In a refreshing contrast to their endless stream of categories, most awards shows fall in one of two: the boring and the infuriating. With repeated lip service to (but no sign of effects of) the recession/burgeoning depression/reason to lay-off everyone and their mother, multiple trophies for John Adams (which I didn't see and hear is great, but still: zzzzzz) and Slumdog Millionaire (I'll get to my scorn, but for now: hello, frontrunner!) on top of a lifetime achievement for Steven Fucking Spielberg, the 66th annual Golden Globes fell squarely into the latter category. Seriously, everyone who was actually there was so bored that they wouldn't shut up while people tried to read their bland-ass throws. I can't believe I actually watched the whole thing. If I weren't planning on writing about it, I would have turned it off and pulled out all my body hair, strand-by-strand, including the hard-to-grasp nubs on my head, and I still would have been more entertained. Sometimes having a blog is just an excuse for organized masochism.
Like, really, when at one point early on, the picture faded in and out, as though even the camera's eyelid were getting heavy, I was like, "Really? You too?"
And yet, I still found much to mock. Of course.
First of all, this?
Looks like a dog whose choke chain is being pulled too tight.
Second of all, this?
Obviously stinks. I can smell the mixture of Tantric semen and ocean-liner garbage from here. This is what you look like while sharing an auditorium with Sting...
...Nicole Kidman. You look like a disheveled and flared Nicole Kidman.
I love that when her name was called for that Cadillac Records song, Beyoncé made a full seated revolution like she's the Trash Heap or some shit...
Where are Michelle and Kelly to say, "Nyah!" to the camera when you need them? Since she was entertaining without trying or boring us to death with a ballad, I can only assume that Sasha was the personality we were privy to.
Do you think Eva Mendes was aware that her dress had a conjoined parasitic twin?
When they cut to the audience immediately after she came out, you know that they were all reacting to her dangly Basket Case couture.
They're totally laughing at her! Salma Hayek, on the other hand...
...was not amused.
Nor was she amused when Sacha Baron Cohen made a joke about Madonna having to let go of one of her personal assistants, Guy Ritchie.
God, Salma. Pull the stick out of your ass and laugh at other people's domestic failure, please? I guess she missed out on the funniest comedy of the year, Revolutionary Road. That climax is a real knee-slapper!
There was also a shot going into commercial of Salma doing this:
It was cut to look like she was conversing with an equally nonchalant-bordering-on-bitchy Eva Longoria, but who knows? Regardless, Salma clearly was feeling sassy. If she were a Spice Girl, her name would be Spicy Spice.
I could not pay attention to Anna Paquin's laundry list of people worth thanking because I was having an internal dialogue about the fact that she never has fixed her teeth and whether I hate her for this or admire her.
I still don't have an answer, but I can say that for some reason she's really hot to me? She looks dirty in the good way, not the Sting way. I don't know, I feel weird about the whole thing.
The middle one's the cute one, right?
I don't even know why I'm asking. The middle one's the cute one. If either of the other two are your favorites, you are wrong.
The Golden Globes love to give away weirdo one-off major ("major") awards to unlikelies, so I suppose it's good that Sally Hawkins was enjoying this shit while it lasted. This sign of emotional overload came immediately after mentioning the Hollywood Foreign Press, which gives out these stupid awards and thus garners played-up reverence throughout the night, like it's Xenu or Pinkberry or some shit. That is why I loved Mickey Rourke's speech.
He thanked Axl Rose and his dead fucking dogs, but not the Hollywood Foreign Press. Ha! Last Golden Globe for him EVER! Also, he's just not giving up on the Ram, huh? His outfit is exactly what Randy would wear to such a class outing, right down to the wallet chain and sequined scarf (they kind of match if the light catches them right!). Let's not forget the highlights...
...or the overall aw-shucks good-guy vibe that could also be detected last month when he called out Sean Penn for being a homophobe, subtly aligning himself with gays and showing us another way in which he can be a champion of the underdog. I love The Wrestler and Mickey seems pretty fucking cool, but who's zoomin' who, really?
I don't know how the hell we're supposed to find Benjamin Button's case "curious" when we have Demi Moore.
