Giddy up!

In a way, Marvita had to go. That hair was becoming more unmanageable by the episode.

Potes called it, Marvita saw to it: that shit wasn't a horse mane, it was a mullet. And on someone as butch as Marvita, it made her look a mere spoke away from a Dykes on Bikes parade. I fear that in one more episode, she would have had that spoke.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! Here, girl: have the denim jacket and non-matching denim shirt you're crying out for:

Consider it a parting gift.

Oh, and here's what the back of the aforementioned jacket says:

Gift that keeps on giving, right?

27. Dominique

I don't know what the fuck she was crying about and even if I went back to check, I still probably wouldn't. But the reason is not what's notable -- the fact that this is the only instance of crying in the entire episode is. And I'm not even sure that she's crying -- it could just be that the 50,000-year-old Dominique's glaucoma is particularly glassy today. Regardless, it's been the driest cycle since I started counting teardrops way back in Cycle 5, and I don't think I've ever been faced with an episode with just one instance (and a blink-and-you'll-miss-it-and-or-take-a-protective-layer-or-two-off-your-eyeballs-you-deteriorating-geriatric instance, at that!). It's nuts how non-histrionic these girls are. Do you think they're catching onto the stereotype? Do you think someone hates me? Wait, don't answer that. It'll make me reevaluate my entire existence and create further fissures in my identity.

It's all so confusing. Right about now, I could use a hug from the evergreen point of stability that is Mike Rosenthal. He'd make it better.

Now watch me contradict myself and present all kinds of stability for your ass:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"It's all in the eyes, and it's the thing I say every cycle of Top Model. You're like this, and you need to be...It's like the squint with the eye open..."

Ah, I know it well. Blessed relief! Now, if I could nurse from her vagina arm, my whole world would turn right side up.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"For a supermodel, you pay for a certain look, and she should be a chameleon and still have a semblance of herself in there. Aimee doesn't have that."

I just want to point out that as Tyra was saying this, she was illustrating the path of her logic with her hands:

Really, I just want you to know that it's OK to be confused. It's also, actually, OK for people to seek out that seemingly impossible that Tyra's speaking of. However, since it would seem to require je ne sais quoi out the ass, it's clearly a futile thing to teach. You either have it or you don't. Asking for it would be like approaching a literal lizard all, "Girl, change color, but not too much color or you ain't gon' get that French Vogue spread! Work that detachable tail!" All I'm saying is that it's nice when this show provides very tangible evidence of its farcical nature, and if it can be done so with an animal analogy, that's all the better.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Maybe crazy as that voguing seemed and all the queens and, 'Whoo, bitch, work aaaaat!' crazy. But that's the fashion world. It's crazy!"

This is her defiantly limp-wristed way of telling us, "I'm weird," isn't it? If I want that, I'll watch my pirated copy of Juno again!

However, the fashion world is also, from my arms-length reading of it, very, "Whoo, bitch, work aaaaat!" So it's not all bullshit. Nor is the fact that her queeny outburst is extremely ringtone friendly. And that's all that really matters in the end, isn't it?

1. I was actually going to use the following incident as a Tyraism, but then I realized that it works better when grouped with another example of the tendency people have on this show to out-asshole one another. Watch how this works:

Someone does something inconsiderate, nasty or just plain stupid like, oh, say leaving her pit hair unshaved in a photo shoot.

The out-assholing comes via a response that is inappropriate to an exponential degree:

That woman could not be more disgusted if Fatima told her, "Oh, that's not hair! I wipe with my pit!" For real, for real, Tyra acts like Fatima opened her arm to reveal a landing strip.

Although, Tyra's ensuing credo of, "Clean face, clean hair, clean shaven," is pretty sound advice. It's not, "Don't wipe with your pits, lest you dislocate your whole...situation"-sound, but it's sound!

Let's try another example of out-assholing:

For the record, I was on Whitney's side all through her argument with Dominique. I thought it was absurd that Dominique called her a "racist." I seethed along as Whitney said, "Excuuuze me? I'm racist?" I giggled at the convenient self-awareness of:

"Call me a bitch? Yeah. Probably. But don't call me racist." (Some of my solidarity could come from the fact that she looks a little like Winston in that shot, all bright-eyed and bushy-weaved.) But I got off the train and lost my boner of sympathy when she offered as counter evidence: "My best friend is black!" Why do people even say that? Don't they realize that that's the oldest excuse in the book? It's the new "I don't hate those people!" Major, major points off for being so damn trite, if for nothing else.

