This really might be the worst of all time

Just read this, please:

The heart is stronger than you think.
It’s like it can go through anything.
And even when you think it can’t
It finds a way to still push on, though,
Sometimes you want to run away.
Ain’t got the patience for the pain.
And if you don’t believe it look into,
Your heart the beat goes on.

I’m tellin’ you that,
Things get better, through whatever,
If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up.
Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle?
You need to know:

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up.
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what?
Don’t give up, thorough it all just stand up.

It’s like we all have better days,
Problems getting all up in your face.
Just because you go through it
Don’t mean it got to take control, no.

You ain’t gotta find no hiding place
Because the heart can beat the hate.
Don’t wanna let your mind keep playin’ you
And sayin’ you can’t go on

I’m tellin’ you
Things get better
Through whatever
If you fall
Dust if off, don’t let up
Don’t you know you
Can go be your own miracle
You need to know:

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up.
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what?
Don’t give up, thorough it all just stand up.

You don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind
If you fall, dust it off
You can live your life
Yeah
Let your heart be your guide
Yeah yeah yeah
And you will know that you’re good if you trust in the good
Everything will be alright, yeah
Light up the dark, if you follow your heart.
And it will get better
Through whatever.

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up.
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what?
Don’t give up, thorough it all just stand up.

You got it in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
Find it within you, find it within

Through it all, just stand up!

Did you make it all the way through? If not, it's OK. Turn on your local Top 40 station because you can hear these words sung right down your spine. These are the lyrics to "Just Stand Up!" an all-star single that benefits cancer research and is quickly becoming one of the most popular songs in the country (it moved up 67 spots on the latest Billboard Hot 100 to No. 11). You may have heard it on that telethon last week. Or perhaps, you were wise enough to turn your TV off and gouge out your ear drums as soon as the herd of divas started wailing this nonsense.

It's too bored with itself to even rhyme. It can't even follow, like, second-grade rules of poetry! And I really don't think that Babyface (the writer) was trying to be all artistic and iconoclastic with his rhyme renouncing -- I think he just wanted a paycheck or recognition (it's been a while since either) and had nothing to say about cancer so things like, "And you will know that you're good if you trust in the good," came out. I really feel like this garbage could possibly do damage to cancer's already less-than-stellar reputation. Like I'm kind of embarrassed for cancer right now.

I mean, of course pop music lyrics are bad, but this song is extraordinarily clueless. It almost just doesn't give a fuck. These hollow platitudes and affirmations don't exactly work as lyrics, but (!) they might work in other contexts. After the jump, some hypothetical Photoshopping that I did for the love of the English language and out of pity for cancer.

In addition to a classy mug, portions of these lyrics work on a cat poster (on the day off of "Hang in there, baby")...

...in a fortune cookie...

...as a Shoebox Greeting...

...in an advertisement...

...on a beach (on the day off of "Footprints"...because, as I'm teaching myself, words, like Babyface's brain, sometimes take vacations)...

...and finally, on an endorsement poster for Sarah Palin.

This song should be ashamed of itself.

Comments

[k]

i nearly fell out of my chair with the sarah palin one.

top notch work as always.

[Boris]

You, sir, concoct inspired stuff daily. The "paid for by the pro-cancer society" bit on the Palin poster was a nice touch.

[Sofie]

LOL! the Sarah Palin thing totally heightened the level to genius.

[RD]

I can't believe that song is popular. I think that song is selling because it's a lazy way to donate money for cancer. One button on your iTunes as opposed to going to the Stand Up 2 Cancer site. Ugh.

[Stephanie]

They're all genius, but I think the tampax is the best.

I got a third of the way through the song before I started thinking of the lyrical stylings of R. Kelly. Or maybe they're all using the lyricbot 3000?

[HouseofJules]

Thank you for saying this! I thought it was just me being horrible, thinking the song was beyond bad. Whoever wrote it should be spanked, and not in a good way.
Jules
House of Jules

[Keyla]

I haven't heard the song and, after reading this, I don't think I ever will. The lyrics don't even seem deliberately cheesy, just lazy-cheesy (if that even makes sense).

[brista]

I'm glad to see the Pro-Cancer Society is getting its message out there by way of Palin. PCS always gets such a bad rap...

[AnnaTechnician]

hahahaha...bwahahaha...FANTASTIC.

[Maggie B.]

As a person going through cancer treatment (Hodgkin's Lymphoma) I can say I completely missed the telethon and haven't heard the song. I guess I'm a little distracted?

Rich I would like to somehow make one of your mugs, because that is better than a bracelet any day!

[sarah]

my hunch is they threw this together on pretty short notice..? do you know the back story? i wasnt expecting anything *less cheesy* given the how mainstream they're trying to make the cause & audience, but youd think theyd get something real phenomenal together for that many stars of such high caliber.

[candy]

I am considering myself fortunate that I haven't heard this yet. Now the moment I do, I can turn it the hell OFF!

Dude, the Tampax one is brilliant.

[Miss Lisa]

Laugh all you want, but I think this campaign has already been adopted by the Republican Party.

[Langtry]

Did Oprah write that song? 'Cause her fingerprints are all over that thing!

[Vera]

Rich, you beautiful jerk, I love you. I burst out laughing at the Tampax one and the Sarah Palin (although I think she said that exact line in her interview the other night...)

[Vanessa]

Rich, I rely on you for many things, only one of which is your insightful commentary on the state of pop music which I rarely follow anymore-save when I hear a brilliant couplet such as "Look at her hips, look at her legs ain't she stacked? I sure wouldn't mind hitting that from the back." I would like to think people are just supporting cancer research rather than this being yet another sign of the groundswell of insipidness in our society.

For example the co-worker who just told me that Sarah Palin's fashion sense proves she lives a balanced life and has good priorities-yes, that's a quote. I'd send her the last gif but doubtless your wit would be lost on her.

[Natalie Lewis]

amazing. esp. the Sarah Palin and Tampon one. The tampon one made me laugh. HARD.

[Spoon Me]

Miley Cyrus makes me wish I had never been born.

[chriso]

My Dad is in the end stages of cancer. I think if he heard this song he would die on the spot.

Also, the Sarah Palin one made me laugh so hard that I farted!

[chriso]

Oh, also, is this better/worse than Mya's "My Bra"? Cuz that shit is like, whoa.

Almost died when I saw the Palin one. Except that some people are so stupid that they might think that it's a great ad.

[Jackie]

The Tampax one is truly inspired.

My little sister just died of cancer so you would think I'd be behind this song 100% but WHAT THE FUCK!!???!!! I'm afraid the song makes absolutely no sense.

Hollow platitudes indeed. What a bunch of nonsense. I suspect that if one of us had said even half of this to my sister after her final round of chemo had failed she would have procured a gun and taken us out with her.

I for one will NOT be "just standing up". I think instead I will continue to visit hospice with my chorus, bring meals to people who are too weak to cook, and donate money to medical establishments that are actually interested in something other than to 40 hits. Sheesh!!!

My sister would have agreed with you and laughed her ass off at this post. Thanks.

[laylaness]

<< Like I'm kind of embarrassed for cancer right now. >>

You just made me shoot Diet Coke out of my nose.

The Footprints/Heartprints on is the best.

This ain't no "I Believe the Children Are Our Future", or even "We Are the World", by any means.

[emily]

sure you have already received tons of e-mails about this, but:

project runway fashion week ANTM walkers that i spotted:

dani(elle), bianca, and i think maybe eugena? danielle and bianca are clearly PR whores!