Despite what she says, Tyra Banks is not Jesus Christ

If this picture is crappy...

...it's only appropriate. Ebony was sick of smelling Tyra's bullshit and it showed on her face. Uncensored honesty -- how refreshing. This photo is like the visual equivalent of a Glade Plug-In.

43. Ambreal

"What's happening is the hair around my eyes is out to get me. My eyebrows are acting up and no amount of pinching will stop them. And I know that come the photo shoot, it's gonna be my eyelashes. Daddy, I'm scared."

44. Ambreal

I don't even know if Ambreal's really crying here or just being Ambreal. Which is to say: crying. Anyway, there's no hand in the frame. If a tear falls and a hand isn't there to emphasize it, does it make a face wet?

45. Ebony

Weeks ago, Miss J said, "Change yo funky attitude," in reference to Ebony. Ebony took this to heart and, upon resigning from the competition, showed the judges that she had worked on not one, but two funky attitudes at once: joy and sadness. Ebony, you're a helluva gal. (Also notice: hand.)

46. Ambreal

"Thank you, God," said Ambreal upon finding that she'd been given a "free pass" to stay in the competition for another week. Because Ebony was directly responsible for this and because Ambreal looked up (and not forward) while she said this, Tyra immediately was filled with jealousy. Note to Tyra: Work on your messiah complex, girl. An upgrade is but one, "Kiss my Jesusy ass!" away.

47. Ebony

The best thing about this is that what Ebony said really did need subtitles. I'm this close to making that my new ringtone. Ebony really was the gift that kept on giving, up until the bitter end. Love you like a Jesus Camp sound bite, Ebs!

Before I get to the obviously related Tyraism (too massive to be a Tyraism of the Week -- it's more like a Tyraism of the Career), here are a few to whet your appetite:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "We know that works, we know that works, we know that works and this works, too. But does this work, and does this work, and does that work? That's where you need to go."

First, the ones that "work":

This works? To what end? To keep your lace-front in place on those windy days when your elastic is on vacation (in a more reasonable climate, no doubt)?

This works, I'm assuming, to ward off anyone who thinks you're mentally healthy. For added fierceness, throw in a little drool.

And now the questionable ones:

Does this work?

Maybe for minimum wage.

And does this work?

If you came out of a bathroom stall looking like that, I wouldn't go in. So, uh, yes?

And does that work?

If your profession is cheetah wrangling, then...no. No, it fails miserably. Tyra, could you please take up cheetah wrangling?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"The next name I'm going to call is...Lisa. Don't walk all defeated, get your shoulders back. Do something with that hair and get out of your comfort zone. Maybe you'll be called a little earlier next week!"

I KNEW KNEW KNEW Tyra was going to give Lisa shit after she was called third to last. I think Tyra told her, "Don't walk all defeated," because she wanted to make sure that Lisa was still alive and able to hear more criticism. "Don't walk all defeated, I haven't defeated you yet." Ugh, and you know that Bikini Stripper Lisa (which I capitalize because then Lisa sounds like a friend of Barbie) is fragile enough inside to let Tyra get to her. Lisa's going home way soon and they're going to blame her defeated spirit. Mark my words.

When that happens it will be unlike some people...

1.

I love that Ebony's dead now. She walks off the show and all of a sudden her audition tape gets weathered and worn like some grindhouse shit. I can't wait for the Cannibal Holocaust-themed photo shoot. Tyra gets to play the turtle!

To a certain point, I understand Tyra's pissiness. At the very least, Ebony could have saved everyone the trouble of going through that last elimination. I mean, she could have saved Ambreal the tears. You know it takes a lot to get that girl worked up. But I bet that Ebony wanted to see if she could make it through and get herself booted so that she didn't have to withstand the inevitable lecture that would come with quitting. You know, that lecture that goes, "You know what I think is not for you? I don't think it's modeling. I think it's people telling you what to do. I think it's people telling you that you're not perfect. I think that's what you can't handle. And the most unattractive thing in the world to me is a quitter. And for that, you can go."

