm pretty sure she was crying. Not positive about Chantal but I'm counting it anyway. It's my prerogative. Plus, Chantal's crumpled face definitely suggests it. But then again, her face is always crumpled. By the way, crumpled is the new five-head. Very high-fashion.
30. Bianca
Bianca's distant look and actual tears suggest someone in mourning. I bet she really was, since Kimberly was totally her lesbian lover for an episode. More on this below!
31. Kimberly
First my heart melted a little when she said she was "embarrassed" of her pictures. Aw, girl, don't be embarrassed of your pictures. They weren't that bad. Instead, be embarrassed that you shared a bed with Bianca (I said, more on this below!). And then, my heart froze right back up when she said she was in the "Top 12" of the country. Top 12 what, exactly? Certainly not the Top 12 people stupid enough to sacrifice themselves for the schadenfreude of others. The TV is teeming with those types. Certainly not the Top 12 models because, uh, they're all...working. The Top 12 unwise, passably attractive though mostly bizarre-looking, young-but-still-too-old women in America who will probably bring some sort of drama to (and, if they don't, will be cut from) the circus created by Tyra Banks and Ken Mok? Yeah, that sounds right. Whoop-dee-doo. Congratulate yourself with a box of Q-tips, Earhart.
And now for my two favorite things in the world right now together again: Tyra Banks and Asperger's.
Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "I wanna ask you a question. It's a question about Asperger's. When you have Asperger's, I know, one of the things is a lack of eye contact. Yet still when I look at your film, you have amazing eye contact with the person that's just off in the air on the rock wall that doesn't exist. So where does that come from?"
OK, so there are two main points and both are equally asinine. I'll start with the most pressing and the first: Tyra apparently has decided to start pronouncing "Asperger's" with the "ass" in tact (not the "ahs" that the rest of the people on the show seem to prefer), but with a soft "g." Why? Why? Why must I cry? In addition to thinking of "ass burgers," as I do regardless of whatever steps that are taken so that I don't, now I'm thinking of "ass purgers," too
I'd be very curious to see the binging.
Second of all, I've spent so much time cataloging Tyra's inanity that I feel qualified to say that this is the stupidest thing she's ever said on camera. Period. "You have amazing eye contact with the person...that doesn't exist. Where does that come from?" Gee, Tyra, could it come from the fact that the fucking person doesn't exist?!?! Yes, yes, Heather is a genius at looking no one in the eye. She has such a command of no one! She'll pierce right through no one if no one doesn't watch out.
Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - "When I first started modeling, I got shipped off to Paris and I had to go on like 30 to 40 castings for high-fashion. Name drop, name drop, name drop. All these big designers, with three photos. And I thought the photos were busted. And I booked 25 fashion shows! But I walked in there like, 'Yo, I have a Vogue cover!' So just walk in with some confidence, even if you fake it."
Tyra was telling this to a downtrodden Ebony. What's ridiculous about it is that last week, Nigel told Ebony to just be herself. I really hope for Ebony's sake that's she's schizophrenic (or at least mildly so!), so that sorting through conflicted voices means she is being herself.
But what really fascinates me about this is that this was one of Tyra's pictures:
"Busted" isn't the word, unless you're talking nut. She looks like the guy in drag who's masturbating on the CD of Nirvana's In Utero:
This reference immediately popped into my head with reason. Do you know how much time my 9th-grade gay ass spent looking at that CD, attempting to make out that guy's penis? Let's just say that it was a fixation of reality TV proportions.
1. I usually reserve this space for the episode's big event, but really, there wasn't one. Seriously, this soon out and I'm already translating the episode in my head to Natashaspeak to spice things up? (You know she would have been soooooo much fun about the Asperger's thing. "Ass burger! Over 5 billion serve!") It's not that I don't love this show, but I do fear that a few more episodes like this and we'll have another Cycle 7 on our hands.
Like, I'm so glad that all the girls like Heather and Ebony became a real person. All that wrapped up nicely. Such arcs!
And I'm glad that the girls didn't die or anything when they were carted to some location with a scenario setup by the show.
I really do think that they were scared, which makes it even more ridiculous. Although...
...that's pretty scary. Maybe not scream-worthy but definitely worth some panty piss. However, they did get J's title wrong, at least for this scenario:
That's better.
My point (I guess?) is that watching this show requires at least a bit of a forfeit of logic -- you must allow yourself to be deceived. Heather's problems aren't solved, you don't need to play a game to see Ebony's personality disorder (though I do kind of love her now -- more below...don't you love how I tease?) and Miss J is fucking scary, even if the girls' sighs of relief suggest otherwise.
