Once again, I say...
...bitch, you ain't Storm...even if it sometimes looks like you just got hit by one...
I now know why, "You better work," is an expression you often hear associated with the transgender community - if you don't, you look like this. Isis was asleep at the job and her eyes were only part of the problem. Complete and utter fail.
And also, letting Hannah go just as she's spiraling out into Junior Miss tizzy?
Failure all over the place.
You guys, she's from Alaska, just in case you're illiterate or short-term memory impaired or stupider than she is. Per her exit interview: "I'm really sad right now, because I felt like I might have disappointed my family, but I know that they're already so proud of me. Just the idea that I'm here. I mean, that's huge. I mean, I'm from Alaska!" Isn't it going to suck when she's back in Alaska and she has nothing to talk about with anyone?
In this episode, Sam learned an important lesson about fanny flashing: it doesn't work on the gays. You catch more flies with honey than pussy juice, you know?
I'd be disappointed, too, if I just fucked up the chance to worm my way into Tyra's heart and bank account for some on-screen sex reassignment. If only Isis had stayed on long enough to travel overseas, she could have left changed forever!
That's my theory, anyway.
"Well this week was a little different on Top Model, wasn't it? There was a little surprise that happened. So there's not 11 girls in front of me now, there's 10. Because Hannah was sent home after that fashion show. And it just goes to show you, you think you know Top Model, but you have no idea."
Very true. I had no idea that there was going to be a double-elimination this week (except for the fact that last week's preview implied it). But whatever, that definitely deviated from standard procedure. However, what I totally could have predicted is that when something extraordinary does happen, Tyra will point it out and gloat just like she did above. The rules have changed, but the sense of self-importance is unwavering. Perhaps I know Top Model better than you think. Your move, Ty.
(And I know Jeremy Scott agrees with me. He is so not having it in the screenshot above. Even though I kind of hate him, I kind of love him for that.)
And not to belabor the point, but how fucking cutting edge does she think she is? This woman is more repetitive than a confined dolphin. Every week, you know she's gonna wear something that doesn't make sense in terms of her body or the laws of physics, spout ideas that contradict themselves before they can even be fully expressed, and do a little dance between panel introductions and evaluations.
Who does she think she's fooling?
"I was on vacation last Christmas, chilling in Mexico with my friend Robin and we would take all these crazy, fun pictures in swimming pools and doing all kind of crazy things, always trying to model all the time. And then we did these shots where our lips and our noses were under the water. And I looked at Robin, I'm like, 'Robin, I'm gonna do this for a photo shoot of America's Next Top Model and here we are!"
This is the most boring story I ever heard in my life. I'd rather watch a play about football. I'd rather listen to Penny Marshall talk about balancing her checkbook in to-the-decimel-point detail. Shit, I'd rather listen to Twiggy. I love how the gist of it is, "I did and so you did it." LIKE EVERYTHING.
"One of our judges said that you're just coasting into nothingness because you're afraid to stand out."
She's, of course, referring to herself. A new spin on the narcissism that speaking in the third-person suggests? Making it anonymous. You think you know, but you have no idea because she's not letting you have it.
"What happened?! You were supposed to go so far. The girl that we saw in those photos last season is not here. She's disappeared in her pictures and she's disappeared in personality..."
I'm going to stop right here to note that I think it's amazing that Tyra totally chastised Isis for fucking up the angle of this cycle. God damn it, how are they going to top a plus-size girl winning now?
"...But if you want to be a model, you can and you're already an inspiration for the gay, lesbian, transgendered bisexual community. Did I get that right? I think I said 'em all. Right, Miss J? Thank you..."
In addition to being taken by Tyra's extreme sensitivity (I didn't realize how McCain-esque she could be until she bungled the LGBT rundown), I also completely agree. I, too, aspire to be as brokedown as my weave and wear three pairs of undergarments in pools. In fact, I aspire to use the word "undergarments" more, period.
And not for nothing, but Tyra looked completely grossed out when Isis was talking about dealing with tape and "maneuverin' things."
"So, you have to know that. But you need to work on those eyes or else you'll just be wahwah."
I believe she's done it before, but it clearly bears repeating that I love that as she's sending someone home, she'll go "wah waaah" in their face.
Again: extreme sensitivity.
1. Here are three reasons why I'm sad to see Hannah go:
You know? Her cluelessness, when it wasn't playing out as, you know, hatred, was a lot of fun. It seemed to me that the editors knew that this was a major loss and attempted to offset it by cramming as much Hannah in the first half of the show as possible. Practically everything that came out of her mouth was a greatest hit.
"J Alexander pulled out these bowling alley high-heel shoes. I didn't even know that they made stuff like that." She should bring them back to Alaska and cause a podiatric sensation!
