On peacocks and pipe dreams

Here's how I am inside at the prospect of covering a new ANTM cycle:

I act like I'm over it, but I know damn well that I'm geeked. Or maybe just a geek. No matter. Let's laugh at some crying girls!

1. Veronique

I don't know. Was she even crying or is she just one of those girls who looks like they've been crying? Or is she just formerly Mormon. Oh yeah, the latter. Thus, she is crying inside no matter what she does, especially when whoring herself on the virtual ho stroll that is reality TV. Counts!

2. This chick

As she wipes a single tear away, she covers up her face. But to be fair, no one wanted to see it in the first place.

3. This other chick

She seems to be wet all over. Is she crying out her forehead? That's sad, but more than that: medically mysterious.

4. Kacey

It always makes me squeal a little inside when we witness the first signs of someone freaking out over imminent elimination. It's like my sense of malevolence has been removed from the mothballs. Smells delicious (if you enjoy the taste of mothballs and you know I do).

5. Kacey

You know, for someone who prides herself on having class and being sophisticated and "not ghetto," Kacey's entirely unconcerned about looking a mess in public. Perhaps she's not ghetto because if you go to the ghetto clutching your face like this, they laugh at you.

6. Joslyn

Joslyn has tried out for this show 30 times and I (along with the camera) kind of love her for having nothing better with her time. Not even working, apparently! As someone who's unemployed, Joslyn has a leg-up on the other girls: she already knows exactly what it's like to be a winner of this show.

7. Kacey

Well, on the bright side, your non-ghettoness netted you plenty of screen time. Phenomenal basket case, that's Kacey.

8. Hannah

Here, Hannah reminds me of one of those anime characters who has inexplicable precious gems in her eyes. As if she weren't cartoonish enough! (And you best believe there's more on this tart's cartoonishness later.)

9. Sharaun

She knows what's coming, and if you do too, you should be excited:

10. Sharaun

If this isn't the best gif of all-time, it's certainly the best crying gif of all time. Y/y?

11. Nikeysha

Instead of crying, Nikeysha looks like she's smelling something terrible, which may not be a coincidence seeing how stank Sharaun was.

12. Sheena

God, it's really weird doing the Crying Count before talking about/introducing the girls because I'm just bursting with things to say about Asians in the hood and becoming Sheenafied the minute this amazing creature opened her mouth. But, of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. Just understand that Sheena's outward compassion taught me how to love just a little bit harder.

13. Sharaun

Because being eliminated from this show isn't embarrassing enough, Sharaun adopted Halle Berry's Losing Isaiah character as the style guide for her departure. The ghetto jam is about to slam the door on your ass on the way out!

And then, there's this one.

That mighty dorkin' Power Rangers/Tyrabot shit was so painful that I don't even want to spend much time talking about it. Because if there's anything that I enjoy writing about less than comedy, it's unfunny comedy.

It's like her brain is interpretive dancing on stumps where her two left feet used to be. This would all seem exploitative and embarrassing were it not springing from her own mind (or at least being OK'd by her as an executive producer). As it stands, it's merely embarrassing.

But, you know, props to Ty for making me hit up Dictionary.com to check the plausibility of saying that after 10 cycles, "the next decade of America's Next Top Model is about to begin." I thought that decade only referred to years, but it can refer to any set of 10 things. I had no idea till Tyra Banks taught me that. I had no idea how stupid I was, and I've been watching this show and pondering its effect on my stupidity for a decade (which is to say: five years).

So, no eviscerating deluge of Tyraisms this time around. Instead, I'm just presenting one that in my estimation is actually good advice and, again, taught me something:

Tyraism of the Week

"Model the opposite of what you have on. You have on a sparkly dress and it's like sexy and it's like, 'Come to me, boy.' So, you need to model like you have on jeans and a T-shirt and some Timbaland [sic] boots. Playing the opposite of what you have on makes a picture so much more interesting. It takes the obvious away."

I'll even give her a pass on the "Timbaland" thing since this really is such good advice. In the rare case that she does dole out practical advice that doesn't contradict the last sentence out of her mouth, I can't help but wonder why we're just hearing about it now. I mean, hello! A decade is a long time/run of episodes to have gone without knowing this! Since I'll inevitably be wearing jeans and a T-shirt the next time someone takes a picture of me, I'm going to act like I'm rocking a ball gown. Just you wait!

