¡Que shitty!

[After the jump, I immediately get all kids of spoilery about The Orphanage. Have you seen The Orphanage? I'm guessing, for the most part, no. It's in Spanish and in limited release, though that'll all change Friday when it goes wide in, what I'm assuming is producer Guillermo Del Toro's effort to make this garbage Pan's Labyrinth '08. I'd advise against even entertaining the notion of falling for its charms (or, to put it Spanishly, "treasures"), but then I'd be hypocritical -- I'm not trying to deprive anyone of their righteous indignation, assuming you are like me and get as righteously indignant about a shitty ghost story.

I suppose all of this is to say that my review below is pointless, but whatever. I never claimed to have a practical application.]

I knew I hated The Orphanage when, not five minutes into it, the camera panned past a group of disabled and freakish children (which I admit is an awesome plot point) frolicking on a makeshift playground and swooped up to focus on a scarecrow on the property. The camera, then stays there for, I'm not even shitting you, like, a count of five. I was shocked that the Scarecrow then didn't wink at the audience and shriek, "¡Recuérdame!" But then, such an unpretentious gesture would be completely out of place in this condescending, holier-than-thou drek.

To be fair, I already knew it was foreshadowing because I was familiar with one of the posters and I knew that the scarecrow's hood had to be back in some capacity (see the shot at the beginning of this post). The same can't be said for the 5,000 or so omens that clutter The Orphanage. Seriously, this movie throws around foreshadowing like a Saw movie throws around appendages. Basically, it's another problem-child movie (but not another Problem Child movie, which is a shame, really), that follows this orphan Simón who sees dead people and takes part in games with them that involve "treasures to play with." His shitty foster mother Laura regularly tells him fantastical stories that fuck with his already fucked-up head (she doesn't tell him he's adopted and, using the reflection of the moon, she pretends that the long-dormant nearby lighthouse is still in operation for no fucking reason except oh yeah FORESHADOWING) while she raises him in the orphanage in which she grew up. Some old bitch who seriously looks like this (no exaggeration!) comes and says she's a social worker and then the kid goes missing and his poor excuse of a foster searches for him, except again, she's shitty because for about nine months it doesn't occur to her to check the basement, where he, in fact, has fallen from the stairs and died after she accidentally sealed him in there. This movie should be called Don't Look in the Basement, For That Would Make This Crap End Too Early.

Somewhere in the middle of this, I realized that the movie is a lot more fun if you pretend Rodeo from Rock of Love is the lead, since she and the actual lead Belén Rueda look alike.

But, alas, the solace that realization offered was brief.

Seemingly not content to make a stupid movie, director Juan Antonio Bayona calls on spirits to help him make a stupid, cheap movie. Those dead people that Simón sees are ghosts of the orphans that grew up in the orphanage with Laura. They're used as scare tactics every so often, even though you know that they're not going to hurt anyone because they're the spiritual remains of disabled kids and, again, that would end the movie too soon. The most ridiculous exploitation of child labor (dead or undead, it's labor) comes when Laura is attempting to summon the children during the film's prolonged climax, for they hold the key to Simón's whereabouts. She plays a stupid game that we saw her playing as a child at the start of the movie (did I mention the foreshadowing?), a sort of remedial version of Red Light-Green Light in which the kid who's It turns around so she's not facing the kids playing, knocks on the wall in front of her and says, "Uno, dos, tres, toca la pared" ("One, two, three, touch the wall"). As she's saying this turned away from them, the kids close in on her, but slowly. It's like a race for people oblivious to the concept of speed. When she's done reciting, she turns back around to see their progress. Any kind of counting in a horror film is a cheap way of explicitly drawing out suspense, and these children might as well be carrying snail DNA makes the game even more drawn out. So we go through the cycle of her turning and counting and turning, like, four times, each time becoming less and less suspenseful. The first kid finally reaches her, touches her and...

...and...

...and...

...nothing fucking happens.

