31st time's no charm

"Hopefully you're gonna leave this competition with a little bit more self-esteem than you came in with," said Tyra to Joslyn, a once (and future?) beauty queen who auditioned for this show over 30 times, and as such, gave no indication of low self-esteem. And really, good luck holding your head up high Jos...

...after someone had to hold your hair on television.

Also?

Leaving before Marjorie does can't be anything less than spirit-crushing and confidence-dashing.

40. Elina

She's still crying about crying or not crying enough or the plight of the Ukrainians or Galapagos turtles or the dearth of fierce vegan footwear or something. If you're not from Europe you just would. not. understand.

41. Elina

And here she is crying because Sheena asked if she liked living in America. The best thing about this? She's Claire Danes' cry-voice doppleganger. Please don't ask her about her sexual activity.

42. Marjorie

You know, for stoic Europeans these girls are really holding it down for melodrama in American pop culture.

43. Elina

She's going to Holland! Which is in Europe! E.Leen...phone home!

44. Joslyn

Even though she was being eliminated, part of me wonders if some of Joslyn's tears were reserved to mourn the fact that she isn't from Europe.

Guess who else isn't (but has worked there!)

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"We're going to Holland...Hollannnnd!" and for a brief period of time, the show became a series of stickers that you get in a booth in the mall or on the boardwalk or whatever your local trashy-fun commerce center may be.

But what good is a party if you can't turn on all the lights and poke holes in the condoms? After this impromptu celebration, Tyra pissed all over the punch bowl and said, "But unfortunately, not everyone's going to Holland." Nice. To put her buzzkilling in another perspective, check this:

Ever been to Amsterdam...on weed?

Now you have.

Ever been to Amsterdam not on weed?

That's what it's like. It's as fun as two flags and a human headache machine.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Girl, that is the best CoverGirl Commercial I have seen in the history of America's Next Top Model."

I cannot believe that she rattled that off so fast, without so much as a single piece of emphatic punctuation breaking up the title of her beloved creation. It just goes to show you that you think you know Top. Model. but. you have no. idea.

1. And fine, let's just get down to these commercials. Wait, were they commercials or did Halloween come early via a late-night movie on early called Attack of the Painted Face?

Christ, that opening shot is tighter than porno ass. Or porno cinematography, even. You could see their pores but for the fact that they've been slathered with CoverGirl's Smooth Smoothing Spackle. Easy, breezy, breathe-proof!

And you know, Annaleigh's was the best, probably of all time even, but that's like saying calling a dominatrix tussle-fest "the best" because it left the fewest marks. It's supposed to be showy and painful and embarrassing for all involved, damn it! It's supposed to be marble mouths and stealing lame secrets to share and "Brazilia!" It's for our derisive entertainment! It's not supposed to be...

...Meg Ryan Jr., you know?

I like to think that instead of snapping, Annaleigh's compact says, "Yo!"

Also, a still from that gif reveals perhaps a layer underneath Annaleigh's chipper, as-American-as-apple-pie-and-wanting-to-lure-Russell-Crowe-from-his-wife facade...

She's taunting us.

(And really, if she wins this thing, which she very well could, it would make sense. Someone so tweeny wold allow CoverGirl leverage into the under-13 market, and I think we can all agree that our future sort of depends on awareness of Lashblast and Trublend pressed powder. I don't particularly like Annaleigh, but I'm more than aware of her usefulness as a purple-painted chip.)

Marjorie's was emotionless as you'd expect from a European.

Make that European...Martian? Check out that hand and tell me it isn't exactly the same thing Benny's got going on in Total Recall.

It's really too bad that Tyra isn't in search of America's Next Top Martian, because Marjorie would have this in the bag. Move over Sam, there's a new hand model in town and her radius and ulna are simply wild.

I don't care if Joslyn's was "fake" because a) anyone who's on my TV trying to get me to invest in Wetslicks does not have my best interests in mine, b) because I like her silent-but-deadly reading of the word "pow" and c) if Tyra's natural inclination is to do this as she's calling someone else "fake"...