And this praise is not to say that Tyra wasn't plenty annoying.

It's amazing that a woman who does this. And this:

And this:

A woman who thinks it's appropriate to appear in public (televised public, no less!) looking like the intergalactic counterpart of The Little Mermaid's Ursula (with a dash of Patti LaBelle's special seasoning)...

A woman who employs a special effect to make her out to be something of a Christ 2.0...

It's amazing that a woman capable of all these things could even live with herself knowing that she regularly judges others' outlandish behavior. But there she was, like she always is during the semifinal rounds...

Judging, mocking, gagging, threatening violence, and all the while sitting on her very own contempt heap.

To be fair, when it comes to being flawed and hypocritical, she's kind of perfect.

 

Tyra's more perfect, at least, than the skanks she's trying to mentor and educate in ways beyond fashion magazines. As I usual after the cycle premieres, here's a rundown of my initial thoughts on the girls that I...have initial thoughts on. Stupider and stupider!

Isis

Girrrl, how'd you guess? Here's what I figure: her earrings...

...are often big gaping holes. Considering that she is, in fact, with penis and is anxious to get that taken care of, I'm thinking that these earrings are a manifestation of wishful thinking.

Don't underestimate the implications of wearing peacock, either. Or talking about one's "pipe dream." That's Isis for ya: fierce, fabulous and Freudian.

I love that she is on this show. I love that she's somewhat simple-minded, a fact made clear when she deemed the other girls "smart"...

...I mean, "smart" relative to what is my question for the one who makes that call, you know? But that said, some beautiful shit comes out of her mouth. "I want to have the surgery to become the woman who I am," is a wonderfully succinct encapsulation of (from what I can tell, being a male born male and all), the complex feelings that being transgendered arouses. Sorry, I don't mean "transgendered" -- I mean born in the wrong bodied. So much for succinctness. Ah, well.

Although, I will give her that as a declaration of her gender and against the opposition that she faces...

...this is the best use of, "I'm here to win," of all time.

And then, there was Isis' swimming monologue, which was so, uh, bizarrely articulated that it became poetic.

I'm Not Gonna Just Sit There With a Pool in My Backyard
by Isis

I'm like,
I gotta
make it work
somehow.
I'm gonna
get
in the pool.
It was like
the first swim
that I had
as Isis
as who I really am.
With like,
all my hair!
And like,
a bikini top!
Just like
real dainty,
and I'm just like,
awww,
it's fun.

In short, I think it's awesome that Isis' uniqueness extends beyond her unwanted penis.

I also love that all the fucking tell-us-now-everything-about-yourself-now-now-now interrogation that she faced...

...didn't phase her, nor did the outright bigotry. Notice who isn't on this week's Crying Count.

Isis is a soldier! It might be hard to watch certain girls like Clark-with-no-E (because, of course, that is what makes her name unique -- thank god for the distinction otherwise she'd be like every other Tom, Dick and Clarke out there), the gleefully ignorant Hannah and champion crier Sharaun say bigoted things about he-shes and drag queens and just really not getting it. But I think it's ultimately a good thing for people to hear this shit because it sounds so outrageously stupid and it's coming from people who only continue to make themselves sound stupider the more they talk, even if they aren't talking about born-in-the-wrong-bodiness at all. I mean, Clark's proclamation that she's uncomfortable because Isis has "something different down there" is all anyone with a functioning neuron needs to know that this girl has no fucking idea what she's talking about. Thanks for articulating the short bridge between inexperience and hatred so swiftly, Clark! And don't even get me started on the assertion that what she has is  "not so much a close-minded view, it's just more traditional." She's so close-minded that she can't even understand her close-mindedness!

Because, in the end, what this shows, per A-Land-Called-Annaleigh's snickering, is...

Plus, if she sticks around long enough, we all know that Clark is headed for a major redemption arc, right? And that'll be heartwarming, right?

But my favorite thing about Isis?

