Mohammed, my friend

One night a few weeks ago, I hailed a cab to take me home to Brooklyn. All went well for a few minutes, with nary a peep from my driver, until he rear-ended the cab in front of us on Bowery and Houston. I wasn't too bothered, since I was kind of drunk and no major damage was done to me or the car (not that I cared about the car -- I'm just saying this tap was so insignificant, it wasn't even fender-bender level). He, however, was extremely bothered -- his blunder was the catalyst he needed to explode into a story about getting picked up by the police and being held at the hospital for five hours (do they really hold you at the hospital for five hours, or was "hospital" a euphemism for "jail?") earlier that evening. He claimed racism, but from my angle, the police were not only doing their job, they were doing god's work.

From what I could tell, Mohammed wasn't drunk (i.e. I didn't smell anything on his breath), but something was profoundly up. He said something that was a perfect mesh of weirdness and exasperation. I can't remember it now, because as I was grabbing my phone to note it, I realized that I should go one better and record this display of on-the-job-off-his-rocker-ness with my camera (for the primary purpose of gathering the audio). Mohammed ranted at me for 20 minutes, taking about twice as long to drop me off as he should have -- you'll see why via navigational mishaps in the video below. I enjoyed every second of Mr. Mo's wild ride, which I've edited down to five minutes:

(Note: Understand that I weighed the pros and cons of posting this and I've considered all angles of criticism. In the end, I feel OK putting it out there because I believe in consuming entertainment where you find it and, uh, I kinda risked my life for the footage. I earned it! Mo's story must be told!)

Comments

[LisaN]

Oh, Mo. You had me at "sonofafuck". My name is Mohammed..hellooooo?

[lindsey]

I BLESS YOU, RICH. i bless you with green and holiness and whatever the fuck this dude's smoking because although it may make your ride smell like ass, anything that'll get me fucked up enough to drive the wrong way on a one-way street does it for me.

[Brandy]

Why are cabbies so bizarre? I used to always get a guy here in Toronto who would tell me all about some crazy health remedies that cured cancer and he would drive soooo slow and he had laminated print outs to read about this magical cure. One time it was some sort of berry and the other time it was some sort of mushroom. Both cured a girl of cancer!
I think more people should record bizarre cabbie conversations!

[Kate]

*GASP*

I highly appreciate your Tori Amos reference.

*runs to go listen to Boys For Pele*

[Paul]

"yeah you were polite...but I dont know if we're going the right way on this street though.."

hahahaha

"I kinda risked my life for the footage"

[-]

Is it just me or does he sound like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men?

[little_lj]

GOD DAMN I miss New York!

[sarah]

wow, i've had some crazy cab rides, but yours beats them all! congratulations on still being alive this morning.

[amber of theambershow]

this is why i fucking love living in this city.

[Natalie at FLHomeBlog]

"Um...I think you maybe need to turn ARROOUUNNNDDDDDD..." I liked experiencing this from your perspective. You helped him feel better, you definitely paid your dues, in turn he entertains your blog audience, fairs fair. I support your posting of this.

[Natalie at FLHomeBlog]

Oh! And I'm glad no Rich's, or Mo's for that matter, were harmed in the making of that video.

[RR]

This is one of the many reasons I miss living in NYC. Fantastic.

Rich, I think you need to start videotaping more of your cab rides.

[steele]

"Bless you Rich, I bless you!"

[Ricky]

His Roman Catholic theory is somewhat flawed, considering none of those presidents he mentioned were Roman Catholic. Reminds me of my grandma when she talks about the Jews!

[Brenna]

Awesome Tori reference.

[lucy]

he should be a guest on Pot Psychology. Seriously.

[rosie]

He sounds like the guy on the Handsome Boy Modeling School skits...

[rosie]

He sounds like the guy on the Handsome Boy Modeling School skits...

[tabletop_joe]

Have you ever heard of khat?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khat

It's very popular and may be your culprit here.

[Crescent]

"the guy was farting his brains out."

God speed, Mo. God speed.

[Cheryl]

They have TV's in cabs in New York? Is it sad that I'm impressed? We have little plastic shields on the backs of the driver's seats (I guess they figure a guy with a knife won't lean around the plastic) and my city thinks it's 'advanced'

[BlackRaspberry]

Wow, I'd just put on "Hey Jupiter" right before I clicked over here from Crunk & Disorderly. Love it.

[Pete]

It seems like he is having a manic episode. Always fun to watch, especially from the backseat while they are driving.

[Phil]

Cabbies here in NYC are sometimes weird. A few months ago I had some friends over and we were able to get the "spacious" minivan cabs that seat 5 passengers. Well 4 of us got in and he would not allow a 5th person in. He started screaming at me! The 5th person had to catch another cab, and even after we were going he was still lecturing me about only 4 people in it. I had to politely tell him to shut up. Then he started talking about giving birth or something......

[DLCS]

"Normal, normal, normal Americans" is now on the list of names for my fiance's whatever-the-hell for Rock Band.

Next can we have footage of Winston in a cab with Mohammed? That would be the best of everything!!