Although, two good things did come of it. The first was the Dominique shed some light on the fact that her allegation came from and extremely...colorful imagination: "She could be racist to a Jewish white girl with blue eyes and blonde hair. She could be racist towards a Catholic girl with red hair and, like, green eyes." I really want to see the Aryan Jew and Christmas-tree looking motherfuckers that dominate Dominique's subconscious. Where the wild things are doesn't even begin to describe it.

Obviously, the even-better thing that came out of this was one of the top WTF?-moments in the history of. America's. Next. Top. Mod. El.: Whitney's frantic, "Where's the Saran Wrap?!?!?!?" Why Whitney? Does your black best friend need some? What are you trying to say about black best friends? That they can't afford Saran Wrap?

Regardless:

2. OK, I know I got kind of porno last recap, but seriously?

That shit is bait. Take away the color...

...and you have a case for each and every one of these girls to be nominated for Best Facial at the AVNs. I fear for the old people who only have black and white TVs who just happened upon the photo shoot.

Although, do old people even know about coming on faces and stuff?

But really, what the fuck is next? How can this show top itself in disgusting innuendo/degradation? I can't wait to find out, but here's my hypothesis:

If not this cycle, then soon.

Oh, and did you notice that Tyra got just barely a drizzle of not-cum?

I'm sure she thinks that it's because she's superior, but I think it's because he's just not into her.

3. And how 'bout all the damn posing?

To review:

Commercial

Couture

Catalog

I get couture. I know it involves looking interpretive (if what you're interpreting is the behavior of homosexual birds)...

...but the thing I love about this exercise is that "commercial" and "catalog" are issued as actual commands, which ignores the fact that they're really fucking vague concepts. And so, to the best of my ability, below I'm guessing what products (and catalogs, I guess) each girl was trying to represent via her poses.

 

Product: Trimspa, baby. (Because, yeah bitch, you look like Anna Nicole, and I thought that even before the blonde weave. It's a good thing, embrace it!

There, you're off to a great start!)

Product: Toilet seats. The refinement she exhibits while squatting has me guessing that said seats are of the Bemis variety.

Product: Premarin. Her slogan: Easy, breezy, 60.

Product: Payless Shoes. At least the cheapness will keep the thieving queens away. (Way to go, J, for giving us something actually funny for a change. You're ahead of Paulina, in the imaginary race to entertain me that's constantly happening in my head.)

Catalog: I don't know, are there actual catalogs for Russian mail-order brides? If so, that. If not, how do you say "Talbots" in Russian? Anyone? Anyone?

Product: Albino spider bait. I could see them fleeing to her, all: "Mommy!"

Product: Get in Shape, Girl! It's bound to come back at some point, right?

Product: Fleet Enemas. Fatima's during, Whitney's after. Ah, the difference an enema makes.

Catalog: A brochure for Bora Bora. It is, after all, the painful blowjob capital of the world, and Claire's got just the face for it.

Product: A Scissor Sisters album. Or perhaps a campaign for scissor sisterhood/lesbian awareness. I love that Fatima did this after we heard her say, "Whitney is just like one of those girls that you just hate in high school. Like the cheerleaders who sleep with all the football players." And so what does that make Fatima? One of those girls that sleeps with the football players' girlfriends? Looks like someone's begging for Photoshopped denim on denim! I'll refrain...for now.

But I have to say that for sheer cluelessness and the inevitable bizarreness that results...

...Fatima's kind of winning me over.

4. The best thing about this challenge?

Open pointing and laughter! I no longer have to wonder what this show would be like if taped in front of a live studio audience.

I loved Lauren's reaction to this:

"They were doing like this [wags finger], but I don't know if they were booing me or not, so I'm like, 'Aaaah!'"

You know what? That's exactly what I would be like to because what the fuck does that gay finger wagging mean, anyway? I never understood if it was good or bad. If it's, like, a condemnation or a compliment. I believe it suggests naughtiness, so maybe it depends on how rough the wagger likes it? Someone please tell me: what does it mean?

5. And regarding Benny Ninja, did you know that he is the inventor of the vogue?

Dominique did! Maybe she made that up, but I bet he whispered it to her. I bet he whispers his delusions of grandeur every chance he gets, telling the impressionable girls that he invented the question mark and Post-Its.

