After months of an intense search that involved Sithian hoods, Aswirl, assimilation advocacy and clothespins on ill-fitting sub-Talbots shit, we have our winner:
Hottest one yet!
Really, with things playing out as they did, McKey makes total sense as the winner. I can't hate. Well, I could, but I'm really ready for this cycle to be over, so in the interest of time, I won't.
I. Can. Not. Be. Lieve. This. Bitch. Choked. Like This! I really thought Analeigh was way too overachievey dweeby to let jitters get the best of her. Seeing this is like finding out that Lisa Simpson considers herself to be "pro-family." It's chilling in a way that alters my world view, really.
...best CoverGirl commercial since Dominique's pro-Brazilia initiative, y/y? I mean, she said "Wetslacks," and she wasn't hawking Depend or anything! This could be the best since Jade's one-woman drag show. What I mean to say is that watching this felt fabulous.
And as much as I disliked Analeigh and have enjoyed Sam in the past, I cried here too (not really, though) because it was a small reminder that the world is unfair...and also how sucky this Top 3 was. You know shit's waaay fucked up when the phrase "Analeigh was robbed" runs through your head.
The downside is that Analeigh didn't take the spot in the Top 2 that she's deserved ("deserved") since Elina's elimination (yeah, and that's even counting her shitty/awesome commercial). The upside...
...she got to show her true colors on the way out. I LOLed when Tyra called her "peace-loving" in the opening, get-to-know-the-Top-3-since-she-foolishly-believes-that-anyone-outside-of-the-ANTM-cult-is-watching-this-shit intro. However, I LOLed harder when Analeigh did this. Peace! What a fucking nut!
During her Seventeen, Sam also threw up a peace sign. I like to think of it as a tribute to Analeigh, just as I like to think of this pose as a tribute to ineptitude...
...which is a fancy way of saying, "I like to think of this pose as a tribute to ANTM."
If I didn't care, I wouldn't say anything, you know? Oh wait, I still have the rest of the Crying Count to get through. How silly of me to forget how engaged I am.
Whatever. At least you got to wear a doily and pose in front of a green-screened Sleeping Beauty's Castle knock-off. Do you know how many girls would kill for this opportunity?
As always, my man Toho has tabulated my Crying Count findings, and as you can see...
...I have a lot of time on my hands.
But really, it's pretty hot that McKey didn't cry once and yet she won. So much for the theory about the squeaky wheel getting the oil.
You know? Squeak-free and greasy, that's McKey! She looks positively Squiggy-esque in this shot...but what's really important is that she didn't have to hang out with Penny Marshall to do so. That's the real lesson to take from all of this.
And here's another:
"There definitely is potential, because I think even though Samantha's is Modeling 101, you have broken your body in a way where it's Modeling 201...possibly?"
Also possible: Tyra's doing extremely well in her remedial math correspondence courses.
"Waaah, Mommy! I am a model!"
I don't think that Tyra's habit of professing herself the "mama" of these girls has anything to do with maternal inclinations or "instincts" or whatever. I think she just wants to feel like she isn't alone in her utter weird childishness.
That gif reminds me of...more gifs and their power of expression. They really say so much. Repeatedly. For example, I should be feeling like this now that ANTM is off and a weekly source of material has dried up...
...but really, I'm like this:
Come February (or whenever), there's going to be a whole new batch of silly toddler faces to capture and sillier pre-school sentiments to mock. To everything turn, turn, POSE! Frankly, I'm looking forward to a fierce-free holiday season. Sweaters with birds knit on them, here I come!
1. These shots?
They're sub-Clairol. It looks like they're shilling wig dye and the wigs are on break. I mean, they're there, but their wig-hearts aren't in it. I've never empathized with hypothetical wigs so much.
2. And on the flip side, the best thing about the commercial besides Analeigh's clitoral boner...
...was Sam's reaction to the kissing:
At last, a message we can all relate to. I really think there's a pop song there. It might not earn the hipster cred of Marjorie's song, but it could be a total smash...
I'd buy that for a dollar...in the rejects bin of a used record store, no doubt.
Oh, and if you ask McKey...
Kissin' is mighty cool. Clearly, it separates the next top models from the not top models. Not that I needed this show to tell me that.
3. Oh, and what about the weird transitions as the girls were explaining those highly complex commercials to us?
It was so arty, like straight out of Kieslowski or some shit. For a second, it all felt so...high-brow. An out-of-reality experience if ever there was!
