In-n-out 'bergers

Heather wasn't like other girls...

...and that's what made her awesome.

I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but sometimes when, to put it Tyraly, "not the strongest communicators" experience hardship (at least, relative hardship), their resulting emotional eloquence is enough to knock you on your ass. Such is the way of Heather, who in her exit interview said, "Since I've been here, I've learned so much. I've learned to be more confident. I've learned to not always be so self-conscious, and that not everyone's going to judge you because you were born a certain way. I think that the experience is much more than a prize." First of all, every time I listen to her say, "born a certain way," I get a lump in my throat. Second of all, to emerge from a reality show knowing that it's all about the means, fuck the end, is so amazing. In reality TV, that is tantamount to possessing the secret of joy. And she didn't have to get female circumcised or anything!

But enough joking. This is serious!

76. Heather

Oh, Heather, now that you're gone, I, too, weep...for the future of the crying count.

77. Jenah

The eye redness that comes as a result of crying really really brings out her albino rat-ness. Hey, fierceness due to rabies is still fierceness.

78. Heather

We were never explained why Heather was drying her eyes with her bathrobe. We can only assume that she was crying. In fact, that above even death and taxes, is the only thing that we can ever assume.

79. Jenah

Oh Jenah, you couldn't possibly be more distraught about your continuation in the competition than I am.

80. Heather

You know, every time a girl was eliminated in previous episodes, Heather had this sad, constipated look (or perhaps, constipated-therefore-sad look) on her face. And so, I like to think of this not as self-pity, but of ritual. And if you feel me, can I get an, "Amen?" A "Praise Tyra!" will do, too.

81. Heather

She really couldn't hang (more on this in a second), but it doesn't make it any less sad. Goodbye, Pretty Lady.

And, hello....Tyra.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Let me explain to you guys why we have a time limit that you have to be back. 'Cause at the end of that day, you'll have a job. Or you'll have a flight that you have to catch. So that's what we're testing. We're testing your time management because there's big opportunity a lot of the times at the end of those go-sees."

I actually think the intent here is sound. But before you score one in Tyra's column, consider the fact that she probably didn't invent, "There's big opportunity a lot of the times at the end of those go-sees," herself. She probably read it at dinner before the elimination ceremony. I mean, that sounds like fortune-cookie copy, no? 

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"There's a certain way of making a joke with somebody that you are subordinate to. No matter how famous you are, that day, that photographer is your boss."

Well, what's the way? Huh? Is it by merely implying something and not coming out and saying it? Is Tyra giving us a sly example of what she's talking about? Is she a secret genius...or just an asshole? You know, I think I've spent the past four years pondering that, and I'll happily ponder it for four more.

Also, I'm not including a picture with this one because it now feels inappropriate to make jokes regarding her appearance I think it's because I just realized I'm her subordinate. Does this mean that I get to call her "Daddy" from now on?

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Both of you guys have something when it comes to communication. Not the strongest communicators. With you, Heather, if you're so fantastic to us judges and on photo shoots, but you can't make it to a go-see, it's nearly impossible for you to book a job. Where does Heather stand in this industry?"

You know, a lot of people regard irony as this concept that is sooooo over and deserving of derision (although the anti-ironic backlash's popularity, though, is somewhat ironic, no?). Regardless, I am not one of those people and so it was with great joy that I listened as Tyra yammered about communication deficiencies only to have to dub in a line that she apparently flubbed when they originally recorded this! If you didn't listen to the MP3 above, I highly recommend it, if only to hear how cheap this show can be -- that dubbed in voice is about as classy as a clip-on ponytail. Anyway, this show does this sort of thing regularly (though it used to be really, really bad -- in earlier cycles, it often was unclear if Tyra was channeling multiple personalities or just having a really flubby sort of day), but I don't think it's ever underscored how ridiculous and hypocritical her advice often is. Editors, whether you did this on purpose or out of necessity, you are wonderful, wonderful people.

1. Hey, what was this episode about?

Seizures? Shooing away killer birds? The spasmodic flailing of children in high chairs?

Of course not! It was go-sees! And if you didn't know, everyone told you. Twenty-six times. Here is a file that contains each one of those instances. It is musical and inane, as only ANTM can be.

The most important revelation in all of the go-seeing? The inception of conversation-ender that's as good, if not better than, "Check your thighs out in the mirror! And I'm done."

"Make sure you can wear the skin-tone underwear. OK? Thank you."

Dissed and dismissed!

(Although, really...

...you could barely tell that Chantal wasn't wearing the right color underwear. And who's to say that her bright pink underwear wasn't skin-tone? Maybe she was having a flare-up or something.)

Lu Kun was kind of adorable, right?

You know how Saleisha was being a cloying kiss-ass and said to that one lady designer, "You're so cute! I'm taking you home with me! Let's go!"? I can't really mock that because that's totally my reaction to Lu Kun. I want to put him in my pocket and have him be my constant companion, or, perhaps, my pocket pussy.

Yes, but they look best around your ankles, Lu.

Although I kinda fell out of love with him at this:

I mean, straight up, he's just saying that because he thinks all white people look the same, right? Because I've got news for you, my misinformed masturbator...

...they don't.

Also awesome?