Let's start with the last two sentences: Tyra is such a control freak that she can't handle someone quitting her show and thus has to eliminate her ("...you can go"). That control freakishness is exponentially apparent because she, in effect, blames this on unattractiveness -- Ebony's now ugly because she quit and that's the real reason she's being eliminated. Tyra Banks will rewrite history right before your eyes. You know how she can do that? Because she's in charge of fate, duh!

And Jesusier and Jesusier! Especially because she essentially said minutes before this that Ambreal didn't have potential. Water into wine, my friends.

Also the whole quitter thing? I guess we can expect a follow-up to "Shake Ya Body" any day now. I hope it's called "Shake Ya Fat Ass" from her album titled Lazy Hippo, naturally. Also, could this mean that more appearances in C-level horror flicks are in order? I hear they're remaking Cannibal Holocaust -- again, Tyra, they'll need a turtle. Or if you're more comfortable sticking with the hippo bit, it's cool. Whatever works, I just wouldn't want you to be seen as a quitter after dabbling in R&B and acting.

It was just so awesome that Ebony's attitude was, "Whatever. I tried. Whatchoo want me to do?" For real! I think she's a weird, quirky girl and the judges really tried to pave over that and have her act in a way that was for them, not for her (that montage of them ordering her to change her ways made them look infinitely stupider than her). I'm glad they couldn't break her down to build her back up because, shit, she seemed super-cool just the way she was. Modeling probably wasn't for her and it's so awesome that this show allowed her to figure it out. Now she can actually contribute to society! How many deluded girls leave this show all, "I'm still gonna model! I'll be famous one day!" after Tyra gives them the hug of death? Thank god Ebony didn't touch that hambone. If so, she might have caught Tyra's crabs that clearly cling to your attitude and don't let up.

(Someone wrote me about yet another incident involving the raging bitch that Tyra has become: a reader ran into her in a deli on Broadway on Saturday night. She was, naturally, all done up. He asked for a picture and she didn't even look at him. She just said, "Not right now, I'm just hangin' out." I know that one incident does not reflect a person's entire being, but those are the words of someone who's waaaay too used to being adored. If she keeps acting like that, there's going to come a time when she's begging fans to pay attention to her. Change your ways, Jesus Lady, because no one's gonna care about your cross by the time you're hanging on it.)

But really, the ending, while pearl-clutchingly gasp-worthy, wasn't really all that surprising. I mean, the death knell sounded here:

It was no surprise that they picked that shitty shit-smelling shot up at the top of this post for Ebony's final picture, but I would like to point out that she took tons of better ones. The following screen shots were taken as (or frames before) the pictures were snapped:

 

Ebony, after going through your film, I've concluded that Tyra Banks is an asshole.

2. God, this show is so predictable. This was, like the first thing that we saw...

Total foreshadowing. Oh no, not in the sense that the first girl that they focus on is the girl who ultimately eliminated (even though that's true). It was mostly foreshadowing in that once I saw it, I knew it would be an episode of Blowjobfaces.

I guess that's what happens when Tyson Beckford comes over. Girls get excited.

My two favorites?

I'm impressed, why aren't you impressed?

My favorite thing about this is that you can abbreviate the essence of the shot by calling it "M.J.B.J.face." And isn't that what the Internet's all about? Abbreviation?

3. This, however, is not a Blowjobface:

It's more like a Bad Cunnilingus Face (receiving end, duh). She looks molested. And really, she could be right considering...

She was probably afraid that she was going to catch Heather's Asperger's. Mary was all, "Quick, someone put a dental dam between us!"

Also, how about, "Let's give her a tan!"?

Can I tell you that my inner satirist weeps over the fact that I can't bring myself to do Heather up in Al Jolson-esque blackface to expose and lampoon the absurdity of this whole ordeal? That Carol's Daughter is a brand typically associated with women of color is not lost on me, for sure.

