Whoregoyles

And now, with me out of the way here's more...me. Kinda.

37. Ambreal

What better way to mourn the death of the velour tracksuit than by wearing one?

38. Ambreal

I'm sorry, I'm not buying Ambreal's fear of heights. First of all, with her hair like that, she looks like an urban contemporary Christian artist whose music is in the vein of Yolanda Adams. God don't like phobias. Second of all, in the shot above this, she's dressed like J.Lo circa '03 meets an extra in the bar scene from Star Wars. I don't believe anyone capable of vaguely looking like a fictional character that may or may not hurdle through space is afraid of heights. Sorry. And third of all, she wasn't afraid enough of heights to do this:

Sorry, Ambreal, I'm not buying your character development. Try something more tragic. On the up side, if there's ever a remake of The Karate Kid 2 featuring a young black female, Ambreal's crane makes her a shoe-in for the role. I really get the feeling that she is the man who would fight for my honor.

39. Lisa

With Janet leaving, Lisa knows that things are about to get hairy. I'm talkin' about downtown! ('Cause, ya know, Janet does Brazilian wa...aw forget it!)

40. Ambreal

If Ambreal does pursue the career that her hair is begging her to, I think she should change her name to "Whiney Winans."

41. Janet

Someone brilliantly pointed out in last week's comments that Janet's makeover hair is more Janet from Three's Company than anyone else. Wonderful. In light of that, my advice to Janet is: don't think of it as an elimination, think of it as a step that is new. The kisses are about to be hers and yours and his! That's exciting, right?

42. Saleisha

It's official -- in order to cry properly, you have to hold your hand up to your face. I'm gonna see how many in a row I can wrack up with hands in frame. You know, I gotta keep it fun for myself. Oooh, project!

And speaking of faces, here are a few:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "You can get so much by goin'...

Like, look. 'Can I have some of that candy?'

'Can I have some of that candy?'"

Ebony, I hope you are listening! You can get so much from putting on a happy face. Candy! Candy can be yours!

But really, I doubt Tyra ever, ever asks for food like this or asks for food at all. It's probably more like, "Tyraaaaaa hungraaaaaaaaay!!! Candy nooooowwwwww!!!" And even still, I don't care if you have the Blowjob Face of the Milennium: no, Tyra, you can never, ever have some of this candy.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - "One thing, like a big lesson: when you guys have on any type of big shoulder pad that's covering your neck, you gotta pull up. Because it takes away your model...

Actress...model. You wanna be a model."

I'm really hoping that it's editing that's pushing Tyra into the wonderful world of Nonsense this time because I have no idea what she's trying to imply about actresses. Hollywood is full of hunchbacks? I suppose they don't call her Demi "Quasimodo" Moore for nothing. Whatever, Tyra's been both so I guess she knows. I would like to add one more designation to this list just to be fair:

Tyra Banks, model/actress/ham

Tyraism of the Week No. 3 - (Piggish squealing about Heather)

See? I told you she was ham.

1. How much did I love this week's posing challenge? It was on ice! Ice! You know that any single piece of pop culture has reached its high point of campy saturation when they take it to the ice.

I love Heather's legs in this picture. You know the rare instances in the Muppet movies in which we got to see the full bodies of the muppets? She is so rocking the Gonzo bow-legs. I think her assigned emotion was "purple hooked-nosedness."

Every cycle, they find a new way to bark relatively common emotions to the girls who proceed to almost uniformly show out of touch they are with the foundations of the human condition (I think that being on this show gives you a mild form of autism). But this time they did it on ice! Ice! ANTM, you really know how to melt my heart ironically.

Anyway, what follows are the expressions the girls were assigned, and my interpretation of what their expressions actually bespoke:

Janet, assigned emotion: anger

Expressed emotion: Confusion over the editors' insistence on comparing her haircut to the wrong photo of Liza:

It isn't that she's not Liza-esque, it's that she's so not Cabaret Liza! She's more bloated, trainwreck, addiction-gene referencing Liza:

It's OK, Janet. I was confused, too.

Jenah, assigned: sorrow

Expressed: Longing to chew on the hay that's covering her head

Sarah, assigned: anger

Expressed: Piousness, for Jesus died primarily so that you could ice-skate

Bianca, assigned: joy

Expressed: Satisfaction after checking her thighs out in the mirror and liking what she saw.

Chantal, assigned: joy

Expressed: Distaste for the petroleum that's covering her teeth

For real, that smile is way pageant-ish, and more than that, it's child pageant-ish:

Between this and the way she worked that trampoline in the video above, I'm beginning to fall in love with Chantal.       

