Giddy up!

In a way, Marvita had to go. That hair was becoming more unmanageable by the episode.

Potes called it, Marvita saw to it: that shit wasn't a horse mane, it was a mullet. And on someone as butch as Marvita, it made her look a mere spoke away from a Dykes on Bikes parade. I fear that in one more episode, she would have had that spoke.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! Here, girl: have the denim jacket and non-matching denim shirt you're crying out for:

Consider it a parting gift.

Oh, and here's what the back of the aforementioned jacket says:

Gift that keeps on giving, right?

27. Dominique

I don't know what the fuck she was crying about and even if I went back to check, I still probably wouldn't. But the reason is not what's notable -- the fact that this is the only instance of crying in the entire episode is. And I'm not even sure that she's crying -- it could just be that the 50,000-year-old Dominique's glaucoma is particularly glassy today. Regardless, it's been the driest cycle since I started counting teardrops way back in Cycle 5, and I don't think I've ever been faced with an episode with just one instance (and a blink-and-you'll-miss-it-and-or-take-a-protective-layer-or-two-off-your-eyeballs-you-deteriorating-geriatric instance, at that!). It's nuts how non-histrionic these girls are. Do you think they're catching onto the stereotype? Do you think someone hates me? Wait, don't answer that. It'll make me reevaluate my entire existence and create further fissures in my identity.

It's all so confusing. Right about now, I could use a hug from the evergreen point of stability that is Mike Rosenthal. He'd make it better.

Now watch me contradict myself and present all kinds of stability for your ass:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"It's all in the eyes, and it's the thing I say every cycle of Top Model. You're like this, and you need to be...It's like the squint with the eye open..."

Ah, I know it well. Blessed relief! Now, if I could nurse from her vagina arm, my whole world would turn right side up.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"For a supermodel, you pay for a certain look, and she should be a chameleon and still have a semblance of herself in there. Aimee doesn't have that."

I just want to point out that as Tyra was saying this, she was illustrating the path of her logic with her hands:

Really, I just want you to know that it's OK to be confused. It's also, actually, OK for people to seek out that seemingly impossible that Tyra's speaking of. However, since it would seem to require je ne sais quoi out the ass, it's clearly a futile thing to teach. You either have it or you don't. Asking for it would be like approaching a literal lizard all, "Girl, change color, but not too much color or you ain't gon' get that French Vogue spread! Work that detachable tail!" All I'm saying is that it's nice when this show provides very tangible evidence of its farcical nature, and if it can be done so with an animal analogy, that's all the better.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Maybe crazy as that voguing seemed and all the queens and, 'Whoo, bitch, work aaaaat!' crazy. But that's the fashion world. It's crazy!"

This is her defiantly limp-wristed way of telling us, "I'm weird," isn't it? If I want that, I'll watch my pirated copy of Juno again!

However, the fashion world is also, from my arms-length reading of it, very, "Whoo, bitch, work aaaaat!" So it's not all bullshit. Nor is the fact that her queeny outburst is extremely ringtone friendly. And that's all that really matters in the end, isn't it?

1. I was actually going to use the following incident as a Tyraism, but then I realized that it works better when grouped with another example of the tendency people have on this show to out-asshole one another. Watch how this works:

Someone does something inconsiderate, nasty or just plain stupid like, oh, say leaving her pit hair unshaved in a photo shoot.

The out-assholing comes via a response that is inappropriate to an exponential degree:

That woman could not be more disgusted if Fatima told her, "Oh, that's not hair! I wipe with my pit!" For real, for real, Tyra acts like Fatima opened her arm to reveal a landing strip.

Although, Tyra's ensuing credo of, "Clean face, clean hair, clean shaven," is pretty sound advice. It's not, "Don't wipe with your pits, lest you dislocate your whole...situation"-sound, but it's sound!

Let's try another example of out-assholing:

For the record, I was on Whitney's side all through her argument with Dominique. I thought it was absurd that Dominique called her a "racist." I seethed along as Whitney said, "Excuuuze me? I'm racist?" I giggled at the convenient self-awareness of:

"Call me a bitch? Yeah. Probably. But don't call me racist." (Some of my solidarity could come from the fact that she looks a little like Winston in that shot, all bright-eyed and bushy-weaved.) But I got off the train and lost my boner of sympathy when she offered as counter evidence: "My best friend is black!" Why do people even say that? Don't they realize that that's the oldest excuse in the book? It's the new "I don't hate those people!" Major, major points off for being so damn trite, if for nothing else.

Although, two good things did come of it. The first was the Dominique shed some light on the fact that her allegation came from and extremely...colorful imagination: "She could be racist to a Jewish white girl with blue eyes and blonde hair. She could be racist towards a Catholic girl with red hair and, like, green eyes." I really want to see the Aryan Jew and Christmas-tree looking motherfuckers that dominate Dominique's subconscious. Where the wild things are doesn't even begin to describe it.

Obviously, the even-better thing that came out of this was one of the top WTF?-moments in the history of. America's. Next. Top. Mod. El.: Whitney's frantic, "Where's the Saran Wrap?!?!?!?" Why Whitney? Does your black best friend need some? What are you trying to say about black best friends? That they can't afford Saran Wrap?

