Amis you much

I consider Amis' elimination a great loss.

You know?

23. Aimee

Aimee cries because of what I assume is lingering religious-based guilt that makes her too modest to show the rest of the girls her meat curtains. Well, Aimee, have I got a photo shoot for you!

24. Lauren

Aw, Lauren, don't let tranny old Jaslene make you cry. Do what the rest of the world does and laugh at her!

25. Fatima

Is she more than just a pretty face, wonders Tyra as she picks over her Bottom 2. More than, less than...

...who's counting, really? (Besides me, I mean?)

26. Fatima

Thinking makes Fatima's skull hurt. But what's worse: so does not thinking.

(Allow me to interject an apology in advance if this recap is more moronic than usual. I'm hopped up on Sudafed, but I soldier on to bring you nonsense in response to nonsense in response to an industry of nonsense. That is my commitment to you.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

(Sung introductions)

I am so not amused by her overt attempt to amuse me, and yet, I feel like something really bad's going to happen to me or my blog or Winston if I don't present this clip for your ringtoning needs. Hmmm, maybe I, too, am a hamster.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Bottom teeth. Rrr. Rrr. There's a way to do a growl. You were going (growls), as opposed to (purrs)."

So, there's a way to do a growl that isn't growling at all, but purring. Right! Not since she showed us a little dance called the Lazy Hippo has Tyra been more confused about what animals do. She's still learning, just like the rest of us!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"We wanna see your hair in a bun next week. We feel there's something that's still a little (little orgasm, little orgasm, little orgasm) when we look at you."

That bun is only gonna make her sexier when she inevitably shakes it out during her girl-on-girl scene in Librarian...and Out!

And speaking of things that remind me of porn...

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"You wanna be in this industry, a lot of the times, that's how you're gonna be treated: like a side of beef."

You know, Tyra amasses a lot of wind in her hair by walking the line between telling it like it is and being despicable. However, here, in reference to the most absurd photo shoot in the history of. America's. Next. Top. Model., she's being nothing but prophetic. I think this is her way of beaming to us what we all believe: to give this show the farcical tawdriness that it's missing, sooner or later one of these girls is going to end up in Hustler. I mean, really, this is what she's telegraphing, right?

Even better:

Because if you're going to objectify, at least be fucking repulsive about it. It's so unpretentious, it's nauseating. I'm glad Tyra and Larry Flynt are on the same page.

Oh, I'm so happy that this recap reintroduced me to the exciting world of Hustler covers, because for real, they are amazing. I recommend taking the time to go through them all here. They are of such bad taste that, taking them in all at once is the visual equivalent of having your tongue shit on. I will share my favorite, but you'll have to click to see it because it's so wondrously gross that even I am too shy to post the image.

Click here.

I like the detail, but I love the promise of interactivity.

1. But you know what I don't love?

That Amis is skipping out of our lives. It may make her feel good, but it makes me feel like anus.

I'll miss her because she referred to Jaslene as a "sandwich," despite the fact that, per the visibility of her clavicle, Jaslene has never eaten one. I'll miss her for saying, "Jaslene said something that really made me think. She's like, 'What do you want? What do you want to be?' Or like, whatever. I don't remember what she said exactly." Apparently, Jaslene made her think so hard that she couldn't think no more. I'll miss her for "outer-body experience." I'll miss her Amis crack.

I'll miss her complete unawareness of what "Axl Rose...a" looks like:

Actually, Axl Rosa is an awesome Garbage Pail Kid name of her. She should have gone an extra step and wore roaches in her hair as accessories.

...And also strung popcorn for when the roaches get hungry.

Serioiusly: bitch is straight-up GPK.

I bet that it tastes like booger when you kiss her. And I guess I mean that as a compliment? I don't know anymore.

Finally, I'll miss her for her attempts to be, in her own words, "campy." That is how you play this shit. Can you imagine the snot-drenched levels of inanity she would have reached had she been kept on for a few more weeks? Too soon! Too soon!

