Riddle me this:
Was Katarzyna so boring that the shot above serves as a visual metaphor for her ability to fade into whatever background she's given (even big, ugly, pink bed linen), OR, was she so boring that I kind of had to just take whatever half-assed concept I could dig out of my butt to serve as the intro to this recap?
I have sad news, but don't cry about it. No one else is: for the first time in the history. Of. My. Recapping. Of. America's. Of. Next. Of. Top. Of. Model. Of., no one cried! Whitney came the closest when she was almost eliminated again...
...but you know that you're not going to see Whitney crying until Edna's Edibles burns down again. And no, I'm not just saying that because she's the plus-sized girl. Edna's Edibles had soul; Over Our Heads didn't. Real talk.
So yeah, I can't even know what to say about this lack of tears. Actually, it's kind of a relief - the fewer things to write about, the longer I get to sleep. Tonight, I shall dream of demons playing slot machines and disembodied sex in which I'm not sure whose what is going where. Heavenly, no?
Update: I fucked up. All of this is wrong. Well, all of it except for the part about Edna's Edibles having soul.
Actually, I don't even get that much of a break because there was a plethora of Tyraisms this week. Janice leaves, she picks up the crazy slack. The girls cease crying, she picks up the easy-target slack. This woman is bleeding for us. Bleeding! I hope you appreciate it as much as I do.
"Mama's in charge today, and mama's going to be taking her babies' pictures!"
The best thing about this is that she's holding the camera up to her tit, as though it's a breast pump. She lives as she speaks, I suppose.
And speaking of tits...
"Us girls that have these boobies, here?
It's like, yeah, fashion is all about...
...uh uh! But because we have these, we have to go...
I'm fairly confident that merely regurgitating and gif'ing that (regurgigifing?) suffices in explaining its awesomeness. I just have two things to add: what about girls with boobies that aren't "here," but that are on their backs? Are they not allowed to be high-fashion?
And the second thing is: uh uh all through the day to the break of dawwwwwn.
But that kinda goes without saying: pretty much the second supporting point to any of my arguments is "Freak Like Me" owns you and your life and your ass, you dirty little whore.
"Yes, that's your thing. You have to think, 'More fashion, less sex.' It takes the hooch away."
I think by that logic, anyone who's emaciated needs to think more food, less undernourishment. It takes the starvation away.
(Major props on "hooch," though.)
"Bonsoir ladies...wait, wrong country..." What follows is about 50 seconds of free-associative nonsense and bizarro accents. It's pretty much this show in a nutshell: stupid shit begets more increasingly stupid shit until it all climaxes with Tyra talking like a vampire. Yep, that's pretty much how it always goes, always!
"This kills me because I photographed both of you this week. And remember, I said, 'Mama's photographing the girls'? And that's what I feel. I feel maternal toward both of you."
One girl's going to see the end of her dreams of pseudo-modeling and yammering mindless lies at us for 15 seconds during the Cycle 11 commercials, but the person it's really killing is Tyra. Hmmmm. Sounds like someone's finally getting their comeuppance!
"You have it, but that's not enough!"
If she were to follow Tyra's example, Katarzyna would have needed to add a "bull" and an "sh" to the front of her "it." But knowing her, she would have made it completely unpronounceable, too. Mind the Z's, Kat!
1. Speaking of, why don't we listen to one last Katarzyna megamix? For the road? No amount of learning tools would have ever helped these people learn. The poor, poor thing.
I have two wishes for Katarzyna's future: that she finds herself in the company of people who respect her pronunciation requests, and...
...I hope that Katarzyna finds herself a katarzybra.
(But for real, she did seem gentle and lovable and thus, not at all right for reality TV. I hope she doesn't feel bad about being all but edited out of the show - the strength of your reality TV character most likely has an inverse correlation to the strength of your real-life character. I don't know why I feel the need to spout such obviousness in the wake of Katarzyna's leaving. Maybe it's just that Katarzyna was so docile that she was the equivalent of a human deer to me, and every time she talked [all twice], she took on the persona of Bambi's mother as a girl. And like some acid-eating, Disney-obsessed, chronic-masturbating Holden Caulfield incarnate, I feel the need to save her from this world of falseness. That's just a guess, tho.)
2. You wanna see what gay is?
I see this:
...and I think this:
(You know that instead of a heart-string-pulling, twinkling melody, a belch would sound for as long as you had that thing open.)
I see this...
...and I think...
Seeing these girls dressed like "gladiators" or whatever definitely struck me as ridiculous...
