Everything good in Anna Nicole

That Willa Ford-led Anna Nicole biopic that seemed like a moderately big deal a few months after her death (Variety article, you know?) leaked on the Internet last week to no absolutely no fanfare (it doesn't have so much as a Rotten Tomatoes page). Why am I surprised that nobody cares? A zero-budget anything that attempts to distill Anna Nicole Smith's nonsense is a breeding ground for campy crapiness.

The torrent I, uh, saw wasn't labeled DVDRip or DVDSCR, which leads me to believe that no official release by way of DVD is even in the pipeline. I'm guessing that this thing really was just dumped online for free because no one would take it. Fair enough! If Anna Nicole were to come back from the dead (which, actually, the film suggests! Oops, spoiler!), she couldn't produce the hilarious incoherence that goes down in Anna Nicole better herself. Imagine the people who brought you Goddess (Showgirls' fictional extravaganza) applying their talents to a Lifetime-movie version of Anna Nicole's life (while cluelessly retaining about three percent of the boobage), and you're more than halfway there. The thing has the look of a softcore porno, without any of the sex. It's softcore softcore and cheesy as a puff. Willa Ford plays Anna Nicole Smith with the gusto of a hyperactive kid at a light switch - she's on, she's off, she's on, she's off. Onoffonoffonoff. At this point, it's probably needless for me to say that I kind of love it.

Most of the good parts are in the video below. They are organized by theme. Please at least forward to the last two or so minutes, to watch Anna Nicole rise from the dead and get all kinds of meta. When the script has Anna Messiah impossibly revealing her reaction to the media frenzy over her death ("You'd think with everything else going on in the world, they'd have something better to do") all of your suspicions are realized: this is a fucking farce.

Comments

[jambajim]

"they're tender"

ha!

[jordan]

wow, that news footage seemed higher budget than the rest.

ANS was quite the character.

[P]

I owe you my life for this. But please tell me there were pickles and crazy lesbians too.

[Sey]

If anyone could point me in the direction of the torrent, I'd be eternally grateful.

[Nonplussed]

You know?
It seems to me that she lived her life like a candle in the wind...
Just sayin'

[houseofjules]

I can only hope the end credits roll to the theme song from her E! reality show: "Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Nicole, you're so outrageous".
Jules
House of Jules

[Tommy]

........... awesome.

just. awesome.

[Maximum Big Surprise]

Willa Ford's character is more intelligent than the real Anna Nicole was. Have you ever heard the real Anna Nicole talking in full sentences and giving words of wisdom??? I don't think so! By the way, they should have hired Whitney from ANTM to play the role. She's the spitting image of Anna Nicole.

[Tess]

my god. I did not need to watch that first thing in the morning

[AJ]

yeah, i didnt need to watch this first thing in the morning either. did they really do the ending words in purple?

[John]

i am downloading this now. i have a feeling i will love this. haha! thanks rich!

[Lizzie]

If the movie was gonna be this crappy why didnt they just rush release it when people cared they were making a movie in the first place.

Loved the postscript in magenta...awesome.

[maRY]

So that pink font was messing with my eyes and I completely read that last blurb as "Anna was buried inside her son Daniel. May they rest in peace."

[belicoso]

I can't believe that anyone financed this movie. You have to imagine that a group of people sat down and said "yes, this sounds like a winner lets sign the checks." Mind Boggling. Though I do wonder how realistic the gold-digging is on film....some things a woman is just born with and others can't even hope to convey it like Anna did.

[sissygirl]

ok wheres the link to watch this thing... give it up!

[david]

wow. this cost money to make... somebody actually spent a dollar on it.

[maroi]

"Look at these titties. They pick up stuff."

seriously amazing. I don't even know what to do with myself, that's how boggled my mind is.

[James]

O
M
G

I'm too excited to breathe right now

[Laurie]

Obviously- Anna Nicole went to heaven and Daniel went to hell to have there afterlives converge like that. All eternity with that nutjob. Whooo!

[Trashley]

Is there any Shelly?

[seeldee]

Oy. Something about Willa Ford as Anna Nicole reminds me of Whitney Port from The Hills. Once my brain made that connection, watching this clip reel became more and more bizarre.

[Sami]

Oh god, that does play like a porn..

Although, I must say, Anna Nicole Has Never Looked Better....