I also hate that Dominique seems to be embracing her draggishness. That's supposed to get her down and kill her spirit, damn it! I guess we'll just have to resort to Plan B and chop her dick head off.

Although, she's at no risk of achieving true self-awareness, as long as she's saying shit like this (to Whitney):

And so, this week's Pretty Party is devoted, once again, to Dominique and her geriatric aura. It turns out that even when she isn't posing, she's still advertising shit. Hey look:

Product: Prunes.

Product: Pitted prunes.

Product: Stool softener.

Product: Fiber, and specifically, its resulting glow.

I want to throw in a few more Pretty Partiers:

...because it's not a real party until Anyway and her reverse babyhairs show up. And that concludes this week's Pretty Party.

6. But not being unfair, I will give it up to Dominique for a slammin' picture this week, You Can't Do That on Television bukkake and all...

Also, she looked good here:

So the moral of the story is: not wearing makeup, you can't do that on television.

7. Don't do it! There's still time!

Too late:

I strongly believe that the death knell to Naima's non-career was when she put on that ugly-ass shower cap and toured the CoverGirl plant. And now we get to watch the career suicide all over again. It's like Painted Faces of Death.

Product:

That's as in: You over, girl.

8.

I bet Anyway's unaired response went something like, "I borrowed it from Amis, but I must give it back."

9. OMG, how many fucking times could people say "Vendela" this episode? Over and over and over and over and.... They said it so much that I could only think of this after a while:

It's rare that models make you want to eat, but her curry-ass name had me starving.

10. I know people are ejaculating in Claire's wake every time she comes on screen. While I think she's going to win this cycle, I'm not in love with her. She looks too old to me -- her eyes are too deeply settled and framed with lines for me to be able to buy her having a shot at anything even close to a Jaslene-level career (even though, as many have pointed out, she's done enough work to make her eligibility in the competition suspect). I mean, she's pretty and all, but when she doesn't do her hair, she looks like Angela Bowie...

...or Alicia Bridges or some shit. And I hate "I Love the Nightlife" with so much intensity, I definitely resent Claire for reminding me of it.

11. But you know who's awesome?

Lauren!

Here are three reasons why:

A. In this still, she looks like Vicki the Robot with Down Syndrome:

Or maybe she's just really high!

B. Or drunk! Hear her slur: "When I looked at Marvita, I'm like, 'HeyI'm'nnabeatyourass!'"

Drunk, after all, would easily be explained by:

C.

This girl knows how to have fun. I'm mostly sorry that Marvita's gone, as it means Lauren is (temporarily?) without a partner in crime. Laverne and Crappy are dead.

11. And speaking of Marvita...um...

...awkward!

I hate that she gave up and was so drag queenily dramatic about it.

I hate that her picture evoked memories of those yellow plastic Humane Society collection banks that were at the registers of convenience stores and always made me secretly weep for animals in the pound.

But there is a silver lining. In her exit interview, she said, "I'm happy to have gotten this opportunity for a second time. I'm happy to have gotten this far. Thank you, Jesus." You know when Tyra heard that, she softly said, "You're welcome" and smiled. With her eyes.

Comments

[James]

*dies* Your Jesus reference at the end was the crowning cherry on top of a fantastic cake slice of a post.

[anniet]

As always, hilarious. And now I feel better for thinking Marvita's picture looked like the sad-puppy calendar.

[Amy]

Fabulous as ever, and worth the extra-day wait!

[Drama.Lesbians]

Great post!!

Can someone please tell me what is a Dominique??

[Andrea]

I took a photo of my cat Ellie the other day and it looked just like that photo of Marvita, except without the paint bukkake. And here I was, thinking ol' Marvs looked like a Keane painting.

[cdawg]

sigh... i think Whitney might be the smartest model they've had in the past six seasons... loving her!

seriously how could they say she wasn't doing a good job at the posing competition when heck SHE WON HER ROUND. stupid asses

Dom and Fat needs ta goah.

[ellesee]

Too bad the Easter Bunny in the previous post couldn't teach Marvie to smile w/ her eyes.

[Sanfor]

Each and every time I use the Lord's name in vain, I feel Tyra's presence. Great recap!

and smiled...with her eyes
nice!!
lol

[b]

Great post....and Dominique sucks immensely. Please get her off of my TV screen. Oh, and Saliesha was over before she began.

