Everything good in Anna Nicole

That Willa Ford-led Anna Nicole biopic that seemed like a moderately big deal a few months after her death (Variety article, you know?) leaked on the Internet last week to no absolutely no fanfare (it doesn't have so much as a Rotten Tomatoes page). Why am I surprised that nobody cares? A zero-budget anything that attempts to distill Anna Nicole Smith's nonsense is a breeding ground for campy crapiness.

The torrent I, uh, saw wasn't labeled DVDRip or DVDSCR, which leads me to believe that no official release by way of DVD is even in the pipeline. I'm guessing that this thing really was just dumped online for free because no one would take it. Fair enough! If Anna Nicole were to come back from the dead (which, actually, the film suggests! Oops, spoiler!), she couldn't produce the hilarious incoherence that goes down in Anna Nicole better herself. Imagine the people who brought you Goddess (Showgirls' fictional extravaganza) applying their talents to a Lifetime-movie version of Anna Nicole's life (while cluelessly retaining about three percent of the boobage), and you're more than halfway there. The thing has the look of a softcore porno, without any of the sex. It's softcore softcore and cheesy as a puff. Willa Ford plays Anna Nicole Smith with the gusto of a hyperactive kid at a light switch - she's on, she's off, she's on, she's off. Onoffonoffonoff. At this point, it's probably needless for me to say that I kind of love it.

Most of the good parts are in the video below. They are organized by theme. Please at least forward to the last two or so minutes, to watch Anna Nicole rise from the dead and get all kinds of meta. When the script has Anna Messiah impossibly revealing her reaction to the media frenzy over her death ("You'd think with everything else going on in the world, they'd have something better to do") all of your suspicions are realized: this is a fucking farce.

Comments

[jambajim]

"they're tender"

ha!

[jordan]

wow, that news footage seemed higher budget than the rest.

ANS was quite the character.

[P]

I owe you my life for this. But please tell me there were pickles and crazy lesbians too.

[Sey]

If anyone could point me in the direction of the torrent, I'd be eternally grateful.

[Nonplussed]

You know?
It seems to me that she lived her life like a candle in the wind...
Just sayin'

[houseofjules]

I can only hope the end credits roll to the theme song from her E! reality show: "Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Nicole, you're so outrageous".
Jules
House of Jules

[Tommy]

........... awesome.

just. awesome.

[Maximum Big Surprise]

Willa Ford's character is more intelligent than the real Anna Nicole was. Have you ever heard the real Anna Nicole talking in full sentences and giving words of wisdom??? I don't think so! By the way, they should have hired Whitney from ANTM to play the role. She's the spitting image of Anna Nicole.

[Tess]

my god. I did not need to watch that first thing in the morning

[AJ]

yeah, i didnt need to watch this first thing in the morning either. did they really do the ending words in purple?

[John]

i am downloading this now. i have a feeling i will love this. haha! thanks rich!

[Lizzie]

If the movie was gonna be this crappy why didnt they just rush release it when people cared they were making a movie in the first place.

Loved the postscript in magenta...awesome.

[maRY]

So that pink font was messing with my eyes and I completely read that last blurb as "Anna was buried inside her son Daniel. May they rest in peace."

[belicoso]

I can't believe that anyone financed this movie. You have to imagine that a group of people sat down and said "yes, this sounds like a winner lets sign the checks." Mind Boggling. Though I do wonder how realistic the gold-digging is on film....some things a woman is just born with and others can't even hope to convey it like Anna did.

[sissygirl]

ok wheres the link to watch this thing... give it up!

[david]

wow. this cost money to make... somebody actually spent a dollar on it.

[maroi]

"Look at these titties. They pick up stuff."

seriously amazing. I don't even know what to do with myself, that's how boggled my mind is.

[James]

O
M
G

I'm too excited to breathe right now

[Laurie]

Obviously- Anna Nicole went to heaven and Daniel went to hell to have there afterlives converge like that. All eternity with that nutjob. Whooo!

[Trashley]

Is there any Shelly?

[seeldee]

Oy. Something about Willa Ford as Anna Nicole reminds me of Whitney Port from The Hills. Once my brain made that connection, watching this clip reel became more and more bizarre.

[Sami]

Oh god, that does play like a porn..

Although, I must say, Anna Nicole Has Never Looked Better....

And that accent it soothing after awhile....weird??

[catina]

HEY!?!... isn't that the pine-sol lady?

what would have made that ending great is if the rise-from-the-dead anna had a containter of pine-sol in her hand. or maybe, some pine-sol bling hanging around her neck.

THAT would have been AWESOME!

[knifelicker.com]

Love it!!!! Twatta Ford is perfect!!!!!!!

[Jaime]

I feel dumber for having watched that clip..... but if anyone has the link to the whole thing please give it up..... I feel the need to feel even dumber. Rich, thanks for giving us the heads up to this delicious piece of garbage... that I will watch in its entirety!