I think I speak for, oh, the entire viewing public when I say...
WORST FINAL 3 EVER!!!
Whatever, at least someone's excited.
Whoa. Saleisha's wall of spaz is literally nauseating. At least I know I'm still alive!
(Truthfully, I was kind of hoping that Chantal would win so that I could make a moving wall out of this image. Sadly, it was not meant to be.)
I don't know who the fuck I think I'm kidding.
And there's so much more where that came from!
Saleisha had to cry on set and, just as Tyra advised, did it without messing up her makeup. We must have missed the part where Tyra told her to cap everything off by talking like Jaslene, 'cause for real, homegirl sounds just like the woman whose sash she's taking over. I think Saleisha needs a hearing test. And maybe a genital test as well.
After being cited as the weakest in the competition and overall most stank by her rivals (and thus: a terrible role model), Jenah broke down over a good old reversal of bitch fortune. And to think that you usually need to visit a grade-school cafeteria to witness this shit. In her defense, Jenah explained, "I don't have to spew rainbows incessantly just for girls to wanna be like me." So, so true. She can spew rainbows merely some of the time and she'll have tween admirers lining up around the block.
See? Now don't you want to be like her? I admit, I kinda do. To be able to do that at will is a gift. It usually only happens to me when I sing CeCe Peniston songs.
Careful! The slick surface will cause your eye to slide right off!
(Did I already use that joke? If so, I don't care. It's the last recap of the cycle. Suck it!)
Careful! The slick surface will cause your eye to slide right off!
(I said suck it!)
Jenah, stop making fun of Chantal. It's rude and besides, that's my job.
Now presenting: the only person in America who thought that Saleisha wouldn't make it to the Final 2!
92. & 93. Jenah and Saleisha
Every time I look at this shot of Jenah just seconds after it was announced that she was out of the competition, I hear Michelle from Full House in my head on a loop: "How rude! How rude! How rude..."
This has been her dream since she was a fetus and watched the first cycle in her mother's womb, blahblahblah.
Mostly, she was sad she'd have to give back those finger extensions. You really get attached to the pronounced pointing they allow.
Seriously, there wasn't room for a placenta thanks to the TiVo.
Mistiness lubes her up for...
98. & 99. Chantal and Saleisha
...the fall. Although, Chantal was ultimately more graceful than I expected: "I'm hurt, of course. I wanted this really bad. I really thought I was gonna win. I really believed it. But it just wasn't meant to be. This wasn't the way I'm supposed to make it. I'm gonna continue to work hard and just reach my dreams. I will." Mind you, she's just as delusional as I expected. But hey: it's the little things.
Even though these tears are for the same reason and in the same place as the previous ones, I'm counting this just because the ending was so gratuitous that it just feels right to be gratuitous right back. I like that Saleisha was "just weird" when she was little. But I like her fat braids even more than that.
You know, if she was implying that the bubbly, sanitized and Peter Pan-guy haired incarnation of herself is an improvement, she's so wrong. A million times hotter back in the day, she was.
"You're gonna make me cry!" said Tyra during Saleisha's post-winning freak-out. I figure if she did, it'd be just as fake as this so: counts!
And, as with every cycle, my accountant reader who'd like to remain anonymous has tabulated the results of the crying count:
Although after 13 weeks of having my brain slowly melt away little by little every Wednesday, I look at this and say, num...bers? What's that? Who's he?
But really, no big shock that my two favorites spilled the most tears. I really know how to pick 'em!
And, just because I'm feeling geeky, here's even more fun with numbers!
"Hello ladies! This is the second most important judging this cycle of Top Model, because we're going to narrow you from three to two. And the two left standing will be the finalists."
If my brain were melting enough to be gushing through my ears and drowning Winston, I'd still know how stupid this was. Oh really? It's the second most important judging? And last week's was the third most important judging? And the first judging was the 13th most important judging? That's how the rules of importance work? REALLY?!?!
This isn't just the second most important judging, it's the second stupidest Tyraism of the cycle. It's just nipping at the heels of, "I wanna ask you a question. It's a question about Asperger's. When you have Asperger's, I know, one of the things is a lack of eye contact. Yet still when I look at your film, you have amazing eye contact with the person that's just off in the air on the rock wall that doesn't exist. So where does that come from?" I suppose it's nice to know that no matter how much your brain melts, there's always a show show creator cum talk-show host cum former model with a kissable fat ass who's rocking ice cream soup upstairs. Thank you, ANTM, for lifting my spirit yet again!
