How sweet!

...fresh meat!

And by "fresh," I mean "horse-mane having." That's a 'do that Tyra invented. Know how she did it? By being Jesusy and rolling around in hay to stimulate inspiration, that's how.

The time has come once again for me to say slightly horrible things about people I don't know and their names. People who will go on to moderately endear themselves to me without so much as affecting my inclination to say horrible things about them. You saw them yesterday, but let me reintroduce you to the girls of American's Next Top Model, Cycle 11 in loose ascending order of preference.

Clark

Would you fuck Clark? I'd...spin pottery with him. Her. Him.

Sheena

If Kimora Lee mated with an Easter Island statue...a stoic sort of fierceness would ensue. But at least Sheena is Asian. That's something, right? And named Sheena. Sheena! Lunch poll! Who's better: demure, morning-train taking Sheena Easton or slutty, strutty, defiled-by-Prince Sheena Easton?

Brittany

Brittany works in customer service. Clearly.

Joslyn

Homegirl, the Girlicious set is that way. When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star...(but I'll settle for having people remember my name for three months, tops!).

Lauren Brie

When you have hair that blonde, you can't cock your head like that without people thinking you're a bitch. FACT! On the upside, one of her names is "Brie" and she clearly demands that we use it. If I shared a name with such delicious cheese, I would, too. In fact, let's do that. My name is Rich, but you can call me Dick Smegma.

Marjorie

Marjorie's just going around, making clothes out of patterns so old that their fumes make you high, and therefore more susceptible to thinking you're Agyness Deyn, circa 6 months ago (which, accounting for the taped-to-air delay, was still probably like three months too late).

McKey

All right, let me get all my Mc's out now: - McDonalds. McNuggets. McBain. McGoo. McGoober. McDoor. McLock. Mc-Hidden-Under-the-McDoormat. Hmmm. That wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Good thing I'll have a whole cycle to exorcise my McDemons! Also, do you think that "McKey" is, like, a drunk way of saying "Mickey"? Kind of like if Jackie Harry became Jackée without the flava and sass?

Analeigh

Tapenga. There's a red-light special on tapengas. It's 3-for-1: tapengas, metal peace signs and patent leather pumps. Tapengas, get your tapengas heayah. They make great pencils.

Totally unrelated, but my favorite way of doing it? Why, analeigh, of course!

Nikeysha

Cycle 5's Nik is back in the competition, and she didn't even really attempt to disguise herself or her name, really, for that matter. Eysha, you are the girl that she never was.

Hannah

Her face reminds me of a flower. Kinda like she's underwater. No, just kidding, but I get a weird Liz Phair vibe from her, which may be my rotting brain's way of processing a slight Fiona Apple resemblance? Whatever. Her legs remind me of a bow.

Samantha

You know what I thought of when I saw this one? "S-s-s-s-Samantha Fox." And then I read her name. This is providence. Jesus (the non-Tyra one, that is) has ordained that this stubby blonde take the place Sam Fox left void in my heart when she announced her lesbianism. I mean, we can't both be gay if we want this to have a shot at working, right? Don't let me down, Samantha! Hurt me, hurt me (but the pants stay on...conveniently!).

Isis

Every cycle, there's at least one girl who has a thing. Asperger's. Lupus. Retinitis pigmentosa. Endometriosis. Female general mutilation. A life displaced by Hurricane Katrina. A flesh-eating virus. A fat ass. Probable but unspoken deafness (what?). Religious zealotry. A weave with beer in it. The worst picture in the history of America's Next Top Model. And, in Jael's case, probable retardation.You know, something to overcome or, in all but one case here (I'm talking to you, Jaslene. I SAID I'M TALKING TO YOU!), not. This year's girl with a thing...has a thing! Or had! As I'm a Pazzo Kevin (via Dlisted) points out, Isis took part in the homeless shoot of last cycle, you know the one populated with trannies? Interestingly, this would seem to suggest ANTM is breaking its women-born-women policy. This being Tyra's redemption, expect this to be all about Tyra. Whose reconstructed genitalia did what now?

Sharaun

Love. She reminds me of an amalgamation of, like, every black girl I've ever been obsessed with on this show - Bre, Dionne, Bianca. Mama's home, y'all! (I guess that makes me mama, but that's cool. I'm secure enough to take on such a role.)

Elina

I love this girl, and it's not just because I'm Ukrainian and my pale-on-pitch-black sista is holding it down for us so gorgeously. It's also because I'm tickled at the possibility of more ESL hijinks a la Natasha. Please let her have an accent! Please let her have an accent! I'm producing saliva at the same pressure as when the air is filled with the scent of pierogies, which by the way, my grandmother pronounces as "pittah-heh." I never believed her that that was the correct Ukrainian pronunciation, either. I think she made it up! She's crazy and I called her "Catwoman" when I was young. See, I'm not even that into being Ukrainian. Fuck heritage. No bias here, I just love Elina.

[Thanks to all who alerted me to the new-girl reveal. Source: ANTM Livejournal]

Comments

[MizoFizo]

Rich, I can't believe you didn't say anything about Elina's stomach tattoos! She's obviously the best girl in the bunch...