...but what's even more ridiculous is that I have no frame of reference for this shit at all. My dorkiness just doesn't enter the arena of leather-clad hand-to-hand combat. No Gladiator. No Lord of the Rings. Nothing. Not even Willow. Come to think of it, I guess I avoid this sort of thing, however unconsciously. I like Caligula, and while I'm tempted to do something with the fisting scene (as always), I don't think y'all's ready for it.
Like, I'm so gay and lame that as we're seeing close-ups of the girls in their gear...
...I'm thinking that something like this is the next logical step:
That's me: so gay and lame that, unlike the rest of the planet, I liked the Ewoks. I thought they were cute and, be it a repeat viewing of Return of the Jedi or the TV movie Battle for Endor, I'd watch them like this...
...saying all the while, "Those lovable scamps!" and sighing frequently.
All of this is to say that the only kind of sword fighting I know about has nothing to do with actual swords.
3. But the best thing to come out of the gladiator thing?
...after seeing this, Whitney will forever be known to me as:
4. The second best thing?
Getting to look at the smoking-hot Alex Mariotti. And don't even think about taking points off for the spandex shirt. He's Italian, OK? He can't help it. If you start knocking him for his shirt, that's like being racist against Italian people. Who are you, Titney? Is your best friend Italian? Huh? Huh?
5. And speaking of stupid things Dominique implied/said begetting further stupidity, this might take the oddly-bitten-for-lack-of-teeth cake:
"I was a real high-fashion model, OK? And Tyra took my pictures! I mean, this is just a slap in the face to everybody else in America, 'cause nobody else can say that Tyra took their pictures. But she took my pictures! And Tyra loves me." First of all, I'm shocked that she could remove her mouth from mama's nipple-camera long enough to actually say this much. Second of all, why's it gotta be "slap in the face?" You and I know what Dominique means, but she uses the most needlessly hostile language to get to her destination that doesn't even exist (like, no matter how long you suckle, your shit's over in two weeks and you're not a high-fashion model, Oldie Hawn). This is, like, dictionary-definition aggressive stupidity.
There's a real love-me-because-no-one-else-does vulnerability in Dominique's words and sometimes the social awkwardness that comes out in just the way she moves her eyes breaks my heart...
...but I wonder if that isn't part of some plan to turn me to stone or something.
6. This week, in an email titled "antm comparison craze," a reader named Meg B., wrote: "Did you notice how many people were compared to other things in this last ANTM episode? Here's the ones I heard... Dominique is Cruella DeVille...
...Whitney is Xena's Sidekick...
...Whitney is a mushroom..."
(And to this one, I say, that's not a mushroom...
...that's a mushroom!)
"...Whitney is Mae West, etc."
So true. Everything is the new everything else. <Corky St. Clair voice>That's fashion!</csv> And there were even more:
In this one, J said to Katarzyna, "You were making this face," although the side-to-side proves that, uh, no she wasn't. I love how the judges not only spell out their uselessness, they spell it out phonetically.
This was more of a contrast than a comparison from Nigel, in which...I don't know. Katarzyna was so wrong she was right and then she went back around to wrong again and landed in Dominique's cleavage that so badly wants to exist while Tyra fed them both with her lactating camera. Or something.
I'd like to add a comparison to the mix:
...and one more, on a meta level:
It's all one big analogy, and frankly, that makes my job ("job") a lot easier.
7. Two things connect the following shots: they all occurred within seconds of each other, and they all illustrate the various ways people facially deal with constipation:
Give it up for the clenched fists!
And you know Tyra's got IBS, so she's all...
And that ends this week's Pretty Party.
8. And who haven't I talked about enough. Oh, that's right!
For one thing, she looks like Jon Stewart in that picture. For another, she isn't always easy on the eyes to begin with, but she makes her situation so much worse with the nasty faces she makes. She, like so many, is her own worst enemy. She's also my corneas' worst enemy. Consider this gallery of Dom's most unfortunate faces to be the Pretty After-Party:
Maybe it's not her fault, though. Maybe it's those interesting bones Paulina rhapsodized. Paul-Paul makes Dom sound like the Elephant Man, which...is pretty spot-on, actually.
That's because, unlike Anyway, you are not the Princess of Power. Hang up and try your call again, She-Naw.
10. I took this gif, for no particular reason (perhaps to have another fake conversation with Titney Warner, as talking to myself on a blog always makes me feel socially adequate)...
...and then I realized that I really want one of those cat clocks with Whitney's head on it, and so I made it:
It doesn't tell time, but I'm quite sure that doesn't matter.
11. Here's one more for the road:
I guess aggressive stupidity was kind of the motif of this recap. But then again, when isn't it?