All Mormons go to heaven

That's not a freakin' angel.

That's a freakin' angel. Aimee, why is it that it's taken this long for us to see your best shot?

Sorry, this is her best shot:

That might be the best shot in the history of the world ever. Well, at least in the history of lace.

Anyway! (But not, y'know, that Anyway...)

28. Dominique

Unlike Claire, Dominique has not mastered the art of showing off the sponsor's logo that's on the phone she's weeping into. Can she do anything right?

29. Dominique

Because it hurts when someone kicks you out of their Fave 5.

30. Aimee

Aimee started crying even before she knew that she had landed in the Bottom 2. If I were her, I would have started crying as soon as I said, "People see me as this young girl who's not very mature," because that sort of Mormonly awesome contextualization is all the nail this show needs to seal your coffin.

31. Aimee

I think she's crying, although I can't really tell with those sheep-dog bangs she's rocking. Where's Frederic Fekkai when you need him? Shit, where's Edward Scissorhands when you need him?

32. Aimee

Oh Aimee, come off it. You can't seriously be this surprised. I don't think Tyra would cry this much if she were kicked off her own show.

And speaking of that, Tyra's performance this episode was...intense. The episode-long descent into drug hell was too much to be carved down into a few Tyraisms, and so I turn to video:

And if you can't view that because you're at work or on dial-up or your baby pooped on your Pentium processor...

...shame on you! Get a new job. Get a new ISP. Get a new baby.

1. So, this week's photoshoot? Not jizzy (or otherwise porno), but a load of fuckery just the same. As a commenter on Idolator pointed out: four different kinds of rock and no hip-hop? Was it just that no one could possibly ever come close to Natasha's swag, so they didn't even try? Even if they did, I bet you the styling would be more Will Smith circa "Miami" than Rick Ross' Miami. A shame, too, because I'd kill to see one of these girls in a fat suit with a beard and a patchily shaved head.

Instead, we got this:

How Koncrete Jungle is that? You know, not even. She looks like she's in Aqua.

You can barely spot the difference!

Aimee's losing shot may have sucked...

...but at least it gave us some idea of what Fergie would look like without methface (and the corrective Botox/Restylane/car-part lubricant).

This isn't so much "the metal rock"...

...as it is the metal Rock of Love. What's under your bandanna, Fats? Please don't tell me it's Gene Simmons' penis.

(Also, "the metal rock?" How long has Fatima been in this country? Like 10 years? Has she, like, aged 40 in that time? She had to grow up fast! She reminds me of this one friend of my mom's friend. If things keep going the way they are, expect to see Fatima invite people to a Tupperwear party (do women still have those, or is it all Passion Parties now?), extol the virtues of Celestial Seasons tea and tell a far-too-long story about her cat having his penis removed. For real, I think Fatima's brain might have been circumcised, too.)

They say grunge...

...I say Avril.

Also, this?

...gave me my biggest Whitney-induced Anna Nicole flashbacks yet. And this time, it isn't a compliment.

Look, see:

I don't know what musical genre she represents now. Cirque du butt trumpet?

This...

...is straight-up country-Western minstrelsy. A lot of it has to do not just with the styling, but also Claire's mugging. Seriously, all she was missing was a KFC drumstick.

At least there was no ambiguity as far as the catalog/commercial/couture divide goes.

This obviously worked...

I mean, it worked so well that I was shocked that she didn't scratch her bewigged scalp to reveal a flurry of dandruff or eat a Pixie Stix sandwich or immediately clean up and make out with Emilio Estevez. But just because it worked for a shot doesn't mean it'll work forever, and I'm kinda worried about Tyra's plan to cut Katarzyna's hair (and possibly her throat). Is she prepping her for a career in modeling or a career at Hot Topic? Stay tuned to find out!       

Oh, and by the way...

...who the hell invited Donatella Versace to set? Anyone?

2. As clueless as the styling was about music, the judging was even more so! The thumbs in asses just get bigger and bigger. I'm surprised Ken Mok didn't come on at the end of the episode to tell us all to buy CDs from The Coldplays and Feisty at our local Strawbucks.