[jasmine]

Did Lauren say she's going to "meat" Marvita's ass? Hot.

[Joey]

i always love the messianic/tyra references...

[Tina]

LMAOOO that last paragraph killed me

[erma]

I LOVE YOU RICH!!!

Thanks for the recap!

Why do they always photoshop Katarsyna's mole?? Tyra wven said she loved it!

[Andrea]

Oh wow. Last paragraph....Best. Ever.

[Gonzalo]

RICH, YOU ROCK!
I'm a big fan of your blogs, ahahahah you make me lol...
BTW, I'm from Chile so you can start feeling like Tyra and one of her most infinite ANTM reference/speech... "did you know that ANTM is in over 120 countries?". I'm pretty sure she'll start making up some countries someday to feel more succesful...

[amy]

i think that lauren looks like martha plimpton circa goonies.

[Just Some Guy]

"...because it's not a real party until Anyway and her reverse babyhairs show up."

What are reverse babyhairs? I don't understand...

[dodger]

awesome post ty.
Worst Albino spider bait spokeperson ever! with her hair back, she might be that bald lady cenobite in hellraiser 2.
and it's more like sarah polley with downsydrome, or just sarah polley works too.
And are you mocking the messiah and savior Tyty Baby?, cause if you are, you need more catwalk in your life.

[Sven]

Rich, this recap was almost as good as winning a pink guitar from the swag tent.

Does anyone else think that Marvita gave up on the competition because Amis got the boot last week? I was definitely sensing an Ann/Eva vibe between those two, what with the shoulder-rubbing and clinginess and all.

[twist]

Nicely done. The point of your little jab at Marvita at the beginning was that she looks butch, like a 'stereotypical' lesbian? That's all? The beginning, middle and end of your joke is 'haha dyke'?

Funny.

Great post.

[ask]

Agreed!

"Oh wow. Last paragraph....Best. Ever."

[wendy]

Best recap, by far, in awhile. I was in TEARS!

[Amy]

Yes, I imagine that Tyra said "you're welcome" with her eyes just as you said. I'm sad to say that I really can't get behind any of the girls this season. I just hope that Dominique gets the axe before Whitney.

Great recap as always! Love you long time!

[Monique]

Great recap!! I too believe that Claire is going to win and I'm also not in love with her... why does she look like Julia Stiles with no hair??? I will miss Marvita and her (in the words of Fats) "hood and ghettoness"!

[hothands]

They WERE high all the time! A friend of mine works near the top model apt downtown. Clouds of pot smoke were always flowing out of the fab cab he says.
Love your posts every week! Thanks

[hunter]

"You know when Tyra heard that, she softly said, "You're welcome" and smiled. With her eyes."

best. line. ever.

[hal]

That photo of Marvita kills me. It's like a high school yearbook. She should have just gone to photo booth and submitted those.

[Allen]

"You know when Tyra heard that, she softly said, "You're welcome" and smiled. With her eyes."

GEEEEEENIUS! If I haven't said it before, LOVE YOU! I want to move to nyc and live with you, your man and your two cats. Grin.

[Alyson Harley]

I love you Rich! Oh, and my boyfriend's best friend went to prom with vickie the robot. I have the picture. Best thing ever. And Get in Shape Girl???? OMG. I loved that stuff.

[Jessica]

Great Recap this week!
LMAO! You're the best!!!

[ask]

As always love the recap.

But cannot see why Claire keeps getting chosen; I am not a fan.

But I guess that is understandable since I think Dominique still cleans up and photo's very well. Not a fan of her personality - but I disagree that she is "geriatric".

[Mark]

Great recap, but I just wanted to point out that I think Katarzyna is Polish, not Russian. I'm not entirely sure of her ancestry, but I had a professor last year who had "rz" in his name and he said it's a Polish sound, like "zh".

[doughgirl]

I'm really "juiced" that I don't have to hear Marvita say she is "juiced" again.

I loved my Get in Shape Girl ribbon on a stick! Thanks for reminding me of it

[Sarah O]

Dominique is reminding me more and more of Jerri Blank. Holla!

[klate]

off topic a tad, but has anyone else noticed Salisha in those mitsubishi commercials? she looks like an ass driving that car! :)

[maria]

Small Wonder reference = pop culture genius

[Dara]

"Now, if I could nurse from her vagina arm, my whole world would turn right side up."

