La da dee, la da dumb

In this episode, we receive a shock so immense, it couldn’t even fit in Tyra’s Spanx.

Kimberly...

...isn’t interested in...

...fashion! And, what's worse...

...she doesn’t want...

...to be on this show anymore!

If Paulina’s wrap dress opened to expose a penis, I wouldn’t be more surprised!

Oh, and as if that’s not enough, Atalya gets the boot, too. Since she had the personality of the crumpled up "snot nose rag" that Kim so resembled (I mean, really), this has no bearing on my existence. Well, it does mean that I’ll no longer be tempted to call her “Atalya Disco” (y'know, like "Italo disco") at every reference. In a weird way, I feel relieved.

15. Amis

Wow. She looks so...handsome. Who says crying is a sign of femininity?

16. Atalya

The weird thing is, even though I just typed it, I still can’t remember her name.

17. Eh, someone

Disco! Disco! Disco! I’m starin' out the window. Oh, sorry. Zoned out.

I’m sure you already are well aware of what the first Tyraism is, right?

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

“So, ladies, for your very first photo shoot, you portrayed homeless young women. And I have to say that this is an issue that is very close to my own heart. About a year ago, on my talk show, The Tyra Banks Show, I was homeless for a day. And I became that person that, I have to admit, I ignore every single day, because that’s what I was taught. This week, ladies, you brought light to a very important issue. You should be very proud of yourselves.”

Ah, I love when self-righteousness is served family-style. Also, I love that the issue close to Tyra’s heart isn’t homelessness, per se, but portraying homelessness, since if she actually did care about the problem, I assume she would have stopped ignoring homeless people (note the present tense of “ignore”) and/or developed the compassion to understand how tasteless this is:

See, it’s not the thought that counts, just the illusion of it. She’s either completely lost it, or she just doesn’t care to pretend any more. Either way, I gotta admit that I’m kinda feeling it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

“You are a girl that, if you continue in this competition, I’m going to be very hard on you, because you’re already very good.”

Tyra-to-human translation: “You are a girl that, if you continue in this competition, I’m going to be very hard on you, because I’m an asshole.”

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

“Do you wanna just go home? All right. Go home.”

OK, so despite being unable to hide the condemnation that’s tattooed on her face...

…and despite the snottiness that’s tattooed on her disposition...

I think Tyra handled Kimberly’s forfeit really well! Praise without irony! Gold stars! Seriously. Because, make no mistake, Kimberly is an idiot for reasons I will explore very soon. I really think that Tyra did the best job she could do in illustrating how Kimberly’s idiocy spilled over into assholism (she deprived “FLYYY!!!” girl of a spot, the Winston-faced whore!) and then wasted as little follow-up time on that fool as possible. Seriously, a job well done.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

“Fatima, only good picture that you had. But it is fierce. I feel the pain, I feel the glory, I feel the beauty, darling. This is fabulous.”

This is just a Tyraism to point out that Tyra sounds like Eartha Kitt, and I like that. It’s not what she says, it’s how she says it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

“So many girls would die to look like you. You are just like a little Barbie. But the judges just see a pretty, pretty girl. And maybe some commercial modeling, or something, but they said they don’t see high fashion.”

I’m including this as a public service: lest Saleisha, Eva, CariDee and, oh, just the rationale of the past seven cycles, not to mention the Cover Girl and Seventeen associations cloud your understanding, they’re looking for a high-fashion girl. Because unless you have a body like a folded up tent and a head like an alien, you simply cannot shill Wet Slicks. Recognize!

1. You know, I’m almost sad to see Kimberly go.

Any girl who supplies such consistently amazing sound bites that I can’t possibly choose a favorite is clearly something special.

"A lot of people think that I’m this dumb blonde, but I’m actually really down to earth. I feel really special, expecially when I think of all the girls who would love to be in my spot right now."

I think she sounds really special expecially when she uses the word “expecially.” (Also, the first half of this quote was played last week and hearing it again reminded me of how much I adore the binary of dumb/down-to-earth. Those things are not mutually exclusive. That’s like saying, “A lot of people think I’m really smart, but I eat paste.” The point is that you can be smart AND eat paste, and if you need proof, you’re invited to dinner at my place.)

"I know that sounds, like, crazy, like, how you gonna model if you’re not into fashion? But it’s just like, I, like, I don’t know."

Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall all over your words. Oh wait, you’ll, like, do that anyway. I don’t know.

"I saw the no-smoking signs, but I really didn’t feel like I was hurting anyone but myself."

She is digging her own grave and that’s, like, totally cool. Because, seriously, you can’t get more down to earth than 6 feet under it, right?

"It’s really hard to just come in and have, like, people tell you what to do all the time."