...Joslyn's only following her example. And if it's not her natural inclination, why, she's fake, too!

2. And how about Europegate?

Here's basically what Elina's rage boiled down to:

I swear, this cycle could be dubbed The Girls from I'mfrom. It's enough to make me consistently agree with Sheena, a person who laughs at herself like she's high every time she makes a semblance of a point, as in: "You're only an immigrant in yo mind. (High laugh). You're only the way you feel." And how about, "It's where you're going, not where you're from." That's a Dead quote, right? That where Sheena's going happens to be Amsterdam couldn't be more appropriate. Do cyborgs dream of electric doobies?

And really, it's hard to argue with "Bottom line is we all come from some sort of background. Whether we have been repressed, whether we have been racially criticized. Stop putting it on being European. Grow out of it. Come out the shell." Because though it's Elina's and Marjorie's business if they want to be withdrawn, overseas-style, they were totally talking about it like it was this badge of cool in the beginning of the episode ("Oh, you really wouldn't understahhhhnd"). And Sheena's astute for pointing out that atheist Elina had no problem at all adapting to a holiday-themed shoot, to the point of looking so chastely evangelical, she looks like she believes she might go to Hell for holding a purple clutch...

And not for nothing, but Annaleigh looks positively Satanic in comparison.

The point is that the Nerd Herd is wrong...

...and they need to spend some time studying this:

Oh, my favorite thing to come out of this was Joslyn's reaction:

"I don't have time to worry about immigration!" Of course not! You have a televised modeling competition that's clearly more important. It sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but really...me too. :(

3. But don't think I'm too biased in Sheena's favor. Homegirl went from Queen of the Jungle to...

...Clan of the Cave Bear like THAT.

4. OK, so I love the Aswirl twins.

I love that they are what would happen if Dracula, Nathan Lane in The Birdcage and Patti LaBelle were thrown into a blender and then poured into two brittle human molds. I love how potentially confusing they are to lamewads.

I love that the trade they've seemingly devoted their lives to, if their collective name is an indication, is a useless bit of fluff on an industry as serious and nutritious as a marshmallow. It's about as vital as running security at the flea circus.

But you know, I'm really not convinced that the wisdom they imparted will have any sort of practical application beyond giving the girls an aging-drag queen swagger.

"We bring it up, we slip it on, we give a look. We are selling this hat." If saying "jim hat" were still in vogue, this could easily be Trojan-commercial copy.

I mean, there's something sort of infomercial-chic about the smoothness of it all, which seems unlikely and all...but again: not sure of the practical useage.

The best thing the Aswirls did was to get the freak ball rolling on this episode. They begat James St. James...

(Though, I so thought this was Jay Manuel at first. Also, it's apparently some sort of reference to It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which I don't watch, but I'm sure you would have told me that I missed the reference so HA! Beat you!)

...who begat one Nony Tochterman...

It was like some twisted evolutionary chain of crazies...

This may be the first time in the history of my. working. eyeballs. that I've seen pink hair make someone look way older than she most likely is (since I'm guessing Nony's not, you know, 70).

And it didn't even stop there!

Lizard girls ensued...

...though I feel like we were cheated without some V-style skin-peeling.

Joslyn totally looked like She-Hulk from behind...

James St. James turned into Super Mario Bros.' Bowser, because clearly the only thing to complement the giant pearls were some some giant back-spikes.

And then the biggest freak of all...

Someone who works in print and still has her job? Someone get the cage on wheels now because we're taking this one-of-a-kind specimen on a sideshow tour of the country.

5. Also?

Freaky.

6. Also part II?

What the fuck is up with Elina's hands? Does she have hypothermia? Is she gonna die? Is she so excited that she gets to dress up as My Pet Monster for Halloween that she had to wear her gloves to elimination? For real, those are just a hop, skip and a manicure away from this this:

I think Jay Manuel ones told the girls that their hands will age them, if they happen to be featured in a shot. I guess your hands can also reveal how monstrous your character is, as well? The hands! They're the gateway to the soul! Who knew?