OMG, how amazing is she? She has the voice of Venus Extravaganza, and her reading ability, too! "I think I'll book Chantal for print work. Catwalk? Um, not yet." The "Um" really makes it. Even better:

And best of all? "Jenah seems to have a different kind of personality. She just needs to work on that." That's some, "I'm such a cunt, I'm not even going to bother giving you an adjective to describe your inexplicably arrogant stankness" type shit. Brilliant. The fact that at least one of Flora's designs is straight out of a La Toya Jackson Penthouse spread...

...is entirely forgivable. This lady rules.

2. And since I started with Saleisha, OMG, what a queer.

Oh m'gosh, oh m'gosh, oh m'gosh, what a queer! She's totally the type to eat something sugary and then use it as an excuse to be "hyper."

But you know what? She's such a queer that I'd be inclined to believe her that sugar would affect her so profoundly. Who needs meth when you've got a bowl of Froot Loops?

Between all the brown-nosing (like so much!) and that haircut, I think I figured out a title for her if she doesn't ascend to the crown of America's Next Top Model (even though she's sooooo winning this thing):

You know how she and Bianca had that non-confrontation between go-sees, in which she purposely didn't tell Bianca that her next go-see was on a different floor in the same building? Did you notice what she did during that exchange? It was sort of decontextualized because there was a voice over playing while she did it. But, y'all, it was freaky:

Is she some sort of woodland creature? If so, I bet she frolics in a lovely place named Kim Field.

Here's a still from that:

This way you have a larger image for the next time you want to masturbate.

3. And regarding that Saliesha-Bianca exchange, how amazing was the juxtaposition of Saleisha laughing with the designer and Bianca storming her way back into the building when she figured out that Saleisha had kinda-sorta misdirected her?

Ingenious. Congrats on mastering the split-screen effect, editors. I mean that. I especially love it when it's utilized to show how off Tyra's impressions are.

You know what, though? I love Bianca. She is so complex and abrasive and piss-and-vinegar fueled that I couldn't not love her. I was so happy that she was able to rise above her intrinsic stankness and win the go-see challenge...

...but my favorite Bianca moment, maybe my favorite moment of this episode, period, was her reaction to Heather's elimination.

You bitch!

You may think that Bianca was wearing her two-sizes-too-small heart on her sleeve here, but again, to put it Tyraly, she was celebrating on the inside. If Bianca had let her true feelings show, here's what her reaction would have really looked like:

Oh, and when she held Heather's face as her parting gesture...

...I bet she was sizing it up, like, "I wonder how much I could get for this at the swap meet?"

Oh, Bianca. So delightfully devious.

When I first grabbed the shot above, I thought, "Wow, all she needs is a mustache a la Snidely Whiplash to complete her look." But then I realized that she already has it. All you have to do is take her eyebrows, and turn them upside down.

Simple.

4. And then there's this one:

I barely know where to begin with her. I hope that when she said, "'Cause it's like, I'm killin' it," at the start of the show, she was referring to my cornea. My left one, to be precise, because seriously, her fug is so immense that she's starting to burn my eyes.

I can't believe that she had the balls (balls that were probably covered in yellow-snow-colored, wiry, synthetic hairs) to go on her go-sees looking like this:

I mean, seriously, is it a go-see or a call to cast the Trash Heap in the upcoming Fraggle Rock movie?

I have a theory about Jenah's reliably disgusting hair:

The theory is that it could only be a better representation of her personality if it were shaven off and replaced with a giant, gaping anus. See, Jenah thinks she's so hot ("I'm a great model (guffaw)!") that she feels that she doesn't have to do anything about her appearance, that she can pull off looking like she just held up a mop. And the judges don't help: as far as we heard, there was just a passing reference to her seeming "a little messy looking" per the feedback of the designers she met on her go-sees. A little messy looking is the crotch of underwear after a strenuous workout. Jenah's a fucking travesty.

And god, what an asshole.

You know, Nigel takes himself entirely too seriously (I think he's probably the mainstay that's most clueless about the show's inherent comedy), but it's not like Jenah's ribbing was even chuckle-worthy. Because, really, that's not even what he was like. It was more like, "I'm watching you, but don't let that throw you off, even though by verbalizing it, I'm attempting to do just that." She can't even be an asshole properly!

(It goes without saying, but sans teeth = NEVER BEEN HOTTER!)

Oh and I love that her way of working it was this:

That's brilliant. Was Chantal giving you pretty-pretty-princess-ballerina lessons?

And then, to underscore her assiness, she was an ass when it was called out at judging, rolling her eyes and shit.

I guess last week, she was called out for her lack of personality (which I didn't even remember...shows how resonant this shit is in my head). It turns out that she does have a personality, and it just sucks.

Oh, and as the climax of my tirade, here's the single best screenshot of Jenah in the histrory of. America's. Next. Top. Model.:

Tracie says it reminds her of Hot To Trot, wherein the Bobcat Goldthwait-voiced horse wins the final race because his teeth are sticking out. If Jenah wins this, and I don't stab out my eyes in response, I'll be sure to repeat that joke then.

Although I will concede that she looked absolutely amazing in this week's shot, roots and all:

The shape of her face is intimidating, and I mean that as a compliment, bizarrely enough.