All of this means that when someone like Bianca comes along, you're supposed to hate her (until she cries or whatever mid-season after Tyra sets her up as an open target for the other girls during a Tyrerapy session). Being simpleminded and reactionary, I always end up loving that girl. You know, just because I hate authority. Don't get me wrong: I know she's an asshole, but at least she keeps up the momentum of a show. Gas from an asshole, imagine that.
And so, I have to say that the Bianca-Saleisha rivalry was the episode's de facto highlight:
Look at how swan-like Bianca's right arm is. That is some graceful-ass shit-stirring.
My favorite part? "My head is big? For real? You look like a Bratz doll." I love this because Bianca's level of maturity is right around that at which Bratz dolls are relevant. Also, I love the irony. Saleisha may have the face of a Bratz doll, but surely, Bianca has the cheap, plastic hair of one:
My second favorite part? Bianca's cruel use of the "p.s." words. "Your body type is not better than me. You're borderline plus-size." Cold! Is there a worse insult that could be hurled in the ANTM house? And, of course, more irony:
Don't get me wrong, I like meaty (if I were straight, it'd be all about the sisters big-bones), but if I'm looking at this objectively, I'd have to wonder if Bianca's burgeoning pot belly doesn't qualify her for the same categorization. It's all about projection with her, isn't it?
My third favorite part? "My mouth can get me anywhere! My mouth can get me anywhere! My mouth can get me anywhere!" Spoken like a true starlet. Wait till you see where your vagina can get you, BiBi!
I like that we got to see some shade from Saliesha, too.
That is sassy. If not Cosby-kid sassy, then at least Jello Pudding Pop-sassy.
2. Oh, and more on Bianca's projection:
That's coming to you from someone who can easily look like a Hollywood chainsaw hooker if given the right eye makeup.
However, I have to side with Bianca's maliciousness wholeheartedly on one account: "Kimberly asked me for some tips and I gave her bad tips. But I don't think that's being a bad...(sings, weirdly) friend. I just feel like I'm still competitive and I can't forget why I'm here." So much word. I mean, she's a cunt of the Hollywood chainsaw variety for going out of her way to derail a friend, but she illustrates exactly why you don't ask for your competitors help, especially when you're on a reality show where such derailing will perform the one-two punch of getting another body out of the way and getting the derailer camera time. Open your eyes and your ears, Kimberly.
3. More on this Bianca-Kimberly thing: did you notice that they were together constantly in this episode?
Where's Bianca's left arm?
No really, where? Do you think it's capable of being as swanlike as her right? If so, coulda been interesting.
I do feel like we were cheated out of a lesbian subplot and I'm fucking pissed. Bad tips make for good sex. Believe it!
4. You know how Saliesha's face has been getting ragged on? Bianca says it's "nothing special" and even Tyra thinks that there's a "certain commonality" to it.
Are these people mad? Saleisha is conventionally pretty, and I guess in this fucked-up ANTM world of debatable beauty, that makes her a pariah. Ridiculous. I think Saliesha's almost hyper-cute. She's girl-next-door-esque, but only if you happen to live inside of a cartoon apartment complex. Seriously, she's an anime character. Look at how fierce she looks rocking the Sailor Moon eyes:
See? They fit right on her face. Hyper-cute! Admittedly, she looks a little (OK, a lot) like Stevie Wonder. But you know you wanna fuck Stevie. You don't even have to say it. You wanna do his ass with a Pudding Pop. It's OK. I know.
5. Oh yeah, and as far as my turn-around on Ebony goes...I don't have that great of an explanation for it. Part of it's compassion for the judges' contradictory advice. Part of it's empathy for cracking up while Bianca and Saleisha were acting like Bratz...
Part of it's that she just does not give a fuck when she looks a mess...
Her eyes hit a level of wild in this shot that I thought only Diana Ross could achieve. You know, Ebony would make a great sequel to Mahogany. It could follow the further adventures of a top model who's made to rock a ridiculous nickname and completely impractical clothes as she traipses through outlandish scenarios all in the name of turning out a relic of pop culture that will be appreciated by queers for years to come. Oh wait, that already exists. And we're watching it.
Also, I love that she puts the "bony" in "Ebony."
Her fucking shoulders are so sharp, my eyeballs are bleeding. I guess at least she always has that broad-shouldered, Golden Girls look 50 years early and with nary a pad in sight. But seriously, is that armor?
It's so extreme, she looks like a member of Gwar. Here, I'll complete the look:
Ebony, your second career awaits.
And on that note, it's time for this week's Questionable Beauty Party. It's an all-Bianca edition, because I haven't talked about her enough already. Whatever, she's stank and it shows. I love a woman of consistency.
I love that she had a visible zit for most of her interviews this episode.
See it?
Oh and in her shot this week...
...she looked like a damp lesbian. Somewhere, Kimberly weeps.
6. And speaking of shots...
I love that Nigel exclaimed, "Legsamillion!" when this popped up on screen. Fagsamillion.