What kind of wild, feces-throwing animal resides inside of Kimberly? We’ll never know. :(

I mean...

…I think this picture says everything: “Are you, like, there God? It’s me…um, I forget.”

2. Thank god it doesn’t stop with Kimberly, though. Why is it that the girls seem particularly dim this cycle? And not just the sort of endearing dimness that Anyway exudes.

You know, I’ll see her childlike wonderment…

…and raise her a Scooby Snack.

Anyray ruvs Scooby Snacks!

But yeah, her beautiful mind aside, I almost feel like there should be a Modelism of the Week or something. Except, again, I’d never be able to choose just one. It’d be like potato chips, or children. You tell me which is more delicious.

But anyway, since you didn’t ask, the following flashes of brilliance would be in the running towards becoming the stupidest things I’ve heard all week:

"There’s a big no-smoking sign on the door. As a matter of fact, two of them. So Kimberly, Aimee, Fatima have the nerve to go outside and just smoke!"

I mean, can you believe these girls went elsewhere when faced with no-smoking signs? Was Disco Dolly calling on them to defy authority? If she wanted to set an example, she should have been a little more proactive. Perhaps pissing on the no-smoking sign or Tyra herself would have been the jolt that all of her less courageous competitors needed.

"So we walk out of Elite, and there’s, like, this big taxi-looking limo. And it was so cool because it said, ‘Fab Cab!’"

Cool? I thought it was fab.

"I didn’t know I could actually make people feel upset. It’s interesting."

Yes, Fatima, you can incite a range of emotions within your fellow humans. You have much to learn! Oh, the places you’ll go! Oh the people you’ll provoke into punching your face!

Granted, Fatima could be sarcastic here, and that’s why I included the unrelated screenshot: at least, I hope the reason behind her head covering is sarcastic.

"You know how you’re so nervous that you’re just calm? Right now I’m at that point."

It’s like transcendental meditation, if what you’re transcending is your IQ.

"This hit home like crazy."

Uh, she’s talking about the photo shoot. Doesn’t she mean, “This hit homeless like crazy?”

(Also, as much as I love Marvita, I am not a big fan of this photo, primarily because her eyebrows look like slugs.)

"A) Because it sounds like ‘Amy.’ B) Because it’s in the Bible. Why are you named Marvita?"

Well, at least now we know what was up with her picture this week.

She wasn’t looking into the light. Her eyes were watching God.

And then, God looked at what he had done and it was amiss. Oops, I mean Amis. Easy mistake, as when she's around, it's often as though...

...something is amiss.

3. Oh right! New things! It’s so nice that Tyra got Carol King to sing the new theme.

As for the song itself, I’m glad I’m at least one step closer to finally making out the words of the first verse beyond, “It’s time to make it.” That makes me feel like I’m moving forward in life. Sonically, it’s got a C+C Music Factory grinding thing going on, which is about as grating  and early-90's throwback as the word “fierce.” That is to say that it is entirely appropriate. Love it.

Oh, and in one of the last shots of the intro when the screen gets all scrambled…

…if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that that was Jocelyn Wildenstein. She’s pretty much the only thing left in the world whose presence could make this show more ridiculous than it already is. Tyra, may we have her?

Oh, but maybe my favorite thing is this bizarre shot we see just seconds into the new intro.

Why is she shrugging? Could it be that the question, “You wanna be on top?” is harder than it seems? I think it is. My homosexual brothers, y’all feel me?

And then, there’s the Tyra Mail…

…it seems like a minor point, but having it scroll slowly for all to see makes the girls seem even dumber than they are in unison! It’s like a choir of angles with oversized tongues!

And finally, there’s Paulina.

I gotta admit, I’m not sold on her yet. Don’t get me wrong: she’s the judge with all the potential in the world, but she’s yet to make good on it. The tranny comment was nice, but Dominique’s Joey Lawrence-reminiscent "Wow!" was nicer. I’m glad that Paulina's able to go there, I just wish she were a little more sound-bitey. Really, I wish she were more Janice-y. There is such thing as being too lucid, you know. Right now, I feel like I’m filling in her blanks.

If you can’t read that, hold your monitor up to the mirror. Or just open your eyes really wide like Paulina.

And with Paulina as grand marshal, right about now I think is a great place to throw the first Pretty Party of the cycle!

    

The shot above I took because of Lauren, and it just so happened that Fatima was doing what she was doing. And now I’m obsessed with that. She seriously looks like the mini alien on the tongue of the Alien alien’s tongue.

If Fatima were indeed descended from, uh, alien tongues, it would explain why she’s the meanest African that Marvita’s ever met (which, incidentally, was just about the best thing anyone’s ever said during this show’s entire run).

