Pee up or shut up

Yeah, just to underscore the title of the post, if Nikeysha does nothing else with her life, if she never becomes that truth-in-jest anesthesiologist, at least she can take pride in the fact that she introduced a population larger than the pack of hyenas in her head to the phrase, "pee up." That's as in, "If I pee up myself, this is for you, 'cause I so need to use the bathroom." You did it baby, girl. You accomplished something! And no one but the toilet can take that away.

No really, how awesome was Nikeysha? "I'mma try and stop thinkin'." You already have, my little paper bag with pipe cleaners.That brings the accomplishment tally up to 2.

And speaking of tallies...

14. Hannah

I'm not going to get into it now, but the best thing about Hannah's racism is its boost to the Crying Count. At least something good and totally petty came of it!

15. Hannah

See above.

16. Hannah

See above and also hear: "This is so awful! I can't believe they're referring to me as being a racist. Wow. This is not very nice. [Goofy-like guffaw]" Here she stops because I think she realized that all those tears could get her cross-burning wood wet.

17. Nikeysha

Yeah, we know the international hand gesture for choking. Now show us the one for "pee up."

18. Nikeysha

Thanks, bb.

19. Sheena

Even though I don't see actual tears, underneath all of Sheena's silicone is a heart of gold so I'm counting this. Also, I was going to count Lauren Brie, but then I advanced a few frames and realized...

...she was doing something all together different. What it is, I have no idea. Does she have, like, facial Tourette's or something? Is Lauren Brie Tila Tequila in calcium-deficient disguise?

20. Nikeysha

And just in case you had any doubt about Nikeysha's calcium intake, here are her bones.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"If you notice Miss J Alexander's neck, it says, '13.' Last week, it said, '14.' From week to week, that number will get smaller and smaller."

I love that she's explaining this a) because duh and b) because there are probably in girls in the room that wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. Duh squared to them. Also, I love the look on Hannah's face when they cut away from Tyra's lunge-based hogwash:

She's like so whatever about it that she might as well be wearing a tie. I guess numbers are one thing they do have in Alaska! 

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"It's a message for everybody. Shiny fabric is not your friend!"

Luckily, this being a reality show, shiny fabric isn't here to make friends.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Honesty is beautiful, and the judges really appreciated you coming forward."

I love that Sheena gets praised for being honest when said honesty sprang from rescinding a boldfaced lie. That's like rewarding your cheating spouse for wearing a condom or praising your 7-year-old for kicking heroin. The latter analogy is particularly apt if your 7-year-old has tits out to there. 

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

(following some yammering from Nikeysha) "This is Isis' moment, so we're gonna have you be quiet for a little bit."

And, of course, by "Isis' moment," she means, "my moment...of this particular minute." Don't get in the way of Tyra's minutely moment. The most farcical thing about this is that Nikeysha summed up this tendency early in the episode in reference to the last time her flapping gums got her in trouble: "I'm just talkin' explainin', explainin'. She's like, 'OK. I don't want to hear you talk, I wanna talk.'" I swear, if you look past Nikeysha's shoddy presentation and total unawareness, there's wisdom to behold.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

This one wasn't spoken, but worn:

Yep. It's another one of those optical-illusion dresses a la the This is what I would look like if I didn't eat/Pass the mayo dress of Cycle 7. God, Cycle 7 was tough on everyone, wasn't it? Anyway, I don't know who the fuck she thinks she's fooling with this. For all the effort put into wearing a garment that comes just short of having sound woven into it ("Whomever wears me is thin, damn it!"), she might as well just have worn this and called it a day:

It really is slimming.

And now, onto the racism!

1. To set the tone:

"I have no idea why all the girls in my house are so sexual. I come from a small town, and it's definitely really extreme for my taste."

The fact that, "I come from a small town" sounds totally spliced in does nothing to make Hannah irritate me less. From now on, I'm calling her IComeFromASmallTown, and when my fingers get tired, she will be referred to as Icfast.

