Heather wasn't like other girls...
...and that's what made her awesome.
I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but sometimes when, to put it Tyraly, "not the strongest communicators" experience hardship (at least, relative hardship), their resulting emotional eloquence is enough to knock you on your ass. Such is the way of Heather, who in her exit interview said, "Since I've been here, I've learned so much. I've learned to be more confident. I've learned to not always be so self-conscious, and that not everyone's going to judge you because you were born a certain way. I think that the experience is much more than a prize." First of all, every time I listen to her say, "born a certain way," I get a lump in my throat. Second of all, to emerge from a reality show knowing that it's all about the means, fuck the end, is so amazing. In reality TV, that is tantamount to possessing the secret of joy. And she didn't have to get female circumcised or anything!
But enough joking. This is serious!
Oh, Heather, now that you're gone, I, too, weep...for the future of the crying count.
The eye redness that comes as a result of crying really really brings out her albino rat-ness. Hey, fierceness due to rabies is still fierceness.
We were never explained why Heather was drying her eyes with her bathrobe. We can only assume that she was crying. In fact, that above even death and taxes, is the only thing that we can ever assume.
Oh Jenah, you couldn't possibly be more distraught about your continuation in the competition than I am.
You know, every time a girl was eliminated in previous episodes, Heather had this sad, constipated look (or perhaps, constipated-therefore-sad look) on her face. And so, I like to think of this not as self-pity, but of ritual. And if you feel me, can I get an, "Amen?" A "Praise Tyra!" will do, too.
She really couldn't hang (more on this in a second), but it doesn't make it any less sad. Goodbye, Pretty Lady.
"Let me explain to you guys why we have a time limit that you have to be back. 'Cause at the end of that day, you'll have a job. Or you'll have a flight that you have to catch. So that's what we're testing. We're testing your time management because there's big opportunity a lot of the times at the end of those go-sees."
I actually think the intent here is sound. But before you score one in Tyra's column, consider the fact that she probably didn't invent, "There's big opportunity a lot of the times at the end of those go-sees," herself. She probably read it at dinner before the elimination ceremony. I mean, that sounds like fortune-cookie copy, no?
"There's a certain way of making a joke with somebody that you are subordinate to. No matter how famous you are, that day, that photographer is your boss."
Well, what's the way? Huh? Is it by merely implying something and not coming out and saying it? Is Tyra giving us a sly example of what she's talking about? Is she a secret genius...or just an asshole? You know, I think I've spent the past four years pondering that, and I'll happily ponder it for four more.
Also, I'm not including a picture with this one because it now feels inappropriate to make jokes regarding her appearance I think it's because I just realized I'm her subordinate. Does this mean that I get to call her "Daddy" from now on?
"Both of you guys have something when it comes to communication. Not the strongest communicators. With you, Heather, if you're so fantastic to us judges and on photo shoots, but you can't make it to a go-see, it's nearly impossible for you to book a job. Where does Heather stand in this industry?"
You know, a lot of people regard irony as this concept that is sooooo over and deserving of derision (although the anti-ironic backlash's popularity, though, is somewhat ironic, no?). Regardless, I am not one of those people and so it was with great joy that I listened as Tyra yammered about communication deficiencies only to have to dub in a line that she apparently flubbed when they originally recorded this! If you didn't listen to the MP3 above, I highly recommend it, if only to hear how cheap this show can be -- that dubbed in voice is about as classy as a clip-on ponytail. Anyway, this show does this sort of thing regularly (though it used to be really, really bad -- in earlier cycles, it often was unclear if Tyra was channeling multiple personalities or just having a really flubby sort of day), but I don't think it's ever underscored how ridiculous and hypocritical her advice often is. Editors, whether you did this on purpose or out of necessity, you are wonderful, wonderful people.
1. Hey, what was this episode about?
Seizures? Shooing away killer birds? The spasmodic flailing of children in high chairs?
Of course not! It was go-sees! And if you didn't know, everyone told you. Twenty-six times. Here is a file that contains each one of those instances. It is musical and inane, as only ANTM can be.
The most important revelation in all of the go-seeing? The inception of conversation-ender that's as good, if not better than, "Check your thighs out in the mirror! And I'm done."
Dissed and dismissed!
...you could barely tell that Chantal wasn't wearing the right color underwear. And who's to say that her bright pink underwear wasn't skin-tone? Maybe she was having a flare-up or something.)
Lu Kun was kind of adorable, right?
You know how Saleisha was being a cloying kiss-ass and said to that one lady designer, "You're so cute! I'm taking you home with me! Let's go!"? I can't really mock that because that's totally my reaction to Lu Kun. I want to put him in my pocket and have him be my constant companion, or, perhaps, my pocket pussy.