7.

The look on her face suggests that she's trying to pass mail, and it's really not going as smoothly as she'd like. Deep breaths, girl!

8. In the best statement she's made since, "Yo!" Annaleigh said, "Whitney, Cycle 10 winner of America's Next Top Model pops up. I mean, this is huge."

She talking about the experience or the plus-size model?

9. I caught this series of totally ghastly expressions as someone (Sheena maybe?) was providing a voice-over confessional...

What do you think has her so spooked? My vote is a big plate of freedom fries or Annaleigh's use of an improperly conjugated French verb. Elle sont très nerveuse, that Marjorie.

10. This is so wrong:

It just makes me feel gross inside. And no, it's not seeing-your-parents-doing-it gross, as you may expect. It's more like watching someone at the onset of a painkiller addiction. Hey Tyra, lay off the Paula pills and lay off Simon, I mean Nigel!

(10.5. Because of last week's jellybag blowout (that may be the most disgusting phrase I've ever made from compound words), there is none this week. Next week it shall resume.)

11. I guess I'm squarely aligned with the Assimilators versus the Nerd Herd, because I still find many of the wacky ways of the former group amusing. Take for example, Samantha, whose compassion-free reaction to Joslyn's weird water-vomiting tickled me so:

And then there was her weird reaction to Joslyn's elimination, lest you think she was betraying her fellow culture warrior:

I love this. It looks like she's holding her head on. Photoshop fodder, haaaay! This provides a use for a bunch of screen shots I took but had nothing to say about. Take a look!

"Samhead, anyone?"

"Take two of these and call me in the morning...since you won't be here anymore and you can't just roll over and talk to me. Haha!"

"I'm not just a Samhead...

...I'm also a Samfinger!"

 

"Oh, fine, you can hold it, too, boss lady."

"Here, Sam's head...

...have a Samhead!"

"One of us is ordinary...

...but the two of us are ordinary and a Samhead!"

"You two need to sit this far apart."

I'm not even kidding. Really. I'm scarred.

Comments

[Chris]

Thirteenth!!

first? really?

[Style Bard]

Thanks, Rich! This was a great one... LMAO at Samhead (which could be so, so much filthier).

[I'm just sayin'...]

Yeah, I guess I'll have to cancel those New Year's Eve plans of mine.... since I'm an ATHIEST.

[MB]

Can I comment, even though I'm not EUROPEAN? Too bad about the jellybag, since I was hoping for a Hallmark's Maxine/Nony Tochterman comparison!

Thanks for making my Monday Rich! Love love love you.

[calicobebop]

Elina's hands were freaky! I was hoping you'd point that out. You never let me down!!

[Jess]

I am so over Marjorie. Her quirkiness is no longer endearing, but rather freakish. She looks like a damned freak with all the head bobbing and facial tics. Someone needs to give that girl some Klonopin.

[DLCS]

I want a Samhead for Christmas!!

One of my students was joking about being Elina for Halloween. She wants a stuffed marmalade cat to wear on her head. My students are nuts.
She's practicing her Non-Euro-Euro-Angst, too.

Yo.

[maria]

You should watch 'It's always Sunny...". It is a great show, and the first three seasons are on DVD. The green man appears in season 3.

[Arielley]

this episode was def a freakshow. Watervomit, mail passing and paulina's pigtails, and whitney's unchanging fake smile face included.

[em]

I agree --you should watch "its always sunny" it just adds to this show..bc as soon as i saw them i thought greenman! also..my mom was intown, and i made her watch this...and watching her watch the show was even funnier, i highly recommend!

[ven leones]

I don't really understand why they made such a big deal out of Elina doing a holiday-themed shoot. As though every model REALLY believed in everything s/he modeled for?
Sorry, but I gotta root for the Nerd Herd. Although I am a big fan of Sheena. I'd give my left nut to be Sheenafied. No joke.