"Oh my gosh! Blindfolded? I just learned how to walk yechterday!" But she's still learning how to talk, per her inability to pronounce "yesterday" and no other apparent signs of a speech impediment. She's so innocent and inexperienced that she doesn't even know how to talk wrong right.
And, of course, there's...
I hope that she did just that when she was leaving. I hate to think of what would happen to those beans if she left them behind. They'd be scared out of their skin if Marjorie started mugging and twitching at them, the poor legumes.
(Note that Hannah said she doesn't understand pity parties, but she said nothing about Pretty Parties. Those she's well aware of, apparently, since she was referring to Marjorie at the time.)
And you know, at least Hannah had a decent enough sense of humor about herself.
I really hope that it's survived the post-filming experience.
2. And you know what? Her elimination was such bullshit. Obviously, she was the worst walker by far, but shit, how many CCs of hippo tranquilizer did Jay give Tyra to get her to skip a girl's elimination? And obviously, I don't believe that she just did it to keep us on our toes because TYRA BANKS DOES NOT CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. I highly doubt that she'd forgo her obvious control-freakishness just to thrill viewers.
Regardless, you know that Jay's heart was, like, leaping and ejaculating when he found out he was going to get the chance to say to the American girls...
Jay's Tyra impression isn't just for Canadian audiences anymore!
And even though he botched the syntax (unless you're talking about going to Milan y'all, it's not "pack your bags," but "pack your belongings"), he was dead-on in one aspect of his impression:
He was smiling with his eyes at the prospect of being allowed to send a girl home. Thank god that he later wore a shirt with his name on it, because his mimicking of Tyra was so perfect...
...that if he hadn't, I would have totally gotten them confused.
3. And speaking of smiling with one's eyes, for an episode devoted to it, there was a hell of a lot more than that going on.
Take Hannah, for example...
...she's gasping with her eyes. Seriously, I think she thinks that if she opens them wide enough, she'll create enough space between her eyeball and socket to form a new breathing outlet. Whatever gets more oxygen to the brain is worthwhile, I guess!
Samantha is decaying with her eyes.
And here she's channeling demons with them.
Doesn't get much fiercer than demons, you know?
McKey's forfeiting with her eyes...
Creature From the Black Lagoon with your eyes, y'all!
Before, I couldn't figure out if Joslyn was just Southern or actually crazy, but thanks to this gif...
...I now know that Column B is pulling more of its share (However, "Thank you JAYSUS! This really has my adrenalin pumpin'. I'm ready for the next thing. What's next?!" certainly gives credence to the fact that Column A should not be discounted entirely).
And after Jeremy Scott's total bitch rant, in which he proved he's more than ready for his own reality show (not because he's dramatic but because he proved he had the skills necessary to out-asshole someone, as Sam's stupid vag reveal deserved a fraction of his vitriol), Tyra shot him this...
Even though she endorsed his rant, she clearly wasn't happy to have been forced out of the Drama Queen throne during this week's panel. She's banishing him to Bravo with her eyes.
And finally, regarding Clark's just-OK-but-we'll-say-it's-the-best-because-Lauren-Brie-is-running-circles-around-these-girls-with-her-legs-behind-her-head -and-we-don't-want-to-make-it-obvious-that-she-goes-really-far shot...
...Nigel said, "You're the only one that actually not just smiled with your eyes, but you smiled with your whole body, and it actually worked." I have a word for a smile with your whole body: orgasm. If they start requiring girls to go past the eyes and smile with everything, we're looking at a whole new show. Again: you think you know Top Model, but you have no idea.
4. Annaleigh smiled with her eyes ("I was blindfolded, I was smiling with my friggin' eyes..."), but a) they were friggin' and b) they were blindfolded.
God, Annaleigh friggin' annoys me and it goes way beyond the contagiousness of the word "friggin'." I hate that she was advising the girls on walking when clearly she is waaay too T.G.I.F. to be aspiring to runway...
I hate that she rocked Gary Oldman razor-licking Dracula hair...
I don't care that she didn't choose it. I still hate it.
I hate her vaguely yellow tongue...
I hate her Annaleap...
(Although, I think she might have said "yo" again, but I'm not certain. Decide for yourself. If so, I'm willing to accept the Annaleap. Whatever it takes to get her back to the point of "yo" is worth enduring.)
I didn't even like her picture that much this week...
The only things separating her from Elizabeth Berkley doing Showgirls promo are a pointed toe and some straw-colored yarn.
5. And just take another minute to soak in Lauren Brie's superior awesomeness...
Her arms remind me of a double helix, as though she's not just exhibiting good DNA, she's also imitating it. Nucleotide with your eyes, girl!
