This happened exactly this way:
Tracie and I were standing outside Lure on Friday evening. She was smoking a cigarette; I was reminding myself how wonderful being free from nicotine feels (having been in the belly of the beast of nicotine addiction, I think I'm allowed to gloat every one in a while, OK?). We spoke about nothing in particular when I noticed a stout woman coming down the sidewalk toward Prince Street. The chief reason I noticed her was that she was waving frantically. Like a middle child on a parade float, she seemed desperate for attention. I looked behind me, saw no one stationary she could possibly be waving at, and averted my eyes anyway, assuming that she had some sort of telescopic vision or imaginary friends. Tracie and I resumed talking about nothing, and my eye wandered to see the wild waver still serving her purpose. She was getting closer.
But whatever, I still figured that her flailing had nothing to do with us. I hasten to take credit for something so beautiful. Finally she reached us and breathlessly asked, "Are you Stefan and Sinja?" Now that she was mere feet away, I noticed that she was exactly what Sally Kirkland would look like if you compressed her down to about 5'2" and lost none of the mass or pseudo-witchiness. She was maybe 35, but I wouldn't have been surprised to find out she was 55. Hard to say. One of those. I could also see that the top of this woman's towhead was buzzed with about a month's worth of growth, in my estimation. The sides and back, were, however, long. Without the top layer, this brought her hair to a stringiness level I'd previously only seen in films directed by Rob Zombie. She had a tiny labret piercing. It was, by far, the daintiest thing about her.
Stefan and Sinja we were not, and our unison "No!" came out more like a "Ha!" "Oh, you probably think I'm some crazy girl..." she said, as she quickly ushered herself out of our lives and down the stairs. "Girl?" Tracie asked when she was out of earshot. And then: "Sinja? Is that like Simba?" "As a ninja!" I laughed. Because of all the amusing things about the situation, the fact that there is someone on this earth who's named "Sinja" might be the funniest. OK, I'm lying: the fact that this woman was clearly meeting Stefan and Sinja for the first time, probably for a Craigslist-orchestrated three-way (I mean, come on -- it's the most plausible explanation) and that she revealed this to two other strangers was the funniest thing. The jig was up for this woman, who just now I developed an urge to refer to as "Candy Waver." And so that is her name.
Tracie and I eventually went back inside and after about 15 minutes, my mind wandered back to Candy Waver. So I took a trip to the bathroom to scope out the restaurant. I saw her sitting at a table large enough for four all by herself. That made me sad. She didn't seem so bad, just kind of abusive to her limbs and appearance. Certainly, nothing in the four seconds we spent talking to her indicated that she should be stood up for the seafood she was to have before a night of clam-diving and snorkel-handling. It wasn't fair! Candy Waver deserved better than fish for one. Everybody does.
I got back to our space on the couch in the bar area and told Tracie about Candy Waver's solo project. Sadness abounded. Not long after, Tracie and I were ready to leave, I told her that we should do one more lap of the restaurant, in hopes that Candy Waver's story wouldn't turn out to be the tragedy it clearly was. And it didn't! From across the restaurant, we could see that she was seated with not two additional people, but three. Kinky and kinkier! When we looped around, we got a good look at the people she was sitting with. One was a young girl who was, by any measure, cute. She had heavy eyeliner on and black hair with bangs. Sitting next to her was a young dude with a buzzed head. Holy shit. In case you don't know, Tracie and I look like this:
Stefan and Sinja were our dopplegangers! Candy Raver's display outside the restaurant wasn't so much over-eager attention-begging; it was an honest mistake! Tracie and I walked past swiftly, failing to stifle our laughter as we rushed out of Lure. I now knew what Bart and Lisa felt like when they encountered these two:
Not that I hate or feel threated by Stefan and Sinja. Quite the contrary: I'm so glad that things worked out for Candy Waver.