And yeah, "Isn't Ryan adorable?" may just be the intro angle to all of my Real World posts until the season ends or till I stop covering it...which may happen when I'm up to my frowning eyes in ANTM tomfoolery. Soon enough, sigh.
Also, I'm getting over the flu, so I'm going to keep this as brief as possible. My cold-medicine-addled attention span won't allow any different, anyway.
Soooo, the social issue on this week's The Real Very Special World was none other than abuse. That's a new old one, a greatest hit we haven't yet heard. And yeah, I meant that hit pun. Isn't "no pun intended" the most common disingenuous phrase in the English language? It is especially so when you're writing, since by acknowledging the pun and not hitting backspace, you're condoning it and thus from an editorial standpoint, intending it. "Pun acknowledged" isn't as soothingly rhythmic, but it's vastly more accurate. Just something to consider.
So yeah! Abuse! That involves sleeping bags. Or, uh, one sleeping bag. And that's...it? I didn't understand if Sarah's story was chopped up so as not to offend sensitive viewers (since everything about this damn season is so fucking sensitive) or if really all that happened was that her dad once took her camping and only brought one sleeping bag. Hard to say. She seems awfully affected by that, regardless, so clearly it's a grave situation. Certainly, if she was already sensitive from having suffered actual sexual abuse at daycare, her father's move was at least detrimentally inconsiderate. Her pain is real, certainly, but is she dragging her father through the mud based melodrama? Again, hard to say. That relatives and authorities have been unfazed by her allegations doesn't exactly bode well for her case (though one could exist in the artificial, pastel world of Lifetime and still be cognizant of the very real fact that even accusers with the soundest of cases sometimes have a hard time convincing people).
In the end, I'm left wondering if Sarah was abused-abused or...
Regardless, it's nice that she channeled her pain into actual service instead of just letting it consume her and her ass.
That kid's absurdly adorable, too.
And not to shit on Sarah's pain, but the exchange between her and her mom at the beginning of their initial post-father-trauma call ("Mommm..." "WHAT!?!") provided such a contrast between slow and low, and abrupt and high that it still has me cracking up and I've listened to it probably 30 times already. Seriously, listen to that shit on a loop, and it's like spinning comedy gold from tragedy. Just call me Blogelstilskin! Or Diablo Cody...whichever feels appropriate.
And no matter where Sarah's dad's hands went in however many sleeping bags, the guy is at least moderately douchey for saying that his identity was private when anyone other than Sarah (i.e. JD) answered the phone. Uh, earth to Father Fouling: you do realize your entire conversation is being taped, right?
Not that I'm siding with JD! In fact, up until that point, his pissiness when Sarah's father refused to identify himself by name was totally unjustified, as though he has all these arbitrary phone rules, like this boss bitch, who's been the love of my life since last week:
Except, JD wishes he could be that fierce. Or this fierce:
At fucking Angles and Kings, which I will never set foot in on anti-guyliner principle alone, JD was strutting his transgender friend Angelique, showing her off like an extension of his Magnum-clad penis, which is a scenario more complicated than Ted Haggard's faux-straightness in a New York Sports Club sauna, but whatever. That's exactly how he was swinging around this person presumably no longer with anything to swing around, herself.
Like, as in the AVN Award? What?
The Devyn-Angelique showdown was as cringe-worthy as what lead up to it.
I know that Devyn said she felt like she wasn't adequately prepared, but it was just embarrassing. You know how Anita Baker sings like she has mashed potatoes in her throat? Devyn sounds like she has Anita Baker with mashed potatoes in her throat in her throat. Approximating cousin Shelly's high-pitched caterwauling with a flava injection, Angelique was about 5,000 times worse.
I did like that Devyn called JD out on his "disrespectful, dismissive and dismeaning" bullshit, despite the fact that "dismeaning" isn't a word. It doesn't have a meaning. You might even say that it's dismeaning. But whatever, like I said, JD defies the laws of grammar. For someone who is worster, I can think of no better word than "dismeaning."
Did I mention that I'm on cold medicine? Not making excuses, just explaining.
So I loved Devyn for fisting him a new asshole (and then refusing to hug him afterward, butch queen that she is!), and for this:
But not for her Jersey disrespect. The only thing worse than going to Jersey on purpose is going by accident, fool! And the only thing worse than that is being made to sing a public-domain song on your ensuing audition. It is.You know you woulda sang "If I Could," bitch, if you could...have.
Oh, and note to Katelynn: you were already out to Chet. I understand that controlling these things is important and I'm totally on board with ragging on JD for whatever comes out of his mouth since it's inevitably going to be stuffy or obnoxious or condescending, but he didn't out you to Chet. Ryan did on the first episode, but even someone as clueless as Chet would have figured it out by now. I mean, come on.
It was Chet who was this week's beneficiary of the alternative-sexuality-exploration edit.
Not like that, although I do think that this may explain his lifetime lack of boob contact and his current sentence to alligator kisses and wet dreams, which EW. Then again maybe I won't EVER THINK OF CHET'S EJACULATING PENIS WHILE HE'S SLEEPING.
Except maybe just once more. Here's what Chet looks like when he's napping:
I'm so glad that I only have to watch people being roommates with him. But for real, Chet's description of celibacy was interesting because it just seems so far out. And you know, good for him for doing what he thinks is right and not hurting anyone in the process or disappointing them with his inevitably underwhelming prowess. That seems like a public service itself! However, watching him interact with a female I couldn't help but wonder...
...is celibacy really a choice? Seems like something some people are just born with. Not that there's anything wrong with it!