Oh, and you wanna see what kind of discourse Tyra's numerology inspires (or perhaps was inspired by)?
"From 13 to seven to five to now three is, like, crazy to me!" Saleisha's way of counting down is, like, crazy to me. All of this is to say that Tyra, at the very least, is inspiring a nation of thinkers. My calculator hates her.
"I'd rather see a girl crying in front of me because she's hurt, because she mighta missed a lot of her childhood and being a normal girl than sayin', 'Duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh.'"
I'm interrupting this transcription to say that I would much prefer the "Duh duh duh duh duh" girl because I'm pretty sure she'd be Victoria. And I miss her so.
"Which one is more of a human being that's more likable and vulnerable? This one probably feels a lot more uncomfortable, but it's a lot more real. The other one is just, like, protection. Remember we did that photo shoot and you want to find yourself and you want to climb to the other side of the wall to find who Jenah is? (Flashback reminding you that, yes, it's possible for scenarios to be even more idiotic than the one you're currently witnessing)..."
And then, wait for it:
"...You just did."
I totally knew she was going to say that, and yet it didn't make it any less special. I'm glad Jenah found herself by realizing that she had to take care of her siblings instead of fully enjoying the luxury of childhood. Does that mean that if I think back to the days of my SuperNintendo playing and masturbating eight times a day, I'll find myself, too? Just thinking about Yoshi gives me a boner!
Tyraism of the Week No. 3 - "Go like this..."
BEST ADVICE EVER. Seriously, something like that could only help Jenah's appearance, right?
First Runner Up in the Best Advice Ever category is:
Because Saleisha just isn't cheesy enough.
"It is the world's longest runway. It is like [operatic], 'Aaah!'"
What a liar. It so isn't [operatic] "Aaah!"
"You get so stiff, like there's a rod coming from up here down into here. So you have to relax."
What Tyra's trying to say, Chantal, is, "You didn't just remove that pole from your ass from last panel, but you should." Of course, if Tyra did say that, Chantal would be confused and all, "But I like going around the maypole. And the mullberry bush."
And finally, here it is. Last of the cycle. Last of 2007!
"And I know every final judging that we have, they both really wanted. But standing up in front of these two girls, I really feel like I'm gonna crush the girl that is not going to be America's Next Top Model. Like she is going to be so hard on herself."
And you dig it, you little freak. Seriously, did you think it was a coincidence that her eyebrows referenced Ming the Merciless? At least Tyra seems to be developing a vocal awareness of her power trip. I'll take progress wherever I can find it.
1. So, people are pissed that Saleisha has a long history with Tyra and ANTM and that she possibly violated one of the rules of the show by appearing in a national ad campaign fewer than five years before appearing on the show (for the record, the CW found that appearing in a Wendy's commercial doesn't count as modeling, which I agree with entirely).
However, I think Saleisha violated another rule -- the one about being under 27.
She looks old.
Like thousand-year-old-egg old.
The hell? How sleep-deprived were these girls? You know they make them sleep very little to heighten bitchiness, but I think it just made Saleisha extra annoying. Sucks to be a cameraman!
Saleisha also does this thing with her neck that makes her look approximately 5,000.
She's like Chita Rivera or something. Actually, I have no idea about the state of Chita Rivera's neck. But if it doesn't look like that, it should.
But at least she knows how to hide her flaws. Between that and smiling with her eyes, she really knew how to play the game. Well done!
And speaking of deemphasizing your flaws...
Why even aspire to symmetry, you know?
Anyway, it's obvious that I'm into this show and that I like playing along and all, but it always amazes me the kind of outrage ANTM's outcome inspires in people. Lighten up, it's just a phony modeling competition! I'll never stop saying it: it's all about the means, and not about the end. Sure, it's nice when our favorites win, but Saleisha really did play the game and is so genetically predisposed to CoverGirl modeling that I bet she shits easily, breezily and beautifully. No other girl in the country right now is more deserving of her title as poster girl for...
2. Oh, and I was so so so happy when Chantal got the first picture during the first elimination.
No, it's not because I cared that much more about Chantal than Jenah (really, I'd attempt to decide which of them I hated more but again: melty brain). The real reason for my happiness was that weeks and weeks ago, I was checking this blog's stats and referrals and saw that I was linked to on ONTD. Yay. I love ONTD love. So I clicked over and it was a spoiler post that named Saleisha and Jenah in the Final 2. It used screenshots I took and credited me. Usually I find such a move a nice courtesy on the source-free Internet, but this was the one time I wished my images had just been stolen. Burned my eyes, it did. I don't need to see that. As much as I don't care who ends up winning, I certainly care about the process of the show. I died a little that day. Imagine my surprise when as this episode aired, I found out that the spoiler was at least partially wrong. It felt like a Christmas miracle. Don't get me wrong: a feeling of overwhelming joy didn't overtake me. It was more akin to the pleasant surprise that comes when you realize that you didn't take all the Vicodin from when your wisdom teeth were removed two years ago and you just happen upon a few remaining pills. And with that, I'm going to take a long, colorful nap.
