All Mormons go to heaven

That's not a freakin' angel.

That's a freakin' angel. Aimee, why is it that it's taken this long for us to see your best shot?

Sorry, this is her best shot:

That might be the best shot in the history of the world ever. Well, at least in the history of lace.

Anyway! (But not, y'know, that Anyway...)

28. Dominique

Unlike Claire, Dominique has not mastered the art of showing off the sponsor's logo that's on the phone she's weeping into. Can she do anything right?

29. Dominique

Because it hurts when someone kicks you out of their Fave 5.

30. Aimee

Aimee started crying even before she knew that she had landed in the Bottom 2. If I were her, I would have started crying as soon as I said, "People see me as this young girl who's not very mature," because that sort of Mormonly awesome contextualization is all the nail this show needs to seal your coffin.

31. Aimee

I think she's crying, although I can't really tell with those sheep-dog bangs she's rocking. Where's Frederic Fekkai when you need him? Shit, where's Edward Scissorhands when you need him?

32. Aimee

Oh Aimee, come off it. You can't seriously be this surprised. I don't think Tyra would cry this much if she were kicked off her own show.

And speaking of that, Tyra's performance this episode was...intense. The episode-long descent into drug hell was too much to be carved down into a few Tyraisms, and so I turn to video:

And if you can't view that because you're at work or on dial-up or your baby pooped on your Pentium processor...

...shame on you! Get a new job. Get a new ISP. Get a new baby.

1. So, this week's photoshoot? Not jizzy (or otherwise porno), but a load of fuckery just the same. As a commenter on Idolator pointed out: four different kinds of rock and no hip-hop? Was it just that no one could possibly ever come close to Natasha's swag, so they didn't even try? Even if they did, I bet you the styling would be more Will Smith circa "Miami" than Rick Ross' Miami. A shame, too, because I'd kill to see one of these girls in a fat suit with a beard and a patchily shaved head.

Instead, we got this:

How Koncrete Jungle is that? You know, not even. She looks like she's in Aqua.

You can barely spot the difference!

Aimee's losing shot may have sucked...

...but at least it gave us some idea of what Fergie would look like without methface (and the corrective Botox/Restylane/car-part lubricant).

This isn't so much "the metal rock"...

...as it is the metal Rock of Love. What's under your bandanna, Fats? Please don't tell me it's Gene Simmons' penis.

(Also, "the metal rock?" How long has Fatima been in this country? Like 10 years? Has she, like, aged 40 in that time? She had to grow up fast! She reminds me of this one friend of my mom's friend. If things keep going the way they are, expect to see Fatima invite people to a Tupperwear party (do women still have those, or is it all Passion Parties now?), extol the virtues of Celestial Seasons tea and tell a far-too-long story about her cat having his penis removed. For real, I think Fatima's brain might have been circumcised, too.)

They say grunge...

...I say Avril.

Also, this?

...gave me my biggest Whitney-induced Anna Nicole flashbacks yet. And this time, it isn't a compliment.

Look, see:

I don't know what musical genre she represents now. Cirque du butt trumpet?

This...

...is straight-up country-Western minstrelsy. A lot of it has to do not just with the styling, but also Claire's mugging. Seriously, all she was missing was a KFC drumstick.

At least there was no ambiguity as far as the catalog/commercial/couture divide goes.

This obviously worked...

I mean, it worked so well that I was shocked that she didn't scratch her bewigged scalp to reveal a flurry of dandruff or eat a Pixie Stix sandwich or immediately clean up and make out with Emilio Estevez. But just because it worked for a shot doesn't mean it'll work forever, and I'm kinda worried about Tyra's plan to cut Katarzyna's hair (and possibly her throat). Is she prepping her for a career in modeling or a career at Hot Topic? Stay tuned to find out!       

Oh, and by the way...

...who the hell invited Donatella Versace to set? Anyone?

2. As clueless as the styling was about music, the judging was even more so! The thumbs in asses just get bigger and bigger. I'm surprised Ken Mok didn't come on at the end of the episode to tell us all to buy CDs from The Coldplays and Feisty at our local Strawbucks.

Yay, for Miss J's ignorance of white-people music. (I'm not sure if Paulina's white-person response of, "Welcome to our world, J," was supremely ironic or straightforward enough to be considered an out-assholing. As this is ANTM we're talking about, I'm inclined to think the latter.) Yay for Nigel thinking that house DJs do "a little scratching, kinda hey"...

I bet he thinks that rappers work at department stores and are very good with their hands and tape and shit.

And finally, yay for Nigel again for thinking that this...

...looks anything like Joni Mitchell. I may have missed Joni's Fashion Bug phase, so correct me if I'm wrong, but seriously, was she ever that ornate? This is Mary of Peter, Paul and..., at best, but mostly, I think it's just late-period Carrie Nations. Which is to say it's a satire of the stereotypically dim, which itself is pretty damn dim.