2. And with Anyway given the we'll-get-back-to-her-since-she's-clearly-going-Top-2 edit (which is fine with me), at least we have Stacy-Ann picking up the brainwreck slack.

Haaay!

Heeee!

Huuuuuh!

I assembled a little megamix of Stacy-Ann's stupidest moments. Enjoy. I'm sure there's more where it came from. I have to believe that, really: that hope is what keeps me alive.

3. That's the future, here's the past:

Look at how smug she is. She's channeling the Fonz. You know that she thinks that being America's Former Next Top Model is like being an ex-president. In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that she demands to be called "Mr. President" on all references.

And you know she was just waiting for a girl she could get all condescending with and ask, "Do you wanna be here?" I bet she practiced it on the way over. It all stems from how badly she DID want to be there, as if dropping everything to spray air freshener every time Tyra's IBS acts up is something to be proud of.

Oh and this?

To call it "girlicious" would be an overstatement. Or maybe an understatement. Or just fucking wrong. Ain't no girl-anything in there, that's straight Peniscat Dolls.

4. Although, that doesn't mean that Lauren gets let off the hook.

You know she's all-thumbs when it comes to fashion, but did you know her brush was all-thumbs as well? It's been a week since she had that shit installed and she already looks like Sigmund the Sea Monster.

Here, girl: have a cartoonish snaggletooth to complete your look.

I did love her shot and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre reference that helped her get there...

"I was just trying to be, like, kinda scary. I kept thinking of Texas Chain Saw Massacre. I was pretending I was Leatherface."

Wait, what does Dominique have to do with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Anybody?

Shit, I can't take it anymore. This recap is like one big Pretty Party, and it's about to get bigger with the official Pretty Party, which is devoted to the girls' meat curtains. This show tries to out-crass me, and I crass it right the fuck back.

And the partridge in a pear tree to all this shit is...

...a pepperoni earring. That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. I felt like Whitney had the only appropriate reaction to this shit:

Similarly, she had the only appropriate reaction to Dominique's bizarre I'm-still-here-because-I-know-you-think-my-geriatric-looking-ass-is-a-threat rant at the beginning of the episode:

But best of all was her reaction to Fatima's nonsense:

Aside from a sense of humor and loyalty, a neck with rhythm is the trait I most seek out in women. You wanna be friends with me, you gotta be able to make it snap. Bottom line.

Fatima really is such a dumb-ass, too. For her to say that Whitney likes to stir things up is like the pot calling the kettle circumcised. Not that I should expect much from a woman who couldn't button her shirt properly...

...and thought that thought that no one would notice. Do you think Fatima has, like, ever outsmarted anyone ever? She couldn't even outsmart her fucking wardrobe!

And speaking of that show...

See? Even when Whitney isn't trying, she's entertaining. I'm so hooked up that I have access to uncensored footage of this show. I couldn't resist taking a grab of Whitney's houston in all of its exposed glory...

That's a spicy areola.

6. Yeah, and even though she looks old...

...Dominique looks better? I think? Maybe it's the new hair color. Maybe it's that the pedestal she says Tyra put her on last episode didn't get her such flattering light. But whatever, she's a lot less difficult to look at this week.

I think?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore except that she's maybe some sort of part-time Islamic fundamentalist...

...and that her head is, like, huge.

Like Falcor-huge.

You know that shit gave her a boner, too. (To fully get what I'm talking about, click here, but be warned that it may destroy your childhood.)

7. Oh Miss J.

I love that his unabashed display of femmy homosexuality didn't seem to threaten the firemen at all.

I mean, they were probably cast and, in that case, more than likely gay. But still.

But you know what I didn't love?

Being reminded that Miss J somehow, somewhere has genitals.

Oh and while I'm at it, here's who I'd do, since a group of firemen is always going to contain something fuckable, no matter where or what:

Can I get totally piggy and implore you to check out this one's shelf of an ass?