That is unbelievable. What kind of horses is she sleeping with?
Probably the same ones that Sarah's making blowjobfaces at (for real: Blowjobface of the Cycle, already?).
Speaking of Sarah...
...her neck is so tense in this shot, I wonder if her spine was fused together. I bet she took some acid and tried to escape from a hospital using one bed sheet to scale six stories. Could a striker-frame photo shoot be far behind?
Buck fangs strike again!
This shot is fantastic, I have to admit. But I can reveal exclusively to you that this is heavily retouched. I got my hands on the original shot (don't ask how!):
Smoke and mirrors, people.
And finally, Victoria's shot was easily my favorite out of all of them...
She's never looked better. I wonder if the fact that she's partially covering her face has anything to do with that.
7. No really, how could I not love Victoria? She gives Twiggy such shit! She's all "buh-duh-duh-da-duh-duh," in Tyra's words. Way to get her Victoria! If she keeps up the Twiggy harassment, I'm gonna have to create a Victoria Love-o-Meter. For now, this will do...
...as will this:
Hey, Twiggy, why ya hittin' yourself?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
8. Hey, J, why ya hittin' Tyra?
Oh, right! Because she's an asshole. How stupid of me.
No, but you wanna know the real reason he's hitting her? Because she had the audacity to say, "The camera loves your face," this week. Ugggghhh! These people are trying to drive me crazy! I happen to know the camera and so, to preserve my sanity, I called him this weekend. He was gracious enough to grant me a brief interview.
Me: It seems that every week, Twiggy tells someone, "The camera loves you." She didn't this week, but Tyra did. Is it true? Do you really love people as intensely as the discourse suggests?
The camera: No. I'm a camera.
Me: OK, but do you prefer certain people? Perhaps you like some more than others and that preference is what the judges are picking up on. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on their part that your preference will turn one day into love.
The camera: No. I'm a camera.
Me: I see. Let me ask you this, then: are there any of these girls with whom you'd like to make like a pot on New Year's Eve and bang?
The camera: Of course, of course! I am a dude, after all.
And there you have it. The camera does not love anyone, but he'll fuck the shit out of you if you're hot. Watch out for that lens. It's thick. Regardless, do not believe what Tyra and Twiggy have to say. These people are liars.
9. I have nothing to say about this gif of Tyra saying, "Hoist," except that I made it in the hopes that it will one day be useful...
...perhaps when I find myself referring to willing horses and spread legs. Things of that nature.
10. Every cycle I have to get in at least one shoutout to Potes at Television Without Pity, as she's my inspiration who brings meaning to my life and I wanna have her near me, I wanna have her hear me sayin': No one needs her more than I need her (except for people who don't own TVs). Anyway, in her last recap, she made a particularly hilarious point about Jaslene's My Life as a Covergirl segment: "It's really hard to understand anything she's saying, with the exception of, 'Super long-lasting shimmery shine.'" It's so true. Jaslene and that damn deaf voice.
She is screaming at these people! Terrorizing them, even.
11. Spoiler alert!
12. No matter how many new girls they bring in and through the ANTM wringer...
...Sutan will always be the most beautiful girl in the world.
Put your hand down, J.
13. And finally, in addition to entertaining me, Bianca's words to Saleisha provided a wonderful way to wrap up this week's recap:
Thanks Rich! Aren't you glad so far they're getting rid of the girls who actually deserve to get booted? Love that, makes it feel like an actual competition and not a contrived reality show (which I know deep down it is!).
Posted by: Mardi | October 08, 2007 at 11:53 AM
Oh, yeah, I forgot: OMG FIRSTFIRSTFIRST!
Just kidding.
Posted by: Mardi | October 08, 2007 at 11:53 AM
At first I thought Kimberly looked like Adrienne, but in one of those top shots, she looks like Cycle 6's Gina... with that not-so-great smile... Hey Kimberly, Gina made the Top TEN, so put that in your ear and smoke it!!!
I so do NOT want to know where Biancunt's left arm is - in the words of James St. James - um eww...
And glad to know that I'm not the only one who can't understand a damn word in those Jaslene commercials... Seriously... they need subtitles!!!
Bravo for all those who voted Heather CGotW!
Posted by: Steve Abramson | October 08, 2007 at 11:59 AM
Ebony has turned me around, I hate Bianca though. Hilarious Recap, Rich!! Keep it up! xxx
Posted by: Luca | October 08, 2007 at 12:01 PM
i love you.
Posted by: darien | October 08, 2007 at 12:01 PM
LOL! Great recap! Bianca is a biatch, but what would ANTM be without drama and catty behavior! Love it.
Posted by: stopurh8in | October 08, 2007 at 12:04 PM
I love bucktoothed Jenah and self-proclaimed nerd Victoria.
They're too boring right now though. They need to spice it up.