She isn't afraid to be the embodiment of a hot tranny mess. ANTM goes where Project Runway can only theorize. That's why I've stuck around here so long.

Clark

First of all, it's fabulously poetically just that the biggest transphobe looks more like a man than the tranny. That's A. B is something like, "I don't have any bodily insecurities," sound like the words of a trusty-butt-plug owner. Queerer and queerer! Oh, and she doesn't know what a bureaucracy is. How amazing that a bigot is also apparently very dim and inexperienced. I mean, how often does that happen? The lack of an "E," the lack of brainpower...these are just a few things that make Clark special.

If not in pictures, I do think that Clark is pretty in motion a sort of composite of Cycle 4's Kahlen and Noelle...

...well, so I guess that only makes her half pretty. Yeah, Clark fucking sucks.

Hannah

Hey! Do you all know where Hannah's from?

A small town in Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska! Alaska!

You know how I know this? Oh, because she never stops fucking talking about it. Here are all the quotes, verbatim:

"My name is Hannah, and I'm from Fairbanks, Alaska!"

"Alaska is so different from L.A. We don't have freeways and we don't have people! (Goofy-like guffaw!)"

"Coming from a small town, hell yeah we have a warped view!"

"Me! Whoa! I'm from the sticks, and now I'm Top 20!"    

"I'm from Alaska. We don't even have billboards. Like, this is so cool!"

"Our house is gorgeous! It's super-exciting for me. I'm from Alaska."

"I am representing not just Alaska, but any middle-class person out there who didn't grow up with everything that the girl-next-door had." Despite her qualifying use of "middle-class" is this her way of telling us she's poor? Did she eat chicken pot pie? Or pancakes? Lots of pancakes?

Hannah is unreal, and I wonder if that's the literal case. She's so dim (I mean, I know it's above, but let me remind you that she gleefully proclaimed, "I'm kinda ignorant!") and yet so willing to flaunt her bumpkin status that I can't help but wonder if she's been planted. For an ignorant hick from the sticks, she's awfully self-aware. Savvy, even. It's a good thing that making ignorant people more visible in Alaska isn't Hannah's platform, for she'd be mighty pissed off that Sarah Palin's stolen her thunder, right about now.

Also?

She looks about 6-years-old to me, and not a cute 6, but a snot-laden 6. She looks like one of those kids that you're afraid to pick up or embrace because she's always sticky, and it's hard to tell the difference between pee and apple juice sometimes.

She's smelling herself there.

I think she likes it!

The quote of the episode very well could have been, "My topic was nuclear weapons. Obviously, I understand that they have damaging effects, I just don't know how I feel about them." Perhaps some first-hand experience would help her form an opinion. Tyra, can we set that up?

She just strikes me as a girl who'd probably benefit from some rearranged DNA.

Sharaun

We lost a good one, I fear. Here is what I believe to be a snapshot of Sharaun's mental stability:

You know how Diana Ross' face is, like sliding off her head? That's kinda going on with Sharaun, too. I thought it was an aging thing, but now I think it's just a crazy thing.

Sharaun was notable not for being dumb, but for being dumb within the context of this show. Did she really think that she'd get away with referring to herself as America's Next Top Model? Did she learn nothing from Camille's spokesmodeling challenge in Cycle 2? Sharing your inflated sense of self with the judges (especially so early) is almost as bad as showing up not knowing five fashion designers (or apparently what White Fang is now). Whatever, if you're going to be on a stupid reality show, the least you can do is research of the couch-potato variety. Believe me when I say that immersing yourself in this world brings you one step closer to possessing the secret of joy (particularly when female genital mutilation is involved, although it is not necessary).

In the end, she was just inappropriate in every way.

It's like, lady, just because your panties smell good to you, it doesn't mean you get to huff them in public.

What an animal, you know?

Sheena

I love Sheena for one specific reason beyond her beauty (which, I think, is striking and not at all reminiscent of Easter Island statues, as I previously thought -- but homegirl's gotta watch how she holds her face). I love that Sheena always looks like she's making fun of herself.