Yeah, you know what? Looking at that again, I have to say: totally cast, totally gay.

8. More misadventures in mimicry with Miss J:

It started with this...

...to which Miss J responded...

So:

He also said that she looked like a pekingese:

So:

My two cents? As much as I love their smooshy faces, pekingese look like Critters:

So:

If all this is true, therefore:

It's like a mathematical proof, hold the math and the ematical.

9. Oh and just in case you didn't believe me last time, Aimee is totally Valerie Cherish:

10. You can see Anyway's ribs and spine:

I don't have a point. I just thought you would like to know.

11. For my final comparison of the week, I'm cribbing from an email I received from Leah C., who says Whitney looks like Wynonna Judd, whose album title suggests that I would get along with her.

Instead of doing yet another side-to-side, I thought I'd have some PlanetHiltron-inspired fun:

She's got the right amount of makeup to be a Judd and everything. It's in her blood!

Oh, and my second favorite adventure in Internet surfing this week came from Google Imaging "judds." Almost as fun as the juggs Hustler provided.

12. I want to give it up for this woman, for real:

I think more than anyone else, if you had to pick someone most responsible for the success of this show, it's her and her brilliant eye for casting. Seriously, hats off, lady, you keep me in love. (Although, and I totally did not notice this till after, so don't think I took this screenshot just to be a smartass, but, isn't her name MoCk? Did she and Ken get married when I wasn't looking? How convenient would that be? You lose a letter but gain a husband.)

13. Finally, one more more awesome thing about Amis: when she said goodbye, she did so while wielding a shit stick...

God, considering the lowest common denominator tone of this episode, what else did she need to do to prove that she should be here? She belongs! She belongs! If not on this show, then in my heart. Forever. Always.

Comments

[Charlotte]

I have been refreshing waiting for this, yes! Thank you Rich, for giving me something fun to do when I'm supposed to be studying for finals. You're awesome. :)

[That Weird Girl]

Fantastic recap, as always! <3

(also, First!)

[i dream of gene shalit]

sheeesh! ribs and spine! that is ridiculous, can't believe i missed that while watching. i know they're all skinny, but eww.

[erma]

Question: Is it soooo rediculous not to want to shower with people??

Great recap! Feel better!!!

[Andrea]

Ribs and spine. Mmmmm. I'm hungry.

[Jean]

The pekingese is definitely the most attractive of the bunch.

[Amanda]

Rich... great recap

but i told you last week that Whitney looked like Wynnona Judd

[dig]

Dominique looks like Nicole Ari Parker from Soul Food (the series) after Damon broke up with her for the umpteenth time. Stacey Ann's voice is as annoying as my phone when I don't check the messages. One more thing I think Claire should have been in the original Aeon Flux movie. I wonder about that chile Anya too children of the cornish for my liking.Another exceptional post. Can you please find a pic of Chris Rock as Jazzy Jeff's sister from Fresh Prince of Bel Air and post it mext to Marvita?

[squid]

First - try some Benadryl doggie downners to offset the Sudafed puppy uppers.

Ugh - the meat on meat screen captures make this photo shoot so much more in your face - what is it with "don't smoke in the ANTM house," but we drape you with raw marbly slabs? Bring back the snakes and tarantulas for daring shoots. Oddly enough, raw meat (vs. air jerked model meat) is not photogenic.

Some cow died to dress models? Or did they clean up the raw slabs, cook, and dish it out to unsuspecting crew members as "insert repulsive kebab name here?"

Don't get me wrong - I eat meat, I wear leather. Useful, and tasty!

Thanks for the salami earring as I overlooked that - I gotta get a pair. Don't you think Winston would approve? Although after watching him Hoover up, Hoover down, and Rudy work clean-up, I can see why you wouldn't want them eating near your face. Unless you wanted your lobes trimmed (mutilation humor about fleshy pads! I can sink to new lows, too!)