And you know that this is how our Pretty Party ends.

4. Except, it’s always a Pretty Party when Fatima comes to town.

Really excited for her to get a makeover, because for real, the way her hair generally falls makes her look goatish. You know you can’t dress her in anything because she’s liable to eat it before the photo shoot ends.

Also, what was up with her fucking slapping Marvita in the face?

Why is she even walking around with her hand extended? Is she satirizing royalty?

This girl is like a riddle tucked in a mystery wrapped in an egg roll. I don’t even want to crack her open for fear of confusion and burning my tongue. Like that possibly sarcastic comment she made up above is a great example of how confusing she is. When she pointed out that Katarhoweveryouspell it and Marvita both have smooshed faces…

…did she really not know that she was being bitchy? Is it strategy?

Bottom line: she is up everyone’s ass.

...including the Statue of Liberty’s.

5. Even though the judges praised this many of this week’s photos, I thought they were terrible! Like...

...she’s not so much "draggish" as drag-gone.

Paging Ellen...Page.

And this one...

Ugh! Pain! It looks like burning! Recently, there was a True Life on MTV whose topic was something along the lines of, “I’m Fat and I Love It.” One of the subjects they followed was a 400-lb. or so Southern gay guy who was desperate to form a chubs and chasers community in whatever because, though his area may have been Bumblefuck, he wasn't getting any. So he decided to throw a fats-and-the-men-who-love-them mixer, which turned out to be tragic beyond your Mandee-in-a-dead-mall dreams. During the planning stages, he met with local drag queens to scout performers and one of them looked exactly like Stacy-Ann does above, except she was toothless. She’s toothless! And she stands there, singing for money!

Hmmm, on second thought, maybe Stacy-Ann nailed that one.

6. And speaking of gender-bending and this shoot, I think what was notable about the "homeless" models wasn’t that they were homeless, but that they were trannies.

   

And, uh, not homeless, apparently. My boyfriend told me that Angelika (spelled like the movie theater and just as pseudo-cultured, no doubt) and Isis were both on this MSNBC documentary recently and Isis, at least, is not homeless. I mean, she has a fucking MySpace. You’re never homeless if you have a MySpace! I guess that’s the beauty of our generation. I guess that’s the lesson. Well, either that or it’s enough to merely say you’re homeless to get your point of half-hearted compassion across. But then, we already knew that didn’t we?

7. And rounding out the trannytalk, why for the love of god does Dominique wear her hair like this?

She looks the Adelaide, the maid between Mrs. Garrett and Pearl on Diff’rent Strokes.

(Sorry so small. It was all I could find!)

Look, even Adelaide’s like, “Bitch, please. That shit's not model.”

8. I saw this shot of Jay…

...and all I could think was, “teen idol.” For all y’all who love and defend him, this Internet locket’s for you:

9. Oooh! Someone’s got a girlfriend!

The beauty of this show is that so does someone else. Anyway is so Marvita's bitch. I wonder if she realizes that yet.

10. Now that Saleisha’s haircut gone…

I really miss it. Don’t it always seem to go that way?

11. And finally, someone I didn’t talk about this time is Claire. That’s because I can’t even think about her without visions of breast pumps dancing in my heads. Yes, that’s right: heads. Claire haunts me and this is why:

Or maybe it’s just that she (as a reader called "fisticuffs" pointed out) looks so much like Pete Wentz, she might as well have her cock out in front of a bathroom mirror at all times.

Breast milk. Pete Wentz. I don’t know what’s scarier. I'll be meditating on that one till the next recap.

Comments

[Mark]

Katarzyna <3

[Mardi]

Hey Rich,

Thank you thank you thank you - as always. Love your recaps.

Funny, Kim was so hideously ugly, she was a little peroxide midget, but she took a "fierce" photo! Can't believe she didn't even make it past the first week. Gotta be strong to hang with with these bitches!

[Sarah_O]

Brilliance. Always with the brilliance.

[eri]

Tyra Banks morphs into Jocelyn Wildenstein! I love it. Your recaps make my Mondays happy.

And, Fatima just has a bad case of ramen-head. She is incredibly beautiful.

I just wanted to add that:
"She’s toothless! And she stands there, singing for money!"
Made this gloomy winter day entirely better.

La da dee, la de dah..
Merci, Rich!

[Jackie]

Did anyone else notice how terrible the lighting was during judging? It made the girls look fuglier than usual when the individual judging happened.
And, Mr. Jay's pants during the fashion show?? OMG.

[' O ']

Not a single mention of Whitney! I'm sort of sad X3 I LOVED her windblown hair thing at the end of the runway. there's something so Delta Burke about her that I just can't help but love.