So anyway, this thing starts as totally no big deal and then in typical ANTM fashion, everyone has to out-asshole each other. Like this?

So no big deal. Regardless of what Icfast understands about gender identity, it's totally conceivable that she just didn't want someone fucking absently drifting into her, vagina, penis or unwanted penis. Contrary to popular belief, transphobia, racism and respect for proximics can indeed be mutually exclusive. I don't know if you know, but bitch is from Alaska. They have a lot of space up there. Perhaps she just needed a little piece of home in that hot tub.

The conversation that ensued immediately after didn't really raise any red flags for me, either. It was just sort of stupid and indignant and could be a case study in the difference between talking and communicating, speaking of mutual exclusivity. A trans- (pun acknowledged and appreciated!) -script:

Sheena: When I first met you, I had a really good impression of you. You were really friendly. But you deliberately pushed someone. Like, a rude push. Like, 'Get out the way.'
Icfast: I just don't appreciate when people come up to me and start dancing on me. I'm like the stereotypical white person.
Brittany: What's that?
Icfast: I don't really like rap music. Like, I'm not really loud, I'm not, like, gonna walk in the room just like, "Haaaay!" Like, scream.
Brittany: Even though you're the stereotypical white girl, I'm a black girl. And you know what? Someone could take it offensively.
Sheena: Just be more aware and cautious of what you put out.
Icfast: (Smile cries - see Crying Count No. 14)
Sheena: What's a matter?
Brittany: Are you OK?
Sheena: Did we say something wrong?
Icfast: I really wasn't trying to offend anyone. I really didn't mean that that way.
Brittany: You just have to be careful of how you come across.

I love that Icfast pointed out that she's "the stereotypical white person" as a retort to Sheena, essentially saying, "I don't have enough melanin to say, 'Get out the way.'" And even if Icfast's defense is confused at best, it's also confused at worst. It might be inappropriate for her to call herself "the stereotypical white person," but uh, she is. Girlfriend is wacker than a flyswatter. Her being so open about it has shades of white pride, but you know, I was even at this point still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But not for long. I do think that she's racist or at least has unresolved ignorance issues that manifest shittily. Here are three reasons why:

1. I don't like the way she said, "No," when confronted full-on by Joslyn.

That just doesn't sit right with me. The smile, the lack of eye contact when she's lying, the hunched-over posture, the unwillingness to follow this up with any support evidence all point to bullshit.

2. She attempted to quash discourse on the subject almost immediately after this: "I am sorry you feel that I'm racist and prejudice but now it's time for me to go to sleep. But thank you for critiquing me. That's cool." I know she feels ganged-up on, but a serious inquiry is not a critique. Her perceived adversaries, for all their anemic brain power, really were trying to engage in a dialogue. If something matters enough to make you cry and guffaw like Goofy, it's obviously in your emotional best interest to discuss it. I think Joslyn's inimitable words are pertinent on this point: "She seem like she may be tryin' to be slick on the cool. You know what I'm sayin'? " Not really, but I definitely agree.

3. Icfast compared the girls' inquest to "gang rape" and then, even better, "gang violence." I think she means "mob mentality," but you can't really underestimate the importance of her word choice. Assuming she hasn't been pistol-whipped with a glock (no matter how deserving she may be), this fool has no concept of gang violence except it's something that black people do.

Seriously, I know that this has been long and overly invested, but Icfast is really gross. And it's no longer just dry-snot-pee-pee girl gross. It's like, "Ick, Icfast," gross.

The best thing about this whole ordeal? It gave Sheena the opportunity for an a-ha moment: "All I know is, that's not top-model behavior. You don't discriminate. (Gasp) That's what it is! It's discrimination!"

I love that she figured out what she meant after she said it. Whether or not her IQ reflects it, this girl is a genius.

2. And so, let's celebrate her.

OK, first of all?

I don't know what's more amazing: that she did this, that she was so proud of it...

