Allison isn't very bright, 'cause she's...

...a model. Duh!

What you don't see in this picture is the cross Allison's racist ass unsucessfully tried to light and burn in the loft. Models! Is there anything they can do?

Of course the answer is yes, they can do lots of things like bitch, whine and, my favorite, cry:

18. Claire

Mommy tears so soon?

19. Dominique

As you will soon, see, this is the prettiest Dominique looked all episode. I think that makes this the most justified reason to cry in the. History. Of. America's. Next. Top. Model.

20. Fatima

Fatima claimed that the reason for her tears wasn't emotion, but the fact that her hair was being pulled hard while her weave was being installed. It's dudeish except for the whole weave thing.

21. Allison

"If I pull my face like this am I pretty enough to stay? Further? No? What if I flipped my eyelids and put poop in my hair? Then would you love me?"

22. Allison

This shot just does not do Allison justice. It's missing her integral snot-nose.

And in just a few moments, we'll be able to relive the hate that resides within but extends beyond herself all over again. This show is never anything less that pure joy.

Case in point:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"In the fashion industry, some supermodel doesn't stand in front of you and go, 'You're gonna get this! And you're gonna get this! And you're gonna get this! And you're gonna get this!' You're in New York City. This is how it really happens. So we're keeping it real this cycle."

I'm glad it took nine full cycles to arrive at this conclusion. I hate to burst her myopic little bubble, but I have to point out that in the fashion industry, some supermodel doesn't stand in front of you and go, "In the fashion industry, some supermodel doesn't stand in front of you and go, 'You're gonna get this! And you're gonna get this! And you're gonna get this! And you're gonna get this!' You're in New York City. This is how it really happens. So we're keeping it real this cycle." Nah mean?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Marvita is going to get a horse-mane hair weave, which I've never seen before in my life. It's something that I kind of invented. We're going to keep the sides as they are and take this hair that she's got here and add...long hair...like a horse. So she's gonna be like, '[Whinnies].'"

When Tyra Banks experiments on you, you don't become a guinea pig; you become a horse. I think that's a nice little capsule of how half-assed her world is.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Who are these girls? I have no idea who the hell they are. [Exaggerated tone and sound-quality shift] Your makeovers look great! [Shift back to original sound quality] OK, you know about the prizes..."

Ah, the fun with post-dubbing never ceases on this show. Ten cycles in and the broke-ass production staple that has defined this show from the beginning lingers. Getting rid of it would be like getting rid of "fierce" (and that fierce should sound 10 times louder and more excited than the rest of this paragraph...just for the sake of motif, you know?).

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

This is another one of those ones where what she says isn't nearly as important as how she's saying it. She says the words "...booty, away from..." with such ferocious intensity, that if I were deaf and unable to read lips, I'd swear she was giving an instruction on how to remove testicles with your bare hands.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"Where's her booty? Where's her stomach? I wanna see her legs. And you were still covered up." This lament, combined with the sung reprise ("I wanted to see her booty!") nicely sum up the lezzie tone of this episode. Three shows in and we're already cold gettin' gay.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"She's just one of those girls that...

...

..."

Is Tyra calling Lauren epileptic?

Honestly, I didn't appreciate this Tyraism nearly as much as I do now until I made it into a gif. Girl, I think I found your medium! No need to thank me -- just keep doin' whatchu do.

Because you know I will.

1. I know that there are more pressing makeover issues, but I just wanna get this out of the way. The two major things we learned from Apple Bottomgate are...

You can't show Barbie butts on TV.

And...

...Amis can cut any amount of tension, no matter how thick, with her unbridled cheesiness. Yes way, José!

Well, that and the fact that Allison is extremely racist. I mean, equating sexuality and blackness? Straight-up racist, that sucker was, simple and plain. Motherfuck her and John Wayne. I would not be surprised to find out that Allison developed anorexia to cover the fact that the measuring tape she brought was to be used as a noose on the first darkie that sassed her.

Seriously, what a hideously vile person.