[Kim]

Part of me wants Fatima to stay on the show, just to see how many feathers get ruffled, but then the other part of me is like she is a bieotch and not that good looking. Be gone.

Katrizzziiinnnaaa (whatever) on the other hand, I dig the most.

[Brian]

You had me rolling on the floor laughing. Not only are you completely sexy, but hilarious. Can't wait til the next one.

[B]

Yay, no more Kimberly! Now just get rid of Amis and especially Allison, and we might have a show worth watching...oh yeah, and please, for the love of god, do something with Claire's hair.

[Holly Won't]

Where can I order my Jay Manuel locket?

[sc]

I was very sad that you did not mention allison's intense vaginal arms at panel. They kept alternating between her child-like ones and tyra's increasingly saggy ones. I felt like the editors were specifically giving you a little gift:)

[SeriousStyle]

Oh. My. God.

The Scooby Snacks comment had me literally laughing out loud. Of course then I got to Fatima as a goat eating the clothing and that just had me needing to pee I was laughing so hard.

Kim as tissues was a fantastic visual as well!!

Is it just me or does Allison remind anyone else of Sarah Silverman.

And Claire totally looks like someone other then Pete Wentz and I can't put my finger on it.

Also, is anyone else reminded of Lisa, Cycle 5, when Amis pops on screen? She's like the same person but possibly weirder and with less effort.

[pricolatino]

Winston-faced whore!

Oops, I wet my pants. Thanks.

[Kate]

Whitney's name is misspelled on Miss J's glittery military jacket. Why am I not surprised (I actually AM surprised that they didn't bold the font or make it bigger to point out once again that she's "this cycle's plus-sized girl" AKA mid-cycle cannon fodder).

I don't normally comment about one of your "throwaways" (if I can call them that), but the part of Anyway not knowing if she's Marvita's bitch or not is PRICELESS...

Except you've gotten her name wrong - it's ENYA!!! - C'mon if Homer Simpson can have that old B&W cartoon stuck in his head, tell me Anya doesn't have "Sail Away... Sail Away... Sail Away" stuck in hers... Her brain is as void as a lemonade commercial (lemonade LITE I might add!)

I still say Lauren for the win!

[John]

Claire looks like Julia Stiles given the same haircut as Gary Oldman from "The Fifth Element", great recap again, thanks

[rae]

To me, with that crazy-ass "washing the face, put the hair up" hairdo, Dominique is just showing how much she looks like Vin Diesel. Take a good look, and picture him with a few months of estrogen therapy.

Am I right? I totally am.

[Joe M]

Tyra actually believes this shit, Rich. She was all, "You girls should be really proud of yourselves." The sad part - most of them probably were.

Marvita and Anya were all over each other this episode, by which I mean - bumping lezzie doughnuts by ep 5.

I liked Kim and her Play-Doe face and half-wit personality. Whouda thunk that she would be the one who would exert any sort of personal assertiveness to Ms. Banks like that? And she didn't even blubber like Ebony, she was all "Ya, this is horseshit. KAITHNXBAI!" Loved you, little lolcat.

Not long for this cycle: Alison, Amis, Stacey Ann.

Loved this recap, babe - hope you're cheering up. Was 51 degrees in Chicago!

[Jenn]

Maybe someone mentioned this (but I'm guessing not due to the nickname you've given her), but you should call Katarzyna "Kasia". Pretty much every Katarzyna goes by Kasia.

[JewBee]

Brilliant recap as usual Rich; you make my Mondays!
Anyone else think that Dominique looked like Heath Ledger at panel, and that Claire looks like Julia Stiles if Julia Stiles were exotic?

[BlackRaspberry]

you know, Kim really should be held responsible for taking FLYYYYY girl's place. I really wish she'd been in the house, if only to see if she'd pimp it out.

[Rita]

I hope Marvita and Fatima go all riot grrrl and make a zine about FGM and rape and molestation. I loved their bonding time. HA!

[barby]

I will never understand the saleisha love. never. I almost punched my tv out when she did her commercial.

The Alien bit was awesome, though, and totally makes up for any saleisha favoritism. We can all forget about the past, and bond over Anyway.

[vleones]

I love how Kim goes, "Now that I'm doing it I realized I'm just not that interested in it" or whatever it was she said. I mean I know they edit the days together and it looks a lot shorter than it really is, but she couldn't have been there more than, what, a week? Wuss.

Also, I found myself shouting "She does!!" the moment I read the bit about how Claire looks like Pete Wentz. I would have a problem with it except for the fact that Claire is currently my favorite and as big of an ass as Pete is, I don't really mind him that much. Still. Good call.