4. And instead of that terribly complicated plot ("We're on a boat and then we, like, kiss a guy!"), I would much rather have an explanation for this:
"...this lip gloss contains Crest peppermint oil that gives you a boost of fresh breath and it actually brightens your smile." How in the waxed floss can lip gloss a) boost your breath and b) brighten your smile? Do you have to paint that shit inside your mouth? Is the gloss so glossy that the shine reflects off your teeth? Does it seep into your bloodstream? Seriously: HOW?!?
And then there was this:
"It's not sticky at all. Some lip glosses are so gross. Isn't that the worst?" Well, Whitney, it takes the worst to know the worst.
5. Hey Jay!
What's the best way to take in that goddamn shirt of yours?
That's what I thought! I loved how I-hope-life-treats-you-kind-and-I-hope-you-have-all-you've-dreamed-ovvvvv-uh-huh-uh-huh-ovvvvv between the commercial and the photo shoot: "So everything's gonna go smoothly, I hope. And I say that because I'm not gonna be here. You're alone with Jim."
Really? What the fuck does Jay Manuel have to do that's more important than yelling impossible orders at the girls ("Smile with your chin!" "Look sensual, not sultry!" "Serve me up some fierce face and while you're at it: a dodo egg omelet!") and make faces like this?
Was it this his way of foreshadowing his runway, which was the picture of Pepto, being both pink and accompanied by nausea?
I love how Sam called this, "mountains of pink whimsical magical Candyland," even if it's not wholly accurate. All those dips and hills look more like The Game of Life to me. Maybe that comparison isn't in line with Jay's commitment to make the gayest-whatever-ever at every turn, though.
6. What would the last episode of a cycle be without a Blowjobface of the Week?
Tyra gave one, too, but it's not as good because once you retire from modeling, you get to eat ribs and not try as hard and give bad head.
Not even kidding.
7. Did you catch this?
In a normal situation (or, uh, more normal) anonymous praise like "the good bitch of the east" is convoluted and queer enough to make me assume the genderfucker on the panel. But this shit being what it is, any of those motherfuckers could have said that and it would have made total sense.
8. Although, I do feel that Nigel was kind of the voice of reason this time in two respects:
He really sums up the state of this show (first example, emphasis on the ellipses) and this cycle (second example) so well that I think I could have just thrown up those two quotes and they would have sufficed as this week's recap. I wouldn't do that, but that doesn't mean I wasn't tempted.
9. For if I had done that, I wouldn't have been able to expound upon the brilliance achieved here:
Ya ask me: full circle (full cycle?). She started dressed as a futuristic Tyrabot, and that's how she ended. But do keep in mind that in addition to upholding the tradition of hideous finale apparel, this get-up has a practical use...
It transforms you into a walking book fair.
It's a great way to manage your Thanksgiving needs. That way, they're never too far, but you have your hands free to make cranberry sauce and amends with the family that hates you primarily because you keep poking out their eyes with your wardrobe. Hey, that's seasonal!
It stores the many looks of Tyra from throughout the cycle. All you have to do with these shrunken heads is add water and pop 'em on. This is basically the easiest way to become your own walking wig crypt.
(Like how I brought that full cycle once more?)
Oh, and when I cut out her head from the first finale elimination (second one in on the left), the resulting outline looked so much like broccoli, that I had to do this:
Sometimes you just gotta, you know?
10. And finally, there is one lingering question in my mind:
Or maybe more to the point HowTF? Luckily, instead of wondering for the rest of my life, I got to ask McKey about this in person (Sheena brought me along when she did her post-show interview with McKey on finale night). Here's her being put on the spot regarding this monumental moment in reality show strength:
Nothing like the fear of God, right?. Oops, I mean Tyra. Wait, I mean God.
No, I mean...both.
Hey, that's everything. I didn't get to assemble the Jellybag this week, so I think I'll do a post-Thanksgiving roundup of everything. Not that it'll be relevant next week, but I feel bad hording people's observations.
Anyway, thanks for reading and sending me more side-to-side comparisons than I could ever know what to do with (obviously!). This show is an institution and I enjoy treating it like a mental ward. So thanks for helping me do that! I look forward to the non-ANTM time more than you would ever believe. For those who won't be back till the next cycle: see you next cycle.
And look, it all worked out:
Mom and dad got back together and everything. Dreams really do come true!