3. But on the plus side, it was good to see Nigel without makeup for a change:

I know Tyra pointed it out a few weeks ago, but he's been hitting Jay Manuel levels of makeup-thickness at judging lately...

Easy, breezy, Spackle.

4. How awesome were Anyway's bonus shots, too?

And how much does she look like Kate Hudson here?

The answer to both questions is: a lot.

I hate how Nigel said that Anyway "falls into" her good shots. If she always falls into them, what's the problem? Isn't perpetual luck as good as skill? We're talking about modeling not, like, open-heart surgery or playing Perfection. It's so not that deep.

Obviously, I died a little of extreme joy when Anyway told us that "butterflies are just flowing through my sto-muck." I bet she really thinks that there are literally butterflies up in there. I bet she eats these:

5. And then there's this shit:

All right, so I'm not just saying this because I kind of relate to Dominique since I'm always setting my alarm early and rarely actually getting up when it goes off, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend. I'm not gonna lie and say "I'm just a little confused with it at times," as I don't feel my understanding of any of my regularly used electronic devices to be a work in progress. Those damn inherently predictable alarms, always so full of surprises! This is assy, but it does not, as Claire claims, make Dominique a "shady bitch." It just makes her aggressively inconsiderate. I don't think that Dominique is smart enough to be shady. Someone like her has no choice but to not be shady about her bitchiness.

Claire, on the other hand, seems to be slightly more clever and I'm guessing that she does have that choice, she just refuses to exercise it. Like...

...for real? You know who else has a husband? Shirley Phelps-Roeper. It's not a sign of any sort of internal or external superiority.

And, to me, this sort of smug shit was just it...

"I'd just rather pretend like you're not here. That's why I'm talking about you and you're right there."

"I never claimed to be that big of a person."

Just because you drink breast milk, doesn't mean you have to act like you're so young, you can only drink breast milk. On TV, she's the CoverGirl of the week, but here, she's the Out-Assholer of the week.

Dominique lost out to that only marginally...

...arguing with ladyfingers on her hat was major points off.

But I hate that the real victim is Stacy-Ann.

She's so innocent. She doesn't know anything. She's still waiting for the follow-up to "Barbie Girl," you know?

(That, btw, was the third Aqua reference in this recap and if you don't know that...

...shame! Fierce shame, but shame all the same!)

6. And I love that Claire just gloated when she was chosen over Aimee. Dig the contrast on their faces:

Claire did a fucking jumping jack for joy, for Christ's sake!

There is no showier joy than that which comes in the form of aerobics. At least, that's what my grandmother always said (right before she hit me with a switch).

But you know, it's not all hate for Claire. Anyone who talks about their flowing milk is worth keeping around.

And so is anyone whose family portrait looks like a behind-the-scenes still from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and/or a Cannibal Holocaust outtake.

Claire, I like your weird.

7. Right about now, this week's Pretty Party should have already happened, but I'm going to hold off entirely this time.

Dominique's sustained enough abuse for one week, wouldn't you say? In its place, please accept this picture of a Sprint cell phone:

It gets so much airtime, I'm starting to think that it's pretty enough to compete on this show. I bet its My Life as a CoverGirl spots would be better than Saleisha's, anyway. Work that ringtone, girl!

8. Ugh, Paulina.

"This picture's like a bad Vegas...something's being thrown out into the garbage and oughta stay there."

So disappointing. All bitchy, no witty on a reality show makes you Christian Siriano without the catchphrases. I keep praying that she'll please me, and I keep ending up disappointed.

9. And let me bitch about Miss J for a second, too...

"Just do me a favor, when you come into panel sometimes, be a little bit more awake, a little bit more alive, a little bit more present."

I'm so sick of them harping on Lauren's disposition. She is who she is! I'm sure J has throughout his life been faced with people telling him to stop being so damn annoying in all kinds of ways. And how much good has that done, hmmm?

10. And on Lauren, first of all: I knew she was a bitch...

...but I didn't know she was a screaming bitch.

Who's fucking crazy, now?

But you know, even though I think she's a fun bitch, not a bitchy bitch, I wonder to what extent her fun goes. I mean, she's never so much as heard the music of Britney Spears. How much fun could she possibly be?

I cannot believe that there's someone ON EARTH who's so into being indie-cool that they wouldn't own up to even having heard a Britney Spears song. And if that were true, wouldn't avoiding Britney Spears' frequently ubiquitous pop songs require a ton of time and effort? You want us to believe that you don't care Lauren, but I think it's obvious that you care too much. Revise and give into the Britney.

11. Finally, if you really did miss the video above, you missed a lot.

Pretty amazing stuff, I'm not gonna lie.