Still, Jenah can pull a carriage in this week's Pretty Party, which is not only an all-Heather edition, it's an all-Heather-who's-confused-and-can't-find-her-go-see edition:

She looks even better upon reflection:

You know, this incident is what sealed it for me: Heather really just can't hang. She took amazing pictures, but I seriously doubt that she could ever really get to a job, even in an English-speaking country. I can't believe that an ANTM challenge actually seems to have a practical application. I'm suffering from a mild form of shock.

And that concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. Except is it ever really over?

I don't know if you're aware of the Underdog Lady, but she was this mentally unstable 50-ish woman who wore a quasi-Superman costume and would do weird, militaristic interpretive dance moves at all the parades held in my town growing up. I know that you probably didn't grow up in Ocean City, New Jersey, but I mention that you might know her because she was in Howard Stern's pack of freaks, back when he used to have that cringe-inducingly cheap TV show that pre-dated E!'s regular broadcasts of his radio show. Anyway, the Underdog Lady was obsessed with Underdog, of the cartoons. She wanted to be him. She would leave her hair unwashed, she said, because when it started to clump up in pieces, it "gave the illusion of ears."

I mention this because in the picture above, I think the curls give Chantal the illusion of ears. She is a Chantal spaniel.

Also, I really liked her picture this week, weird hand and all.

If you don't like it on her hip, I think she could always take it off and use it as a hat.

Verrry avant garde, no?

Oh, and she's kind of an asshole, too, all calling out Saleisha for being a kiss-ass and then turning around and kissing ass.

I don't know, though, she bugs me a lot less than Jenah does. Maybe it's that she seems genuinely sweet. Maybe it's that her teeth don't give me nightmares. Hard to say. But you know what?

She best keep her hands off my man!

6. Nigel is a pervert.

We know this, but after this episode, we really, really know this. His descriptions of working with the girls gave me herpes.

"She was giving! She wanted to do it. You tried different things. But you're not fluid in your motions. You would do a position, then you'd stop and you'd move to the next one. And I kept telling you, 'Relax yourself. Look at me. Smile.'"

"Chantal, you were a lot of fun to shoot."

"I had a lot of fun with you, Saleisha. I gotta actually say, you were my favorite person to shoot. You were very charming. You came to set with a great attitude. You did lots of different things. Really, sort of pushed the envelope."

You know, if you just slid in an "on" after "shoot" in the two critiques above, they wouldn't seem out of place at all. But here's my favorite:

"You are very stiff, and you could definitely deal with loosening yourself up."

Excuse me while I go loosen my esophagus up so I can vomit everything that's ever entered my stomach.

I bet he went on to suck her fingers in footage that didn't make it to air

Oh and keeping with this episode's asshole motif, Nigel's kind of an asshole:

On Heather: "She doesn't move for the camera, it's almost as if the camera just sees this beautiful thing and zones in on it." Almost as if, or not even nearly it at all? God. I love how he needs to invent fairy tails of anthropomorphism to explain modeling because Heather couldn't possibly know what she's doing, right? The best thing about that quote? His partner-in-camera-feelings, Twiggy, is all like, "Yeah!" in response. I bet they go home and sniffle to their cameras, "The only one who really loves me is you."

7. And speaking of assholes...

"She'd stick her hip out, as if she was getting ready to go to the bathroom." Uh, who sticks their hip out when they're getting ready to go to the bathroom? What the fuck does that even mean? Is he getting taking a dump confused with the Hokey Pokey? It's a common problem in nursing homes, or so I hear.

8. I figure you'll want this MP3 for your ringtoning purposes:

"Dry your drawers with a hairdryer!"

I don't think that anything I could come up with could possibly follow that.

Oh, but last week, I compared Tyra's butt mouth to that scene in Pink Flamingos (you know the one!). But wasn't nearly as similar as this is:

Bung-ung-ung-ung...

9. And finally...

I guess Tyra can get away with posing like this without being accused of looking like she's about to take a dump because she doesn't have her hip out.

But, most importantly: nice Saleisha hair!

You know, I feel like she did this to back up my hypothesis that everyone has that haircut. Thank you, Tyra. Sometimes I feel our hearts beating as one.   

Comments

[lamey]

I'm first! And I'm lame because I'm one of those lame people who care about being first!

[Alice]

Am I first? Yeah for me!!!
Anyway, always a joy, I am with you on the Heather pain. I will die a thousand deaths if Tootie wins. But I like Jenah. I can't help myself.

[Crazy about the girl]

I will miss Heather immensely. She was really given a raw deal. I am sure that she was not given as much direction for the go-sees as the other girls. And how come she had such a "bad" commercial and yet her Top Model of the Week spots are really good? I call conspiracy here. Saleisha is Tyra's buddy and will win this despite her less-than-pretty looks (come on, Mercedes from Cycle 2 look straight up high fashion next to homely Saleisha). Saleisha would look right only in a tampon commercial, especially with that hair. I hate this show.

[spazmo]

BEEYANKA for the win! (Aw, I know it won't happen, but the thought of it makes me happy.)

Speaking of happy, thanks to your Grinch-face/swapmeet shopper comparisons, I now possess the secret of joy!