Amis - Avis? Trying harder? But it hertz?

As always, thanks for my the highlight of Monday morning (sometimes the hole day).

~redsquid

[Vgirl1936]

First of all, just have to say that I have gotten to the point where the only reason I watch ANTM is so that I can read your recaps on Mondays! They are incredibly awesome!

And second, am I the only one who thought that Amis was Lisa from Season 5's clone? Except less crazy and annoying and more cool and watchable??

[Just Some Guy]

Jaslene sucks.
___ ___ ___

I'd like to see a "Psychopath Reunion Cycle" where the nuttiest whack job(s) from each cycle are brought back together. Naomi Campbell could host. Instead of handing out photographs in panel, Naomi could just chuck a cell phone at the head of the woman getting eliminated.

[RectilinearPropagation]

I LOVE your non-mathematical mathematical proof.

"Question: Is it soooo rediculous not to want to shower with people?"

No, but it's rude to insist on showering before anyone's had a chance to use the toilet if you aren't going to let anyone in the bathroom.

"Amis - Avis? Trying harder? But it hertz?"

YES!

[Storm Keas]

Dominique looks more and more like a granny tranny version of Jeri Blank every week.

[katie]

I think Whitney looks more like Patty Hearst.

[RD]

There's a Hustler article that's even worse than all those Hustler covers--sometime in the 70s Larry Flynt had a spread with a "Beauty and the Beast" theme. With sex. It was nice to know that Flynt loved simulated beastialty as a kid.

[yummi]

im mad amis is gone too.

[forrestunknown]

Anytime you can throw in a B movie from the eighties ... well it makes the sngels sing with joy

[milkyaqua]

Oh, okay, I can see some Patty Hearst, Wynnona Judd and Anna Nicole in Whitney's current look.

The meat thing was just wasteful and as usual on this show tacky. Also, love how Tyra is eating a porterhouse for two when a lot of us were waiting for that platter of ribs instead.

None of those pics were great but Fats probably had the worst one. Also, I have nothing against the bitches of the house but at least be able to back up your bad attitude. Fats has failed to do this. So far she's only managed to piss off both of the Jays and stick her nose into stuff that's not her business and why didn't she just pull the sweater over head?

Amis does remind me of C5 Lisa except Lisa could sort of model. Not surprised to see her go either. Now if we could get rid of Stacy Ann and Dominique. Lauren needs to stop with the punk girl crap. Amis', Whitney's, Fats', and Lauren's hair all look ratty. Tyra's orgasm sounds to Kata were tacky but that's Tyra for you.

[Lea]

AHHHHHHH I have been refreshing since 9 this morning. Not that I am rushing it's just I hate my job and I need a reason to get up on Mondays.

[Erwin]

I saw Lauren today at the Lorimer stop in Brooklyn...she's very nice, seems like she lost some weight, and she got rid of all the extensions that they gave her.

[pricolatino]

Sigmund the Sea Monster??? *dies*

And why is Dominique starting to look more and more like the third Olsen twin/triplet?

[Each]

when that horse sank in the mud, my mom had to take me out of the theatre, for reals, crying like a fucking girl.
thank god i am a girl, would have been embarrassing for my 9 year old ass.

that and i wanted that giant turtle for my room.

[Bryan]

Does anyone else think that the very first gif of Amis is just like the one of Lisa c9 where she screams "MY MUFFINS!"?

[Jenny]

Awwww, no screen cap of Amis' nasty ass holey bra? Seriously, look at when they're quick-changing for the fashion show--GIANT holes in the side.
Couldn't her grandma forgo her rent in order to buy her some decent undies for reality tv? Tsk tsk.

[Cynic]

I am rooting for Hoocherzyna. She looks like a model and seems to be fairly articulate - judging from the 2 or 3 times that we have seen her speaking in the last four episodes...