Seriously, Laura just kicks up her heels, chases them some more and ends up finding her mummified kid by her damn self anyway. Keep in mind that this movie also employs a countdown (not once but twice!), which is an even cheaper way to announce suspense. Even cheaper than that is the constant cribbing of other films, which seems more out of desperation than homage. The Orphanage ganks from The Sixth Sense, The Omen (as both alluded to earlier), Phantom of the Opera, The Blair Witch Project, Poltergeist, The Exorcist, The Cell, Being John Malkovich, Don’t Look Now, and, according to Ed Gonzalez, three Dario Argento films: Suspiria, Deep Red, and Phenomena (I'm embarrassed to report that I didn't catch references to any of those, but I trust Ed's eye more than my own). The only suspense to be found in this movie is wondering whether or not it would produce an original thought. It does not (although its whimsical ending, cinematic Ipecac in its purest form, certainly comes close).

And you know, I like stupid shit and I like cheap shit, but I can't fucking stand when either of those traits are anchored to boredom. Seriously, after overhearing this bear by the concession stand before the movie, I can only conclude that The Orphanage is for jerks who say words like "ephemeral" loudly in public. That may seem utterly unrelated, but I do feel like there's a certain pretense that comes along with a film like this, which is shot deliberately (so you think it's thoughtful) and seems to exhibit this fucked-up belief that it's somehow more tasteful than your run-of-the-mill hack-'em-up. Watching it, I was reminded of the wave of supernatural horror movies that emerged in the late '90s with The Sixth Sense (which I've always loved) and then got cheaper and cheaper with every incarnation (what was The Others other than "I am ya dawtah!!!" on repeat for two hours?) and then got even worse when it went to Japan and came back with pretentious garbage like The Ring (certainly in my Top 5 most-hated movies of all time, and here's why: It presents its characters as thinking people, and yet its plot is utterly dependent on their stupidity. I mean, what kind of concerned mother just, oops!, leaves a video tape she believes is fatal just lying around so her eerily precocious son can watch it? And that guy that Naomi Watts was or wasn't fucking or whatever -- what kind of an asshole do you have to be to see photographic proof of this video's effect on people, and then still go and watch it? I'm sorry, I can't feel anything but contempt for people who create their own problems and then implicate me by watching them slog through two dreadful hours of wells and television static and back story and flared horses' nostrils.).

That internal alarm that The Orphanage set off also reminded me why I so eagerly embraced torture porn in the first place: it saw the PG-13 sanitization of horror and splattered its tainted blood all over it. Just the other day, I was reading Entertainment Weekly's wretched year-end issue (seriously -- an essay praising Perez Hilton, the dubbing of daytime's stupidest idiot Sherri Shepherd as a "breakout" and not eulogizing Tammy Faye and Anna Nicole? It's enough to make me cancel my subscription, except I don't have one.), and in the DVD section, they cite the Director's Cut of Saw III as the worst DVD of the year, saying that the "horror-porn genre...debases movie culture and, on DVD turns home-entertainment centers into dungeons of cruelty." And you know, that doesn't affect me too too much, but after a while, I read rant after rant about something I enjoy and I get around to thinking, "God, I'm fucked up. There's something wrong with me." And then I see The Orphanage and I realize, "...if by 'something wrong,' I mean, 'I'm not a crybaby pussy.'"

Seriously, torture-porn shit is lewd and crude and by and large, crappy cinema, but there's an honesty there, or at the very least, a fearlessness in being exactly what it is: a crappy horror movie. With its false scares, laughable suspense tactics and the motions it goes through to simply exist long enough to be a movie, The Orphanage represents an extremely low common denominator of a different sort. It not only thinks it's smarter than you, it thinks that you're too stupid to realize how stupid you are.

Comments

[katy]

disabled ghost-children? for that alone i kind of want to see this.

[kris]

Absolutely love your review - had me laughing a LOT! Although you may be a little "touched" if you like torture porn ;)

[Shawn]

I'm with katy. I’ll be watching it for the disabled ghost-children! That and I have a love for laughably bad horror.

I won't blame you when I am inevitably disappointed by this lame movie I heard about from some dude on a website.

[Jean]

Interesting. It got really great reviews (89% on rottentomates). Question- how is Guillermo del Toro involved in this flick? I went to imdb and he isn't the writer, producer or director. I'm confused.

[Cats 'n Stuff]

Pssst, Jean, it's right there in the IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464141/fullcredits. Guillermo del Toro is a producer.

Thanks for making this seemingly awful movie seem not to be a total waste, because of your review Rich.