Yes, but they look best around your ankles, Lu.
Although I kinda fell out of love with him at this:
I mean, straight up, he's just saying that because he thinks all white people look the same, right? Because I've got news for you, my misinformed masturbator...
OMG, how amazing is she? She has the voice of Venus Extravaganza, and her reading ability, too! "I think I'll book Chantal for print work. Catwalk? Um, not yet." The "Um" really makes it. Even better:
And best of all? "Jenah seems to have a different kind of personality. She just needs to work on that." That's some, "I'm such a cunt, I'm not even going to bother giving you an adjective to describe your inexplicably arrogant stankness" type shit. Brilliant. The fact that at least one of Flora's designs is straight out of a La Toya Jackson Penthouse spread...
...is entirely forgivable. This lady rules.
2. And since I started with Saleisha, OMG, what a queer.
Oh m'gosh, oh m'gosh, oh m'gosh, what a queer! She's totally the type to eat something sugary and then use it as an excuse to be "hyper."
But you know what? She's such a queer that I'd be inclined to believe her that sugar would affect her so profoundly. Who needs meth when you've got a bowl of Froot Loops?
Between all the brown-nosing (like so much!) and that haircut, I think I figured out a title for her if she doesn't ascend to the crown of America's Next Top Model (even though she's sooooo winning this thing):
You know how she and Bianca had that non-confrontation between go-sees, in which she purposely didn't tell Bianca that her next go-see was on a different floor in the same building? Did you notice what she did during that exchange? It was sort of decontextualized because there was a voice over playing while she did it. But, y'all, it was freaky:
Is she some sort of woodland creature? If so, I bet she frolics in a lovely place named Kim Field.
Here's a still from that:
This way you have a larger image for the next time you want to masturbate.
3. And regarding that Saliesha-Bianca exchange, how amazing was the juxtaposition of Saleisha laughing with the designer and Bianca storming her way back into the building when she figured out that Saleisha had kinda-sorta misdirected her?
Ingenious. Congrats on mastering the split-screen effect, editors. I mean that. I especially love it when it's utilized to show how off Tyra's impressions are.
You know what, though? I love Bianca. She is so complex and abrasive and piss-and-vinegar fueled that I couldn't not love her. I was so happy that she was able to rise above her intrinsic stankness and win the go-see challenge...
...but my favorite Bianca moment, maybe my favorite moment of this episode, period, was her reaction to Heather's elimination.
You may think that Bianca was wearing her two-sizes-too-small heart on her sleeve here, but again, to put it Tyraly, she was celebrating on the inside. If Bianca had let her true feelings show, here's what her reaction would have really looked like:
Oh, and when she held Heather's face as her parting gesture...
...I bet she was sizing it up, like, "I wonder how much I could get for this at the swap meet?"
Oh, Bianca. So delightfully devious.
When I first grabbed the shot above, I thought, "Wow, all she needs is a mustache a la Snidely Whiplash to complete her look." But then I realized that she already has it. All you have to do is take her eyebrows, and turn them upside down.
4. And then there's this one:
I barely know where to begin with her. I hope that when she said, "'Cause it's like, I'm killin' it," at the start of the show, she was referring to my cornea. My left one, to be precise, because seriously, her fug is so immense that she's starting to burn my eyes.
I can't believe that she had the balls (balls that were probably covered in yellow-snow-colored, wiry, synthetic hairs) to go on her go-sees looking like this:
I mean, seriously, is it a go-see or a call to cast the Trash Heap in the upcoming Fraggle Rock movie?
I have a theory about Jenah's reliably disgusting hair:
The theory is that it could only be a better representation of her personality if it were shaven off and replaced with a giant, gaping anus. See, Jenah thinks she's so hot ("I'm a great model (guffaw)!") that she feels that she doesn't have to do anything about her appearance, that she can pull off looking like she just held up a mop. And the judges don't help: as far as we heard, there was just a passing reference to her seeming "a little messy looking" per the feedback of the designers she met on her go-sees. A little messy looking is the crotch of underwear after a strenuous workout. Jenah's a fucking travesty.
And god, what an asshole.
You know, Nigel takes himself entirely too seriously (I think he's probably the mainstay that's most clueless about the show's inherent comedy), but it's not like Jenah's ribbing was even chuckle-worthy. Because, really, that's not even what he was like. It was more like, "I'm watching you, but don't let that throw you off, even though by verbalizing it, I'm attempting to do just that." She can't even be an asshole properly!
(It goes without saying, but sans teeth = NEVER BEEN HOTTER!)
Oh and I love that her way of working it was this:
That's brilliant. Was Chantal giving you pretty-pretty-princess-ballerina lessons?
And then, to underscore her assiness, she was an ass when it was called out at judging, rolling her eyes and shit.