I find this both refreshing and appropriate, considering the circumstances. She is on a show that sometimes intentionally and often accidentally exists in the realm of self-parody. As a bastion of self-parody herself, Sheena embodies the spirit of America's Next Top Model. Shit, she is America's Next Top Model, regardless of her "talent." This show has been Sheenafied for cycles, see?

Marjorie

Lord.

I feel a Pretty Party coming on!

I don't know, I just wanna give her a big fat stogie.

I know that she's a bundle of nerves so I feel bad really ripping into her, and not because I think I have the power to affect people. It just seems like kicking a dog when it's down and mangy and trying to do some Agyness Deyn approximation. Dogs shouldn't do Agyness, you know? I will say that Marjorie needs to watch how she holds her face. She can overcome her masculine nose, depending on the angle.

Not bad at all, right?

Also, she sometimes looks like Jay, the retrospectively Harry Potter-esque Real World London cast member (I can't find a picture of him emoting for a proper side-to-side, but trust my unreliable memory that I'm telling you the truth as best I can). Marjorie's participation in this modeling competition is what makes me inclined to dig into her, and yet it's also the same thing that makes her so anxious and ultimately kind of cute in a horrifyingly awkward way. It all comes full circle. I'm gonna assume that I love her and leave it there.

But you know who I don't love?

Nikeysha

Nikesha reminds me of the woman on my block who sits and sits and sits and sits and sits on her stoop. I was cool with her a few summers ago but who now seems genuinely spooked when I say hello and thus has forced me to shut her out. Don't make me shut you out, Nikesha.

However, as Heather from Rock of Love taught me, announcing yourself by exposing your tits is wonderful way to humble yourself to the reality TV viewing audience.

Or not even exposing your tits, just your tank top...

...which is apparently worth censoring? I love the random blurring on this show. Remember when they did that to Jay's nipple? Remember when they never did it to Tyra's infinitely more explicit vagina arms. Awww, vagina arms. Remember them? It's been so long. I would trade Nikeysha for a vagina arm any day. Please, Tyra?

Lauren Brie

I have no idea a) if this girl has a personality and b) why we must refer to her with the "Brie" intact. Perhaps the Brie is her personality. But I don't know, homies. I look at her, and I feel like she really, really needs calcium.

She reminds me of a veal calf or something. Here, baby, have some calcium:

You have no idea how cathartic it was to make that.

I love that Lauren Brie referred to herself as "exotic," as though she hails from some Aryan jungle or something. Also?

She resembles Heather Chandler so much in her shot, I felt verbally abused and fucked with a chainsaw just by looking at it.

Fuck education, Corn Nuts is the kind of stand I want to see more politically active young people taking.

Brittany

This girl reminds me of Cassie. Stunning. Also, major props on winning the right to be called Brittany, since there's no overlapping of names (because if there's anything Tyra Banks is afraid of more than dolphins, it's last names abbreviated by a single letter). Nothing says H.B.I.C. in the ANTM house like being able to retain your birthright.

Elina

I can't wait for some lesbian vegan drammmmmmmmmmm...oh sorry, I fell asleep on the keyboard. I holding out hope that her pixie-like Asiatic appearance bespeaks a quirky Björky charm. If not, I'm gonna end up mighty disappointed in my Ukrainian sista.

McKey

Oh, McKey...

...McStay there, McK?

Samantha

If you couldn't tell by the gif at the top of this post, I kind of love Samantha, especially after she drew on her face a la Ralph Wiggim.

I love that she's the 80's girl and that being called that makes her do this:

I hope that she can parlay her cheeseball status into a cheesecake one. If her makeover doesn't look something like this:

...I'm going to feel cheated. And yeah, she still reminds me of Sam Fox. Partly because she does and partly because I want her to.

Miss J

I like how it looks like he has a whitehead on top of his white head.

Mr. Jay

Jesus, Tyra and Joseph. One of you please tell me why? Why must I cry? I seriously racked my brains trying to figure out exactly whom he looked like with this hair because I know it's someone. I thought it was maybe a Color Me Badd dude or David Bowie during a particularly shitty late '80s/'90s album era or maybe one of the sons from Home Improvement. Potes may have said it best when she compared him to Earring Magic Ken. Anyway, this was the best that I could come up with:

It's not right, but it's...OK? Anyway, I'm pissed I didn't get to post any of the kids from Home Improvement, so I'm going to anyway because I fucking love this picture and how shittily someone cut it out:

That shot pretty much sums up my feelings on Jay Manuel, anyway.