I love your recaps but you never seem to like my favorites! (Melrose and now Jenah!) :)

[Beth]

I'm not entirely convinced that they didn't edit Heather's go-see problems. I think it's strange that it was not repeatedly discussed at panel that she only made it to ONE go-see.

Also, Jenah doesn't look like Christy Turlington, but she does actually look like Karolina Kurkova, except with even worse buck teeth. In my opinion, as long as she keeps her mouth closed, she's pretty.

[yay!]

yay!

[ellen]

DAMN IT RICH. I JUST got done drying my drawers with a hairdryer. . . damn your recaps and their ability to make me pee my pants

[Jess]

Oh man, Rich, that recap was FIERCE! Loved it, sincerely.

I guess Bianca's my only hope left, seeing as all the other girls annoy the shit out of me.

[Jess]

Oh, and also, how reminiscent of Nigel's previous season "you know me, but you don't know me" with Caridee was this season's drama with Jenah?

[Sophie]

Ugh, Jenah is such a self-righteous 18 year old, and I'm afraid she's going to win and give self-righteous 18 year olds all over the world even more reason to be assholes in the future.

[Leigh]

I will miss Heather but she needs practice being out on her own. I wonder if she has her driver's license? I always felt like Chantal was quite nice to her, like solving the too few beds situation when they got to China. Bianca, I don't like that much, but I got this weird older sister vibe from her when she was dealing with Heather sometimes, like a tough love thing. She was nice and mean at the same time.

Here's a question: The photos of Tyra they show before panel that are supposed to be in the them of the girls' photo shoot, are they shot specifically for the show or do they reuse her photos? Do they create the photo shoots based on Tyra's photos?

[Amy]

Please tell me Salisha isn't going to win. Please?!?

[Angela]

Im shocked that you didnt mention Heather's "Everything's in chinese... it's like greek to me" line. LMAO

[aurora]

oh heather...
also, awesome as usual, rich

[Haystacks]

Thank you for commenting on what a Dick Nigel is. He is like Tyra, but actually thinks he is more intelligent then the rest, which ups his pretentiousness by like, 5.

[LisaL]

UGH that Tyra pic made me gag when I first saw it. How on earth is THAT a good shot?
Anyways.... I'm sad to see Heather go :( I can understand why she went, but I would've much rather have seen Saelisha go. I can't stand her fake ass "Oh I'm so sweet" act anymore.

Also thought the dubbing was HILARIOUS at the end when talking to Heather. The dubbing had Tyra saying that she only saw 1 of the go-sees, but then when she was talking to Heather after she had been eliminated, she kept using a plural as if Heather had been to multiple go-sees.
Pretty freaking hilarious that it didn't matter how many the girls went to, b/c the judges didn't even freaking know!

[Abe Froman]

I just realized (and am probably last to the boat on this one) that this cycle didn't have (or at least didn't exploit) any lesbians or baby mammas. How much do you want to bet someone's going to whip out an "I miss my kid that my partner carried!" in the next episode?

Great recap, though I was hoping you'd grab a frame from when one of the camerawomen got caught on camera. What? They couldn't fix it in post?

[Sharon]

Wow, your screenshots are GOLDEN this week!!!! Biyankah + mustache = fierce

[Centaurea]

That sample shot Tyra did in the red dress just KILLED me.

I did have to give Heather props, though-- she wasn't scared to ask anyone on the street for help finding places, despite knowing they probably didn't speak English. I think she could get around ok with a handler. I mean, really, I doubt someone drops off Giselle in the middle of Beijing and yells "go see!" out the window.

[Wholawhoop]

Strangely, I vastly disagree with you on Jenah's attitude and look (I think she's gorgeous with a horrible makeover, and I loved her look at panel; and in light of Jaslene, I don't see Jenah's attitude as all that bad) and Heather's ability to find a job (couldn't she call and ask for directions in the real world, or have someone drop her off right there or something?).

The one thing I sadly agree with you on is that Saleisha is totally winning this.

[herakh]

usually in most reality shows such as this one, they use a lot of dubbing, maybe to clarify certain things, or add on particular statements. you can actually tell the differences, the dubbing sound very studio like.

kind of a bummer they get rid of heather. i was rooting for her, i think she's one in a million.

its kinda obvious who the winner is, they might as well give it to saleisha and end this suffering..

[Erica]

Hi. She:

talked shit about this:

??

[Cookie Crawford]

OMG..."single best screenshot of Jenah". That is so deeply, deeply DISTURBING! I am now without a compass on the show, and realize none of the girls really deserve to win. You've been saying that all along. I guess I was blind, but now I see.

When she's wilted and clumpy, Chantal looks like a porn star. Saleisha gives me hives. I'm now behind Bee-yanka because she has a great face, and am apparently the only person in America who doesn't care what a model's true personality is like, off-camera. It's not like we're ever going to have to be friends, and when I buy makeup, I don't research which model in the ads seems nicest.

[Erica]

Damn, images didn't show up.

Ok, look at the Tyra Saleisha-hair pic. Now look at this. Is Tyra's really any better???

[uhl33s]

Dude, all those things you named about Jenah are exactly why I want her to win! It would be genius. It'll come down to her and Saleisha, and everyone will think Saleisha is going to win because she's cutesy and a kissass, but then...Jenah will conqueerrrrr and cry and it will be all emotional and Tyra will be like "see, I fixed your bad personality," because that's how the show works.