Yay, for Miss J's ignorance of white-people music. (I'm not sure if Paulina's white-person response of, "Welcome to our world, J," was supremely ironic or straightforward enough to be considered an out-assholing. As this is ANTM we're talking about, I'm inclined to think the latter.) Yay for Nigel thinking that house DJs do "a little scratching, kinda hey"...

I bet he thinks that rappers work at department stores and are very good with their hands and tape and shit.

And finally, yay for Nigel again for thinking that this...

...looks anything like Joni Mitchell. I may have missed Joni's Fashion Bug phase, so correct me if I'm wrong, but seriously, was she ever that ornate? This is Mary of Peter, Paul and..., at best, but mostly, I think it's just late-period Carrie Nations. Which is to say it's a satire of the stereotypically dim, which itself is pretty damn dim.

3. But on the plus side, it was good to see Nigel without makeup for a change:

I know Tyra pointed it out a few weeks ago, but he's been hitting Jay Manuel levels of makeup-thickness at judging lately...

Easy, breezy, Spackle.

4. How awesome were Anyway's bonus shots, too?

And how much does she look like Kate Hudson here?

The answer to both questions is: a lot.

I hate how Nigel said that Anyway "falls into" her good shots. If she always falls into them, what's the problem? Isn't perpetual luck as good as skill? We're talking about modeling not, like, open-heart surgery or playing Perfection. It's so not that deep.

Obviously, I died a little of extreme joy when Anyway told us that "butterflies are just flowing through my sto-muck." I bet she really thinks that there are literally butterflies up in there. I bet she eats these:

5. And then there's this shit:

All right, so I'm not just saying this because I kind of relate to Dominique since I'm always setting my alarm early and rarely actually getting up when it goes off, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend. I'm not gonna lie and say "I'm just a little confused with it at times," as I don't feel my understanding of any of my regularly used electronic devices to be a work in progress. Those damn inherently predictable alarms, always so full of surprises! This is assy, but it does not, as Claire claims, make Dominique a "shady bitch." It just makes her aggressively inconsiderate. I don't think that Dominique is smart enough to be shady. Someone like her has no choice but to not be shady about her bitchiness.

Claire, on the other hand, seems to be slightly more clever and I'm guessing that she does have that choice, she just refuses to exercise it. Like...

...for real? You know who else has a husband? Shirley Phelps-Roeper. It's not a sign of any sort of internal or external superiority.

And, to me, this sort of smug shit was just it...

"I'd just rather pretend like you're not here. That's why I'm talking about you and you're right there."

"I never claimed to be that big of a person."

Just because you drink breast milk, doesn't mean you have to act like you're so young, you can only drink breast milk. On TV, she's the CoverGirl of the week, but here, she's the Out-Assholer of the week.

Dominique lost out to that only marginally...

...arguing with ladyfingers on her hat was major points off.

But I hate that the real victim is Stacy-Ann.

She's so innocent. She doesn't know anything. She's still waiting for the follow-up to "Barbie Girl," you know?

(That, btw, was the third Aqua reference in this recap and if you don't know that...

...shame! Fierce shame, but shame all the same!)

6. And I love that Claire just gloated when she was chosen over Aimee. Dig the contrast on their faces:

Claire did a fucking jumping jack for joy, for Christ's sake!

There is no showier joy than that which comes in the form of aerobics. At least, that's what my grandmother always said (right before she hit me with a switch).

But you know, it's not all hate for Claire. Anyone who talks about their flowing milk is worth keeping around.

And so is anyone whose family portrait looks like a behind-the-scenes still from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and/or a Cannibal Holocaust outtake.

Claire, I like your weird.

7. Right about now, this week's Pretty Party should have already happened, but I'm going to hold off entirely this time.

Dominique's sustained enough abuse for one week, wouldn't you say? In its place, please accept this picture of a Sprint cell phone:

It gets so much airtime, I'm starting to think that it's pretty enough to compete on this show. I bet its My Life as a CoverGirl spots would be better than Saleisha's, anyway. Work that ringtone, girl!