Also not lost on me?

Carol's Daughter sistahmind Lisa Price isn't trying to get all Brooke Hogan on your ass by rocking an outdated grill...

...she just has braces. And if you don't know, now you know...tanner.

Also, you call that a tan?

A fake tan isn't a fake tan unless it looks like the tanee has been rolled in Cheeto dust. I'm from Jersey, I know about tans. And Cheetos, for that matter.

One last thing about Mary.

That wig is outrageous. I mean, I know it's completely acceptable for women to wear wigs in '07, but I feel like her wig is not giving its all. It's like it thinks "no more drama" means it gets to have the day off and shit. My point is that it looks like a wig. She has too much money for that. Seriously, if you replaced Mary's head with a mannequin...

...it looks like a shot of what's coming up in the next hour on QVC, bath salts included. I wouldn't buy any of that shit. Although that mannequin looks kinda like Chantal.

What's your problem? I was giving you a compliment, Swan Drooper.

4. I swear, this whole show was about sex!

Saleisha humped like a puppy:

Nigel wore his pubic hair on the outside:

And Ambreal got her mango eaten:

And here's how that happened:

You're not supposed to eat mango skin, right? Tyson's a fucking idiot, right? I mean, he's definitely hot.

Guys that are that ripped scare me, though. I'm afraid their abs are going to bruise me. Also, I'm afraid that they're going to spontaneously sprout long insect legs from their torso and devour me. When you're that solid, you practically have an exoskeleton.

Anyway, I love that this whole innuendo thing was further brought over the top when Ambreal showed off her eaten mango. Here's how to really sell that:

I think the Foundation of Mango Awareness (FOMA to you) should totally use that for their next print campaigns. They could really tap into a whole new demographic. You're never lonely if you've got a mango in the house. That's what my grandfather told me, anyway.

Oh, and how awesome was Ebony's pitch?

"It's hot, moist and...really what you want." Those with dirty minds will think that it sounds not like she's shilling a "water-heater-upper," but a sex toy. I'm way too chaste for that. To me, it sounds like she's selling a...

...drooling dog's head. I guess, in fact, that could be used as a sex toy. It is, after all, really what you want. So never mind what I said above.

5. So this:

...was inspired by this...

...right? It couldn't just be a wonderfully appropriate (what are they trying to say about Top Models?) slash woefully inappropriate (what are they trying to say about Africans?) coincidence, right?

I loved that Bianca fucked up so much. Ebbsite? I bet they post a lot of flowcharts on that.

Also, during the Heather/Jenah/Ambreal commercial...

..."If a family member had AIDS, what would you do to help? What about 40 million of them?" First of all, I think I'd give up. Way to overwhelm me. Then I'd make sure to spay and neuter every member of my family. Forty million is way too many relatives. You'd never get through Pollyanna on Christmas, for Tyra's sake!

I did love that the Keep a Child Alive rep was totally Miss Geist from Clueless with two dashes of Lily Tomlin:

"We do not do prevention. We do AIDS treatment." Lighten up, lady. God, she acts like being accused of avid barebacking or some shit.

6. I love that someone as seemingly meanspirited as Bianca has mastered the art of smiling with her eyes.

It just goes to show how easily manufactured that shit is. Smiling with your eyes doesn't come from your soul. It comes from your diabolical will to rule the world.

That's why Tyra's so good at it.

Ah, there's the Bianca I know and love. The last frame of that sequence is this:

She doesn't even need to get her fingers involved to make her mouth look like a vagina. Take that Sarah Silverman! Bianca's mouth: like vaginas and just as flappy.

Also, by looking at that shot, it strikes me that Bianca looks kinda like Tay Zonday, especially since Tay Zonday looks so lezzie:

Look, the resemblance is uncanny, right?

She's so resigned to her fate as a musical genius.