Heather, assigned: anger

Expressed: Regretful after the all-too permanent hysterectomy

Lisa, assigned: sorrow

Expressed: Anguish over the fact that I did not mention in last week's recap that her hairstyle is straight-up Pigford Poodle.

Sorry, Lise. You can only fit so much commentary in 10 minutes. Blame YouTube.

Saleisha, assigned: joy

Expressed: Anticipation...Ratburgers for dinner tonight!

Ebony, assigned: sorrow

Expressed: Disapproval. She's looked into those 100-calorie snack bags and realized that you're paying out the nose for portion control She's onto you, Nabisco!

Ambreal, assigned: joy

Expressed: Joy, but not of the generic sort. I get the impression that her joy comes from the fact that tampons allow her to ice-skate worry-free. Ah, tampons.

2. In addition to the girl-generated comedy, many wonderful things came from this exercise:

- We got to see Danielle.

I love that it's fairly obvious that she changed her name to obscure her association with the show (which some casting agents feel takes away a model's marketability), and yet, here she is with her name...on the show. I think, in some Newtonesque spin, when the space in her teeth was eliminated, the opposite reaction was that space in her brain opened.

I love that she was introduced by Benny Ninja as an expert and preceded to offer these helpful words: "My biggest advice to you is just have fun. Don't take yourself too seriously. But at the same time, remember your poses and your face. And listen to the experts." So, basically, "My biggest advice to you is listen to my advice." I can hear the thoughts whistling through her head.

- This Seventeen lady (whose name I can't be bothered to look up, not that she deserves it anyway)...

...said this: "Ebony, your sorrow was as corny as a cornfield. It was cor-ny!" Consider, for a moment, that words are the commodity in which this woman trades. Her comment is as dumb as a dummy. It's duh-uhm!

- Finally, there so much saltiness after Lisa won! Ha!

These girls are as salty as a Saltine. They're sal-ty!

"I'm really happy for Lisa, though. Um, I didn't think she did that well, but I'm really happy for her for winning," says Ambreal.

Not that you could tell that she's happy or anything. Hey, Ambreal, did you ever consider that you didn't win the expression challenge because you suck at expressing the emotions you're trying to?

3. Of course, maybe the greatest thing (greater than a greater-than symbol, at least...it's guh-reat!), is once again getting to spend time with Benny Ninja.

Twice in one cycle! He's totally a regular. This is how Miss J started, too. See those stairs in the background of the gif above? Don't be surprised if Benny pushes Miss J down them in the near future to nab J's permanent spot on the judging panel. Ere this cycle does wane, the classic Showgirls syndrome will strike yet again!

You think I'm kidding but Benny is really getting himself in there. He's got a title now and everything!

He's just adorable.

Whenever I see that head-tilt and Cheshire smile, I just want to put a small hat on him. I know, I know. I did that before, but my response to his impish glee is practically Pavlovian.

But you know why I really think he's a permanent fixture to be? This bit of advice: "Your smiling? Too much of this...

...Remember, you don't have to CHEESE so much or show your teeth in order to get that point across."

What makes this notable is that Benny's "CHEESE" expression is virtually identical to that which was on his face when he greeted the girls at the ice-skating rink:

A subscriber of the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do method of model advisory? He's absolutely perfect for this panel.

4. OK, so what the fuck is wrong with Bianca?

"We see Benny and everybody's just smilin' 'cause Benny makes you just feel nice!"

"I love Danielle! Oh my god, like, this is so cool!"

"This is like summer camp! ANTM summer. (Coos)"

Who pissed rainbows into her cornflakes? Why the hell is she so joyful? Because she was assigned to be? Even when she wasn't being sickly sweet, she was at least endearing by way of sounding like Little Edie Beale: "It is gonna be weird when they come back home. I don't know why." (Seriously, the slightly defeated, slightly airy way she near-sings, "I don't know why," is the most Edie thing about this show since Jade's head-coverings.)

I have no idea why the formerly stank Bianca is coming up roses. If I had to guess, I'd wager it has to do with a few sips of this:

I was seriously relieved when she brought the stank back:

It's not that I want to see Lisa suffer, it's just that it felt like the order of the universe was restored. Also, I am a huge fan of backlit ears.

5. And yeah, that's right, I don't want Lisa to suffer. I kinda like her now. I love that she didn't get all cheesy in response hateration of the Saltines and I triple love that her resulting rant included...

"I'm not here to make friends." Unlike "the camera loves you," (which wasn't said this week!), I never get tired of hearing that phrase. It's what makes a reality show a reality show.

Also, I'm very interested in what Lisa means by, "I feel myself...focusing in on my problem areas." I'm like Natasha after hearing that that: I feel myself American...and horny!

