Ha! I totally called this shit inside and out!
I'm going to let you in on my process: it's eternal. Devising these recaps, scouring the show, manipulating images...that's all cake and a blast and I always want to do something like it. Putting the actual recaps together, on the other hand: the uploading, the formatting, the transitioning...well, that can sometimes feel like a chore. Because the format is a somewhat tightened spin on free association, I kind of just follow my nose throughout the post. Hence the snottiness! But also hence the hours it takes me to get these things out, since I rarely know where they're going a head of time and since when I hit the tinniest pebble of a bump, I immediately procrastinate.
Because of this, and because I'm writing on a week night and don't have, you know, a Sunday's worth of hours to let it trickle all out, I'm going to shift format ever so slightly this week and present my observations in the order that they occurred during the episode. It's not going to be a full explain-it-all recap, just the result of tighter organization. I find often that a little variation helps preserve my sanity, anyway. Of course, just as often, I find that people get nervous or hatey when I decide to do something different so for those: do not worry. This is most likely a momentary stop in Conventionaltown. I'll go back to torturing myself next week.
Which would you rather wake up to:
...new haircut freeze-frame bugged-out Marjorie or...
...moving, judgmental, ticking emotional time-bomb Marjorie? You can only pick one. Make. Your. Choice.
(Ha! I love playing the role of Jigsaw for the eye sometimes.)
Analeigh's Foxy Five (or whatever they ripped off Bret Michaels this week to refer to themselves as) celebration reiterates that her dorkiness knows no bounds.
No, I do not want Analeighhead. I would not like it in a box. I would not like it with a fox. I wouldn't accept upon starvation. And you know I have no use for it while masturbatin'. Thanks for the offer, though, Anal.
Go-sees! You know what that means!
They will all try (and fail!) to act normal in front of strangers and...
...judgmental foreigners who take this show even more seriously than Tyra, and who we'll never see again...except for this guy, since he's Richard Roeper. I always knew that RR had a touch of fashion homo in him.
The girls are off! (I just typed "The girls are awful," by mistake, but that's equally true.) Marjorie's go-see experience is so pathetic that there are no words.
Well, no words except maybe these two:
There are tears...
(No. 45, baby!)
And, I can't decide what's more hilarious: the gif above of that sweatsuit-sporting Dutch grump (formally: grutch) openly blowing Marjorie off (here, let's look at it again and again and again and again)...
...or Elina's thrilled reaction when Marjorie ranks this among the most horrible experiences of her life...
Ah schadenfreude. Keeps us going. It's fossil fuel for the human body -- we should give it up, but we never will.
You know, the thing about Marjorie that's so irritating to watch is that where she wallows and psychs herself out, the other girls get jokey...
"It's like Pagen-Lagen-Smagen-Schpagaberg," says Sam in reference to the poetry of Dutch (because you know Sam's the type to think all poems have to rhyme in order to be poems). Analeigh is even funnier (I can't believe I'm saying that!)...
Mocking the Dutch: it's not just for xenophobes, after all.
The point is that next to Marjorie, Analeigh comes off so much better. She better hope that they make the Top 2, because it's the only way she could win this thing (although I think McKey has it in the bag).
And props to Analeigh for showing us the extent of Aswirl's useless...
...in under 10 air-time minutes. Clearly, there's a thin line between 'em.
Oh, and this dickhead:
I love how up his own fashiony ass he is to say something like this in reference to Elina: "I wouldn't book her as a model, because she's playing a model, and she isn't a model." Welcome to the show, Mart! Can you please judge within its own reality and not actual reality since a) that could be applied to each one of those girls, and b) technically, you're playing a fashion designer since you're on TV and not actually designing.
Again, I say: welcome to the show.
Elina just couldn't win, right? This actually made me feel bad for her stiflin'-bitch ass. First, she had to put up with Mart-Hold-The-K's shit. Then, she took heat because of her tattoos, which are her best mode of expression (since flapping her gums isn't exactly effective)...
...then she got dresses as one of these weird doll-yarn combinations that my grandmother used to put over her spare toilet paper...
...(I never got that, though: I guess it's immodest to showcase rolls of toilet paper you aren't using?)...and then, this happened:
If I believed in karma, I'd say, "Ha!" And then an anvil would fall on my head.