[Alexsander]

I enjoyed this movie! if you know spanish/latin culture you will understand better- the movies is great- you have your zombies , we have our ghosts! its a great movie :)

[steele]

I haven't seen this yet, but I'm sure it doesn't even come close to Pan's Labyrinth according to your review.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

Now I'm going to have nightmares about Rodeo from ROL!
Jules
House of Jules

[Julia]

Oh, I so wanted to love this because I love Guillermo...maybe I will rent it.
Thank you for saving me money.
Julia

[rose]

I thought it was pretty good until the Lifetime Movie ending.

[Nicolars]

So I'm not the only one who hated the Entertainment Weekly year end issue. It was a moronathon.

[Twinkie]

The image at the top of the page INSTANTLY made me think of the movie Raggedy Man with Sissy Spacek. So bizarre since I haven't seen or thought of that movie since the early 80s!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082969/

[Georgia]

I saw The Devil's Backbone over the weekend (written and directed by Guillermo del Toro) in the comfort of my home (loved it, btw) and now I can miss The Orphanage. This post cracked me up, though.

[Washington Cube]

Isn't the fucked up old bitch Charlie Chaplin's daughter, Geraldine? So fresh and pretty in Doctor Zhivago....eons ago, but also filmed in Spain.

[Washington Cube]

P.S. I can just hear Winston saying, "Thank GOD I'm not in a kitty orphanage, or I'd be eating that cheap-assed cat food that's the equivalent of government cheese, and I would NEVER get banana, or have my own Santa outfit."

[mighty undies]

fucking pretentious movies...I could not think worst about people who try to explain me why The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is bad and crap like this is good. They think their already doubtful intelligence is on jeopardy if they admit they had a great time with House Of Wax. Movies are not only good or bad, they are entertaining, or boring also. Specially horror movies.
I'm gonna watch The Orphanage only to critize it a lot, in the same way I forced my friends to watch Crash.

[A]

THANK YOU!!

I've been trying to convince my boyfriend that this movie doesn't look good. Each time I say anything remotely negative about it he shoves a good review in my face and tells me we have to see it.

Now I can shove your review in his face and the world will be right.

Once again, Rich, your cunning insight to all things pop culture related has made my night.

A

[ATSWU!]

YES!!! Yes! That shit is EXACTLY why i hated The Ring myself! Everyone LOVED that crap, but i'm with you, boy: Everything has gone downhill since The Sixth Sense. Even the other M. Night. Shya-whatevah movies started to suck, especially the one with Opie's daughter in it.

The description of this Spani-horror flick is alone enough to scare me the hell off of seeing it, but um....you know what i'd LOVE to hear your take on?? The old Reese Witherspoon before anyone gave two shits about her Classic, FREEWAY. You know the one. Kiefer Sutherland as a rapist pedophile paraplegic married to a suicidal Brooke Shields, with a cameo by Brittany Murphy as a heroin addicted lesbian delinquent that hides tar in her cooch??

REVIEW THAT SHIT, please. That movie made many a night during my wretched teen years bearable. I'd love to know if it has touched you, too. *sobs*

[anonymous]

speaking of movies you may or may have not seen, have you seen the 1983 'documentary' portfolio? just a heads up on paulina porizkova (who will be a new judge on ANTM) who has a cameo.

someone uploaded part of it on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idlX-oZCGEg

there seriously needs to be a gif of steve meisel cavorting with his face.

[Gyn]

Wow. After your review, I have got to watch it. Thanks.

[Moi]

Oh my...If Rich ever does a "top 10 best/worst horror movie list"...I will cream.

[gebba]

I was so excited to see Pan's Labyrinth because so many people recommended it and it got great reviews. But when I finally watched it, I was disappointed. Maybe it was the build-up, or maybe I missed something, but it did nothing for me at all.

[Captain Calamity]

Wow, Rich. I actually loved this film. Ah well, to each their own opinions. I personally finally torture porn terminally boring.

But I'm a little surprised at the people who left such ardent comments against it, YET HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN IT.

[James]

I love you.

[LisaL]

Awesome review! I think I'm gonna skip watching this.
I didn't really like Pan's Lab all that much.. it was pretty for sure.. but something about it rubbed me the wrong way.. and well.. this movie just doesn't look very good to me.

I hope you review Cloverfield when it comes out! I don't care what kind of reviews it gets.. I'm definitely seeing that bitch!