So yeah, I'm pro-Lisa. Sure, she's kinda dumb, but at least she's smart enough to not take the Pigford Poodle lying down:

Better, right?

On top of her consistently amazing pictures, she also is inherently amusing in her ability to look like Mr. Burns for select split seconds:

(Shout to Rocco for pointing that out.)

But Lisa better step aside if she thinks she's the hottest in the bunch. There's someone far more...excellent...

Some people pity those who are condemned to walking this earth with terrible fake hair; I throw them a party. This week's Questionable Beauty Bash is an all-Jenah hair edition. I did it last cycle for Brit, seriously, the shit that Jenah has attached to her head deserves its own country, much less a pictorial tribute. This is the least I could do to honor such an achievement in cruelty

Kidding! That last shot is of Britney Spears at this year's VMAs. Jenah just looks like a meth-addled societal trainwreck.

I love how the judges told Jenah to pull back her hair...

...and were all, "That looks better!" Better's still a bottle of leave-in conditioner and a meadow of yellow snow away from good.

And that concludes this week's Questionable Beauty Bash.

6. Except not really.

OK, so sometimes for effect, I'll take a shot of someone between expressions because it's just funnier. I know, I know, it's cheating, and I try not to do it too often unless it's just too great to pass up. Such is the shot above. However, it's relevant because that weird coma face that Jenah's rocking above was merely part of the process of arriving at this:

I don't think that she knows right from wrong when it comes to her appearance. She's like a superficial sociopath.

7. And here's someone who knows exactly what to do with her face:

You know, I wondered if I should mention all of Heather's weirdness at all, since it's driven by Asperger's (have you heard?). But I'm sorry, anyone who spazzes randomly over temperature is fair game. Plus, you know, Chantal has some sort of genetic...thing happening and I make fun of that! Kidding. But yeah, I do find Heather's quirks ultimately endearing. Sure, they're mostly a result of her Asperger's, but everybody's got their shit that makes them them. Consider this a celebration of individuality!

Or, uh, not.

The only thing better than Heather's bout on the trampoline...

...is Heather's bout on the trampoline in reverse...

And probably the only thing that could make that better is watching it...on weed.

8.

Hey Ambreal, you're looking a little corporate.

That's better.

9. It strikes me that I see Mike Rosenthal more often than I see most of my relatives.

And I'm OK with that. Unless, of course, you happen to be reading this and you are one of my relatives. In that case: hey! I miss you! Did you know my birthday is soon? True story!

10. Nigel told Ebony to do this:

They're trying to tear this girl apart. Don't listen Ebs!

Totally loving Ebony right now, btw.

11. And, like I said above, Chantal is awesome. This:

"Is it really that time?" Bless her seasonally deficient heart. She's spacier than a spaceship. I mean spay-sey!

12. Here's your challenge for the week. Say, "Line Exact Liquid Eyeliner is perfect for a dramatic look" five times fast.

It's like they're fucking sadistic with these My Life as a CoverGirl scripts. Y'all know the girl can barely talk. Her tongue is seriously gonna end up writhing out of her mouth. I fear for the day when she has to talk about Outlast Pressed Powder.

13. OK, so Janet's leaving which is no big loss.

(Also: not a gargoyle. An expensive whore in a swimming cap, maybe.)

Anyway, pre-season, I nailed her (not like that!) when I said she was like an aunt. She totally is with her notes...

(Way to go, show, for building up Janet's character by using footage from last week's show, when Victoria was still in the house.)

Also? Her description of the "funky, like, busy clothes" she, Ebony and Lisa wore on the prize shoot was very aunt, if not grandma. And I love that she said that the girls are into "patty-cakin'."

What the hell does that mean? Like, literally, or in the Roger Rabbit-sense of the word? Either way, why can't we see that footage?

14. Not that Janet's note was unfounded.

What pigs! I would like to nominate the last photo for the Post-Blowjob Non-Face of the Week Award. Because there is one. Didn't you know?

Also...

Does Lisa win this week's Blowjob Face of the Week Award, or is she merely getting into the Halloween spirit? It's up to you!

Oh, what am I saying? No it isn't. The answer is: all of the above. And since she's so festive, I'll give her a little hat, too. This time, it's a Freddy Krueger hat.

Small hats for all!

Comments

[ellen]

Brills, as usual. Thank you Rich. Thank you. The beret is truly priceless.

[WadeCryBabyWalker]

OMG, "Fat Camp" girl in the intro clip! We love her!

"Are you from Alabama?" "NO!"

[jtalia]

FASTER

[Shannon]

You should do one shirtless... you are hot! LOL I must say that your bf is one LUCKY mother...

In all seriousness, it's odd... when you do a video blog you come across different, less snarky, I think. I'm not sure why but I don't have as many 'laugh out loud' moments as I do when I read your blog.