...or that she referred to it as "feng shui." I think she got confused between handbag and "jelly bag," which is a euphemism for "vagina" per this awesome list. Or maybe she just calls vaginas "bags" and that caused the confusion. I love that you can call vaginas bags, btw. It just gives them an added dimension of usefulness and storage potential.

The only thing I wish is that the bag she used looked like actual genitalia, like this:

But oh well, there's always next time.

Sheena's awesomeness really does bring out the best in everyone. She inspired Miss J to refer to her as, "Victoria Secretions." She allowed Tyra to coin the word "hoochilicious." She prompted Jay Manuel to make the smartest observation he's ever made: "Butt cheeks typically aren't the best thing to grab onto a ladder with."

She even got something special out of Paulina, once she got her fake-tits lie off her chest (her tits are too big to avoid knocking into that pun). I love the knowing nod Paulina gave as Sheena was coming clean.

If ever I need to feel acceptance, I'll look no further than that gif.

And then, there was this:

I love that she got praised for being completely porno with her improbable stretching. Hoochiliciousness is fine as long as it's yogic hoochiliousness! More than that, I love that she took the praise from Benny and that box lady to mean that she was "model sexy" and not "hooch sexy."

I don't care how engaged she was with the lesson; she gets an A+ from me.

3. But you know who doesn't?

And you know, I love Benny Ninja and the House of Ninja and the idea of ball culture and everything, but he sucked so hard this episode.

If you're gonna be a bitchy queen, be a bitchy queen. Reconcile your limp wrist with your purpose and twist the fucking knife. Don't give me, "You're lost in translation!" Sophia Nope-ala. I don't want to hear, "That would be cute if you were in a swimming pool, but you're supposed to be posing right now." Sorry, can't hear you. Just came down with a case of swimmer's ear. "You look like you got gas," would have been equally lame if it weren't for Nikeysha's off-the-wall reaction: "I like you." She likes him because he said she had gas. She likes him because he said she had gas. She likes him because he said she had gas. (I just want to make sure that you're fully aware that she likes him because he said she had gas.)

But then again, since Nikeysha is the orator of our time (sorry, Obama), of course her words rendered Benny's valid.

I did think that it was kind of awesome that Benny and the box lady made the girls pose in those mesh tubes.

Not because they had any real point, but because they reminded me of newborn puppies who were still in the sacs.

Yum! Puppies in sacs! Two great tastes...

4. Oh, and speaking of pools...

...that isn't one, it's a hot tub. But the point is that Elina is so fucking lame. She shared a three-second closed-mouth kiss with ClarkWithNoE that she described by saying...

"It was amazing. I saw fireworks!" Ugh. Grow a jelly bag already. I blame veganism.

Although I can't deny the hotness of her picture this week.

I think we're probably going to have to be listening to her boring mumbles for a while.

5. Also?

It really is totally awesome.

Not sure about "Top 5 Top Model history shots " but I understand that saying that sentence must have been a lot of fun for Tyra. You know, at first I was a bit less keen on it because it looks like her head detached from its spine and drifted over about six inches to the left and/or that it's on backwards. But you know what? The judges love that sort of impossible freak-show shit. Obviously. Given the implicit assignment of the show, this completely freakish showing is amazing.

Also also?

This is not the Blowjobface of the Week. It's the Udderjobface of the Week.

I will seriously not rest until this girl gets some calcium.

6. Maybe she can borrow some from Isis.

God, how awesome would it be to come to find she's mainlining calcium? Isis, I'm afraid, is a bit on the simpleminded side. Like, more than the average Top Model. She's simplerminded. I love that all it took to keep her entertained as she administered herself hormones were Annaleigh's monkey impression...

...and her chicken impression. "She had me laughin'." Yeah, Isis doesn't strike me as difficult to impress in the least.

You know what I mean?

7. It freaks me out that Jay's arms are kinda hot.

Like, so freaked out that I feel guilty for having taken that screen shot. Jay Manuel instills gay guilt in me! That's not a compliment!