8. Ugh, Paulina.

"This picture's like a bad Vegas...something's being thrown out into the garbage and oughta stay there."

So disappointing. All bitchy, no witty on a reality show makes you Christian Siriano without the catchphrases. I keep praying that she'll please me, and I keep ending up disappointed.

9. And let me bitch about Miss J for a second, too...

"Just do me a favor, when you come into panel sometimes, be a little bit more awake, a little bit more alive, a little bit more present."

I'm so sick of them harping on Lauren's disposition. She is who she is! I'm sure J has throughout his life been faced with people telling him to stop being so damn annoying in all kinds of ways. And how much good has that done, hmmm?

10. And on Lauren, first of all: I knew she was a bitch...

...but I didn't know she was a screaming bitch.

Who's fucking crazy, now?

But you know, even though I think she's a fun bitch, not a bitchy bitch, I wonder to what extent her fun goes. I mean, she's never so much as heard the music of Britney Spears. How much fun could she possibly be?

I cannot believe that there's someone ON EARTH who's so into being indie-cool that they wouldn't own up to even having heard a Britney Spears song. And if that were true, wouldn't avoiding Britney Spears' frequently ubiquitous pop songs require a ton of time and effort? You want us to believe that you don't care Lauren, but I think it's obvious that you care too much. Revise and give into the Britney.

11. Finally, if you really did miss the video above, you missed a lot.

Pretty amazing stuff, I'm not gonna lie.

Comments

[Daryl]

I had the silly thought of being one of those people who post "first" and thought better of it. This week's show left me not liking Claire so much. Was glad to see Aimee go but I gotta admit, I'm so not into any of the girls this season (except Mr. Jay of course). The pic of Claire, her hubby and child reminded me of "Survivor - The Family Edition". Great recap as always.

[Amy]

Love the recap and the Aqua references. I was glad to see and hear a little more from Anya this week. I almost forgot what a freak she was!

[jezebelly]

I knew that you'd go to town on the pain, but the video was bonus bliss.

[jezebelly]

@Daryl: I'm glad you didn't. And I agree with you about Claire. It just seemed excessively nasty and childish. And yeah...I'm with you on not caring. I started forgetting who was left at this point last cycle. The one thing I will note is that the plus size girl has usually "lost her personality" by now. I'm wondering how far they'll let Whitney go before they start breaking her down.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

That first photo of Aimee has a Swan Brooner/Living Dolls quality about it (although with less hair & makeup), so I had to look twice...
Jules
House of Jules

[matt]

To answer the question in your video, yes that is hot! EXTREMELY HOT.

This post made me so full of joy that it's impossible to write it down in words. Thank you for enriching my life, Rich. Hah my wit has reached unearthly levels.

[herakh]

hi, love the recap as always,
one thing i hate about this show is that how obvious it had made to reveal who is going to be eliminated. judging from the abnormally long confessions from aimee means yup, she is gone.

anyway, does anyone notice that the photographer of the week Russell James, looks so much like nigel barker? it is like nigel wearing a wig.....

love that final pic of tyra squeezing her head. i wish i could that... you know to let everyone know how stressed i am

[KT]

i gotta say this. everyone's all up in claire's piece for acting bitchy. has anyone been watching this show? i woulda gone psycho on dominique's behind, weeks ago. and that alarm clock stuff? that is grounds for murder. there is no worse sound known to man, and if it's been going off for more than 30 seconds, and it's YOUR alarm, and there are other people trying to sleep, then whatever pain one can inflict, emotional or physical is fairplay. and everyone forgets that dominique is the silly ho who brought up claire's husband. that is why claire said "at least i have a husband" AND CONTINUED "if we're gonna go there" (or something, my memory ain't what it used to be). point being, stop acting like dominique was in any way correct in any of those situations. claire may have been more overtly petty, but dominique has been riding my last nerve like a pony for weeks. with calling whitney a racist, for no reason and unprovoked, this weeks cluelessly rude behavior, and all-around ignorance of her own flaws, she makes me not hate fatima, as much.