[jamie]

Sheena Easton is better than everyone.
Ever.

[Fake Janice Combs]

Is Tyra gonna get Isis some corrective shoes? Because if memory serves, homegirl/boy is so bowlegged you could throw a hog between her legs.

How'd ol girl swing this? My guess is Jay Manuel is kicking it with one of the house fathers/mothers and put her on. Werk Ms Isis!

[John Taylor]

I'm so glad Isis got in, we need someone to make the show a little crazier. I'm surprised you didn't rank Lauren Brie higher though, I think she looks like a hotter version of Sarah from Cycle 6

[Maya]

Are there no plus-sized girls this cycle? Has Tyra like paid her dues now and does not have to have plussies on anymore?

[A.]

I'd fuck Clark. And is Joslyn's face photoshopped onto Atalya's body? I swear I've seen that outfit and pose before.

[Liz]

Is Elina the girl from a few seasons ago who had that "that which nourishes me destroys me" tattoo like angelina jolie? Or is she just another girl with a horribly placed tattoo

[Erika]

Team Elina!

Brittany, somewhere a preschooler is naked, give her back that romper!

Sheena is cycle 6's Gina with attitude issues.

Marjorie is the love child of cycle 8's Sarah and Jael.

Clark, why aren't you on the set of Gossip Girl?

Finally... I live for this

[anon]

The other day I was going through SYTYCD withdrawl thinking "What's the point of a TV if you can't watch a good reality show?" Hallelujiah ANTM is coming back!

[Steve Abramson]

OK I really don't know where I stand on the Isis fence. Sure transgenders need jobs too - but apparently the girl was an actress when she was "cast" as a homeless girl in the C10 shoot - so not only was she faking the homeless, but she got onto C11... another Tyra string pulling...

Isn't it bad enough we have ANOTHER Saleisha in this batch of girls? Fuckleisha? Fakeleisha? Whatever...

I'm SO over this fucking crap - why bother having auditions anymore? The best girl won't win - and the girls who are non-models will progress further because they're psychopathic cunts (in otherwords both Isis and Saleisha Pt 2 will make it overseas no doubt)

Just hope they make Isis check her manhood in the overhead compartment LOL

***If I had to root, I'd go for the redhead and the Asian; both very "low" on your priority list Rich, so hope you're wrong - no offense***

[Jean]

Normally, I'd go for slutty over demure any day but Sheena's slutty is kind of boring. And how come I had no idea Sam Fox was a lezzie?

Elina and Sharaun are gorgeous. Samantha looks busted. Why do the girls always have the most terrible outfits?

[BlackRaspberry]

Elina is trying to hard to be Angelina Jolie, stomach tattoo TOTALLY included.

[theo]

Rich, was that an intentional quoting of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4?

If so, I love you even more!

[Miss Lisa]

I had a hard time getting past Tyra's bracelets. Demure! I'd go for the Ukrainian for the win. Just because I have a lot of Ukrainian neighbors and I'd like to see a lot of Ukrainian modelling pride around here. But the Irish in me is drawn to McKey. Or is that a Scottish Mc? No matter, McKey for the McWin.

[NYCMami]

The best is Sheena, a Punk Rocker.

This Sheen seems a little stumpy for a model, no?

Sharuan makes me think of Shazaam.

They're all boring.

[yo]

I hope Tyra give Nikeysha "ethereal blond waves"

[Jenny]

It looks like Marjorie is from France, according to the ANTM lj. Could we really be so blessed as to have 2 Natashas this season?

Oh, a girl can dream! ^_^

[Theresa]

It must be real, my Ukranian grandmas said Pittah-heh too!

[Sara]

If your competition was people named Nikeysha McKey (...I'm sensing a 'key' theme here...and I'm sure there's a penis joke in there somewhere,) and fucking CLARK, you'd append a cheese to your name, too. Once upon a time a girl only had to be tall and trashy to get onto this show. Now she's got to have a make-believe name, too! Tyra's standards are clearly on the rise.

[j]

they forgot to airbrush tyra's arm. her fat is popping over the sleeve.

[Sara]

Also...kinda ironic that there's a chick with a dude's name this cycle, and she's NOT the tranny...

[Annie]

Holy hell. Why are half of them scrunched up like they're trying to fit into the frame?

Wait, is that Tyra's new theme? Like, America's Next Top Giantess Model?

[Cheryl]

who else saw this on livejournal and started the countdown to Rich's countdown? AWESOME

wow does Marjorie ever remind me of Shael, must be the 'do' and the outfit. I can't like McKey because I keep thinking she squeezed 2 names together like Melrose did, and anything Melrose I can not support.

Isis's shoes look like cartoon shoes, I want them. I have the worst balance and I bet those would be a lot easier to walk in then stillettos

If you ever watch Entertainment Tonight the preview says Tyra is gonna give us a 'sneak peek'! (Wednesday night)

[RD]

^Actually I just stumbled across the photos on Facebook and wondered the same thing.

Oh yeah, team Sheena all the way already!

And I personally like Prince's Sheena Easton, if only because of the awful high note she hits on "Sugar Walls."