Fit to be Fat

Remember Dianne?

I don't even know why I'm asking because, duh, of course you do. If you don't, I question not your brain's capacity, but your capacity for love. Dianne, the sniveling, towel-dropping, air-conditioning junkie that she is, stole our hearts, didn't she? A year and a half after Fat Camp, the two-hour special that introduced the world to Dianne, first aired, she still regularly pops up when I check my traffic stats to see what searches led people to this blog. The comments of my original post are relatively active. Here are two of my recent favorites:

I have a new myspace for my fans and an album coming out. Check up on me. Love Diane.

http://www.myspace.com/dianefatcamp

Posted by: Diane | September 28, 2007 at 06:23 PM

Obviously this is fake (learn how to spell your name, fake Dianne!), but I could fantasize for...minutes about a Dianne album featuring such hits as "Chillin' Out (The Freon Song)," "I've Fallen for You Three Times (And Twisted My Heart Four)," "Home-School Drop-Out," and, duh, a cover of "Sweet Home Alabama."

And here's the other recent comment that I love:

whoever it was that asked if this place was real...

YES. CAMP POCONO TRAILS IS A REAL CAMP.
iv been going there for three years and geuss what guys Dianna was so happy this summer. when is fat camp 2 being aired?

Posted by: weenie | November 04, 2007 at 06:54 PM

Happy? That doesn't sound like her! I'm so disappointed.

Anyway, the most important part of this comment is the last: all signs point to an imminent Fat Camp sequel. In fact, it was supposed to air this weekend. Rocco texted me the heads-up, I checked the listings and Fat Camp 2 was set to air twice on Sunday and once Monday. When I attempted to watch it Sunday afternoon, my DVR hadn't stored it. Queer, but not impossible -- my DVR regularly asserts its dominance over me. If it's not deleting my shit, it's neglecting to tape it or flat-out humping me. FACT! I checked the other times it was supposed to be on and it was no longer listed -- a title search yielded no results. WTF? The only information I could dig up comes from the Television Without Pity Fat Camp forum full of irate posters (duh, it is TWoP!) who encountered the same problem I did. Someone claims that "Return to Fat Camp is not going to be on this weekend. New airdate is Dec. 1." There's no source linked and there's no info on MTV's website, but here's hoping it's true. I'm feening for a second shot of Dianne.

Oh, and speaking of MTV reality and bizarre Internet phenomenons (and shots, for that matter), a few people have asked me if I was going to write about A Shot of Love With Tila Tequlia. My answer is HELL NO. This show is a cheese-grater to my moral fiber (which just happens to be made of...cheese). Anything that could turn garbage reality dating into an excruciatingly boring weekly hour is fit to be my arch-nemesis. I don't know if I've ever witnessed worse casting on reality TV -- I can't even work up the schadenfreude to enjoy these assholes in the most debased capacity. The editing is similarly dire. You know you're providing a great disservice to society when you make 51 Minds' patented fare (Flavor of Love, I Love New York, et. al.) look polished, clever and even high-brow.

The biggest problem is the aggressively brain-dead and inherently pointless Tila. I mean, she's so pointless that she can't even negotiate her diminutive stature with a sense of impishness. If she's not going to dance like a leprechaun, she's useless to me. Michael K pointed out what nauseated me so much about last week's episode: her constant repetition of the catchphrase, "Are you interested?" when giving her perspective matches their keys to another week in hell in the competition...no wait, the first way was right. Am I interested? Not in someone with such a bland catchphrase, I'm not!

The show's only saving grace? You need to squint your eyes only slightly to be able to pretend that Tila is La Toya Jackson.

Although, I think that La Toya is waaaay too good for this shit. And that's really saying something.

Update: A source at MTV has confirmed that the Fat Camp sequel will indeed air Dec. 1. Yippeee!

Comments

[Jules]

The only catchphrase worse than "Are you interested" was Bret Michaels' version: "Will you stay in the house and continue to rock my world?"

OH, and Fat Camp 2? Don't threaten me with a good time!

Jules
House of Jules

[blueskyer]

La Toya is a sexy girl in perfect shape. I've seen her picutes on a profile on a internet luxury dating site meetrich.com for millionaires and celebrities, is it really her? I 've tried to send an email. I am not sure, but I heard that charlie sheen appeared on that site and dated a very pretty girl there. Just have a try, hehe....

[Rebecca]

You see something new every time you watch a gif of Dianne at Fat Camp. For example, I just noticed the girl in the yellow shirt who looks geniunely startled when she sees Diane sway back and forth in a vaguely locomotive manner. Why else would she twitch and brace herself as she does, having walked slowly towards the ball up until that point?

Oh, and "Are you interested" is definitely worse than anything that has come out of Bret Michaels' mouth. Except Lacey's tongue. Lacey's tongue is probably worse.

[Ethan]

Umm, this is embarrasing, but I went to school in Southern Mississippi and the week before graduation, my friends and I were dumbstruck when during dinner at a Chinese restaurant, in walked Dianne! She is married/engaged (she had a ring on and was with a dude. Also, this restaurant was a Chinese buffett and she was not kind to said buffett. I think there's a photo somewhere.

[Jacbak]

I live for Dianne!!! I just rewatched Fat Camp. So weak at the scene where she's rocking out leaving the concert. Hope she never changes.