Regardless:

2. OK, I know I got kind of porno last recap, but seriously?

That shit is bait. Take away the color...

...and you have a case for each and every one of these girls to be nominated for Best Facial at the AVNs. I fear for the old people who only have black and white TVs who just happened upon the photo shoot.

Although, do old people even know about coming on faces and stuff?

But really, what the fuck is next? How can this show top itself in disgusting innuendo/degradation? I can't wait to find out, but here's my hypothesis:

If not this cycle, then soon.

Oh, and did you notice that Tyra got just barely a drizzle of not-cum?

I'm sure she thinks that it's because she's superior, but I think it's because he's just not into her.

3. And how 'bout all the damn posing?

To review:

Commercial

Couture

Catalog

I get couture. I know it involves looking interpretive (if what you're interpreting is the behavior of homosexual birds)...

...but the thing I love about this exercise is that "commercial" and "catalog" are issued as actual commands, which ignores the fact that they're really fucking vague concepts. And so, to the best of my ability, below I'm guessing what products (and catalogs, I guess) each girl was trying to represent via her poses.

 

Product: Trimspa, baby. (Because, yeah bitch, you look like Anna Nicole, and I thought that even before the blonde weave. It's a good thing, embrace it!

There, you're off to a great start!)

Product: Toilet seats. The refinement she exhibits while squatting has me guessing that said seats are of the Bemis variety.

Product: Premarin. Her slogan: Easy, breezy, 60.

Product: Payless Shoes. At least the cheapness will keep the thieving queens away. (Way to go, J, for giving us something actually funny for a change. You're ahead of Paulina, in the imaginary race to entertain me that's constantly happening in my head.)

Catalog: I don't know, are there actual catalogs for Russian mail-order brides? If so, that. If not, how do you say "Talbots" in Russian? Anyone? Anyone?

Product: Albino spider bait. I could see them fleeing to her, all: "Mommy!"

Product: Get in Shape, Girl! It's bound to come back at some point, right?

Product: Fleet Enemas. Fatima's during, Whitney's after. Ah, the difference an enema makes.

Catalog: A brochure for Bora Bora. It is, after all, the painful blowjob capital of the world, and Claire's got just the face for it.

Product: A Scissor Sisters album. Or perhaps a campaign for scissor sisterhood/lesbian awareness. I love that Fatima did this after we heard her say, "Whitney is just like one of those girls that you just hate in high school. Like the cheerleaders who sleep with all the football players." And so what does that make Fatima? One of those girls that sleeps with the football players' girlfriends? Looks like someone's begging for Photoshopped denim on denim! I'll refrain...for now.

But I have to say that for sheer cluelessness and the inevitable bizarreness that results...

...Fatima's kind of winning me over.

4. The best thing about this challenge?

Open pointing and laughter! I no longer have to wonder what this show would be like if taped in front of a live studio audience.

I loved Lauren's reaction to this:

"They were doing like this [wags finger], but I don't know if they were booing me or not, so I'm like, 'Aaaah!'"

You know what? That's exactly what I would be like to because what the fuck does that gay finger wagging mean, anyway? I never understood if it was good or bad. If it's, like, a condemnation or a compliment. I believe it suggests naughtiness, so maybe it depends on how rough the wagger likes it? Someone please tell me: what does it mean?

5. And regarding Benny Ninja, did you know that he is the inventor of the vogue?

Dominique did! Maybe she made that up, but I bet he whispered it to her. I bet he whispers his delusions of grandeur every chance he gets, telling the impressionable girls that he invented the question mark and Post-Its.

I also hate that Dominique seems to be embracing her draggishness. That's supposed to get her down and kill her spirit, damn it! I guess we'll just have to resort to Plan B and chop her dick head off.

Although, she's at no risk of achieving true self-awareness, as long as she's saying shit like this (to Whitney):

And so, this week's Pretty Party is devoted, once again, to Dominique and her geriatric aura. It turns out that even when she isn't posing, she's still advertising shit. Hey look:

Product: Prunes.

Product: Pitted prunes.

Product: Stool softener.

Product: Fiber, and specifically, its resulting glow.

I want to throw in a few more Pretty Partiers:

...because it's not a real party until Anyway and her reverse babyhairs show up. And that concludes this week's Pretty Party.

6. But not being unfair, I will give it up to Dominique for a slammin' picture this week, You Can't Do That on Television bukkake and all...

Also, she looked good here:

So the moral of the story is: not wearing makeup, you can't do that on television.

7. Don't do it! There's still time!

Too late:

I strongly believe that the death knell to Naima's non-career was when she put on that ugly-ass shower cap and toured the CoverGirl plant. And now we get to watch the career suicide all over again. It's like Painted Faces of Death.

Product:

That's as in: You over, girl.

8.

I bet Anyway's unaired response went something like, "I borrowed it from Amis, but I must give it back."

9. OMG, how many fucking times could people say "Vendela" this episode? Over and over and over and over and.... They said it so much that I could only think of this after a while:

It's rare that models make you want to eat, but her curry-ass name had me starving.

