On this, Fo's last episode of America's Next Top Model, the shorty-short-short-short told us, "Dreams do happen." Had she stuck around, she would have learned that in addition to happening, they also come true.
Maybe if she had learned that, the tears would have stopped. But since not:
Her signaling of agony is so broad that I feel like she should do Greek theater. They still do Greek theater, right? I mean, if she had a mask on, you could still feel this shit.
The calm before the waaaaaaaah:
But she assures you that she had a great time. Really! She may be in crippling emotional pain but it was swell! I love Fo's tendency to assure people that everything is great as she purges everything -- salt, pieces of pupil, stomach lining, placenta -- through her tear ducts. Really, I think that's what I'll miss most about her.
"If you were to make it in the modeling industry, you would have a body that rivals Naomi Campbell's. Naomi has one of the best bodies in the history of the modeling industry. But I don't think that you know what you have. What I see in your pictures is a waste of a body!"
You know, whether she's saying nice, mean or scared things about Naomi there is no mistaking that Tyra is OBSESSED like Beyoncé. (Or is that the other chick? I didn't see Obsessed, and I really should have!) Oh well, the Naomi references are at least something dependable in this unpredictable world, like fist-fighting after tequila and pooping after coffee. Or maybe that's just me?
Also: waste of a body? If you can notice and alert those of us who don't that it's so good, it's hardly being wasted. What the fuck does she want from it? Splits? The mountain pose? A pretzel? Is she being judgmental or just hungry? Always a tough call with Ty.
"I thought that in this photo shoot, you would be like:
"'I'm cute and I have big eyes.' But there is sexuality. There is, like, sexual mermaid that washed up on the shores of Brazil. Very impressive."
I loooove "sexual mermaid!" It's true, though. I think mermaids' hole ambiguity only creates more sexual tension, too. Mind you, I've never fucked one. Just hypothesizing.
Also, this isn't anything verbal, but a statement of a different kind:
That fucking hair keeps getting bigger! You know it's just a matter of time before she comes out, all:
The ratings decline, the hair gets bigger. Yet another one of those comforting constants.
1. And speaking of big and the head region, how big did Fo's head look in her shot this week?
About that big. Homegirl was a California Raisin without any of the regularity-ensuring fierceness. I try to stay away from ANTM discourse before I put down my thoughts, but I did notice that quite a few people were up-in-arms about the choice of this as her shot this week, assuming that surely she must have had something better. However, watching the footage of her shoot that we were privy to, I'd suggest not counting on that:
But you know what I do feel short-changed about? Fo's character. I don't know if I just wasn't in tune with her nuances or if they edited out her quirk, but she said some amazing shit this episode (as evident via the "dreams" quote that opened this post). Come with me through a short journey through this week's Fo-isms:
My favorites are the last two. The last one makes me think that everything's going to work out for her. Seems like everything's falling into place exactly how it's supposed to. All she needs is a starter gun!
And to think that someone so short came up with all of this! Wow. It would seem that miracles, much like dreams, do happen.
I doubt Fo knows how amazing she is. It took me the longest time to realize, and now that she's gone, I miss her. Don't it always seem to go that way?
2. And speaking of wonderful quotes, try this one on for size:
Who you callin' a ho, bitch? Just kidding. At least she has a language barrier to hide behind. Fo just has her brain to hide behind (and per this week's picture, it's quite the formidable barrier). But really, who knew Brazilians could be so creepy?
Look at this:
That smile is entirely too "Black Hole Sun" for my liking. She wants your soul. She will eat your soul. The only way she'd be freakier is if she wore an Aphex Twin mask.
And how about this creeperton?
In last week's preview for this week's show, he seemed as planted and vaudevillian as anyone else on this shit. But just watching him undress the girls with his beady eyes made my soul crave Pepto.
He seems sinful.
Not that Celia helped:
You know, just 'cause a dude has a lot of tit to grab doesn't mean you actually have to grab it. Just a helpful hint from someone who knows!
Oh, and Nigel didn't help dam this guy's seeping juices, either.
On one hand: gross! On the other, this guy seems to be in genuine need of attention. Allowing him to have a taste of it is one of the most charitable things ANTM has ever done. Congratulations, ANTM. You're still in the running toward becoming the most frivolous Make a Wish Foundation yet!