8. Look...

You would think that if someone had the remotest of chances of looking like Kelly Osbourne at her absolute worst, she'd do everything she could to prevent against it. Fuck handbags, design yourself, lady.

And besides Sheena's adventures in fuck shui, this was by far the best thing to come out of the bag-posing challenge:

It's been in Joslyn's mouth. Who wouldn't want to buy it?

Although, this was pretty great, too.

Wee! Blood rushes away from the head and takes the oxygen with it. Weeee!

9. This whole episode was amazing, actually. Top 5 in Top Model history, even, maybe. It's actually installments like this that remind me how much and how basically this show speaks to me. It's like they said, "How can we make this show gayer and more Muppet-like?" And voila:

Similarly, it was as though they said, "How can we make this show gayer and greener?" And, again, voila...

And how 'bout that new opening sequence? There's so much quickly edited Tyra, my arteries clogged in sympathy.

That's probably my favorite part, although this is amazing, too:

I like how it makes her look like she's assaulting whomever she's directing to do whatever. Which she probably does when she thinks no one's watching. But alas, the gifs see all!

The camera work is getting artful for no good reason other than providing a comparison to how gloriously artless the rest of this show is:

The editing was particularly masterful, between chopping up Racegate to do complete justice to its nonsensical nature to the chicken call/"She had me laughin'" combo to having Sheena narrate about manage the hurdle that is remaining conscious of her sexual delivery while showing her do this:

Return to sender, you know?

And then, there was the crowning achievement, the most self-conscious display of ridiculousness that this show has ever dared to feature (at least since the fireworks that punctuated Jade's elimination). As the ever talkative Nikeysha delivered a rambling exit interview, the music started up, the credits rolled...

...and Nikeysha was still talking. Absolutely hilarious.

Like I said, this show speaks to me, but I like it even better when it goes the extra mile to actually talk to me in no uncertain terms. It almost makes up for the fact that I couldn't make a nice animated gif of Tyra in and out of this pose...

...because of a cut and that stupid on-screen text. Win some, lose some, I guess!

Comments

[Victor]

am i really first?!

"i always knew this day would come and now that it's finally happened, i feel strangely... serene." ~ Quinn Morgendorffer, 'Daria'

[seanbperiod]

i love you and want to gay marry you for the insurance rich..

btw- everytime i saw nikeysha, i was reminded of oprah's lesbian gal pal GAYLE?

anyone?

also, tyra's look at the judging reminds me of her interpretation of madonna in the nothing really matters video, or the backdrop madonna did in drowned world tour for nobody's perfect.

anyone?

[BartenderJay]

PERFECT! The Vag Bag was great, the Udderjob Face of the week was priceless. Get that girl come Vitamin D! Make that whole milk. And that ending was hilarious.

Great job Rich!!

[Tracie]

I can't believe you didn't mention Whitney's mom being a "big" part of her life. I LOL'd!

[steele]

I completely missed the intro video!
no words, just awesome.

[Angela]

Funny as usual Rich. Keep up the blogging, as I stopped watching the show. Your recap is way better, and all I need to know.

[cizmad]

This episode was a garden of wtf-ly delights.

Sheena should win, thus allowing next-season-Tyra to refer to her as "The first Awesome winner of America's Next Top Model".

The V/Bag made me LOL.

[Victor]

oh also-- i can't believe you didnt comment on the fact that Benny Ninja finally wore a Tiny Hat! of his own volition, too!

[Victor]

SeanBPeriod: totally agree with you about Tyra's haircut being a blatant ripoff of not one but TWO of Madonna's past looks.

according to the ANTM Makeover Lexicon, Tyra is currently rocking the "classic" Vidal Sassoon-inspired shoulder-length bob that, when described in the Makeover episodes, is usually accompanied by a "SHLIIIIIIIIIIIICK!" guttural throat noise by Tyra.

past contestants that have rocked this look include Cycle 4's Keenyah, Cycle 5's Sarah-the-duck-billed-lickapus, and Cycle 10's Anyway.