10. I know people are ejaculating in Claire's wake every time she comes on screen. While I think she's going to win this cycle, I'm not in love with her. She looks too old to me -- her eyes are too deeply settled and framed with lines for me to be able to buy her having a shot at anything even close to a Jaslene-level career (even though, as many have pointed out, she's done enough work to make her eligibility in the competition suspect). I mean, she's pretty and all, but when she doesn't do her hair, she looks like Angela Bowie...

...or Alicia Bridges or some shit. And I hate "I Love the Nightlife" with so much intensity, I definitely resent Claire for reminding me of it.

11. But you know who's awesome?

Lauren!

Here are three reasons why:

A. In this still, she looks like Vicki the Robot with Down Syndrome:

Or maybe she's just really high!

B. Or drunk! Hear her slur: "When I looked at Marvita, I'm like, 'HeyI'm'nnabeatyourass!'"

Drunk, after all, would easily be explained by:

C.

This girl knows how to have fun. I'm mostly sorry that Marvita's gone, as it means Lauren is (temporarily?) without a partner in crime. Laverne and Crappy are dead.

11. And speaking of Marvita...um...

...awkward!

I hate that she gave up and was so drag queenily dramatic about it.

I hate that her picture evoked memories of those yellow plastic Humane Society collection banks that were at the registers of convenience stores and always made me secretly weep for animals in the pound.

But there is a silver lining. In her exit interview, she said, "I'm happy to have gotten this opportunity for a second time. I'm happy to have gotten this far. Thank you, Jesus." You know when Tyra heard that, she softly said, "You're welcome" and smiled. With her eyes.

Comments

[James]

*dies* Your Jesus reference at the end was the crowning cherry on top of a fantastic cake slice of a post.

[anniet]

As always, hilarious. And now I feel better for thinking Marvita's picture looked like the sad-puppy calendar.

[Amy]

Fabulous as ever, and worth the extra-day wait!

[Drama.Lesbians]

Great post!!

Can someone please tell me what is a Dominique??

[Andrea]

I took a photo of my cat Ellie the other day and it looked just like that photo of Marvita, except without the paint bukkake. And here I was, thinking ol' Marvs looked like a Keane painting.

[cdawg]

sigh... i think Whitney might be the smartest model they've had in the past six seasons... loving her!

seriously how could they say she wasn't doing a good job at the posing competition when heck SHE WON HER ROUND. stupid asses

Dom and Fat needs ta goah.

[ellesee]

Too bad the Easter Bunny in the previous post couldn't teach Marvie to smile w/ her eyes.

[Sanfor]

Each and every time I use the Lord's name in vain, I feel Tyra's presence. Great recap!

and smiled...with her eyes
nice!!
lol

[b]

Great post....and Dominique sucks immensely. Please get her off of my TV screen. Oh, and Saliesha was over before she began.

[jasmine]

Did Lauren say she's going to "meat" Marvita's ass? Hot.

[Joey]

i always love the messianic/tyra references...

[Tina]

LMAOOO that last paragraph killed me

[erma]

I LOVE YOU RICH!!!

Thanks for the recap!

Why do they always photoshop Katarsyna's mole?? Tyra wven said she loved it!

[Andrea]

Oh wow. Last paragraph....Best. Ever.

[Gonzalo]

RICH, YOU ROCK!
I'm a big fan of your blogs, ahahahah you make me lol...
BTW, I'm from Chile so you can start feeling like Tyra and one of her most infinite ANTM reference/speech... "did you know that ANTM is in over 120 countries?". I'm pretty sure she'll start making up some countries someday to feel more succesful...

[amy]

i think that lauren looks like martha plimpton circa goonies.

[Just Some Guy]

"...because it's not a real party until Anyway and her reverse babyhairs show up."

What are reverse babyhairs? I don't understand...

[dodger]

awesome post ty.
Worst Albino spider bait spokeperson ever! with her hair back, she might be that bald lady cenobite in hellraiser 2.
and it's more like sarah polley with downsydrome, or just sarah polley works too.
And are you mocking the messiah and savior Tyty Baby?, cause if you are, you need more catwalk in your life.

[Sven]

Rich, this recap was almost as good as winning a pink guitar from the swag tent.

Does anyone else think that Marvita gave up on the competition because Amis got the boot last week? I was definitely sensing an Ann/Eva vibe between those two, what with the shoulder-rubbing and clinginess and all.

[twist]

Nicely done. The point of your little jab at Marvita at the beginning was that she looks butch, like a 'stereotypical' lesbian? That's all? The beginning, middle and end of your joke is 'haha dyke'?

Funny.

Great post.

[ask]

Agreed!

"Oh wow. Last paragraph....Best. Ever."

[wendy]

Best recap, by far, in awhile. I was in TEARS!

[Amy]

Yes, I imagine that Tyra said "you're welcome" with her eyes just as you said. I'm sad to say that I really can't get behind any of the girls this season. I just hope that Dominique gets the axe before Whitney.

Great recap as always! Love you long time!