Comments

[Daryl]

I had the silly thought of being one of those people who post "first" and thought better of it. This week's show left me not liking Claire so much. Was glad to see Aimee go but I gotta admit, I'm so not into any of the girls this season (except Mr. Jay of course). The pic of Claire, her hubby and child reminded me of "Survivor - The Family Edition". Great recap as always.

[Amy]

Love the recap and the Aqua references. I was glad to see and hear a little more from Anya this week. I almost forgot what a freak she was!

[jezebelly]

I knew that you'd go to town on the pain, but the video was bonus bliss.

[jezebelly]

@Daryl: I'm glad you didn't. And I agree with you about Claire. It just seemed excessively nasty and childish. And yeah...I'm with you on not caring. I started forgetting who was left at this point last cycle. The one thing I will note is that the plus size girl has usually "lost her personality" by now. I'm wondering how far they'll let Whitney go before they start breaking her down.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

That first photo of Aimee has a Swan Brooner/Living Dolls quality about it (although with less hair & makeup), so I had to look twice...
Jules
House of Jules

[matt]

To answer the question in your video, yes that is hot! EXTREMELY HOT.

This post made me so full of joy that it's impossible to write it down in words. Thank you for enriching my life, Rich. Hah my wit has reached unearthly levels.

[herakh]

hi, love the recap as always,
one thing i hate about this show is that how obvious it had made to reveal who is going to be eliminated. judging from the abnormally long confessions from aimee means yup, she is gone.

anyway, does anyone notice that the photographer of the week Russell James, looks so much like nigel barker? it is like nigel wearing a wig.....

love that final pic of tyra squeezing her head. i wish i could that... you know to let everyone know how stressed i am

[KT]

i gotta say this. everyone's all up in claire's piece for acting bitchy. has anyone been watching this show? i woulda gone psycho on dominique's behind, weeks ago. and that alarm clock stuff? that is grounds for murder. there is no worse sound known to man, and if it's been going off for more than 30 seconds, and it's YOUR alarm, and there are other people trying to sleep, then whatever pain one can inflict, emotional or physical is fairplay. and everyone forgets that dominique is the silly ho who brought up claire's husband. that is why claire said "at least i have a husband" AND CONTINUED "if we're gonna go there" (or something, my memory ain't what it used to be). point being, stop acting like dominique was in any way correct in any of those situations. claire may have been more overtly petty, but dominique has been riding my last nerve like a pony for weeks. with calling whitney a racist, for no reason and unprovoked, this weeks cluelessly rude behavior, and all-around ignorance of her own flaws, she makes me not hate fatima, as much.

[moss]

OMG i am dying up in here, I haven't even read the rest of the recap, just watched the video. Y'all, I'm sure you haven't noticed yet but Rich is SOOOOOOO HOT. And funny! I am peeing my pants.

That is all.

But omg.

[Anyway]

I have a strong feeling that Anya is unstoppable at this point, which is GREAT because seeing her winner's reaction would be the best thing of life.

[yggy]

Aqua! Metal Rock of Love! Anna Nicole/Whitney clown! Donatella Versace! I had to close my terrace door so my neighbors wouldn't think I'm going crazy I was laughing so loud. Claire's behavior was embarrassing to watch and not what I expected from her. Yes, I like her much less now, too.

Thank you for the much needed laughter, Rich! Denmark loves you!

[Katie]

Claire has been my fav since the beginning, but this weeks extreme bitchery really ruined it for me. I mean damn. I can see how someone's inability to understand an alarm clock would be frustrating, but the extended drama over it was so not needed. You've got a lot of ground to make up for, missy. Don't go the way of YaYa and reveal the bitch within, keep that shit under wraps!

[yggy]

I hadn't watched the video before my first posting but now I have and now I can't stop laughing AND I found the third Aqua reference.

You need your own tv show, Rich.

[chasgoose]

Does anyone feel as though this season Tyra has engaged in a Battle of the Fierce with Christian Siriano from Project Runway in an effort to reclaim ownership of the word?

[seeldee]

Who pattycakes that hard? I pattycake that hard, bitches!

Awesome and hilarious post, as usual. I must say, when Tyra started going into the whole pain pose thing, I said out loud, "Oh shit, she'd gonna do menstrual cramps, isn't she?" Barely out of my mouth, and there it was - girls grabbing guts and wincing. Not pretty. Tyra is, without a doubt, the craziest spaz on TV.

[Brent]

Rich,

A good post has me laugh out loud several times, but a great post has an image at which I can't stop laughing, and a phrase that literally makes me spit with amusement.

Brilliantly executed by the Butterfly Snacks and straight-at-the-camera look of utter disgust at Tyra's stupidity.

As a P.S. you look great but thin. Partake in some assburgers from last season.