Finally, I love that she painted parentheses around her mouth for the Keep a Child Alive commercial. Because whatever comes out of it is of little consequence, anyway.

Or maybe she was just drinking Kool-Aid and forgot to wipe.

7. There's no Pretty Party/Questionable Beauty Bash this week. That was kind of handled in the Blowjobface parade above. But if you need your fill of fug, here's more of Jenah's hair:

The shot on the left is from the beginning of the elimination ceremony and the shot on the right is from when Jenah was given her picture. In that span of time, her hair just wiggled out of captivity. I think it's living.

I think that she should start to embrace its awfulness and put it to work. It looks like ramen noodles at times. Why not feed the hungry with it?

(Those are the type of chopsticks that come filled with soy sauce. I think Jenah's a little too self-possessed to provide condiments.)

A pair of meatballs can make any hairdo a little more special and a lot more yummy!

Provide those suffering with a the gift of music by leasing your hair as a harp:

Or add it to the compost heap out back. It is, after all, a green cycle!

And why stop with helping your fellow man? Why not extend your magical hair's services to all creatures great and small? Do you know the statistics regarding how many albino rats' tails have been cut off by carving knives? Me neither, but I hear stories. And because of that, Give a Rat a Tail is my new pet project.

Finally, with that hair, I think she could tie and sew up people's genitals so that AIDS doesn't spread. You know, just to pick up the slack of the non-prevention-doing Keep a Child Alive.

Oh, but for a second I really was into Jenah, and it was while she was in motion and everything:

Fucking breathtaking. And then she said, "That's it?" after Jay told her, "Good job," and I hated her all over again.

8. Did you have any doubt that Heather could turn out a full-on picture?

Her doubt over this was the craziest thing about her so far. And what about her looking so disarmingly sexy during her interviews this episode?

That isn't smiling with your eyes; it's masturbating (others) with them. Love her times infinity!

9. And what about this shit?

OK, different angles. Isn't that what this show teaches you? Know your angles?

They might as well have just gone all the way:

Can you believe the change?!?!

If Sarah says she isn't losing weight, she isn't. I love how Nigel's criticism basically amounted to, "Well, stop looking like you're losing it." You know, "Reach into my eyeballs and fiddle with the cones to make things right." I wouldn't do that if Nigel promised me a blow job after. No, not after he said, "The camera loves her," for the millionth time this episode. I'm not gonna throw a fit, but just know that Nigel is dead to me and I don't have oral sex with corpses.

10. Jaslene's "My Life as a CoverGirl" was particularly incoherent this week, no? I'm just gonna start making up what I think she's saying. Like this:

I did catch "Wet Slicks Fruit Spritzers eh Fruit Shine without all that stickiness." I'm sure you want that for your email alerts and Halloween parties and whatever.

11. After all that went on this week, combined with my past of being an avid Mortal Kombat player combined with the knowledge that completing the task suggested in the photo below is just a Photoshopped hammer to the dome away, I have one thing left to say to Tyra:

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Comments

[Blake]

Numero Uno Baby!

Great Recap!
Hear/See/Speak No Evil!

[Raignn]

Simply glorious as always. Poor Jenah, she's quickly getting the hamster hair Brit had.

[Matthew]

The best part... "Extenstions are fierce"

[winston for president]

Blargh. Did not need to see Ambreal's crotch (sort of). At least I'm awake! And thank goodness for the tag of the jeans covering that one girl's ass crack.

Um, Tyra? Maybe if you hadn't given Lisa that haircut and told her to smooth it out, then she'd know what the hell to do.

Also, I love Ebony.

Awesome recap! And I did not know that they made chopsticks infused with soy sauce. Awesome.

[Jess]

Love the file name on Jaslene's attempted product name ... oh man, I about died laughing when I heard the sheer amount of s's in what she had to say. And I think Jenah's second hot shot (of her life, obvs) kinda looks like a blonde Regina Spektor. But I still refuse to like her and her ratty (literally now!) hair. PS, you're fantastic.