[BlackRaspberry]

I also thought it was bullshit on Benny Ninja's part to give Sheena so much credit for throwing her legs open during the lesson and then clutch his pearls when she did it during the challenge. Mixed signals, Benny.

[Jennifer]

I must remember to wear waterproof mascara and eyeliner if I'm going to read these recaps at work. Right now Sheena is my fav. I was so done at her "a-ha" moment. LOL

[calicobebop]

Oh Gawd - "this being a reality show, shiny fabric isn't here to make friends" had me in stiches. That is the most over used phrase in reality history.

Love you!!

[trix]

I dunno, I never got the impression that Hannah is racist, just ignorant. I think she's kind of experiencing that stupid thing that happens when you know you're going to come across as one way, and you go out of your way to not seem that way, which ends up coming across as being more racist or whatever than you could ever have dreamed of looking. And you know, she's pretty dumb. I just don't see the racism, I don't think she's right, but I don't think she's racist and I think the other girls in the house really wanted to prey on her...

But that's just my opinion. Then again, I'm amazed she didn't say her best friend was black, so who knows?

[Kitten]

I didn't think anything could make me love Sheena more than I already do, but between the genitalia handbag & "model sexy" quifing gif, you just may have done it for me.

[kdub]

I own the shirt Isis is wearing in panel - it's got an empire waist that's supposed to accentuate your cleavage, which it does if you have any. On her it just falls flat. I wonder if they'll give her implants or girl surgery if she gets up to top four?

[Kaylyn]

You are amazing! I totally missed that the bus said eco friendly is fierce. Thank you so much for that.

[kdub]

And I agree with trix about Hannah, I do think she's just ignorant about anyone but white people. I come from a small town and when another woman from my town met a black friend of mine she said to her, "Oh, my son is dating a black girl, she's beautiful." We were all pretty appalled... but I think she just didn't know any better.

[Lizzie]

Victor - they also gave it to Cycle 8's Natasha, although the gave her the longer version of it.

I couldnt agree more with Rich's overall point - that this was definetly one of the more jam packed with awesome episodes of the entire "decade"/series.

[Kyle-Steven]

I was in tears over the music playing over Nikeysha. And now I'm worried I might actually run into her on the streets of the city and have no idea what to do if I see her. Aside from want to feed her.

[WormwoodScrubs]

Awesome entry, Rich. Your blog makes Mondays slightly tolerable.

My favorite moment of last week's episode (And there were so, so many) happened when Icfast said, "This is definitely my second photo shoot." I laughed so freakin' hard. What, did she say to herself "Girl, this is like the 10th time you've done this - not get up on that rope ladder," only to think about it and then realize, "Nope, this is definitely my second photo shoot."

I love this show. I hate myself for loving it.

[Wanda]

Tracie!!!!
You are not alone...I saw that too.
What was worse was the way she paused before finishing the sentence.

"My mom is a big.....part of my life"
Sounded almost like
"My mom is a big...person. (I my life)"

[WormwoodScrubs]

Awesome entry, Rich. Your blog makes Mondays tolerable.

My favorite moment of last week's episode (and there were so, so many) happened when Icfast said, "This is definitely my second photo shoot." I laughed so freakin' hard. What, did she say to herself "Girl, this is like the 10th time you've done this - now get up on that rope ladder," only to think about it and then realize, "Nope, this is definitely my second photo shoot."

I love this show. I hate myself for loving it.

[Katie]

Word, Victor! I was also expecting a screen shot of Benny Ninja in that tiny bejeweled top hat. Surely that absolves him of his lameness from the posing lesson.

[Wanda]

Correction.

(In my life)
Sorry, been one of those Mondays.

[bjooks]

"On her it just falls flat. I wonder if they'll give her implants or girl surgery if she gets up to top four?"

I wondered about the preview of next week's makeover, stating an ATNM first. Could Isis get implants? Could Sheena lose hers? Could they give Sheena's implants to Isis? Ahhh... the possibilities!