The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.
If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!
Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:
For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!
After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!
So, here's my take on the past contestants who came back as talking heads, in order from most to least unfortunate:
Ugh! I'm guessing the excessive makeup and completely unflattering hair has something to do with Asperger's. Well, either that or that alien that she brought along to hover just below her shoulder. It tells her to do bad things like arson and applying copious rouge.
Yet another fav of mine, who just couldn't bring it. All I see is Robert Palmer video girl. Remember how she was pleading for representation on the ANTM E! True Hollywood Story a while back? I bet she'd kill for the opportunity to appear in a Robert Palmer comeback video. The lights are on, and oh yes she's home. Waiting. By. The. Phone.
Wait, what cycle did Sharon Stone appear on again?
Oh never mind, it's Jael! I think she's probably wearing that hat to enrich her individuality, but mainly I think it shifts the focus from her crazy. She wins, I win.
Hair Girl really was right to resist Tyra's Mia Farrowing of her. Girlfriend does not need a pixie cut, as she's clearly elfin. Preserve the purity of the elfin race, damn it! Anyway, she looks a hell of a lot better now than she did with that chopped hay sitting on her scalp. Imagine that!
My impulse was to scream about how hot Bianca looks, but upon further inspection: she just looks good here because she looks good always. Homegirl is breathtaking. I have to take issue with that wig, though -- it looks like an off-center version of Count Duckula's weave.
Love her hair, but I hate that she looks like she's lost weight since the show. Nothing from nothing equals dead! If she keeps losing weight, she's going to be nothing but cheekbones, some freakish Spitting Image version of Mariah Carey.
Here, Dionne isn't so much Wholahay as Whooo! Lotta Hair! She is a lioness and I'm proud!
She's gone from rocking a Pigford Poodle to this current incarnation of a tightly cropped sheep dog, but hey: an upgrade is an upgrade! Also, she's glowing so much, I think she's either pregnant or radioactive.
This shot doesn't exactly do Tocarra's current appearance justice, but I went with it because her sass is palpable even without hearing what she's saying. Sass has so much to do with attractiveness, you have no idea. Here to me, she looks like Pam Grier and a half, which is decidedly less than before, and which brings me to my next point: Tocarra has lost so much weight, but isn't her point that she's big and beautiful? And by point, I mean "...of her pop-culture participation and/or existence"? Whatever, as long as she's got a T-shirt to remind us that she's big and the juggs to stretch it out, it's all good.
(Oh, and her commentary was by far the best. My favorite thing she said was, "Ann and Eva? That was just gay." So true and so concise. Sorry Jade -- Tocarra is ANTM's poet laureate.)
Joanie was never my fav, but god, she looks stunning. Why isn't this girl getting work? Isn't there a Select Dental commercial that needs taping? I can play her husband!
Meanwhile, in other where-are-they-now news from girls that didn't appear on the special, Cycle 3's Kelle relishes her say in this little thing we call democracy, but more disturbingly, has a fuzzy-ass television. Meanwhile, Cycle 4's Michelle has given birth. She says her daughter has "long legs and a sexy butt." I'm not making that up. Based on what I've learned from TV, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she, too, has a mild form of autism.