[James]

Holy shit! Holy shit! I couldn't even focus on the recap after reading about "Underdog Lady." She was one of my favorite Ocean City celebrities- right behind that kid who went missing and had his face plastered on every phone pole in a ten mile radius for years. We are kindred, my friend.

[randi]

I hate when this happens in any reality show: all the ones i would have been happy with winning, are gone! now i dont care!
I guess it's my fault for always rooting for the underdog (Victoria, Sarah, Heather) so they are destined to be weird and not win.
as long as Bianca and Chantal dont win i guess i will be happy. I actually think Jenah can be pretty. The shot of her in the intro with the brown hair and closed mouth is pretty.
I have a schadenfreuden fanstasy that Chantal doesnt win and never ever succeeds at modeling and works at Marshall's for the rest of her life.

[funnyface]

She doesn't move for the camera, it's almost as if the camera just sees this beautiful thing and zones in on it.

Excuse me, but isn't this a GOOD thing for a model? Natural talent at producing amazing photos week after week. Not to mention being the only interesting girl in the competition. Oh Heather. I will miss your "funny face". As for the girls left in the competition....I kinda hate them all. I don't want any of them to win. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe horse-teeth will win. At least that will be good for a laugh (plus, anyone who mocks Nigel is a friend of mine!)

[Joey your former Watching-mate]

After Heather's loss I have decided to stop watching this mess, because frankly I couldn't care less about the people that remain.

Who could possibly be rapt at the edge of Noah's couch when it's a showdown of Tootie Squash Nose vs. the Simian-faced Venomous Monster?

Blech, even America deserves better.

[scorzi]

I know I'm going to get ragged on for this and I don't care.

My sister has Asperger's, although it's a lot more severe than Heather's. I was hoping Heather would win (although I knew she probably wouldn't) just to show people that Asperger's doesn't mean you're crazy or a freak. I know my sister has a weight problem and social issues, but I cut out the article about Heather in People magazine for her because I wanted to show her that if she really wanted to, she COULD enter contests and be successful like everyone else.

I know Bianca is young and ignorant, but the fact that she laughed at Heather and I know a lot of America laughed at her just killed me.

Don't tell me it's not a big deal, because if it was your child/relative who was constantly ostracized, you'd want to lash out at the world too. If Bianca wasn't technically a child I would be more than happy to get slap happy on that bald head of hers.

And I'm done.

[Megan]

Holy Shit, Underdog Lady was a staple at the shitty parades in my hometown in Westchester. I never knew her as part of anything Howard Stern related, only as our crazy parade lady. And now I'm off to google the crap out of her underdoggy ass.

[yo]

I feel embarrassed every time I have to look at Saleisha's hair. I hate Tyra. I bet Jenah has bad cigarrette/milk breath.

[acolyte]

"The sarcasm is Rich." OMG! Does Nigella know Rich?!

[Julia]

Thank you for the recap. Hate Biyanka. Now that Heather is gone, I do not care who wins, just not Biyanka.
Julie

PS. "Some fat dirty bitch in my bunk gave me lice."

[IcE]

Saleisha FTW!!!!!!!!!!

[Mardi]

I, like you, was sad to see Heather go, but I understand she couldn't cut it in the "actual modeling world." Thing is, though, that the "Top Models" that come out of this competition never DO any actual modeling aside from their year-long contractual obligations with CoverGirl.

The remaining girls are SO unlikable. Saleisha is like a damn midget and Biyanka is Satan in disguise. The pleasure she got after Heather was bumped off was sheer evil!!!

[N]

Saleisha has it in the bank... fuck this season, god.

And how shitty of them to kick the Aspergers girl off for being a bad communicator. Obviously she's a bad communicator. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WITH ASPERGERS. Crikey.

Bianca is a major, MAJOR bitch... I was with Saleisha on the "I hope she doesn't come in" train.

And how genius was the editing of Jenah saying "I'm not all bouncy-girly like Saleisha," then cut to Saleisha bouncing around like a total spaz, then cut to Jenah burying her head in blankets with a groan? Seriously, rewatch that, so amusing.

Calling... groan... a Saleisha and Bianca top two. They'll eliminate Jenah for her stank personality, and Chantal is such baby's breath filler (hah) that there's no way she'll make it.

[Michelle]

I need a Post-It on my laptop reminding me not to drink diet Dr. P and read these recaps, b/c inevitably I will always spew soda out my nose. With force. Especially when reading things like "giant, gaping anus." Thanks, Rich! My nostrils tingle in your honor.
p.s. Who the GD hell let Joan go out with that bad blue cover-up on her bright red face? She looks diseased! Yuck.(She's my hero too.)

[Joe M]

Heather was just so beat down by the end - she was damned if she did, damned if she didn't. The girls were a pack of hyenas, clearly antagonizing her because they knew they'd get a reaction, then turn around and rag on her for having a reaction. The whole Saliesha not sharing her double bed thing, what a cunt. And when Heather sniffled about it, they were all, "She's emotional". Then this week, in he limo, it was all, "You need to scream out your frustration!" I really think Heather's go-see malfunction was less confusion and more not even remotely giving a shit. She was gonna lose either way. I forsee a career for her, maybe not in modeling, but something.