6. And as for shots I didn't like? There were a few (cough, Isis, cough Elina) but my least favorite was that of the consistently overrated McKey...
She looks like porno weirdo Sharon Mitchell and everything about the shot SCREAMS classy-not-penetratey 80's porn video box:
Ugh, and don't even get me started on what she wore to walking practice...
It's like Tyra circa Cycle 7 morphed with Arclight to attend RenFair.
(Thanks to Amy P. for the Arclight reference.)
I do have to give it up to her for walking with a pole attached to her and not giving even a whiff of a Carol Burnett impression...
It's not that McKey's bad, I just prefer her as curtains, not a model.
7. So, yeah, Isis was a complete and total disappointment. I fully agree with the basic criticism that she just didn't "own it." And by "it," I'm of course not referring to that which she is aiming to do away with. (Hint: I'm talking penis. Penis with your eyes, y'all.) I just don't see any reason to commodify your femininity if you aren't yet comfortable with it.
Isis seems nice and in a way, it was cool to see a transgendered person who wasn't a jelly-necked, finger poppin', oh-no-you-duh-hih-hih-hih-not-guuuurl cartoon. But in the end, it just kind of came across as apathetic.
One thing that I will miss that I didn't even know we had until it was too late?
Talk about a performance! Let's relive the magical oration from Isis' tranny godfather...
"You...are...the person who can set yourself up for failure. You are the person who can make yourself accomplish things. It's not what you are, it's who you are. It's not what they think you are, it's who you know you are inside. Make them understand why you are the goddess that you are. Unless you believe it, you are not going to see it. You understand what I'm saying."
Of course Isis understands what he's saying. We all do, now that Tranny Platitudes is required reading in our nation's public schools. You know that this whole conversation began with godfather being all, "Oooh, girl. Is this being taped? Good." Godfather, your child could use some of your sassafras. Please advise.
8. I was going to give Elina the Blowjobface of the week award for this:
...but then she did this, and it's so. Much. Better.
And while I'm talking about Elina, first of all:
I'm glad TPTB agree that she's Björky, per the "Big Time Sensuality" 'do they gave her.
And second of all...
"Racially ambiguous" is not a compliment. It's nothing to feel bad about and can suggest hotness, but on its own, it's merely a fact (however subjective). I love how they're presenting it like it's a rave review! And Elina's all...
Yeah. I'm the racially ambiguous shit. I know it.
They might as well have praised her even more faintly:
Her blandness suggests that she would have been just as proud
9. I had no idea what a task I was setting myself up for when I solicited the stuffing of my jellybag. My masochist nature strikes again with a heap of responses I had to sift through and then, in some cases, realize. I chose five that I dug or seemed to represent popular opinions. If you sent something in and I'm not running it, don't be discouraged. In some cases, the reference made wasn't on my radar. In others, I just didn't see the resemblance. An important tip if you want to contribute for next week is that the emails that provided pictorial evidence were much easier to use. Just so you know in case you care.
What I love the most is the parallel between Sam the Eagle's unibrow and Jeremy Scott's hipster bang. It's so innovative, I'm inspired to start referring to Jeremy's hair situation (and things of its nature) as a hipsterbrow. And so I shall.
Katherine M. says Marjorie is a ringer for Franka Potente in some Bourne movie. Or maybe all of them. I don't know, I haven't seen any.
And yet, I still think it's dead-on.
Hotlips Houlihan (the name's made-up, but it's not me writing to myself again, swear!) sees a parallel between Clark and Rachel Griffiths:
While others, like Raymi L. and Tamara S., see more of a Butthead resemblance:
Although this should be noted:
So that kinda debunks that.
And finally, ScaryMike, via his wife, points to the striking resemblance between Elina and Twin Peaks-era (and really, Child's Play 2-era) Grace Zabriskie.
ScaryMike not only has my favorite name of any of this week's Jellybaggers (sorry, Hotlips!), but also my favorite comparison! Bravo!
10. And finally, there is Whitney whose My Life as a CoverGirl segments manage to be the worst (and simultaneously best, obviously) of all time.
I love that they're trying to tell us that she's being noticed for reasons other than ANTM (LIES!) and that to do so, they're using a fake fucking set-up.
Why didn't they just plop her in Times Square and let the crowds go wild? Huh? Then what?
And then there's this bit of awesomeness:
See, people? Whitney's going places and I've got the visual metaphor to prove it!
And finally, let's not forget the barrage of entendres that they're forcing the poor plus-size girl to spout every week. This time, it was, "And hey, there's nothing better than being the next big thing!" I think we all know that there's no need for the "next."
Raise your hand if you think in next week's Previously on America's Next Top Model segment, Tyra will alter her language to refer specifically to Isis' situation ("And she was chopped off..."). I do.