In 15 more years, her hymen will have restored itself.
How embarrassing was it when she called her daughter out for slouching?
Public shaming under the guise of motherly concern. Celebrities: they're just like us!
Oh and speaking of Benjamin Button, since I'll never review it since I walked out of it since I found it so dreadfully boring and offensive since the only interesting thing about Benjamin was his condition and framing a movie around that is no less narrow-minded and exploitative than profiling someone only because he's black or gay or whatever. Benjamin Button is not here to fill reverse-aging quotas, damn it! But yeah, speaking of that, the quote that Jake Gyllenhaal read from David "Gunning for Oscar" Fincher about it turned my stomach: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button does not settle for the notion that youth is wasted on the young. Whichever way you’re going, however you end up, life is complicated and making it work is your responsibility.” Life is complicated, guys. I don't know if you know that, but if you don't, have I got the three-hour time vacuum for you!
Colin Farrell sniffled and said, "I still have a cold. It's not the other thing it used to be."
What the hell was that? Was he making an STD joke? And if so, did he have the clap in his nose? And if so, how? And also, did you have any fucking idea who well-regarded In Bruges was? I thought it came and went with no fanfare like Cassandra's Dream or some shit. It's on the IMDb Top 250, for fuck-tape's sake!
I feel uncomfortable not seeing Renee Zellweger's nips through her sheer top.
So, look: I made it better.
The question isn't whether Terrence wiped Megan down before he allowed her to touch him...
...it's how much hand sanitizer it took to satisfy him.
"I'm the face of post-racial America! Deal with that, Cate Blanchett!" Quote of the year so far, y/y?
I looooved how openly pissed off Christina Applegate was about losing to Tina Fey.
You know that inside she's like, "Surviving fucking cancer didn't give me the edge?!?" Seriously, what's it gonna take Globes? Decapitation? She really is eternally an underdog.
Steven Spielberg, honored in the wake of maybe his shittiest movie yet, talked about wondering, "Can I get away with it?" when making movies.
You know what he got away with? Making Celie's pussy a faintly suggested landing pad for Shug rather than the fucking Venus flytrap it was in Alice Walker's book. Am I the only one who gets routinely pissed off about the ex-gaying of The Color Purple? My blood boils fucking time I think of that movie, which I admit is nonetheless moving and iconic. Still, can someone remake that shit and do it right this time? I believe that the subject matter is pertinent.
You know by the time Emma Thompson hit the stage with her beyond-theatrical affectations, I was exhausted at the inanity and in no mood for her broadly gestured shit.
I'm so glad that Dustin Hoffman felt exactly the same way.
I really don't think he's acting, either. I just think he can't stand the classically trained bitch. He's at his wit's Howard's end.
As for the winners: what the fuck ever. I don't pay attention to the TV categories because I do not watch award-winning TV. I have no time for award-winning TV. TV to me can only be informative or the most garbagey garbage. Obviously! I was happy that Vicky Cristina Barcelona won for Best Musical or Comedy and I thought it was hilarious that Penelope Cruz told the producer or whoever ended up speaking that she wasn't going to as if anyone asked her! Tell us in another life when we are both cats, Penelope! Kate Winslet winning twice was cute, since she's so underrated. And as for Slumdog Millionaire (get ready for a spoiler or just quickly scroll down to Aronofsky flipping you off)...
...eh. I don't love this movie. I liked the first half OK, but it made a single hour feel like three. I was seriously ready to go home. And then I had to watch another hour of decreasingly plausible cards falling into place. I agree entirely with what Salman Rushdie recently said about this movie: "I have problems with the storyline. I find the storyline unconvincing. It just couldn’t happen. I’m not adverse to magic realism but there has to be a level of plausibility, and I felt there were three or four moments in the film where the storyline breached that rule." Like, for example, the entire structure that required the Millionaire questions being asked in the exact order in which the answers presented themselves in whatever-his-name-was' life. Total bullshit. And I know, "It is written" and rah rah rah fate and blah blah blah, but sorry, I'm just a non-believer. Here's what I have to say to fate:
I have similar feelings about the Golden Globes. Not that I won't watch them again. It's kind of cathartic, really.