Hold on to yer eyes, Rich - I think Jenah is on the fast track to winning. The only girl who will give her a run for her money is Bianca. Chantal, might have it in her, but Jenah takes the most striking photos - Tyra loves the ugly/pretty.

[the maljax]

I figured it out, Saleisha is Ms. J. No I'm serious here. She just has more teeth.

[winston for president]

Nigel totally dissed you. He said that you are the sarcasm!

And Bianca's smile when Heather was eliminated? I thought she was just smiling sadly to cover up her true feelings. Of complete despair. Because whose soul will she feed upon now? I kid. Bianca's fabulous. I mean, just look at her face at Jenah "workin' it."

Finally, I have this funny feeling that Heather will pwn the other contestants' asses in terms of post-show work.

[BlackRaspberry]

"Dry your drawers with a hair dryer" is now the sound my friends will be greeted with upon visiting my Xanga page.

Thanks, FourFour!

[Scott]

Hey, great recap. Congrats on your shout-out in GQ this month as well!

[bosshogg]

Am I the only one who thinks that Chantal looks like Avril Lavigne half the time? Especially when she poses with her chin up looking down her nose at you.

[RD]

1. I'll miss Heather. Someone at the LiveJournal topmodel community had her sign an autograph for the comm--and she actually did it. She's nothing like Tyra wants her to be for America's Next Top Jaslene.
2. Nigel--Top Model's first and only perv.
3. Jenah--she should've been gone in episode three for that atrocious baby's breath pic, but I'm not a judge, sadly. If she wins I'll try not to commit suicide.
4. How can I get my own pocket pussy so I can masturbate to Saliesha Reallastnameunknown in Kim Field?

[JohnnyPoMo]

I am crossing my fingers for Bianca! Jenna better be gone soon... I am so sick of her ass face! Honestly deep down inside I was praying for another double elimination last week... If Jenna wins I am writing them to change the name of the show ANFM FUG!

[LisaL]

That was Chantell RD.. not Jenah who did babys breath

[megz]

I was so sad to see Heather go!

I understand what everyone means when they say that she couldn't cut it in an "actual modeling world" ... but, please, what real world modeling situation would let you take a translator in the car, but not on the street?

I feel like the rules were set up specifically to get rid of Heather. She's just another one of Tyra's projects ... plus-sized models, single mothers, and now an Asperger girl. Tyra brings them on to show everyone how much she "cares" but you know she doesn't want them to win.

Victoria, Lisa, and Heather were my favorites. Now I hope Bianca wins -- she's so mean, I love her. But I'm afraid it will be Chantal. At the beginning of the season, Miss J said that the winner was very religious and Chantal's the only one I can think of who fits that description.

[Gretchen Weiners]

Jenah's teeth remind me of hamster teeth. All jagged and yellow. Narsty.

[John Foley]

Trash Heap reference = plus a million points.

[B]

UGH, I despise Saleisha. Now that I'm so sure she's going to win, I refuse to watch the show anymore. Saliesha is just as much of a bitch as Bianca, but at least Bianca cops to it! She doesn't try and act all cutesly and kiss-ass like Saliesha. I have to root for Jenah now, since she's the only one left that can take a good picture consistently, but really...I'm only gonna read the recaps now, since if I actually witness Saliesha win, I'm going to spew red white and blue all over my TV.

[stephanie]

this is off-topic so i'll just let you know that that was a great recap.

i'm so surprised you have not yet posted a recap on 'Return to Fat Camp'?!? i would imagine you know it aired on MTV this weekend, but if not I bet they will air it again this week. Diane was in it for very brief scenes, and she seems to have grown into her bitchiness and seemed actually pleasant! But you will have fun writing about Logan. I hope you recap!

[Kimberly]

Nice work! I am surprised though that you didn't mention the .5 people that were at the baseball game in Jasalene's latest My Life As a Cover Girl commercial.

[V]

I just wanted to let you know that Return to Fat Camp is on tonight at 5 on MTV.

[V]

I just wanted to let you know that Return to Fat Camp is on tonight at 5 on MTV.

[Francine]

The Jenah shot is like the opening cartoon credits of "Hee Haw." And yes, as another reader pointed out, the "Nigel's Pissed" thing might be a cycle fixture from now on. Just like when he shot Caridee.

[Raignn]

Now that Heather's gone, I don't even care who wins.

Loved the Grinch picture.

[Julia]

You are brilliant.

--Love,
Camera
The only one who really loves you.

[Jamie]

I think Jenah deserves to win. It's a forgone conclusion that Saleisha has it in the bag, but I would love a surprise ending. Next episode Chantal will go, then Bianca in the top 3. Showdown between Gummy and Tootie.

I think overall people are too harsh on these girls. If we all had cameras on us 24/7, while living with way too many people and way too little sleep I'm pretty sure we'd be spitting some bile too.

[barby]

Yeah, I've never been more convinced that Saleisha was going to win this thing than I was after I saw Tyra's picture this episode.

That's about as much foreshadowing as Tyra can come up with.

And thank you thank you thank you for addressing the Saleisha rat pose incident at the go-sees. I was praying that you would do something with that. You did not disappoint.

[Katie]

I was so sad to see Heather go!