[Reese]

OMG, Rich the video was so awesome! The pain modeling had me on the floor laughing.

Also, I love Stacccyyy-Annnn. She's so sweet and adorable. I'm sure she'll be gone by next week.

[Kristasphere]

BEST.RECAP.YET.

Love you blog play cousin!!! Thanks for brightening my Monday.

[Fair]

I'm siding with KT. yeah maybe Claire was a little childish, but sometimes one must fight immaturity WITH immaturity and Dom's incessant alarm ignoring was the definition of.

[Ledh]

I love that video! I was watching ANTM and couldn't stop laughing at the 'model with pain' secret that Tyra felt she had to shaaaare with the girls. I knew you'd use it well ^^

Also, I think I'll save Tyra wagging her finger and screaming fierce to my harddrive for future use. I have a feeling it'll be useful.

[jawskie]

Will you marry me please?

[Lea]

Well, Rich, I have a job where I'm probably not supposed to look at videos, but dammit, I do it!

Claire really lost cool points for that childish ish this week. But the question is Dom a dick for setting her alarm so early or a moron for claiming that she didn't know how to use it. She reminds me of the Caveman Lawyer whos boggled by our new-fangled devices.

[Bart]

Grr... I knew that cell phone still had the clear blue sticker on it! That's one of my biggest pet peeves, when people leave the blue sticker on their phones (usually Motrollas?). It's like leaving the white sticker on a brand new car! You're supposed to peel it off when you take it out of the box...

Also, I felt like you took Claire's comment about Dominique out of context. When she was making her comment, she was aknowledging that if she wanted to stoop to Dominique's level, when she was using things from Claire's private life against her, she could say the husband comment. It was more like "if you want me to stoop to your level, I could say at least I have a husband" rather than just "At least I have a husband!". It was an acknowledged giving Dominique a taste of her own medicine.

[anon]

This is by far the best recap of the cycle!
From the alarm clock drama, to period pains,and finally, your video - what a joy!

[Johnny Boy K]

You know what the problem with Paulina is?

She's not drunk.

Seriously, the producers need to lace her Volvic with a slug or six of Stolly a good hour before panel. Perhaps they could hire Janice to perform the switcheroo.

In further news, Claire continues to resemble Graham Norton.

[cdawg]

oh no i'm a loser who is at work and cant view the video!!! grrr.

anyways (not the girl), I still love Whit and Claire and Lauren, and hate Dom, but they were just too cruel to her for my taste. I might have to start rooting for Dom just a little bit.

anyways (the girl) - that photo shoot was crappy IMO. I mean it looked more like a playboy shoot than "high fashion". i didn't like it one bit.

i'm still diggin on Paulina... I guess anything is better than Twiggy

[Amy]

I simply fell apart at Butterfly Snacks!

[Lola]

I've been reading your re-caps for years now on the livejournal feed (NO LIES, NO SHAME!) and this is seriously the hardest I've ever laughed! Videos of you vs Tyra each week please please please!!!!! I'd be totally okay with the rest of the recap being 1/2 the length if we got a hilarious video in trade off! I had to pause that shit because I was laughing so hard my asthma started acting up!

[Daniel]

"She's still waiting for the follow-up to "Barbie Girl," you know?"

Don't pretend "Doctor Jones" isn't one of the greatest of latter-90's dance songs.

[Liz]

I am with you that cutting Katarzyna's hair is totally jumping the gun. Obvs the fact that she had long hair worked for all the previous shots, and now short hair works for one and they are going to lop it all off? I mean if they want her to have short hair again, they can just twist it on back up and recreate the same 'do and she can still wear it long and keep the versatility. As often as they put wigs and temporary extension on the girls for the shoots, I am suprised they cut anyone's hair.

[superlotado]

Video no longer available! Aargh!

[Raignn]

I vote for a video every week. That was incredible!!

[J]

I love you.

[Bunny]

::gasp:: The video says it's no longer available! Nooooooo! (Kaaaaaahnnnnnn!) (Sorry)

[Ang]

Rich you arse! Now I will be sitting at my desk the rest of the day, just waiting to go home and watch that link! Side note: Anyone else find that they are watching ANTM as more of a preview to what's going to be f*ing hilarious on FourFour next week, than actually caring about the show itself? I miss cycle 2. That was the shit!

[milkyaqua]

Why would Tyra cut a potential model's hair when agencies prefer girls to have longer (at least past the shoulder) hair? She'll cut her hair and then kick her off since she doesn't seem to like.

Aimee was my bland pretty pick for winner so now I'm actually thinking Whitney has a shot (so far the panel seems to like her and Tyra would finally get the plussie she seems to want since she keeps casting them. She's also harmless enough for CG/17). I don't buy Anya winning; she seems more runner-up to me (oh, and I still think Nigel is a skeevy perv).