Um, and Kimberly's goodbye speech was horrifying.
Posted by: David | October 08, 2007 at 12:06 PM
Thank you so much for providing an outlet of entertainment during my 8:30 AM Medieval history class.
Although, I had to contain and stifle my laughter as to not ruin the invigorating class discussion about the Godwin family.
I still don't understand the panels' love of Jenah's, her teeth bugged the crap out of me.
Posted by: Elena | October 08, 2007 at 12:07 PM
Lisa is obviously staying a while, so Tyra can claim at least three times (my money's on five) that modeling is TOTALLY NOT ABOUT waving your cooch at strangers.
Posted by: Sep | October 08, 2007 at 12:07 PM
Bianca is such a stank bitch, but I will say the thighs comment to Saleisha cracked me up. Mostly because Saleisha's a know-it-all poopy pants like Lisa (i guess it'd be pee-pee pants instead) Rich, I'm surprised no mention was made of those stupid-ass dresses they had to wear during their runway show for that Asian designer. I'm sick of hearing about Assburger and As-purgers from the show. Then they busted out Heather's art as some show that she's Rainwoman? Kimberly was boring and stupid and I'm glad she's gone. Victoria really hates Twiggy. Wuv her!
Posted by: LaSexorcisto | October 08, 2007 at 12:13 PM
"Ebony in Gwar", I almost fucking died laughing.
Julie
Posted by: Julia | October 08, 2007 at 12:14 PM
I now remember why I woke up today...because it surely had nothing to do with coming to work.
Hysterical, as always. Team "Ass Burgers"!
Posted by: Nick | October 08, 2007 at 12:16 PM
you know i have the same hate-love relationship with the pricks of the season. i wish they'd make a "celebrity" antm season with all the witchiest rejects... ahem girls of the cycles. but i'm not sure the world is ready for that...
Posted by: meme | October 08, 2007 at 12:24 PM
So far this cycle is pretty lame, but your recaps make it all worth it. I am laughing so hard right now.
Posted by: Brian | October 08, 2007 at 12:26 PM
Did anyone else see Jaslene modeling Elizabeth's "snoopy fashion creation" on the View? It was hilarious because they introduced her but didn't let her speak... wonder why...
Posted by: Ash | October 08, 2007 at 12:35 PM
i love the sailor moon eyes on saleisha...
and of course, chantals "original" shot.
you're genious!
Posted by: heidi | October 08, 2007 at 12:35 PM
The Snoopy dress was heinous as well.
Posted by: Ash | October 08, 2007 at 12:35 PM
So if it isn't already plainly obvious, according to Victoria, (I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends last week and she was there and then I made a huge ass of myself because I was all OMGOMG, but anyways) basically Tyra and Twiggy mount a campaign to make her look like the evil self-obsessed bitch who needs to be taken down. Also, I don't really think she is long for the show. Which is too bad because she is awesome and not a bitch at all.
I personally have this fantasy where Janice Dickinson comes back and she and Victoria become best friends because they hate Tyra and Twiggy and then they get shitfaced for judges panel and say horrible things about Tyra and Twiggy (perhaps while accidentally spitting in their faces) and how dumb they are and then because Janice is the guest judge she refuses to let Victoria get kicked off.
Also, I mean "sea nymphs on acid"???!?!?!?!?! That was beautiful. Finally someone let Jay know how retarded his questions are. Unfortunately, ANTM is a serious endeavor and Tyra will not tolerate anyone who will make a mockery of her.
Posted by: victoria4ever | October 08, 2007 at 12:39 PM
Love, love, love you
Posted by: KK | October 08, 2007 at 12:42 PM
"...she puts the "bony" in 'Ebony.'"
Awesome! And so true.
Love ya. Without you, this show wouldn't be half as fun.
Posted by: Bjooks | October 08, 2007 at 12:43 PM
Victoria? Really?
Posted by: Daniel | October 08, 2007 at 12:54 PM
Oh, and your new banner just reminds me that you are indeed the gayest man on Earth. Like I need reminding.
Posted by: Daniel | October 08, 2007 at 12:56 PM
it's true, tv is no fun without you.
you are a mild form of addiction.
Posted by: acolyte | October 08, 2007 at 12:57 PM
Is Bianca Keyisha Cole's sister?
Not only can I not understand what Jaslene says it really hurts my ears like when a baby screams at Target. I wish I was deaf like her.
You rule.
Posted by: mer65 | October 08, 2007 at 01:03 PM
Also, I have the Wal Mart version of In Utero (you know the one that says "Waif Me" on the back and covers up the va jay jay lilies) and even though they are my favorite band ever I didn't know about the drag queen diddling himself. I'm going to Best Buy after work and buying it.
Posted by: mer65 | October 08, 2007 at 01:05 PM