But that'd be better than what landed on McKey's (and Elina's to a lesser extent in the shot above). This designer lady totally took a bath puff and, per Tyra's advisement no doubt, made it fashion:
I guess it's a Dutch thing.
The best thing about Analeigh's victory?
I love that Elina reflexively screamed, "Oh my god!" in the most disapproving, what-is-this-flesh-eating-virus-on-my-face tone when Analeigh's name was announced. How lacking in control! How uncharacteristic! How not European!
The moral? When in Rome, do as the Greeks do.
At home, Marjorie bumps up the Crying Count again...
She then brings me close to tears...
Strategically placed shampoo and conditioner are the only things separating me from a major shit-fit.
Did you notice that there was no My Life as a CoverGirl this week?
Could it be that the show is actually recognizing how particularly lame those spots have been this season? I never woulda guessed. I mean, I knew it was aware, but not that aware!
In response to a Tyra Mail that mentioned baring all (or close to it), the girls think they're going buck naked. Sam hopes that this means sophisticated titties-out instead of...
..."Hi! I'm nude!"-titties out. She wants no part of something like this, then:
Can you blame her?
Watching the shoot, I feel 12 again for two reasons.
I find this hilarious. Yes, indeed, it doesn't take much more than funny faces to make me laugh. And from the looks above, we're all 12.
Reason 2: I'm brought back to the first time I saw Jason Vorhees' dead mother when Tyra does this:
...and see how easy Ty Ty fits into the role:
Kill her, Mommy! Kill her! And by "her," I mean, "Mr. Jay."
Except I doubt that would happen. It's all love, for you see...
...she was lustin'!
Marjorie's pre-shot ritual seems to involve doing a Grover dance:
And if that wasn't enough to make her more adorable, surely this new 'do she gets is...
Super short, super cute, and yes, I realize that I'm saying this all in reference to fucking Marjorie! Awkward gets an upgrade!
As Tyra shoots and reflects, she stumbles upon our first Tyraism of the Week...
"Elina, what a little...stiff girl." This is notable because you know she wanted to say, "What a little bitch." Don't worry, Tyra: we heard it anyway.
Meanwhile, McKey gets a Clockwork Orange eye, per Tyra's request, that actually makes her look more like Marilyn Manson.
The road to hell is paved with referential intentions. And so is the long one out.
At panel, Tyra combines two themes we've already visited this episode...
...she takes slasher-film chic and makes it fashion:
However, this close-up is the scariest thing of all:
At the start of panel, Tyra delivers her second Tyraism of the Week: "Five chicks in the room. Lovely, lovely, lovely." However true it may be, it was kinda bitchy of her to leave Marjorie and Analeigh out. I mean, the three lovelies have to be Elina, McKey and Sam, right?
Shut up Analeigh. Who asked you? And I know the answer is me because I put your picture there. Still: who asked you?
Jay Manuel is perhaps at his most useless on panel.
Since Tyra was at the shoot this week, he's undoubtedly imparted all the wisdom and insight he has to Tyra, both in front of the girls' faces and behind their backs. He's gotta be a last-minute fill-in. I guess Roeper had some movies to say bland, uninformed things about or some children to terrorize.
Sam's picture is so hot, although it's really so generically Calvin.
I think someone emailed me this week to say that it looks like she has a penis.
But that's pagina, at worst.
Analeigh is not so much SuperDork as she is SuperDuperDorker.
Although this is hot:
Even in the face!
What a difference refraining from hay makes!
I'm just saying this so you know I'm not a total hater: I can admit when an eyesore that I find annoying in the disposition looks hot!
And this is Elina's "crazy shot":
We find out that, "This frame in particular is when Tyra said, 'Let it all go.'" Don't blame Elina for guessing that "it" meant "the mail." She's just birthin'!
In the end, she is eliminated, thus giving us not only the 47th cry of the cycle...
...but also, the third Tyraism of the Week:
"Sometimes not being in control is the most beautiful thing in the world." I have three gifs and one word to say about this:
(Regular format and Jellybag will return next week! Thanks for hanging in there with me. Seriously, the best present I could have given myself this weekend was a more relaxed schedule. That's what happened and that's why I'm smiling still.)