I am smiling with my eyes at that statement.

Please tell me that is a picture of you with the Easter Bunny and you shopped Marv's head over yours.....

[saram]

I can only imagine what Whitney wanted to do to Dominique with that Saran Wrap.

See: http://www.kickasstv.com/stills/dexter-pilot-1.jpg

[finding the filth]

clouds of pot smoke explain so damn much about this show.

[raymi]

oh it was whitney that said that age line to dominique actually and lauren looks like this.

[cloudy]

Did you really put Fatima's head in the vagina where I think you did?

and please get that prom photo of Vicki the robot, STAT!

[SarahD]

Every time Tyra does one of her "Smile wit ya eyes" routines, I wonder how many thousands of people go, Oh, Rich is going to LOVE THIS!!!

:D

[alexandra]

i'm pretty sure marvita didn't give up, she just had a NASTY hangover. who's with me?

[Loady Smurf]

I totally thought you would have mentioned when Marvita says the phrase"27/7, 7 days a week" a little redundant!

[Jenny]

Katarzyna is definitely Polish, not Russian!! Anya is probably Russian, but Katarzyna is definitely definitely not!

[Maya]

The ridiculousness of Marvita's Horse-mane mullet can only be eclipsed by the side mullet D-woods from Danity Kane.

[somuchlove]

you know, i think i saw marvita in h&m walnut creek earlier this month. she was with her mom and a friend. she's still rocking the mullet. and because i saw her posse there returning tons of clothes without a receipt, i assumed she was no longer in the running towards america's next top model.

[Angela]

i love your recaps. they light up my life, seriously.

p.s did you read that there was some guy stalking Tyra and her vagina arms? creepy shit.

[acolyte]

well worth the wait.
(i miss marvita already).

[SeriousStyle]

Just for the record, I'm a blonde, blue eyed Jew. Naturally even. But if Whitney wanted to be "racist" to me, I'd be okay with that. She's sort of awesome.

And I must agree that the last part there was absolute genius.

[ben]

ahh. i can't stop listening to the "where's the saran wrap?!" mp3. thank you for that one.

[Alice]

This is the first time you have called a winner this cycle, and, so help me, if you are right I am taking a hostage. I deserve better than Claire. I deserve Lauren! And you, Rich, deserve a smooch for another brilliant post.
I thought Marvita looked like an Emmett Kelly sad clown, by the way.

[Mango]

Does anyone else think Dominique looks vaguely like Jerri Blank!?

[Liz]

Amis was on that Reality Remix show hosted by Kennedy this past week and she actually looked decent. She obvs had a lot of foundation on (good thing in her case), her hair pulled back, and a black top with dark wash blue jeans - the ANTM uniform! She learned her lesson a beat too late.

She still sounded like an idiot though.

[ask]

Anyone else think that Whitney NEEDED a bra? That black, mostly backless top was cute - but it was like sad breasts that needed a lift (or to be meausred in length).

[heyabbottt]

This was too funny!

[Nadha]

God, when that Tyra mail said something about "you better WORK!", immediately in my heart of hearts, I thought, please, please, PLEASE let it be RuPaul.

"WORK!"

[Zan]

Have you noticed how much Marvita looks like close, personal friend of Tyra and acting coach/actress, Tasha Smith? I was hoping for a Tyler Perry themed title of this post. Maybe, Why I Did Get Booted? Also, you made my day by mentioning Get in Shape, Girl. I want to support my plus size sister, but Whitney is making it hard. "Look at me! I'm kinda chubby and I'm doing a split!"

[Nadia]

Lordy you took the words right out of my mouth! VINDALOO! it was driving me nuts the amount of times they said it in the episode... loved the last sentence..classic.. thank you so much!

TEAM WHITNEY

Dominique's third person references are getting to me, she's going to have a bad week i can feel it, and when she does i will be there with popcorn.

[faith]

yep, you still rock

[jtalia]

seeing plus sized whitney win this cycle would make me smile with my eyes

[Jeff]

Awesome recap, comme toujours. :P

Fatima presenting her snatch to Whitney was about the most awkward circum-stance I've ever seen.

[Pat]

Uh, is it me or does Lauren look like Thom Yorke in the animated gif? (And pretty much every time she's not made up for the photo shoots, basically)

[michelle]

Does anyone else look at Dominique and see one of those "after" shots from Faces of Meth?