I mean, Fatima is at least an asshole, if not an idiot, for this...

Uh, no she doesn't, Fats. No one under 120 lbs. has the epitome of an apple-bottom ass. Shit, no one under 180 does. Have you even looked at King magazine? You have much to learn about fat cells' sexy elasticity, my little bone collector.

I still haven't sorted out if Fats is a master at the bitchy sneak-attack or if she's just an idiot who doesn't know from tact. I'm leaning toward the latter, but I'm still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Plus I can't tell you how much I enjoy calling her "Fats." For that reason alone, I plan on examining her extremely vigorously throughout her run on the show. Regardless of how hostile she was, she didn't deserve to bear the brunt of Allison's bigotry.

And besides being a racist bitch, Allison was a bitchy bitch (which is to say that she was not anything close to being a fun bitch). The stank lines were practically wafting out of my TV. Look at this shit:

(I love Marvita's rain cap, I gotta say. It reminds me of my grandmother, the original fierce bitch in my life. She was get-me-a-switch-out-back fierce, but hey, fierce is fierce and OMG, when the fuck did I become a Saturday Night Live skit? Hey tranny, it's SHUT THE FUCK UP. [And by "tranny," I mean me.])

And what are yooou lookin' at? Anorexic bitch?

But of course, the best representation of Allison's toxic cluelessness was her reaction to the judges' compliments, which included an "I know!" and a little dance.

You know that's her reaction to everything.

Hey Allison, you got a booger on your chin.

Hey Allison, your ankles just shattered.

Hey Allison, I just put new batteries in your vibrator.

Hey Allison, one of the black girls took a drink of your Snapple Water.

OK, OK. I know that's pushing it. Sorry to get all utopian on you. I can't help it sometimes.

2. Oh yeah, MAKEOVERS!

I love that Anyway can't even say inane shit properly. Also, you know that the analogy was so not at all abstract in her mind. When she said "Christmas," it meant that this was the kind of redo that she wanted:

It's Santa and Mrs. Claus in one because you know nothing falls so straightforwardly from Anyway's synapses. I bet she would have settled for this, too:

That's garland making up her John Waters pencilstache and her eyebrows. And for real, she needs the brow job.

Like why bleach out her eyebrows so that she looks, as reader Gen described her by email, like an ALBINO CELINE (esp. in that first post-makeover picture that I ransacked above)? Plenty of women run around with light hair and dark eyebrows. Women like, say, oh, I don't know...Tyra.

But you know Anyway was all excited to find out about Marvita's makeover because it fit in so well with her Christmas fantasy. "She can be my red-nosed rain-horse!!!" she thought.

And so it was.

I know a lot of pepole hated this cycle's makeovers, but I thought they were totally fine. Making Whitney look even more like Anna Nicole with long, bound-to-tangle-and-get-food-stuck-in-it blonde hair? Awesome. Giving Claire bleached-out hair to quietly suggest that she's filled to her scalp with breast milk? Delicious. Butching up the angular-but-cutesy Stacy-Ann? Amazing.

And bless her heart for not having the self-awareness to suppress her bleated, "Huh-wooooow! Oh my gaaaaaash! That. Is. Diff. Rent." I think when Fatima's goat ears were lopped off, their spirit flew into Stacy-Ann's throat.

And speaking of:

I think this is great for her. Not sure about her claim of it bringing out her "East Africanness." I guess I must have missed the National Geographic featuring East Africans and their long, thin, flowing, hair. But more than that, I think presenting her hair like this brings out her long-haired dachshundness much more than her East Africanness.

 

You know?

And then, there is Amishole. At first, I was cool with them giving her a messy Brooklyn 'do, because when it's done right, it makes her fit the role.

Hot, right?

Yeah, but when it's not done right (which is to say, when it's left to Amis' own devices)...

...it looks like she has long armpit hair and, perhaps, scabies. The route from hipster to homeless has never seemed so direct.