[milkyaqua]

Thanks Rich.

Euro/U.S. gate was just tedious. All parties involved were twits. That said, Marj is a stealth bitch, Elina needs to do some more living and learning, Sheena will cut a bitch and Sam is a twit who talks crap about everyone, looks like my friends teenage son and can't leave my TV soon enough. I mean really, she needs to leave with her badly styled hair, questionable chin and body and funky attitude.

Color me surprised that Tyra didn't drag one of her last women of color overseas. Although, in the case of the commercials, I'd have put Sam and Marj in the bottom two and sent Sam home because she was selling something but it wasn't cosmetics with her scrunched up face and mush mouthed delivery.

None of the commercials were that great including Analeigh's who did the best but even her commercial was ruined with the overenunciation thing.

Leave it to Sheena to make an assinine comment about how Elina shouldn't do a holiday shoot because she's aethiest. She's a model and it's part of the job.

Tyra was her usual annoying, petty self. Especially, the send-off to Joslyn (and really they couldn't have edited out Joslyn's throwing-up?) and the feeling up of Nigel. I guess we should be thankful that she didn't dance before going off behind the desk for judging.

Previews for next week look pretty much like what I imagined when the locale was spoiled this summer. The girls in the red light district...yeah, you knew Tyra was going to go there.

[Dara]

SAMHEAD!!!! Even better than a jellybag.

Team Nerds!!

Rosetta Holmes, bananas!!!

[yng]

I haven't read many of the comments for Cycle 11, but has anyone noticed and commented on the Isis/Alica Keys resemblance? (My apologies to Alicia Keys)

[scots-guyy]

I'm from europe, and fuck if i know what the hell they are talking about.

[RD]

Aww, I wanna be Sheenafied too!

[MobPrincess]

I am fucking european and these two bitches get on my nerves like whoa! Especially the French one. So snotty and stuck up with her act of being "so shy". While Elina is trying to be "Angelina Jolie deep". Get a life whores, clearly you've been in america for longer than like 10 years so tehnically you are as much european as the last european dick you've had.Which I doubt you had any. Clearly.

Marjorie sounds just like Winona Ryder

[joshstoph]

So many favorites in this recap! Love Annaleigh's compact "Yo". And I'm glad you pointed out Elina's hands. They freaked me out, too. It totally took away from the melodrama of the moment. Tyra's "cop a feel" comment was...Ew. Poor Nigel.

[sarah]

loving samhead everywhere. she's my least favorite one probably.

[Paige]

OMG, love the "Rosetta Holmes!" American English (Yo Style)!!!

Also, it should be

"Elle EST tres nerveuse" :)

[seeldee]

That reference to Dominique randomly throwing the word "brazilia" into her Cover Girl commercial really cracked me up. *sigh*, I always remember past cycles of ANTM as being better than the current one. Some of those girls in Dominque's cycle were a trip!

Good recap, Rich!

[jillybean]

Awesome comments, Rich. I, too, was hoping you'd bring up Elina's hands. They were a completely different color than her face! Creepy. Speaking of creepy - when is Marjorie gonna stand up straight and not flail her arms about like busted windmills?? I actually think Marjorie's 'woe is me' thing is a big ol' act. Why is it that this cycle the judges seem to not listen to a thing Mr. Jay says during the photo shoots? Bugs me!! And what was up with that designers forehead? She looked like a Shar-Pei. And she pretty much hated every body. And Ann Shoket can shok et anytime now. I'm soooo done with her.

[beliefunwrought]

I love Sheena, but that did nothing to stop me from getting seriously annoyed with her this episode. I seriously think that she got the Witnesses confused with Atheists. Just because I don't believe in the silly story behind your holiday doesn't mean I don't like your parties. And I'm probably all alone in this, but I really don't like Sam. I did for the first couple episodes, but the more she talks, the more I want to hold her Samhead under a running faucet. I don't even have a good reason why, I just really don't like her.