[TyrasSmellyCooch]

Why is Fatima dressed up as Tyra's armpits?

Lol. You know what I'm talkin about.

Amazing as always.

[BlackRaspberry]

Clare = Julia Stiles' mother

[Rotem]

By SARAN WRAP I think she was refering to Dominique's skin. It doesn look pretty much like some dark plastic wrap pulled over bone structure...

[chriso]

Saleisha is actually beating out Domique for elderhood in those My Life... ad spots. Who the hell knew she was eleventy?!

[Julia]

I got your question mark and post-it note shout outs....
Great re-cap!

Thanks,
Julia

[DJXS]

Rich,
To answer the question you posed in your post regarding the "gay finger waving": it's usually a compliment when you see "the kids" doing that. It's bascially a non-verbal way of saying "Work, bitch!", "Yes, Miss Honey, do it!", "Oooh it is ovah for your (fill in the blank)" etc. etc. I often refer to it as "gay applause".

[Jess]

I was happy to wait the extra day because this is the best recap in a long, long time!

[AZ]

I suppose there's no point in mentioning that Katarzyna is Polish and not Russian...

[dude]

thank you i don't get why everyone loves claire she DOES look too old! And i get what you were saying about her eyes.

[milkyaqua]

The even worse thing about Tootie is that they've shown her TWICE at the CG factory. Usually they show the "winner" once but Tootie's been twice in four weeks. I say this makes her the.worst.winner.ever!

Marvita has said in several interviews that she took that weave out. Also, she says Fats is just downright evil no matter how you try and get along with her.

Vague spoilery items lead me to believe Claire is not winning. Even without those unconfirmed rumblings, I think for CG/17 purposes she's too old and a mother.

I think that leaves Anya (who has to nail her commercial), Kat (who Tyra seems to hate but others think her behavior is just a smokescreen so people will be surprised when she wins), or Whitney (the judges seems to like her and this would give Tyra the plussie she seems to so desperately want to win). Lauren would have to nail her go-sees (if she improves her walk) and the CG commercial (can she keep her awkward punk girl in check?).

[Carolyn]

Yes, yes, but what about that hot photographer?! He's prettier than all of them put together.
Daaaamn.

[Toothy Tile]

Whitney attacking Dominique and trying to smother her with Saran Wrap would be the hottest thing to happen on this show, EVER.

Also, I'm surprised Tyra's comment about stealing Lauren's shoes wasn't a Tyra-ism. They're all "Oh damn, a queen stole Lauren's shoes!" and then when Lauren gets her picture, Tyra tells her ".. Lauren... I stole your shoes." Benny Ninja could very well be Tyra's homosexual alter ego.

[Joan]

Hey, did Tyra wear a "Rami" original during judging?

[Blake]

ok. that last paragraph is probably the best thing i've ever read. like ever!

take that jane eyre... u skank.

[Brad]

Yay! Someone else loves Lauren! I immediately liked her off the bat because, to me she looks exactly like Sarah Polley, who's one of my favorite actresses. But even with that amount of goodwill extended, she has proven herself cool in her own right. I know she isn't winning, but she's my favorite one of the bunch.

[amy]

Clarie's face looks so weird too me! Her eyes are so droopy!!

[Your Mom!]

How did you miss Marvita's brilliant "Maybe we gonna be naked. Maybe we gonna be naked in COATS." and her ensuing bored-ass photoshoot, which groaned "Why ain't we naked? Why ain't we naked in coats?"

[Colleen]

I like to think of Whitney's "Where is the saran wrap?!?!?!" as ANTM's version of "Where the HELL is my chiffon?"

[Nessa]

Dominique looks like a kinda-black, female version of Pat Riley.

Am I the only one on the Claire bandwagon?

[Wanda]

Come on! You left out the best line of this weeks show coming from Whitney: "I dont believe in the "F" word...Fat. Perhapst you meant P-H-A-T Phat."

That was priceless. Best plus size girl yet! I love Whitney and her Black BFF.

[Scott Free]

"Painted Faces of Death" totally made my day!

[Alice]

This episode marks the one time I wanted to be on the show for a reason other than showing the girls how simple it is to do these challenges and photo shoots.

I wanted to be there to explain to everyone that the word Dominique MEANT to call Whitney was "prejudiced." Poor girls.

Also, yes, I wanted to eat Indian food by the end of it, too.

[emmie]

You Can't Do That on Television Bukkake? Dear God, that's some funny stuff.