3. You know what I fucking hate?

I hate that J always tries to make the makeover show about him. It's not about you, bitch! This shit is more than entertaining enough without your attempts at satire. This show functions as self-parody just fine without even trying, fool!

Also? I hate his inaccurate advice. Here's how Lauren was standing:

And J corrected her by saying, "Here's how you're standing."

Except, no she wasn't. This stance suggests that Miss J has a gas bubble. In his brain.

And speaking of bad advice?

"Have you been practicing downstairs in the mirror? ...It feels so studied." Yes, yes, unstudied is apparently the way to go since Jay's words feel that they have no idea that the girls have been told for, like, five years now TO PRACTICE IN FRONT OF FUCKING MIRRORS. And by pointing this out, it means that I'm siding with Allison, so you know it takes some foul shit to make me do that.

Also incorrect?

"Well, pretty really comes from inner-confidence. It's when you feel good about yourself." He works in an industry whose sun rises and sets around superficiality and he's trying to sell this shit? He's working like it's for sale and his apartment is on fire. I guess maybe it's what he needs to believe?

Regardless, this week's Pretty Party is devoted to debunking this theory. Early in the episode we hear Dominique boast, "I'm the girl who's high fashion. I love competition, I'm a competitor. A fierce one, a strong one, a beautiful one. I'm a diva." And here's how her fierce, strong beautifulness played out for the rest of the episode:

I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt a Pretty Party, but I have to interject. Here, Dominique’s hair isn’t so much Adelaide, as Miss Dott, my primary school bus driver with pervasive cooch smell (trust: I only realize this in retrospect), an eerily relevant resemblance to Large Marge and the ability to dash my festive spirit: one time, I wished her a happy Halloween as I was leaving the bus, and she informed me she didn’t celebrate Halloween, but she would apply my well wishes to “Fall Harvest,” which she did celebrate. I said, “Bitch, that shit ain’t transferable,” and skipped all the way home.

Mr. Burns as a burn victim?

Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction?

Is she 50?

60?

America's Next Top Premarin Spokesmodel?

Someone emailed me asking if I saw any resemblance to her and Javier Bardeem in No Country for Old Men. I didn't on first viewing.

But you can bet your puckered Amishole that I do now!

Ugh. She makes my eyes dry with her visual funk. She's so unfortunate looking so much of the time, that I'd feel bad pointing this out if she weren't so cocky. Her cockiness is in direct negative correlation to her hotness. It's almost amazing. It's almost amazing that someone could look like she does so often and then look even passably pretty, as she did in this week's post-makeover shoot:

Is it really just angles? Are they the only things that separate my normalcy from a feeling that my eyeballs want to crumple up? Someone please explain this?

With a heavy heart, uncertain mind and eyes ready to jump ship, I call an end to this week's Pretty Party.

4. To help numb the pain of Pretty, I present actual pretty:

But did you notice how touchy-lezzie Elle was with all the girls?

Well, maybe if you didn't tweak it, it wouldn't be, Ellesbo.

I kid because I love the homoeroticism. Props to Elle for this, though:

"I appreciate your support in selling my bras and knickers, too." I guess since we're in New York, we're totally up front about this show often doubling as a commercial? And if we can throw in a seemingly inadvertent bra/"support" pun, we're all the better. Love ya like a lezzie, Elle! And so does Marvita.

"Elle is so cool. I love her. I've never met anybody that nice." Really? Not even any Africans? How impressive!

5. Oh yeah, and speaking of shilling and Africans, during that worthless Wal-Mart/makeup challenge, did Fatima paint herself purple?

She looks like this woman that I see around my neighborhood whose face is, for some reason, never less than a glowing eggplant shade. I don't know if she doesn't know how to blend, or if it's genetic, or cultural or what, but every time I see her, I get Stevie Wonder's "Golden Lady" in my head, except I sing it like, "Purple lady, puuuuurple lady, I'd like to go there..." And now it's back. So thanks for that, Fats.

6. But how great was her picture this week?

I didn't think that Fats could actually be sexy, but I was totally wrong. See what long, flowing East Africanness can do to a girl?