Why is Stacy Ann still around? That photoshoot was beyond dumb and poorly executed like usual. Tyra is a spaz and did you know she apparently has some awards show called "The Fiercee Awards"? I kid you not. There are pics up at Getty Images amongst other places.

[Scott]

Oh Rich, I want to f**k you so bad.

[Noel]

Wow you look great and it seems I'm not the only one paying attention.Also, it seems that Tyra is having more fun this season then before. Honestly it's Miss J. that has lost the shine.

[tina]

I loved the video, Rich. Why am I always attracted to gay men? ;_;

[Noel]

more than*

[raspberryjamba]

Dominique's an ass, and I would've gone lower. And I need to point out that whenever someone ignore's or insults Dominique, Dominique comes back with "Claire doesn't respect people" or "the way you talk to people is disrespectful". Bitch, at least acknowledge that these girls who are otherwise nice and respectful hate you and ignore you for a reason.

[Noel]

p.s. I really want to thank you for putting a positive face on pop culture blogging as a homosexual. Perez Hilton claims to be helping bring the gay community forward, but I can't help but feel like it's reinforcing more negatives than any positive it does bring. For every teen that loves his abrasive shittiness, surely there is another that is turned away by his red faced cartoon personality. I've never seen such a rip off in my life and seeing him reach this level of celebrity burns a little. However, I know you aren't seeking that kind of fame. It's just that if I had to choose a blogger to be my gay voice, I'd rather it come from someone as intelligent and gorgeous as you.

[mdizzy]

LOL as always!!! LOVE, LOVE the vblogs, please keep them up- you look GREAT!!!! has anyone noticed the inordinate amount of screaming this cycle? we're going to do a photo shoot- wooooooo, tyra mail - wooooo hoooo, here's your photographer today - wooooooo, go upstairs and get dressed -woooooo. i feel that there should be a screaming count for this cycle, especially because there has been such a lack of crying.

[Miss Lisa]

Rich, it's like you and Tyra are playing patty-cake with my head--and I love it!

[Michelle]

Oh Rich, that video was the funniest. I laughed so hard I woke up my new baby.
The one I got as a replacement for pooping all over my processor, natch.
Who the hell DOES patty-cake that hard?

[Lily]

"The tan Jay, not the black one."
Heheheh.

[Lily]

"The orange Jay, not the black one."
Heheheh.

[Kate]

Rick I LOVE your videos! I love the normal recaps of course, but the videos are so funny! You're too hot and funny to not be on TV. I'd watch.

[Disherof Dirt]

Oooh, did you guys see the NY Mag piece that says Tyra and Mr Jay aren't speaking and she wants out of ANTM?

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2008/03/banks_quitting_antm_these_mode.html

[Kate]

Oh, and I so know your name's Rich. I just wanted to take you down a notch after kissing your ass.

I swear it wasn't a typo.

[nOva]

Ha!! You DO know I'm HauteBouncer, right?

[Mardi]

Ha, yeah, Claire isn't going to be CoverGirl of the week next week!

[pricolatino]

Great recap, as always. I was a bit annoyed at Claire for going off like that, but if it's true that she had been going through the same alarm ordeal for 7 days already, I give her props for lasting that long. After the third time, I would've just gotten up, grabbed the alarm clock, thrown it as hard as I could against the closest wall, and gone back to bed. Problem solved.

As for Whitney, is she ever gonna have a photoshoot where she's not doing the Juggs Magazine two bit whore face? I keep waiting for her to actually moan on camera. Reminds me of a sex line ad I got through the mail that said "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! Now you can fuck me with your visa or mastercard. Call now!"

[jackie]

I don't know what musical genre she represents now

Total JUGGALO!

[pernilla]

dear rich,
just to let you know: i am posting from germany. i will never get a chance to see antm due to my lack of satellite receiver. BUT! i love your antm recaps! how this could happen, i do not know, i never thought it would come to this. that i would talk to my friends about antm and your recaps and they look at me like i have turned mad! never mind... you make my day and that video of yours is precious...sorry for gushing all over you!
love p

[Jim]

If we're clamoring for fave moments in the recap, I'll throw my vote in for the sing and respond, "Your forehead huuuurts." "No, it doesnnnnnn't!"

I've been reading these recaps for what, four or five cycles now? I really do think this might be the best ever.

[doughgirl]

I have to disagree with you. I love Claire more than ever. It was so satisfying to see her torment Dom right back in her wrinkled, haggard face. Petty vengeance makes good TV.

No one said anything about Stacy Ann last week when Whitney offered her banana bread and her response was "No, I don't want to get fat like you" What a bitch!

[TK]

Love Claire. Hate Dominique. She brought it upon herself.