I guess last week, she was called out for her lack of personality (which I didn't even remember...shows how resonant this shit is in my head). It turns out that she does have a personality, and it just sucks.
Oh, and as the climax of my tirade, here's the single best screenshot of Jenah in the histrory of. America's. Next. Top. Model.:
Tracie says it reminds her of Hot To Trot, wherein the Bobcat Goldthwait-voiced horse wins the final race because his teeth are sticking out. If Jenah wins this, and I don't stab out my eyes in response, I'll be sure to repeat that joke then.
Although I will concede that she looked absolutely amazing in this week's shot, roots and all:
The shape of her face is intimidating, and I mean that as a compliment, bizarrely enough.
Still, Jenah can pull a carriage in this week's Pretty Party, which is not only an all-Heather edition, it's an all-Heather-who's-confused-and-can't-find-her-go-see edition:
She looks even better upon reflection:
You know, this incident is what sealed it for me: Heather really just can't hang. She took amazing pictures, but I seriously doubt that she could ever really get to a job, even in an English-speaking country. I can't believe that an ANTM challenge actually seems to have a practical application. I'm suffering from a mild form of shock.
And that concludes this week's Pretty Party.
5. Except is it ever really over?
I don't know if you're aware of the Underdog Lady, but she was this mentally unstable 50-ish woman who wore a quasi-Superman costume and would do weird, militaristic interpretive dance moves at all the parades held in my town growing up. I know that you probably didn't grow up in Ocean City, New Jersey, but I mention that you might know her because she was in Howard Stern's pack of freaks, back when he used to have that cringe-inducingly cheap TV show that pre-dated E!'s regular broadcasts of his radio show. Anyway, the Underdog Lady was obsessed with Underdog, of the cartoons. She wanted to be him. She would leave her hair unwashed, she said, because when it started to clump up in pieces, it "gave the illusion of ears."
I mention this because in the picture above, I think the curls give Chantal the illusion of ears. She is a Chantal spaniel.
Also, I really liked her picture this week, weird hand and all.
If you don't like it on her hip, I think she could always take it off and use it as a hat.
Verrry avant garde, no?
Oh, and she's kind of an asshole, too, all calling out Saleisha for being a kiss-ass and then turning around and kissing ass.
I don't know, though, she bugs me a lot less than Jenah does. Maybe it's that she seems genuinely sweet. Maybe it's that her teeth don't give me nightmares. Hard to say. But you know what?
She best keep her hands off my man!
6. Nigel is a pervert.
We know this, but after this episode, we really, really know this. His descriptions of working with the girls gave me herpes.
"She was giving! She wanted to do it. You tried different things. But you're not fluid in your motions. You would do a position, then you'd stop and you'd move to the next one. And I kept telling you, 'Relax yourself. Look at me. Smile.'"
"I had a lot of fun with you, Saleisha. I gotta actually say, you were my favorite person to shoot. You were very charming. You came to set with a great attitude. You did lots of different things. Really, sort of pushed the envelope."
You know, if you just slid in an "on" after "shoot" in the two critiques above, they wouldn't seem out of place at all. But here's my favorite:
Excuse me while I go loosen my esophagus up so I can vomit everything that's ever entered my stomach.
I bet he went on to suck her fingers in footage that didn't make it to air
Oh and keeping with this episode's asshole motif, Nigel's kind of an asshole:
On Heather: "She doesn't move for the camera, it's almost as if the camera just sees this beautiful thing and zones in on it." Almost as if, or not even nearly it at all? God. I love how he needs to invent fairy tails of anthropomorphism to explain modeling because Heather couldn't possibly know what she's doing, right? The best thing about that quote? His partner-in-camera-feelings, Twiggy, is all like, "Yeah!" in response. I bet they go home and sniffle to their cameras, "The only one who really loves me is you."
7. And speaking of assholes...
"She'd stick her hip out, as if she was getting ready to go to the bathroom." Uh, who sticks their hip out when they're getting ready to go to the bathroom? What the fuck does that even mean? Is he getting taking a dump confused with the Hokey Pokey? It's a common problem in nursing homes, or so I hear.
8. I figure you'll want this MP3 for your ringtoning purposes:
I don't think that anything I could come up with could possibly follow that.
Oh, but last week, I compared Tyra's butt mouth to that scene in Pink Flamingos (you know the one!). But wasn't nearly as similar as this is:
9. And finally...
I guess Tyra can get away with posing like this without being accused of looking like she's about to take a dump because she doesn't have her hip out.
But, most importantly: nice Saleisha hair!
You know, I feel like she did this to back up my hypothesis that everyone has that haircut. Thank you, Tyra. Sometimes I feel our hearts beating as one.