I thought most of the shots were good, actually:

I'm happy to report that along with Katarzyna (whose name pronunciation changes every week, according to Tyra -- this week, it went "Kuh-tar-zuh-nuh," but I look forward to a time when it's "Katar-gina," because I'm rhymey like that) and Whitney, Marvita is totally my favorite. I love her more for this:

And even more for "utensils." I could seriously listen to her say "utensils" all day. Listen to it on repeat and believe that.

Also good:

This made more sense in my head than when I actually did the side-to-side, but I feel a strong Kate Bush vibe coming from Aimee:

I thought it was the eyes, but maybe it's the hair flip? I dunno. I also felt like she was serving up Valerie Cherish at judging:

Kate Bush and Valerie Cherish in one girl? Add in one occasional diaper-as-headwear...

...and we have another girl that I'm forced to love. God damn her.

Finally, there's Lauren, whose picture was the favorite of the judges:

I hate it. I feel like she's thinking hard about which direction her pee is going to go in when she inevitably lets loose. I also hate that her awkwardness is being praised for being awkward. Hmmm. Who am I reminded of?

Hmmmm.

7. I really think that Amis is just as amiss as Anyway. (I'd like to reflect on that sentence for a second, and state that if I weren't me and reading this blog for the first time, I'd think the author was far more idiotic than anyone who ever appeared on this show. Writing about it is never less than humbling.)

As I was saying:

Something's going on.

Or maybe nothing's going on, and that's the problem. I don't know. I don't know anything at this point except that you're going to have a hard time tearing your eyes away from her dance below:

The way she dangles and jangles is nothing short of mesmerizing.

8. Stacy-Ann is not one of my favorites, but between the lap-dancing, the whale mating call that accompanied said lap-dancing, and this...

...she'll always have a place in my heart for being an aspiring freak. That short hair doesn't just flatter her jaw (or whatever nonsense Tyra gave as rationale). It's biggest contribution is that it made her one step closer to this:

See?

I think the photographic evidence above suggests that she crawled backward until she walked. Anyway, I hope she ends up with the gay one!

9. Oooh! I have a new favorite part of the intro:

I love it because the move is very Nomi Malone in Goddess (oooooh!) and because it results in Tyra disappearing into nothing (ah!). Double fantasy!

Comments

[moss]

OH THANK GOD.. I thought you were too busy to post or something.

[Mardi]

Hi Rich,

Thanks as always. I gotta say, I was pretty impressed by some people I didn't expect to be impressed by, like Marvita. All the pics looked pretty nice! (Must have been having Elle as inspiration.)

Surprised but not necessarily upset that Allison left so early in the competition... wouldn't she be considered "good television" - at least for ANTM?

[Cara]

Hahhahahaha. You brightened my morning! ahhahaha

[Lara]

I waited all morning, and you didn't disappoint. Thanks Rich!

[jari]

Am I the only one who loved Claire's makeover? She looks like some new interpretation of Annie Lennox. I think it looks gorgeous!

So happy Allison is gone. What a stank ho.

[motorbike]

omg...this is one of the best recaps you've ever done...

[Jenny]

I thought Marvita's hair bordered on a mullet. Which would mean it had been done, many, many, many times before. I also thought Amis looked like a man in judging. Not just a transvestite, but a man. Still can't stand Fatima.

[chasgoose]

Thank god you caught the Kate Bush thing too. I thought it was just because I am going through a Kate Bush "phase" and seeing her everywhere that I thought Aimee looked like her.

Also, thanks for pointing out the Tyra as Nomi as old burlesque dancer clip from the credits. Ever since Tyra started singing over the credits I just plow right through them on my Tivo. Now I can come here and witness the two gayest obsessions I have united in one 2 second clip.

[laylaness]

WTF was up with all the hats in the makeover-interviews?

I think Tyra gave Allison that hideous hair color as punishment for being so stank. I mean, really, it's the same color Fatima had before the makeover.