[B]

I gotta say, I am also firmly on the Dom hate train. I didn't think anything Claire et al did was out of line...I was just laughing my ass off at it. They could have gone much lower than that and I still would have been okay with it. Dom can't get off my TV screen fast enough.

[White Chocolate]

If Tyra WERE to get here head cut off, Miss Piggy would be an awesome replacement!

[emilochka]

I'm deeply disappointed in Claire – not because she acted childish but because she wasted a perfectly good opportunity to beat down Dominique. (I was similarly disappointed in Whitney last week; Lauren shows promise, though.) Being too stupid to operate an alarm clock is no excuse. If someone else’s alarm clock were going off Dominique would have flipped out long ago. I just cringe every time Dominique accuses someone of disrespecting her. Shady bitch, indeed.

One last thing: about halfway through Stacy-Ann's photo shoot I thought, “Ooh, Rich is going to have a field day with this bullshit!”

[Jean]

I don't think Anya will win. She is first on the credits and in Ken Mok's shows, the first on the credits is always the runner-up. At least I think that's true- it's been the case the past couple of cycles and for Crowned. So I say Claire and Anya in the finals; Claire for the win.

[Marcella]

IT'S NOT pronounced kuhtarzhunuh; it's katarzheenah like Katerina! lord please someone pronounce it correctly.

what happened to the days when Tyra (seemingly) cared so very deeply for the girls? now she can't even say their names right.

anya, ILU rich! you rock!

[Noel McG]

Seriously, I already know that video you made will be the highlight of my week. So funny I could shit, please do another.

[Kenza]

bonus video! hilarious as usual.
but you didn't post the Epic Weave Chronology :P

[JaneGoodallOfSkeaze]

I didn't get Uberbitch from Claire. It was more straight-up alpha dog. Dominique has been throwing her weight around since she got there, trying to be top dog. It finally came down to a show down, and Claire put her in her puppy place. Notice how she went from harridan to quiet begging, a huge improvement.

Also "at least I have a husband" was followed by something like "If you want to go there." And preceded by "Why are you bringing my home life into it?" Claire seemed aware of the stupidity of the comment and was using it to show Dominique hoe ridiculous her line of questioning was.

Also, was it just me, or was there full frontal during the Nigel shoot?

[jtalia]

damn

this was amazing

good job

[Joshstoph]

I love the sing-song

"My forehead hurts!"
"No, it doesn't!"

[hoolababy]

AMAZING! Love the videos rich, keep 'em coming!

[cdawg]

doughgirl:

don't be offended by stacey ann saying to whitney that she doesn't want to be fat like her. Whitney has been joking around all cycle about her "plus size" and doesn't seem to mind it at all. i think that was playful banter.

I was so waiting for Whit to say something when Dom was saying to be a "bigger person" to Claire... I was just waiting for it...

[lizardgirl]

what? "shake ya body" wasn't one of the songs going through your head?

[Rachel]

I thought "Anyway's" close up shot there looked more Uma Thurman rather than Kate Hudson.

[Brad]

I can't believe there were so many references to Aqua and Barbie Girl this week and not one of them directed at Jay Manuel! He looks like an extra from the Barbie Girl video.

[JaneGoodallOfSkeaze]

Oh my gawd, I forgot to say thanks for the hysterically funny and awesome video. It could only be better if it was happening during the show!

Considering how well done it was, it was probably time-consuming. Buuuuttt...if it wasn't too bad, maybe you could do more? Lots more!

[yggy]

Someone mentioned the SCREAMING this season...oh. my. god. Yes! Hatin' it immensely and they never seem to stop. Ugh! I forgot Nigel the perv, too. That was uncomfortable to watch.

[faith]

That was the best video ever, i just sent a link to this recap to everyone i know. lol.

I lovelovelove the Aqua references.

I hafta side with claire...im n ot a person who should ever be woken up suddenly and i may have smothered Dom with a pillow :)

But i really adore Laurens crazy ass, jumping up in the chair and screaming. I want her to win so badly.
I feel like i've done drugs with her.

[Vanessa]

I still like Claire but she was a little too nasty this week. I know living in the house is stressful (I just got off of 3 weeks of jury duty and just sitting in that deliberation room for 6-8 hours a day with some of those mother fuckers was enough to make me scream internally about shadiness and spouses) but I still didn't think it was necessary to gang up on Dominique like that.

I used to be an indie music snob about 20 years ago. I still couldn't avoid the more omnipresent elements of pop culture. Lauren must have been raised in a log cabin by the Ramones to have avoided Britney's oevre. "Baby One More Time" is in the air like pollen.

[Vanessa]

BTW, I expected you to totally bust out Nigel this week. Anya has to do her photoshoot nude because clothes will date the picture? Huh...