[claire]

RICH -- Do what you want, man! We will never get tired of you. xxoo

ps If you get an Amazon wishlist, I will totally buy you something. So get one!

Thanks for the great recap - and most especially for the jon stewart half-baked throwaway reference. it made me want to go to the planeterium - on weed.
i'm surprised you didn't mention heather's sudden turn to critic.
i know tyra likes her plus-sized girls, but the (size 6?) sara has got to go. she looks like she has to run out of the photo shoot at any minute to go pick the kids up from soccer.

[k_dc]

Rich, the camera loves you! And so do I.
*mwah*

[Chrissie P]

Friggin hilarious boy. Heather is too hot for the others right now. She needs to get her aspergers loving self to the top of the pile. I want to see her attempt .My Life as a Cover irl.' Fit.

[kiki]

i am so glad you animated Heather's eye-roll; when i was watching last week, i yelled "fourfour!" and i guess you heard me.

but
BUT
you have yet to point out Ebony's flintstone-like 5 o'clock shadow. we here on my couch have been dogging her ashy face for weeks, yo!

[waitress13]

Jenah is actually what is known as a HiGummer. Like when she smiles, you can practically see her sinuses because her lip rides up way, way over her teeth. Like when she really throws it out there, you get small part teeth, BIG part gum. Anna Nicole had the same affliction and I always wondered why someone didn't stitch down that top lip so it didn't spring out of control every time she smiled.

I also feel the need to scream "OH MY GOD HIGUMMER!" when I see someone on TV that has this.

I love you Rich. More video. Wait! More video with Winston also. I want to cup his head in my hands and give him Eskimo kisses.

[Lea]

Oh Rich, the greatest thing happened to me this weekend and I know you are the only one who could share in my excitment...I MET BENNY NINJA!!!! He is just as cute and adorable in person and he was one of the nicest people. He also told me he would be on ANTM again next month. YAY!!

[MichaelTLH]

So much awesome. So few minutes. Moar video!

[Reese]

I was wondering if you were going to mention Bianca's "Is that makeup breaking out your face" bitch moment. I knew it wouldn't slip by you.

Okay, I don't know what happens with Ebony in front of the judges, but at the shoots she's total diva! She has the attitude along with great modeling to back it up. Gor-geous!

Also, am I the only one who thinks Sarah looks like Katte Sackhoff (aka Starbuck from Batllestar Galactica and Sarah (a-ha!) from Bionic Woman)? Maybe it's the short blonde hair, but she reminds me of Katte Sackhoff for some reason. Like she looks like Starbuck 10 years from now with 2 kids.

Meh. Just my observation.

[Leigh]

Loved your intro, but I must say, I would have loved to see Ebony's "sorrow" again. That was the funniest/worst thing I've seen in ages.

I think you should definitely use the video element as another tool to get your opinions across. I bet there are some things that words don't do justice to and video is needed to get the point across. That's why you post the clips, so why not do it for yourself as well?

[Andrew]

Love your t-shirt! Björkier than a Björk...Björk. Björk-y!

Fantastic recap (as always)! :D Nice catch on the Eva comparison (which I first thought after seeing Lisa's makeover).

Yay for the (occasional) videos! Especially ones with gratuitous displays of the awesomeness that is Winston. Oh god. And the less-than-subtle nipple tweak + moan?!?! O_o *flails and dies*

[ChantalLover]

Thanks for jumping on Team Chantal? Best decision of the fall and spring!

[yourmother]

Rich, if I wasn't so against sexual harrassment, I would love to cop a feel off you in the office. Just putting that out there.

Small hats for all!!!!

[Joanie4eva]

Wow, this was amazing! Feels like the old times, when ANTM was on the peak of it's life and Jade and the mighty sauropods still roamed the house!

perrrrr-fect! :)
please do continue with the hat adding addiction :P

[finding the filth]

you broke me at gonzo legs.

[Jess]

WINSTON!

No, but seriously. You're awesome. (Check out that ice skater's face as he lifts Sarah, the 'plus-size' girl ... hee.)

[summer]

i liked lisa's eva poodle hair. (am i in the minority?) Much better than her wet plucked chicken look or the flattened out do she rocked at panel.

thanks for showing the actress/model morphing. i love it when tyra shows us how easy it is to move from one field to another with a simple hunch or concaving of the shoulders.

[Toothy Tile]

Rich, if you're going to put your nipple close to the camera, it should not have your shirt over it. I vote for you to be shirtless next video.

Also, that link to Britt's hair fiasco brings back such good memories. I really liked Kowl.

[Emma]

You're amazing. Thanks for making my monday yet again!