Also, now Dominique looks like a soccer mom. when the "create a persona to match your makeover" episode comes, if she doesn't come to panel in mom-jeans, I will be very disappointed.

Giving Claire bleached-out hair to quietly suggest that she's filled to her scalp with breast milk?

Best. Question. Ever.

[lipstickface]

i have to say I just about died when Dominque the 'tranny' talked about having to be both the mother and the father to her child. Thattttt cracked my shiz up.

[beeinabox]

I think Amis will become the Brittany of this cycle, in that every judging the thing sewn to her head will look more and more like a piece of roadkill. It's all downhill from here, baby.

[Jane]

I was deeply shocked by Marvita's sexiness. I've never seen anything but horseishness from this girl (which is why her makeover reminded me of Jaeda and your comment thereon: "You look mannish! Let's enhance it!"), but her photo was fucking hot. My whole world is askew.

[bex]

UTENSILS. forevs.

[lydia]

this was an extra funny post today... i almost started crying in my little cubicle.

did you notice how every single time tyra says 'stacy ann' she mocks her by saying it in stacy-ann's whiney voice. as if stacy-ann doesn't know how annoying her voice already is... tyra has to MOCK her for it? how rude! (i love it!)

[Gen]

Yet another amazing recap :) I feel truly honored you would mention my ALBINO CÉLINE observation, too! But the Javier Bardem/Dominique resemblance is just too much, how could I have missed that?

I don't think anyone watching this show is actually sad to see Allison go. What you said about her racist skank ass? My feelings exactly... Good riddance!

My only disappointment in this episode: I really REALLY expected to see Jade, with the Apple Bottomgate and all. Now that would've made my day!

[tanya]

Loony Lovegood is on ANTM?!???

[SeriousStyle]

Allison was such a stank bitch.

I think Fats just says things to say them. I appreciate her kind of bitchery then the racist comments Allison was making. Allison sort of reminded me of Kim with the Ears from last season who didn't want to talk to Heather because "people like that are clingy". Stank.

I sort of love Marvita's hair. Tyra is a nutjob, but I like it anyway.

Whitney and Claire are my faves. Although the Anna Nicole comparison is so dead on. I think Whitney is prettier though.

Poor Stacey Ann. She looks like her hair was cut with a lawnmower. She never had a prayer of winning this thing anyway.

And Dominique just ganked the award for worst haircut from Saleisha. Congrats girl!

I am getting this vibe from Amis that if Lisa ala Cycle 5 and Meg of the bearded lady shoot had a love-child with half a brain, it'd be her.

[Akasha]

Just had to say that I agree with you about Lauren's picture. I see nothing appealing about it at all, it's just bad, and I seriously don't get why the judges loved it so much. Having her called first was one of the wierdest things i've ever seen at judging on this show.

[Jean]

Claire reminds me of early 90s dyke aesthetic, which means pretty hot.

[ekar]

Poor, poor, domenique. She's so busy defending her 'beauty' she forgets to actually be beautiful. She's definitely the oldest looking ANTM contestant ever. And I'm glad fatima cried in this episode. She's giving us east africans a bad name with her bitchiness

[Willl]

Marvita and Claire should go home, asap.
Great recap tho!

[SeriousStyle]

Tanya, I can only assume that you are referring to Anyway with the Luna Lovegood comment. I love you for it!

Mother effing spot on!

[Courtney]

The Christmas thing...I am dying. Amazing recap, as always.

[Niecy]

tyra know she was wrong for doing that to stacey-ann and dominique. and i am also miffed that lauren is being praised for being "too punk rock" for ANTM. and her picture was the worst of the whole shoot. she looks like she was trying to do the harlem shake and they caught her mid-fall. blech...anyway, my prediction for final three: Marvita, Claire, and Katazyrna with Claire FTW. there hasn't been a quirky winner yet. (CariDee doesn't count because i hate her)

[Niecy]

also i would have loved to see that pic of dominique at judging as a movie poster saying, "No Country For Old Trannies"