Question: In the beginning, when they are rolling credits, etc., they show all of the past winners except for the first: Adrienne Curry. Any idea why?? It's been bugging me...

[Vanessa]

Alas, for Heather. And for us because I have no one to root for now. I've never been so uninvested in an ANTM finale and while that is pathetic that I ever had an investment to begin with...uhm, yeah I don't know what my point was besides I need to watch more PBS.

I'm glad you called out Jay on the hip/bathroom thing. I truly thought I was just missing the reference and was ever so slightly concerned. If you stick your hip out, wouldn't you miss the toilet? Jenah also seemed cool in the recap episode but has been dull or-worse-a dull bitch in every episode before or since. I guess I'm team Chantal since I'm so over Saleisha-gate. I feel myself missing Natasha ever morer.

[Miss Lisa]

Rich, I thought your opening paragraph about Heather is one of the best things you've ever written. She is obviously your muse. I hope she will get some modeling work because she is one of my favorite reality-show people ever. True blue, through and through.

I've thought Jenah would win from day one. I don't know why--she's got some weird charisma on camera that doesn't come through with her regular day-to-day look (and god-awful hair make-over). Saleisha and Biyanka are so boring in their photos. They are not looking sleepy, Tyra; they are making me sleepy when I look at them. Oh god--I sound like Tyra! Help meee (or over-dub meee). Oh, I forgot about Chantal. Telling.

[princemoney]

Rich i want to see behind the scenes of u writing one of these recaps. like u speaking outloud to yrself, talking about the nuances or yr gifs etc.

it would make the most amazing documentary if someone could camp out the whole season while u write them.

any producers reading this???

[princemoney]

and did heather win viewers pick every single week?

[Tyra's wig brusher]

I cant effing stand Bianca!! Her stank attitude is like nails scraping on the chalkboard of my mind! She should have gotten kicked last week for not doing that flying business. Yes, Jenah has some god awful teeth, but her pictures are amazing, she gets my vote for the win. If Chantal or Saleisha's ass wins I'm gonng blow chunks all the way to Shanghai. And I dont give a vagina frog's fat ass what Tyra or Twiggles say, there is no way that an agency would just drop a model off in the middle of a foreign country with no one to show them exactly where to go. Tyra knows she be lying! As we all know this entire show is full of shit, but telling Heather that she couldnt model because of her social issues is just unforgiveable! Like the top modeling agencies wouldnt take someone blind and mute if they were pretty enough. Chantal and Jenah remind me of Caridee and Melrose, which further tells me that Jenah is gonna win!!

[JaneGoodallOfSkeaze]

Ms Jay. Blowjob face of the entire century.

I hates me some Bianca but she deserves to win. She might be the ONLY winner in the history of this show who goes on to actually work as a model. Because that girl will kick puppies to get there. (Or just for fun)

Bye Heather. Love you!

[q]

Uh...
Bianca = Tim Curry in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

http://fourfour.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/12/02/tyra_s2sbianca.jpg
http://www.rockyarchive.org/img/rhps/RHPS-Credits-TimCurryL.png

[JimJR]

Brilliant as always. Now GQ-endorsed!!!

RIP Heather.

[Allison]

has anyone pointed out the eerie resemblance of jenah to the dearly departed dana plato? just check out her mugshot to see what im talking about http://www.mugshots.com/IMAGES/P__plato1.jpg

[milkyaqua]

Katie, re: The missing Adrianne in the opening credits. Adrianne blames Tyra for her less than successful modeling career. Revlon was the sponsor that cycle and didn't want to use Adrianne. She supposedly did some convention though and was never paid. She also went overseas for jobs but no one would hire her and she was left over there broke and had to have her family scrape money together to get her back home. Then she posed for Playboy and we know Tyra thinks that is on par with murder. Therefore, Tyra just pretends that Adrianne doesn't exist. This is just a synopsis.

Pricemoney re: Covergirl of the Week, except for the first week where Lisa won, Heather has won them all (some of us think she'll be this week's winner as well).

Saleisha is so winning this thing.

[HoBuster]

Thanks for that last closeup, Rich. You confirmed my suspicion that Tyra's Saleisha hair was photoshopped. She's trying to prove that a true top model can look fierce even rockin the Tootie shroom. And now we have only to wait for Saleisha to win.

Here's the thing, though: all allegations of cheating or favoritism aside, Saleisha will NEVER work as a 'top' model. She *does not have the right bone structure* and no amount of bubbliness or cutesiness will make top design houses like John Galliano, YSL, Valentino, or Versace hire her. She's nothing like what a top model should look like - those designers would rather see a girl who is 'unconventional' looking but has a flawless body (like Alek Wek, who works her ass off). We see Saleisha standing beside old clapped-out Tyra every week and she doesn't even measure up to that old-timey mule.

Mark my words: if Saleisha wins this thing, she'll end up doing wig catalogs, Kohl's flyers and not much else (even after she loses those baby-making thighs). I predict Cover Girl will finally wash it's hands of this mess if Tyra delivers yet another unbankable dud.

[Nic]

I honestly think Heather did make it to all the go-sees. The ONLY time it was mentioned in judging that she only made it to one was in a Tyra voice over. And Tyra said something about clientsss liking her or something. As in multiple clients. Plus, wouldn't the other judges talk about it if she only saw one client?