[Storm Keas]

Oh Rich.....
You help me smile with my eyes every Monday.
Give Thanks/Tyra Banks

love ,
Storm

[Pumpin' Irony]

Rich, I'm surprised you failed to credit Miss J's quoting of drag/vogue anthem "Tyler Moore, Mary." And I quote:

By the way, if anybody has happened to found a pair of size 12-and-a-half, black, patent-leather pumps, please bring them to the bar -- there is a reward. Bonnie says it's not gonna work stealing her pumps, bring them back!

Whoo, bitch! Work aaaat!

[Danielle]

"Does your black best friend need some? What are you trying to say about black best friends? That they can't afford Saran Wrap?"

Absolutely fantastic.

[Z]

The Jesus comment was insanely hilarious, that had me lol-ing hard.

[Steve Abramson]

Gotta say Rich, this was one of your better ANTM recaps this season!!! - Now that Marvita is gone (I'm sad to see her go), watch the crying count elevate. Spoilers were announced before the episode that it was Vita's time to go, so I knew it would be pretty dry-eyed...

The Dominique product selling was pinpoint accurate. I hate the bitch - she's GOTTA GO!!!

But sad, you didn't notice the creative editing with Whitney's Saran Wrap incident. Her headscarf is missing and her sweater(?) is unzipped a bit - so clearly it happened later, earlier or completely at a different time... Way to go Tyra - make Whitney look like a total psycho with that random clip thrown in for dramatic purposes...

And thank you for referencing the uber-yummy, uber-sexy, uber-hands-off-he's-MINE-bitch Micheal Rosenthal. Sadly, I don't think we'll see him again now that we're back in NY - but fortunately if I ever want to see him, I can just watch Jade's Cover Girl commercial and kill two birds with one stone.

Thanks :)
Steve

[j]

my complaint: overuse of the word "ignorant."

what is it with these reality shows that makes people think that word means whatever they want?

[rachel rachel bo bachel]

these bitches have replaced crying with synchronized "WOOOOOOOOOOO!"-ing at every opportunity ("it's Benny Ninja!" "WOOOOOOOO!" "tyra mail!" "WOOOOOOOOOOO!" "dominique just broke a hip!" "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!")

excellent recap!

also, it scares me how much whitney looks like anna nicole in that one gif from the photoshoot. it's UNCANNY.

[nidra]

she looks like Vicki the Robot with Down Syndrome.

Oh. My. God. It's true!

I'm officially in love with Lauren now. And, of course, you.

Also, love the Dr. Evil reference. And, you know, you.

[jenner]

Am I the only one on the Claire bandwagon?

Posted by: Nessa | March 25, 2008 at 07:06 PM

NOPE - TEAM CLAIRE HERE, TOO! ;)

BTW, I think Rich KNOWS that Katarzyna is Polish, not Russian. I think it's simply because everyone knows about Russian mail order brides, and the stereotype or whatever (I don't know if there ARE Polish mail order brides...?)

Now, as to whether or not TYRA knows Kat's Polish not Russian, that's a whole other story (I'm going with no...)

[Gareth]

I can't stop cracking up when I hear Marvita say "Vendela" and "Benny Ninjaaaaaa", god I'm going to miss her.

Anyways, I'm loving Lauren too. Best contestant in a long time.

[mamacita]

LOL
the last part was the best
<33

[I]

No Stacy-Ann this week? I would've loved to hear an mp3 of her freakingoutwithouttakingabreath and nospacesbetweenwordsweeee! during the posing challenge!

[Sarah]

Perhaps Dominique rented Paris is Burning (on your recommendation, of course!) and forgot that it was the ball culture Benny Ninja was spawned from, not Benny himself, that invented "the vogue." At least she knew how to put him in SOME kind of context! But that's what you get when you're an octogenarian: your brain mixes shit up ALL the time...

much love for the recap, as always <3

[Sammy]

I look forward to your updates all week. On that note, could someone please tell Dominique to stop slicking her hair back, she obviously will not be leaving any time soon and I cannot stand to look at her hair like that.

[ac]

I heard that she is seeking rich men on mixedfriends.com in these days. Reported by the magazine , she uploaded some of her hot and half naked pictures over there.Just go and check it out.

[Erica]

Doesn't Anyway look like an onion in that last Pretty Party photo?