...Allison's weave isn't just bad. It's evil. It's weavil. Seriously. Look closer:
There is a face in that shit and it looks eerily like a skull!
See what happens when you don't wash your hair? I feel like this should be part of some instructional video to scare children into good hygiene. My mom told me when I was little that if I picked my nose, I'd get worms and, being, like, 3 at the time I only knew "worms" to mean "earthworms." I imagined giant earthworms burrowing in and out my nostrils and the ensuing embarrassment. Once I realized that that's not what she meant, I started picking it again and haven't looked back ever since. So basically, you really need to instill fear in your children for as long as possible. It's your only hope, lest you end up with worms crawling in and out of your weave skull.
4. I also loved Allison's reaction to the go-see reveal. Everyone else was all...
..."Yes! Go-see episode!" and...
"Go-see reminds me of 'goosie!' LOL!"...Allison was like...
And she proceeded to become increasingly crestfallen as the scene went on:
I call that shit foie wah wah waaaaaah.
I wonder if, as a white girl with no idea what to do with a weave, she was mostly downtrodden about the "soul" criteria of the go-sees?
And again, I'm gonna have to say that this proves that Brazilians are creepy. Soul? Seriously? This isn't America's Next Erykah Badu! (But sometimes I really wish it were.)
5. As for the actual go-sees: meh. Not zany enough. I thought Aminat was the most charming and found myself in the odd position of actually rooting for her. That never happens! But I understand why Teyona won, since she's the winner and has to look perfect and blah blah blaaaaaaah.
The go-see competition did, however, result in the meanest moment ever on ANTM: having the disqualified girls go up to the roof only to watch their counterparts laugh a hearty helicopter laugh...
...as the chopper wind almost blows the losers away:
I mean, I'm all about committing acts of cruelty to models, but damn. This seemed low even to me.
6. Instant LOLlison:
7. I know everyone thought Allison's shot looked sexy, but to me...
...it looked cough-droppy. Seriously, all I can think of his lozenge when I look at the way she has her mouth. She was surprisingly sexy on set, I thought, I'm just not sure that this is the shot that captured that.
8. And speaking of pictures, how'd you like this little tip from Paulina?
"Never, ever practice a lot before the actual shoot. You always wanna sleep on it." Yeah, so you know the whole conceit of this show that emphasizes the importance of training to become a model? Don't do that so much. Come on, girls! Stop taking what everyone says literally! Learn to blow off the judges! But not too much! Hey, listen to me! (But stick some cotton in your ears.)
But really, in other words, don't do this when you're sinking in quicksand:
The sand doesn't know from fierce.
And while we're on the subject of old, ancient, Celia, who uses the Dead Sea Scrolls as tampons, you know how she said she thinks of sex while modeling?
Well, now we know she's into asphyxiation. Thanks for the peep into your life! I felt like I viewed it through a glory hole.
I was all...
9. Although, speaking of Celia's 25 long years on the planet, I did think that Tyra's explanation of why someone so ancient and decrepit was allowed on the show (as well as why someone as wee and slight as Fo was) was at least logical -- that you can have those strikes against you, provided that you're awesome. It at least makes a lot more sense than all of a sudden dogging some girl for being the same age she's been all along, you know? Props.
10. How Yosemite Sam was Teyona about her fucking prizes?
Her rant would probably make a good ringtone. Just saying.
I love that the girl who needed a new wardrobe got the wardrobe (shades of Cycle 3's be-pimpled Ya Ya winning a facial that one time). I also love, speaking of Cycle 3 and resemblances, how Kelle Teyona was:
I mean, that isn't even a joke: that's an actual snout. A layer of fat. A platterpus, if you will. When Kelle said it about herself, it seemed ridiculous. Now, it seems like prophecy. I wonder what Kelle has to say about the recession.
11. That screen shot of Teyona reminded me that no matter how much this show "falls off," no matter how many people get bored and check out, it will always be television's premiere source of people doing stupid things with their faces on purpose. Let us reflect:
And for that reason, I am ride-or-die with this show. It is home to me.
Ew! That's nasty!