And then there's...

Whitney

It's really so great to see her really doing something with her life!

This My Life as a CoverGirl series seems to aim for something different -- instead of a narrated activity, both segments that we saw suggested that we'll be watching Whitney model ambiguously so as not to have her doing such embarrassing non-events like obviously fake go-sees, plant visits and pharmacy signings. But you know what the thing is?

The thing is pit stains, as a brilliantly eagle-eyed reader, Jessica W. pointed out. Pit stains. Ugh! Fail! Fail fail fail! Uh, show? Stop trying so hard. We already know the deal. It's why we watch you in the first place. The more you try to not be a joke, the more hilarious you are. Know that, or at least, know that we know that.

Comments

[MichaelTLH]

I am afraid if I stare at Marjorie's pictures much longer she will jump off the screen and bite me. Serious.

[Sheena Beaston]

the calcium gif is priceless.

i immediately fell in love with Sheena, for most obvious reasons!

[Miriam]

See now I think Marjorie looks like Justin Long. I kept thinking she should use ANTM to springboard into acting and make a mint acting alongside Justin in some kooky twin hijinks movies. :)

[Brad]

Awesome. Not only did I get a long-awaited ANTM recap, but a House of Yes reference right in the middle of said recap. Today will be a good day.

[c. rob]

I LOVE IT!!!

Thank you thank you thank you...

Marjorie is kinda psycho scary. It's almost as if she's one second away from slicing one of the girls to ribbons with a dull kitchen knife...

[BlackRaspberry]

Glad to have the recaps back. :-)

[Dawn]

I am so glad your recaps are back,I have been waiting forever for them! They are more fun than watching the show!
I can't wait for Clark and Hannah to leave. I swear if I heard about Alaska 1 more time...

[Christian]

"It's a good thing that making ignorant people more visible in Alaska isn't Hannah's platform, for she'd be mighty pissed off that Sarah Palin's stolen her thunder, right about now."

Couldn't have said it better myself Rich. Hahaha thanks for brightening my day with this ANTM fix.

[Steve Abramson]

I have NO idea where to begin...

1. Crying Count #11 - Nikesha doesn't look like she's smelling something funky, she looks like she's holding in laughter (but HEEEEEEEEEEY that's me)

2. Tyrabot - If only Tyra WERE a Fembot; then maybe she could peel off her face - we could finally understand what's going on beneath that thinning veneer

3. Isis - I still have no comment on Isis - I think Isis has a great spirit, but I have no problem with people bashing Isis as Isis does NOT belong in the competition (and I'm still one of a small minority that will refer to Isis as "he")

4. Hannah - I like her. She's so simple-minded and appreciative - she's Anyway but with better English skills

5. Sheena - Hand her the title now.

6. Marjorie = Amélie + Scared Mouse. "She's different"? How. She's got a cock? No wait, that's Isis. She's a cunt? No, that's Clark. She eats cunt? No, that's Elina. OK, I'm out. Seriously, she's hiding something and it's irritating me to no end.

7. Lauren Brie - good call on the Tums

8. Brittany - I don't see HBIC, and since she's from my town, I am rooting for her somewhat (and she's right - Vegas really does NOT feature black women at all... and as a cocklover myself, I REALLY hate going to the casinos and hearing COCK... followed by "tail" followed by a pair of boobs in my face)

9. Elina - Several people referenced Björk here - if only a paparazzi gets in her face, maybe she'll get all Kung-Fu Fighting in her ass... but seriously, Clark??? Please - anyone but Clark!!!

10. Samantha - Any 80's reference is fine by me... sadly it's her I.Q.

11. Whitney - I love that she won (I hate hate hate Anyway), and I think she looks incredible in the gif (I didn't watch the episode on TV so I didn't see the commercials) - after she lands and she's smiling on the pillows, I thought she looked great. That lasted 5 seconds. Then I realized she looked like she was getting fucked. Hard. So that's what it takes to make her look great.