[md]

I laughed so hard at the innocence of Stacey Ann, looking all confused by the alarm hubbub. And the video kicked ass. One of your best, yet.

[sissygirl]

I LOVE YOU! BEST POST THIS SEASON, I WISH I WAS HOT AND SEXY... AND, WELL MAINLY... WITH PENIS....

[laylaness]

Rich, you make me wish I was a gay man.

[deeyou]

More video posts!

[Ike]

This makes history as the first recap to gave me an erection. Maybe Tyra is on to something -- I'll have to ask my boyfriend to do some "modeling" for me.

[redb]

Has it been mentioned how much Lauren looks like the not-as-pretty girl from The Goonies?

Anyway, awesome video, hopefully it won't be deleted.

Have you lost weight?

[spazmo]

That video was wonderful. Loved the fact that there's a severed arm sitting in the background (probably thinking "Finally, my big scene!").

And Aqua references are good with me...since I actually dig their music.

Fun, awesome recap to a truly OTT episode, Rich. You even featured Tyra morphing into Pyramid Head in that last gif! Do you know what Pyramid Head represents in the Silent Hill mythology? Hell's judgement.

So perfect.

[Carol]

LOLOL
that vblog made my life. you are so hilarious and, ache ache ache infinity I WIN!
i play that game all the time with my younger sisters. hahha.
Tyra is such a nut job.
Keep up the video blogs i <3 them!

[Mike]

AMAZING! as usual.

[Toothy Tile]

Anyway's bonus photoshoot was fucking gorgeous. The third shot is straight-up Uma Thurman. My only problem: Nigel wasn't shirtless!

If they follow through with giving Katarzyna that haircut, it could really give her a leg up on the competition. Emo is definitely a better look than mail-order bride.

I refuse to believe that is Fatima's real tongue. It HAS to be photoshopped.

[Steve Abramson]

I cannot believe just how many people have turned against Claire because of her argument/petty behavior. So fucking what??? - It's rare for bitchy behavior to be dare-I-say-it? justifiable - and Claire had ever right to run that dragDom into the ground...

And don't get me started on Dom's picture. Seriously, all I can see is Pete Burns of Dead Or Alive after another dozen facelifts (and a TON of airbrushing). But WAY TO GO Tyrant with choosing girls to have "amazing sets" (Whitney/Fatima), and give the R&B and Pop singers NOTHING!!! - Oh Aimee, you're an R&B singer, drop to the ground and look like a whore (well in that outfit, you're GOING to look like a Las Vegas lounge singer, I should KNOW, I LIVE HERE!!! LOL) What could have been a unique concept fell flat due to the fact that it was yet again another unfair lopsided photo shoot...

And speaking of Enya (I refuse to call her Anyway), She wasn't nude. She wasn't nude. She wasn't fucking nude. You could clearly see she was wearing nude-colored panties on (so as much as I hate Enya, she obviously did NOT want that lecherous troll of a Nigel all up in HER Orinoco Flow!)

Congratulations Enya.. you won the challenge. Your reward? TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!!! -

Wow, Tyra, you really know how to reward your girls huh?

Thanks for the VLog - haven't seen you animated in awhile and the music in your head thing? Priceless!!! You're just one step closer towards becoming Blogdom's Next Homer Simpson! (how he is able to have B&W cartoons living in his head)

[KellyBean]

When I saw that screencap of Lauren screaming and leaning over the table, all I could think of was how much it looks like a screencap from The Exorcism of Emily Rose!

[skylerharvey]

wow. a friend of mine showed me your page after i told him how in love with ANTM even though its filled with a bunch of bull. ever since this cycles girls have been released & you've commented, i've been coming back to your page for more every monday. i always enjoy your commentary. great job. :]

ps. & if i can add, you are freakin' cute. :P

[Elizabeth]

I just thought you should know that since reading this, I've had Barbie Girl stuck in my head. Thanks.

[ginger]

my sides hurt from laughing . . . i LITERALLY pissed mah pants!

"rogs ruv em"!!

i think that stacey-ann kind of looks like tracey chapman.

and that anna-nicole smith clown-whitney thing - genius!! thanks rich for making my rotten day so much better

[Lily]

It seems like this cycle there isn't much personal connection with the girls. In past seasons, every girl had comments, cameos, confessionals, etc. I feel like I barely know Katarzyna at all aside from her photos. I don't know much about Anya. The only ones I know anything about are the ones involved in household drama. I hope as the cycle goes on I get to know the girls better!

[Matt]

I'm sad you didn't call out Nigel for the flimsy excuse to get Anyway naked, and given her obvious handicap it's not like that justification was for her. Also, apparently Aimee was taught that her body was a temple and, like all temples, should remain absolutely hidden at all times.

[Huh]

Rich...

Why do you have a severed hand prop on your bookcase during the video?

ummmm... that was amazing. i got top score on the video game! missed this episode, so thank you!!!