[Jamie]

Best review this season! PLEASE create an online store and start merchandising the Ambreal/Mango poster RIGHT AWAY!!!

[mel]

"Ebony, after going through your film, I've concluded that Tyra Banks is an asshole."
- just...genius. This review today was one of your best of the season...um, cycle - thank you for helping me express my outrage at Tyrant and at the same time making me laugh and smile by the end. If only you knew how important these posts were to my monday morning grind! What? No life? ....yeah.

[Brandon]

Rich, you have basically become the highlight of my week. Awesome as usual!

[Jere]

Best recap yet!

[Ms. Pants]

Jesus McFuck. You used "exoskeleton" without effort *and* threw in a Rock of Love reference.

I'm not worthy.

[maria]

I think Tyra should now be Tyrant. Has anyone said this already?

[David]

I love how everything is falling apart for Tyra and her ridiculous judges.

First, Victoria makes Twiggy look like a moron.

Then, Sarah makes Nigel look like he has cateracts.

And finally Ebony doesn't want to play these silly games.

It's just so grand. Tyra has gotten so insanely arrogant it's sad. I can't wait for the Klum-ster and Project Runway.

[Reese]

"And applying make up called bllabllulala..."

ROTFL!!!

And, thank you, thank you, thank you Rich for pointing out Tyra's ultimate hypocrisy in her "quitters" philosophy. She certainly didn't mind quitting her musical career!

But, then again, neither did I. That mess was awful!

[ihaveneverinmylifeyelledatagirllikethis]

awesome. I'm glad you were just as appalled by Tyra's "you can't break up with me, Ebony, because I'm breaking up with you!" as I was.

[LaSexorcisto]

"Ebony, after going through your film, I've concluded that Tyra Banks is an asshole."

Touchè. But it's not like we didn't know that already. Plus they did it twice in this episode. Lisa got praised by Mr. Jay as one of the best and they chose a really boring picture. Yet more mental mind-fucks courtesy of the Cult of Tyra.

I was hoping you'd had an animated GIF of Tyra's rapid blinking when Ebony told her she was leaving. Bitch was full of rage...and ribs

I thought it was dumb that they chose the winner of the Mary J Blige photoshoot by drawing a name. I was surprised that they actually had Matthew Rolston in there. An actually legit photographer?

Ebony, in memoriam. (cue to grainy footage). I'm glad you refused to play Tyra's bullshit games.

[Francine]

Luv your Jaslene voice, just about spewed coffee all over my keyboard here...

[brooklyn]

I like how you said "Nigel is dead do me and I don't have oral sex with corpses"
Freudian slip?

[blah]

I seriously hated that photoshoot. It looked cheap as fug, and really the aluminum cans couldn't distract from Heather's big schnoz. It also bothers me that she constantly gets the viewer votes because of her "illness" and pity from people. She is not attractive, but overall it doesn't matter because these girls go on to do nothing.

Two other things that bother me: what happened to Tyson and why does he look nothing like he used to, and 2) when are the Pips going to come and join Gladys?

[PJ]

This recap was borderline amazing...

[Chris]

"Change your ways, Jesus Lady"...LOL! Everybody check this out:
http://www.startribune.com/1526/story/1508796.html
Rich rules!

[Allison]

I'm a high class callgirl, you can tell by the skinniness of my arms.

I love you more each week!!

[Sarah G]

I can't take it anymore! "My Life as a CoverGirl" made me have full out second-hand embarrassment for Jaslene (is it third hand if it's through a TV?). If they ever do a remake of Voyage of the Mimi, Jaslene is the best pick for a new more-urban Sallie Ruth.

[kdub]

Almost spit Bartlett pear on my monitor at the "You don't want your balls to be hurt!" comment.

[Brian]

I love Mondays! My sides hurt from stifling my laughter.

[spoil sport]

Mango does not equal apple.