[Joe M]

I was at a restaurant in Andersonville in Chicago recently (Swedish AND gay!) and saw that someone had left a stack of casting notices for "Shot Of Love 2" - this was a restaurant frequented by lots of cute lezzes. Apparently it's another bi-female but not Tila the next time around. I asked the waiters about the post and none of them had even heard of the first SOL with Tila. Which, of course they didn't. They have brains. I think they should do one with a bi-male, but really - you know he would just fuck all the guys anyhow and maybe make out with maybe a girl or two. Not fooling anyone, bi-guys. At all.

[Jacbak]

As for Tila, um she is not the cuteness. LaToya is way hotter. And we all know that's saying alot. And how surprising is the morality on the show? So let me get all this straight. Even though Tila is a bisexual woman they can't like men and must only be there for Tila? And everyone has to share a bed, but no one is allowed to be attracted to each other. And under NO circumstances can ANY lesbian be atracted to another. Wha???

[Lindsay]

I can proudly say that I account for a few of those Google searches. I make my friends read that post whenever Fat Camp re-airs.

[coach v]

SOL did crack me up last night--when danni, the one actual dyke, makes out with latila, "galileo" by indigo girls starts playing! what's next? "come to my window" while danni pines longingly thru the window of a stretch escalade? "constant craving" during a dinner date? and "damn, i wish i was your lover" as she is inevitably kicked off the show for being too butch . . .

[hey hey]

I totally saw that episode with Judge Judy.....

[MalsBean]

Sometimes I hate being at school! I had no idea there was going to be a Fat Camp 2!! That is truly amazing. Every once in a while my friends mention Fat Camp to me and all we talk about is how fab Dianne is. Does this mean she'll be in the second one???

[Jamie]

Tila is so busted. I ranted about that broad not to long ago on my site. I can't even have that show on as background noise, it makes me flinch.

[Jean]

I don't know why I'm watching Shot of Love. I really don't. Perhaps because I think the butch girl is hot. But I want it to be so much better than it is, which it's not, and it makes me angry.

[HatchetFace]

Oh my hell. You mean you knew there might be a "Fat Camp" sequel, and you didn't tell us until AFTER it was supposed to air? Considering MTV's complete non-marketing of the first one and its abrupt disappearance from the airwaves, I can't believe you almost played us like that! I mean, that is some cold shit.

[bob smith]

i love how you HELL NO'd writing about shot at love, yet proceeded to write about it.

i too am looking forward to fat camp 2. hope dianne gets laid on it.

<3 u richard

[Nick]

I had never watched Fat Camp until like 2 weekends ago...and holy crap, I am SO excited that there's a second one!

Dianne is the cherry on top of what was 2 hours of sheer fat-kid-bashing brilliance! Gawd...I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to live with her for several solid months...

And the director of that camp...ya know, the drill sergeant...geez, what a douche!
He reminded me of Ted Haggard. Blech!

[Parker]

Funny thing, and to reflect and expound upon what someone wrote above, in Chicago we were at a lesbo night that was recruiting lesbians for the Tila show (guess she doesn't find love, surprise!). My friend, being a whore and PhD student, went in to audition. While there she was one of 3 lesbians there among dozens of male Dbags. Our conclusion..no self-respecting lesbian would audition for that show. And seeing what kind of lesbians were recruited for the first one (polished lipstick butches ala Degeneres but with a bit more glam and hetero-leaning bisexuals) I'd like to shoot MTV in the face if it had a face.

[rustyspigot]

Damn, our TV Trash tastes are entwined. The Shot At Love show is so damn boring and pointless. Tila is a personality vacuum. Bitch can't even pretend to be interested either in the moment or in her wooden voice-overs. I'd say she's retarded, but that's not fair to retarded people.

[Amber]

Rich -

I have been a faithful reader of your blog ever since I found it when searching for Dianne/Fat Camp! Since then, I have been thoroughly entertained by your writing (and now video) brillance.

Every time I watch Fat Camp, (and that is anytime it is on and I catch it...I can never turn it off!) I am even more amazed by Dianne's sheer spunk and charisma. Even though she's not from Alabama, and doesn't like to take a shower at night, and doesn't want to die on an intertube in the lake, and figures it's time to go see her mom at the infirmary after she's twisted her ankle for the fourth time, I love her anyway, and I love you for letting me know about FC2!

[Ebonita]

YES!!! Sweet Home Alabama- yeeeeeeeeeahhhhh!
My brother, like, thought that was the funniest shit ever... and was totally right.
Peace.

[djfox]

i can't believe you all have forgotten the absolute worst catchphrase ever:

Top Design's Jonathan Adler chirping: "See you later, decorator."

THE.
WORST.

[Alex]

Have you seen what Dianne currently looks like? I am a member of a fansite on Facebook and there are photos uploaded onto the page that, it seems, she must have taken privately (and recently, as the photos are dated this past summer) and are now, somehow, public. Let's just say that after gazing upon her gorgeous come hither face, I certainly have no need for my trusted right hand.

OMG DIANNE.
SHE = COMEDY GOLD

[mer]

There is a God. Sweet Home Alabama be thy name!!!!!!
"Are you from there?"
"No!"

[HatchetFace]

I think we're all forgetting the best Dianne-ism, the chilling decree of "I knew there would be bees." She's got a 5th sense! She's like Walken in "The Dead Zone". She's clearly unable to handle the implications of her telekinetic gift and therefore has become mildly socially retarded.