[yggy]

"The whole Saliesha not sharing her double bed thing, what a cunt."

God, I forgot about that. Yes, what a cunt!

I'm also sad to see Heather leave but maybe it really was for the best. She can now do modeling, art, whatever she wants. She's free!

Loved the eyebrows/mustache and grinch grin. Perfection!

[em]

biyanka looks like TO..it makes me sick. I would take trashheap from fragglerock over that stank bitch any day! and um...tyra totally has dead eyes in the "taking a dump" pic

[chiznit]

Rich, I'm disappointed in you. No My Life As A CoverGirl mention? Jaslene was even more unintelligible than usual this time. Other than that, great work...I KNEW you would point out Tyra's horrible squatting photo.

[Kim]

Plus five for the grinch face, that was spot on. I love the girl but dang she stanks! ha. Saleisha was over the top in this ep. I don't think she was over the top anymore this time than usual, just that with less girls, it was really noticeable. She is becoming like a sugar overloaded hot fudge sundae with a crappy hair cut instead of cherry on top. I mean, with all the hugs and augh your so cute, and ohh I love this. Give me a frickin break. This is ANTM, no sugary sweet allowed thank you.

Fabulous recap by the way!

[Vanessa]

Oh yah-regarding Jenah's weave. Clearly she is the Jade of this cycle. That is to say, her hairstyle seriously fugs her up. Not her fault. Also, she's a white girl and prolly has no idea how to take care of a weave. I myself am a white girl with flat ass hair and would be clueless were I suddenly to find a pound of fake hair sewn to my scalp.

[EasterBuffy]

Bianca's reaction to Heather's ousting reminds me of last cycle when Renee (or, dare I say, NeNe) glowered as Brittany sulked offstage and out of the ANTM bright light forever. Only not as nasty as NeNe's obvious glee.

I am so no longer invested in this show that I even didn't bother to watch the rebroadcast on Sunday night. I also had gone to Buddy TV to see who got the boot before the show aired (spoilers be damned! I want to know as soon as it happens) and knew the outcome, so felt free to watch without the sound. Yeah, I watch the rebroadcast, but no more! Free at last! So liberating, really. Your recaps are truly the only reason to glean the frosting from the ANTM cake. All the best to you.

you're from Ocean City! is it still a dry town? my cousins lived in Margate and we used to always go there for our boardwalk shenanigans. you should call me Daddy, not Ty-ty. thanks for reminding me of the Underdog Lady, i love that freaks like her exist. i actually miss that Howard Stern show, especially for folks like her and the Homeless Hollywood Squares, and The Hooker Hollywood Squares that was almost all tranny hookers. i could kiss you, Rich

[dodger]

And the Hunchback are defeated, i was sure they'd make it to the final and i'm perplexed as to why were left with all the mediocre models while Lisa, Janet, Sarah and now Heather have been given the boot. Dora has this in the bag I guess.
nice Hot to Trot reference, i'm glad i'm not the only one who knows of that gem of a movie.

god, between mushroom, chantal spaniel, jenahorse and walking dildo i'm not sure who i want to win. RIP heather.

nigel was kind of a creeper this episode. thank you for pointing that out.

and i still vote to have the chinese dragon on the panel permanently.

[Molly]

HAHA I totally was reminded of the grinch too when Bianca did that little smile when Heather was kicked off! I really do think here heart is two sizes to small...but it makes her kinda fantastic.

[I knoe how too spel]

I loved this, as always. I read your ANTM recaps every week, but never comment. I HAD to this week because....Venus Extravaganza!!! I just saw "Paris is Burning" for the first time this weekend, so I got the reference. It's a little sad how much that excited me, but, excite me it did.

[bobbywombat]

hahaha Goodie Tootie Shoes.. OMG I FELL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING!!

[saigon]

There's a movie about the Underdog lady called "My life as an underdog" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0494769/

Is it mean to say it looks hilarious?

Hey Rich-

Good recap... don't you just hate all of us gushing our love at you...

Now for my recap of your recap...

1) Saleisha's going to win this - I know this, you know this, Helen Keller knows this... and now that Heather's gone, I'm glad Saleisha's going to win - if only to prove that some winners on this show seriously do NOT become successful afterwards (CariDee's turning into Tara Reid, Adrianne gets a boob job, Danielle drops the elle and drops the weight)... (Thank goodness Jaslene is going to be the exception as I think she's getting a lot of post work and she's getting better as she gets more jobs). Saleisha for the win just so she can't win!

2) Bianca - I hate her, I hate her, I hate her - always have, always will... but... now I'm gonna be Tyra and be a hypocrite. I liked her a lot this episode. I didn't really see the smile at Heather's elimination the way you did Rich - someone else suggested that she was smiling to hide her sadness, and I really do think that underneath that cunt exterior lies a creamy nougat of a heart that likes Heather and you didn't show the shot that immediately followed the chin holding which represents the "keep your chin up" motion... Plus, whether it was creative editing or not, I just loved Bianca's bitchery towards Saleisha (hell just the fact that it was towards anyone else made it great 'cause Saleisha was being a dickwad). Hmmm... Bianca bitching towards America's Next Top Model - a new twisted deranged ve