[Mark]

Well I don't know if you watched the Tyra Banks Show but she did a Very Special Expose on mail order brides and you could order them from all over the world.

[Ruthie]

What I am not understanding is the sheer randomness with which Tyra and Co. pull out the age card-- I mean, they arbitrarily declared Renee too old-looking at the very end of whatever cycle Jaslene won-- I can't be bothered to look it up-- and immediately branded Melrose with the "too old" label, but Dominique isn't? Dominique looks older than BOTH of them...

I don't get it.

[Ashley]

I always thought the Whitney meant she was going to suffocate Dominique with the Saran Wrap, and I never got why everyone else was so confused by it. And now *I'm* confused, but I still think that's what she meant.

[katybeth]

am i the only person who think claire looks like ashley judd?!

http://thenastyboys.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/ashley-judd-2.jpg

and i have thought this since the moment i saw her.

[Tab]

I felt that Whitney’s “My best friend is black” comment more than anything else reflected her naivety. She actually had a look on her face like, “There. I showed you.” It seemed she didn’t realize that it was an excuse generally made by, well, racists, because in her brain duh! How could you have a black best friend and not like black people?
Anyway. It is funny that you mention Scissor Sisters, because while I see the Anne Nicole resemblance, Whitney really reminds me of Ana Matronic. Photo for comparison: http://www.soundaffects.net/photos/ScissorSisters/scissorsisters02.jpg
I thought this photo shoot was heinous. It looked so early ‘90s and those mixes of colors were gagging. When I had heard 'paint', I thought they would just be speckled, like in Tyra’s photo. Not huge runny, globular, blouse-staining spooge.
I was a bit surprised at the case of vapors suffered by the judges over Fatima’s hairy pit. I get after discussing the rest of the photo, maybe mentioning that if she is going to take a picture focusing on it, keep it smooth. After being revived by smelling salts, the judges also lectured her about the cost of retouching. That is such shit, because even I with my Photoshop Elements 2.0 could smooth that out.

[Rachel]

Nice recap, especially the last sentence.

You know what I realized?
Nobody's said fierce for a while.

[Baboo]

I think whitney wanted the saran wrap to suffocate Dominique, wrap her up and ditch her in a lake somewhere. hahaha!

Love Lauren a lot - Claire and Whitney next

[frozenbeneath]

a thousand dollars?
bitch, i photoshopped that armpit hair in 5 minutes for free.

it's called the clone tool.

[Elaine]

Oh my god. Vickie the Robot with Down Syndrome.

I'm hilariously laughing....with my eyes.

[Amy]

Luv.

[andyapples]

Did anyone notice Lauren's fingers in her picture? It looked like she'd been frigging herself on her period.

Then again, I've seen her art. Maybe she had been.

[Daisy]

So, you said Angela Bowie and just as I'm scrolling down thinking "she looks more like Alicia Bridges..." I read, "...or Alicia Bridges or some shit." And then, I smiled with my eyes. Fan-freaking-tastic.

[charlie]

Isn't premarin the cream you put on if you get scabies?
If so, then it is very fitting for Dominique, seeing as how the scabez are quite common in nursing homes.
marry me.

[I'm just sayin'...]

One of your funniest 'caps ever.

[Laurakeet]

Good god Benny Ninja in those vogueing shots...he looks like Yellow Bastard from Sin City. Does he therefore look like Nick Stahl, or just Nick Stahl covered in silicone? Is that better or worse than Mickey Rourke?

Oh and Claire for the win. I'm on Team Lactation! Should've done breast milk bukkake in that tasteless painted-ladies shoot.

[GuyDeLuk]

Je n'aurais pas dit mieux. Love this recap.

Thanks for the A. Matronic reference, I didn't have the link you provide when I called it last week - and now it makes all the more sense. This cycle is a little like Clone Wars- with damn freaky clones, that is. I'm on the Thom Yorke- Vicki the Robot- Tilda Swinton-esque team (Lauren).

[Stephareeno]

Dominique = FUGLY
I can't wait for Dominique to go so Dominique can stop talking about Dominique in third person.
Also, in reference to Get in Shape Girl, HA! I totally had that when I was like 9 and I also had Alyssa Milano's exercise tape too, Teen Steam or something.
Oh, BTW, I hope Whitney is on for a while because I like her. I like Lauren too.

I actually like Claire alot, so far. I think she's pretty enough to make a good model and she's expressive.