12. Just 'cuz I like even round numbers.

Good job

P.S. I should probably watch the Margaret interview (saw her here in Vegas), but her tattoos royally scare me - she went from Sheena beautiful to (I'm not as good at these as you are)

[Lea]

Oh, the wait for this is like waiting for dessert after dinner.

Corn chips! yes! Again monday is my favorite day of the week!

[Jeb]

Re: Lauren Brie as Heather Chandler. GENIUS!

I also think that if anyone will put drain cleaner in Lauren Brie's drink, it will be Clark(e).

[stompie smax]

jay looks like a member of takarazuka, i'll tell you what. here's a good one: http://www.tezukaenfrancais.com/TIE/TakarazukaBJ.JPG

[Crystal]

I loved the Ralph Wiggum reference. Haha I like samantha too. She seems like fun.

[Dollface]

Loved the recap. I really can't stand Clark-without-an-E. Hope she gets eliminated next time...

[Melissa]

I love your recaps so much! I can't even imagine ANTM now without them. And this was brilliant:

As someone who's unemployed, Joslyn has a leg-up on the other girls: she already knows exactly what it's like to be a winner of this show.

Because it's true...it's funny AND true.

[Stella]

Marjorie in that turtleneck reminds me of Charlie in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I don't know why, I just see it every time I look at those images.

[Jenny]

Your description of Nikeysha spoke to me. I have had to shut out the woman on my block who sits in her front "yard" (concrete) all day, but it is because she came out with a knife and kept yelling "bicycle" at us the last time we had a BBQ. She only speaks Italian.

Great recap!

p.s. I kept seeing a bit of Claire Danes in Marjorie

[acolyte]

Thanks Rich! I missed the show, but I knew there would always be you, better than the "real" thing.

[Britni]

Steve: are you fucking kidding me? Isis is a fucking woman and it is horribly disrespectful of you to call her anything but. You can't even imagine the pain and hardship people born in the wrong body have to go through. If you could, you would respect the way they feel and call them what they would like to be called.

And Isis sees herself and wants to be called "she." Therefore, she is a woman. That's all it takes. Who are you to define someone else's gender?

[Lizzie]

I love Whitney and thought she looked majorly hot in her covergirl spot.

Sheena looks like she will be all kinds of awesome.

Marjorie makes ME nervous and uncomfortable just watching her. But, if she makes it that far, I am curious to see what kind of hair Tyra is going to give her, considering she already has the Agyness hair.

More power to Isis, she is holding it down (literally and figurativly).

[Martha]

You had me at HBIC.

[Shay]

Mr. Jay totally looked like an Anime character.

[Sarah]

Dear Marjorie,

I understand you're trying your very hardest to be Agyness Deyn, and Agyness is British. However, this does not mean you have to attempt to look British by showing off your snaggly, terrifying teeth. Smile with your mouth closed. And when you guys get around the makeover episode, ask TyTy to spring for veneers. If you ask for braces, she'll slap that Tootie hair on you, and no one wants that. (Honestly, she'll probably slap it on you anyway. Your hair is your trademark and Tyty just loves to rip girls down a few notches.)

<3,
Sarah

[BJCG]

I love Sheena. Love love love her. I'm so over Elina. Although, I do feel bad that the judges (I believe it was Nigel and probably Tyra) claimed that she wasn't attractive or photogenic. I think she's both. She just lacks a personality.

Also, did you notice that they overloaded Whitney with "trendy" fashion items? Like they do to every plus size girl? She had the skirt cut at the natural waist, the jean jacket, the dangling earrings, and to top it off a hat. And not even a cactus hat either. Way to make her look plus size, Tyra.

[Bogatyr]

Okay. Had to answer Rich's query. Who does silver-haired Mr. Jay look like?

Limahl.

Yes, the singer responsible for the execrable "Neverending Story." (Oh, and he's apparently the former lead singer for Kajagoogoo) Check it from this link: http://kissmusica.com/Imagenes_Cantantes/limahl.jpg

Anyhoo, to overdo a cliche, Sheena is a punk rocker. Team Sheena! Team Elina! Team Anybody But Clark!