[moss]

OMG i am dying up in here, I haven't even read the rest of the recap, just watched the video. Y'all, I'm sure you haven't noticed yet but Rich is SOOOOOOO HOT. And funny! I am peeing my pants.

That is all.

But omg.

[Anyway]

I have a strong feeling that Anya is unstoppable at this point, which is GREAT because seeing her winner's reaction would be the best thing of life.

[yggy]

Aqua! Metal Rock of Love! Anna Nicole/Whitney clown! Donatella Versace! I had to close my terrace door so my neighbors wouldn't think I'm going crazy I was laughing so loud. Claire's behavior was embarrassing to watch and not what I expected from her. Yes, I like her much less now, too.

Thank you for the much needed laughter, Rich! Denmark loves you!

[Katie]

Claire has been my fav since the beginning, but this weeks extreme bitchery really ruined it for me. I mean damn. I can see how someone's inability to understand an alarm clock would be frustrating, but the extended drama over it was so not needed. You've got a lot of ground to make up for, missy. Don't go the way of YaYa and reveal the bitch within, keep that shit under wraps!

[yggy]

I hadn't watched the video before my first posting but now I have and now I can't stop laughing AND I found the third Aqua reference.

You need your own tv show, Rich.

[chasgoose]

Does anyone feel as though this season Tyra has engaged in a Battle of the Fierce with Christian Siriano from Project Runway in an effort to reclaim ownership of the word?

[seeldee]

Who pattycakes that hard? I pattycake that hard, bitches!

Awesome and hilarious post, as usual. I must say, when Tyra started going into the whole pain pose thing, I said out loud, "Oh shit, she'd gonna do menstrual cramps, isn't she?" Barely out of my mouth, and there it was - girls grabbing guts and wincing. Not pretty. Tyra is, without a doubt, the craziest spaz on TV.

[Brent]

Rich,

A good post has me laugh out loud several times, but a great post has an image at which I can't stop laughing, and a phrase that literally makes me spit with amusement.

Brilliantly executed by the Butterfly Snacks and straight-at-the-camera look of utter disgust at Tyra's stupidity.

As a P.S. you look great but thin. Partake in some assburgers from last season.

[Reese]

OMG, Rich the video was so awesome! The pain modeling had me on the floor laughing.

Also, I love Stacccyyy-Annnn. She's so sweet and adorable. I'm sure she'll be gone by next week.

[Kristasphere]

BEST.RECAP.YET.

Love you blog play cousin!!! Thanks for brightening my Monday.

[Fair]

I'm siding with KT. yeah maybe Claire was a little childish, but sometimes one must fight immaturity WITH immaturity and Dom's incessant alarm ignoring was the definition of.

[Ledh]

I love that video! I was watching ANTM and couldn't stop laughing at the 'model with pain' secret that Tyra felt she had to shaaaare with the girls. I knew you'd use it well ^^

Also, I think I'll save Tyra wagging her finger and screaming fierce to my harddrive for future use. I have a feeling it'll be useful.

[jawskie]

Will you marry me please?

[Lea]

Well, Rich, I have a job where I'm probably not supposed to look at videos, but dammit, I do it!

Claire really lost cool points for that childish ish this week. But the question is Dom a dick for setting her alarm so early or a moron for claiming that she didn't know how to use it. She reminds me of the Caveman Lawyer whos boggled by our new-fangled devices.

[Bart]

Grr... I knew that cell phone still had the clear blue sticker on it! That's one of my biggest pet peeves, when people leave the blue sticker on their phones (usually Motrollas?). It's like leaving the white sticker on a brand new car! You're supposed to peel it off when you take it out of the box...

Also, I felt like you took Claire's comment about Dominique out of context. When she was making her comment, she was aknowledging that if she wanted to stoop to Dominique's level, when she was using things from Claire's private life against her, she could say the husband comment. It was more like "if you want me to stoop to your level, I could say at least I have a husband" rather than just "At least I have a husband!". It was an acknowledged giving Dominique a taste of her own medicine.

[anon]

This is by far the best recap of the cycle!
From the alarm clock drama, to period pains,and finally, your video - what a joy!