Kidding. I ate that shit years ago!
But I am glad that Chantal stayed in the competition if only because of this:
I could watch that all day.
I love her expression after it happened, too.
She looks somewhat disgusted, as if he flashed her on his way down. I think she was embarrassed by his showing.
Just like I was embarrassed by this:
I think this is the most compelling argument against homosexuality that I've ever seen in my life. Girls don't kiss girls because their earrings get caught!!! It's a crime against nature.
3. And then there is Jenah.
They should have used this screen shot as her CoverGirl ad. Would have been so much hotter. I can totally see it in a magazine.
You know what the worst thing is?
Her disgusting feet. Does she use them in lieu of toilet paper? That's so heinous. Even her weave looks better than that (literal?) shit.
Also, I really like the noise she made when she fucked up during the CoverGirl commercial. Here, have a listen. I suggest listening to it on a loop - with each successive squeal, she sounds less and less human. It kind of makes everything about her make a little more sense, actually.
(Total aside, but how stupid was that commercial copy, anyway? "If my fortune cookie could say one thing, what would it be?" You know, if your fortune cookie could say one thing, I bet it'd forget about you for a second and say, "This fucking cellophane is suffocating, slave driver!")
Oh, Jenah. She did provide much fun via the opportunity for derision. She was not evil, just kind of arrogant and dim. I compared her to Angela Chase (was it last recap), and that's exactly what she is without the incidental charm...
Like, shut up already, oh my god.
Instead of a Pretty Party, I'm going to immortalize Jenah in one of my favorite ways to pay tribute to someone on the Internet. This cycle wouldn't have been this cycle without her and so, in a funny way, I'm grateful for her.
Bite on, sister. Bite on.
4. Also, a, uh, fond goodbye goes out to Twiggy. The camera's estranged from you!
Using her last shot on ANTM, Twiggy really proved her worth this episode with gems like:
Twiggy, I will miss your wealth of insight, of which that above is a mere indication. Via your unfailingly descriptive language, I was able to stab out my eyes while watching the show, just like I always wanted, but never could do.
Love you like a boring aunt that I have nothing to say to,
5. Um, did Jaslene tell a story in which she talked to God and said, "Oh my god, God!" Because you know God was like, "Hey! I thought I was..." before trailing off and stalking back to his desk to finish reading The Secret.
But did she really say that? Because I think she did. (There's an outside chance that she said, "Oh my god, guys," which would make her one of those who talks to people in the bathroom that she can't see, which is even suckier than being someone who'd say, "Oh my god, God!")
Goodbye Jaslene. Love you like an aunt by marriage that I have nothing to say to on account of...various barriers,
Of course, he couldn't have been talking about Tyra. She isn't a dumb model. She's a dumb model-actress-talk-show-host-mogul.
Bye for now Jay. Love you like a co-worker that I have learned to tolerate by just giving in and allowing part of my soul to die,
7. This is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life:
He's coming for you and he's taking baby steps!
Bye for now, J. Love you like an afro zombie,
8. And finally:
How he knew it was Tyra Banks is anyone's guess. When she came on the screen, I swore it was Chinese Jesus himself. You got me, Tyra. You got me.
Call me deranged, but when I saw her rocking that hair, I thought, "Damn. I wish a bird would come and eat it so I could see what she looked like virtually hairless." And then I made my own wish come true.
(Sorry So Lo-Fii!!!)
Goodbye Tyra. Love you like butt hair eaten not by birds but by me,
So, that's that. I think this cycle was pretty good. Not as good as last, but better than Cycle 7 (the all-time worst). At this point, I think the quality of entertainment the show provides has more or less leveled off -- we'll never again hit the delirious heights of Cycle 3, but we know we're guaranteed an onslaught of ridiculousness when we tune in. It's more about the show filling its role at this point as the No. 1 source of camp in our current pop culture, and I think it does that remarkably well. Although there are at least five more cycles left, which is five more opportunities to prove me wrong.
And hey, thanks for reading. Love you like the voices in my head that feed my ego and chomp it to bits, often simultaneously,