And that accent it soothing after awhile....weird??

[catina]

HEY!?!... isn't that the pine-sol lady?

what would have made that ending great is if the rise-from-the-dead anna had a containter of pine-sol in her hand. or maybe, some pine-sol bling hanging around her neck.

THAT would have been AWESOME!

[knifelicker.com]

Love it!!!! Twatta Ford is perfect!!!!!!!

[Jaime]

I feel dumber for having watched that clip..... but if anyone has the link to the whole thing please give it up..... I feel the need to feel even dumber. Rich, thanks for giving us the heads up to this delicious piece of garbage... that I will watch in its entirety!

[Heather]

For some reason I half-expected a Predalien 'Fierce!' at the end. I think Anna would have wanted it that way.

[Timmy Ray]

Friends don't let friends drive dead!

[Rkitty]

Willa Ford? I thought it was Brittany Murphy...

[not Shelly]

patron. saint.
of gay men.
all around
the
world.

[Matt Blender]

Was that woman who called the ambulance the same woman in all those Pine Sol commercials?

[princemoney]

This was lovely. although it really looks like a great movie. im glad i only had to watch this much and now i can totaly brag about having seen it, while only spending five minutes of my precious time. lol

oh an p.s. ol' (and i do mean old) whats her name that got kicked off model last. she totaly looks like chris crocker. i swear.

[Donna]

oh god.

[Annegret]

Poor Anna Nicole. Am I the only one that felt a little sad at the end of that? Jeebus, there's something wrong with me!

Hey Rich, here's a funny cat video on YouTube that you should check out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4

[Christina]

That was amazing. Why won't they release it in the theaters? I know an Oscar Contender when I see it.

[Nicolars]

Imagine the people who brought you Goddess (Showgirls' fictional extravaganza) applying their talents to a Lifetime-movie version of Anna Nicole's life (while cluelessly retaining about three percent of the boobage), and you're more than halfway there.

Is it sad that your description makes this sound good to me? I will probably look for a torrent of this now when I get home from work.

[Kitten]

The final shot of Anna & Daniel was like the final shot in Sid & Nancy except, you know, less interesting.

[divaTy]

My titties NEVER pick up stuff. Am I doing something wrong?

[Genus Species]

Was that Karl Malden?!?

[Hope it helps]

http://www.btmon.com/Video/Movies/Anna.Nicole.2007.DVDRip._KVCD_666_Inc.torrent.html

[Dandy Darkly]

You need to rent the "Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield." ANS and JM's stories are so similiar its eerie.

[Laketa]

It's torrenting as we speak. Can't wait.

[Colin]

This is unbelievable.

to my dismay, they did seem to leave out the moments where Anna really, really loves NesQuick.

[Sarah]

That was life-changing. Drinking game! Every time someone says "titties", "Marilyn Monroe", or "TrimSpa", do a shot!

I don't remember ANS's facial expressions being that... special. And by "special", I mean the short bus kind of special.

[Elaine Penn]

Wow, thanks for posting this! And thanks Genus Species for posting the .torrent!

[queerunity]

the sad part is i like anna nicole, id see a movie

http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com

[hal]

Best part @1:30-The photog said show me Marilyn Monroe, not have a stroke.

[Lex]

Oh wow. That was hilarious! I feel like I just lost 90% of my brain cells. My titties never pick stuff up either. Why is that?

[BayBB]

I would argue that the two girls making out qualifies it for soft-core porn.

[mara]

"spunks a funny word...you got spunk? you wanna have sex!"

i need to see this movie...NOW.

thanks for the link anonymous and thank you rich for bringing this into my life.

[Julia]

No, Anngret, I felt sorry for her too at the end.

Julia

also http://www.watch-movies.net/movies/anna_nicole/
You don't need to download it but you do need Mozilla Firefox

[M]

Oh. My. God. I LOVE it. Do they do anything involving the Anna nicole show? Sometimes I think I made it through high school by watching that show. What an amazing disaster!

RANTING DETAILS!

[blah]

oh rich, i love you so. thank you for this brilliant compilation for my sunday morning.

[celebrity sex scandal pictures video gossip]

hgf tahnx

[nicole]

wow that was painful to watch...horrible acting

[Teamcanada]

Is that Mr. Wilhelm from Seinfeld as J. Howard Marshall? Brilliant.