[bee boo]

this was mentioned above, and not that i'm the biggest claire supporter, but, it should be stated again here that claire said to dom that it was the 7th or 9th morning in a row she pulled that crap with her alarm. and when she was confronting dom about it as it was going on, she did start off rather reasonably.

and, yeah, the started off the ep with aimee ranting on and on, so i was immediately like, she's gone, no question.

the rumors of tyrant being so over antm were quite apparent to me. any time she shows up this cycle it is like for two minutes and she acts more fake than normal. extra manic because she's guilty for not caring about these poor bitches. that session on expression of pain, even considering it was edited, seemed to have been VERY BRIEF.

[Diedewitz]

Dominique sorta looks like Tyra in the hippie pose, and I also agree the photographer looks like a crazy Nigel with a wig.

[Lizzie]

Rich...I am watching the new ep of Flavor of Love 3 right now, and I swear one of the new girls (Prototype?) is Keenyah from Cycle 4....can you shed some light?

dude, great post!!!

And, hot as usual...you do look like you've lost weight...looks hot on ya ;-)

This show has become SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO predictable based on the editing. You know the girl with the most commentary is goin home.

[Cat]

Hey Rich! I'm in Toronto and I saw and ad for Lifefest.ca on the subway. Apparantly CariDee is one of the speakers there this Saturday. Clearly, she's hit the big time. Here's the blurb on her
"Cursed. Anxious. Alone. Those were just some of the feelings that America's Next Top Model CariDee English used to describe living with psoriasis, a disease of the immune system characterized by inflamed patches of skin (lesions) topped with silvery white scales that covered 70% of her body.

CariDee dreamed of acting and modeling her entire life, but by the time she was diagnosed with moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis, her dreams were all but shattered. CariDee tried to hide her skin condition with make-up or nylons but the disease was still visible during modeling shoots, and despite her best efforts she soon found herself on a plane home. "

[rod]

Hm. I'm liking the Paulina. But I'm a bit of a bitch too.

[Lola]

Thoughts:
1. I agree on Katarzyna's hair possibly getting too Hot Topic if they were to cut it that way.
2. How pointless was that entire segment with the girls in that pose session with Tyra in those red leotards (which made every single one of those girls look at least a little fat, which I thought was impossible)? It was ridiculous.
3. I actually like Paulina.

[Matt]

Hey rich! loves it, little lack luster in the video with the jokes. But at least your looking sexy and a little bit thinner? haha maybe im just trying to get into your pants.

[K]

I know it's been said but I have to agree, the videos just make my day. Your video showdown with Ty ty had me in tears. You're awesome :)

[twoffs]

OMG Katarzyna's shoot was soo soo soo effing good.

[Mosa Mo]

Nice choice of gremilins track

[J]

Anyway's pictures were GORGEOUS.

Great recap as usual, keep them coming! You always make my Mondays complete :).

And I agree, I like Claire less after this week---I loved her SO MUCH before :(

[Leinohr]

Claire reminded me of Brittany from cycle 8 in this eppisode. Not because of looks (but on second thought, both look kinda wierd/ugly-pretty/quirky... so i guess they have that physical resemblance), but they remind me of each other because of their wolves in sheeps clothing persona... or angle on the outside/bitch on the inside.

Like Brit, Claire was on top of the competition from the beginning, (strong in the pictures, a seemingly perfect personality, seemingly smart, the judges and the crowd favorite) but as the game progress their true assholish ways comes thru and they proceed to be unlikeable.

I remember that I liked Brit (except for her tacky red weave/hair that TyTy gave her) until she started to act like a snobbish, entitled and an all around bitchy bitch. Anyway, Claire better be careful and not get too cocky or else she may end up losing this competition and end up working selling cheap tweenie jewelry at Claires on the mall.

Also, I hate her sunken eyes. Her eyes/forehead/brow-bone reminds me of a darn caveman (like in those geico commercials). It looks too manly and gives her an ugly profile.

[potty mouth princess]

Oh Rich, how did you miss the editor hate that gave us "Domimique?"

Ah well, it can still be used as an extra in a Dom "IT'S A MAN" vs. Marcel Marceau. It would be up there with Winston clips!

[Madalyn]

The gremlins music scene face reminded me of both Winston and Anyway, which as you've said in the past are basically the same thing.

[Fiona Voss]

Post more videos
You're cute

Agreed with Marcella. For the love of Bob, please, Paulina, as a Slavic girl yourself, PLEASE tell Tyra it's "cot-ur-ZHI-nuh," not "ki-TAR-zhi-na!" I know the show's already been totally recorded, so there's no hope, but. I would have hoped Paulina could have stood up for one of her own. Katarzyna herself doesn't seem to have much of a