Falling short

On this, Fo's last episode of America's Next Top Model, the shorty-short-short-short told us, "Dreams do happen." Had she stuck around, she would have learned that in addition to happening, they also come true.

Maybe if she had learned that, the tears would have stopped. But since not:

50. Fo

 

Her signaling of agony is so broad that I feel like she should do Greek theater. They still do Greek theater, right? I mean, if she had a mask on, you could still feel this shit.

51. Fo

 

The calm before the waaaaaaaah:

52. Fo

 

But she assures you that she had a great time. Really! She may be in crippling emotional pain but it was swell! I love Fo's tendency to assure people that everything is great as she purges everything -- salt, pieces of pupil, stomach lining, placenta -- through her tear ducts. Really, I think that's what I'll miss most about her.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"If you were to make it in the modeling industry, you would have a body that rivals Naomi Campbell's. Naomi has one of the best bodies in the history of the modeling industry. But I don't think that you know what you have. What I see in your pictures is a waste of a body!"

You know, whether she's saying nice, mean or scared things about Naomi there is no mistaking that Tyra is OBSESSED like Beyoncé. (Or is that the other chick? I didn't see Obsessed, and I really should have!) Oh well, the Naomi references are at least something dependable in this unpredictable world, like fist-fighting after tequila and pooping after coffee. Or maybe that's just me?

Also: waste of a body? If you can notice and alert those of us who don't that it's so good, it's hardly being wasted. What the fuck does she want from it? Splits? The mountain pose? A pretzel? Is she being judgmental or just hungry? Always a tough call with Ty.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"I thought that in this photo shoot, you would be like:

"'I'm cute and I have big eyes.' But there is sexuality. There is, like, sexual mermaid that washed up on the shores of Brazil. Very impressive."

I loooove "sexual mermaid!" It's true, though. I think mermaids' hole ambiguity only creates more sexual tension, too. Mind you, I've never fucked one. Just hypothesizing.

Also, this isn't anything verbal, but a statement of a different kind:

That fucking hair keeps getting bigger! You know it's just a matter of time before she comes out, all:

 

The ratings decline, the hair gets bigger. Yet another one of those comforting constants.

1. And speaking of big and the head region, how big did Fo's head look in her shot this week?

 

About that big. Homegirl was a California Raisin without any of the regularity-ensuring fierceness. I try to stay away from ANTM discourse before I put down my thoughts, but I did notice that quite a few people were up-in-arms about the choice of this as her shot this week, assuming that surely she must have had something better. However, watching the footage of her shoot that we were privy to, I'd suggest not counting on that:

 

But you know what I do feel short-changed about? Fo's character. I don't know if I just wasn't in tune with her nuances or if they edited out her quirk, but she said some amazing shit this episode (as evident via the "dreams" quote that opened this post). Come with me through a short journey through this week's Fo-isms:

"I've been told I'm a little short, but I definitely try and give it my all."

"Even though I'm short, I don't care!"

"I know time is a big thing in fashion."

"I have, like, all these go-sees to go see."

"I'm just ready and set to go!"

My favorites are the last two. The last one makes me think that everything's going to work out for her. Seems like everything's falling into place exactly how it's supposed to. All she needs is a starter gun!

And to think that someone so short came up with all of this! Wow. It would seem that miracles, much like dreams, do happen.

 

I doubt Fo knows how amazing she is. It took me the longest time to realize, and now that she's gone, I miss her. Don't it always seem to go that way?

2. And speaking of wonderful quotes, try this one on for size:

 

"She has a great, uh, career I think in her front."

Who you callin' a ho, bitch? Just kidding. At least she has a language barrier to hide behind. Fo just has her brain to hide behind (and per this week's picture, it's quite the formidable barrier). But really, who knew Brazilians could be so creepy?

 

Look at this:

 

That smile is entirely too "Black Hole Sun" for my liking. She wants your soul. She will eat your soul. The only way she'd be freakier is if she wore an Aphex Twin mask.

And how about this creeperton?

 

In last week's preview for this week's show, he seemed as planted and vaudevillian as anyone else on this shit. But just watching him undress the girls with his beady eyes made my soul crave Pepto.

 

 

He seems sinful.

Not that Celia helped:

 

You know, just 'cause a dude has a lot of tit to grab doesn't mean you actually have to grab it. Just a helpful hint from someone who knows!

Oh, and Nigel didn't help dam this guy's seeping juices, either.

 

 

 

On one hand: gross! On the other, this guy seems to be in genuine need of attention. Allowing him to have a taste of it is one of the most charitable things ANTM has ever done. Congratulations, ANTM. You're still in the running toward becoming the most frivolous Make a Wish Foundation yet!

3. Guys...

 

...Allison's weave isn't just bad. It's evil. It's weavil. Seriously. Look closer:

 

There is a face in that shit and it looks eerily like a skull!

 

See what happens when you don't wash your hair? I feel like this should be part of some instructional video to scare children into good hygiene. My mom told me when I was little that if I picked my nose, I'd get worms and, being, like, 3 at the time I only knew "worms" to mean "earthworms." I imagined giant earthworms burrowing in and out my nostrils and the ensuing embarrassment. Once I realized that that's not what she meant, I started picking it again and haven't looked back ever since. So basically, you really need to instill fear in your children for as long as possible. It's your only hope, lest you end up with worms crawling in and out of your weave skull.

4. I also loved Allison's reaction to the go-see reveal. Everyone else was all...

 

..."Yes! Go-see episode!" and...

 

"Go-see reminds me of 'goosie!' LOL!"...Allison was like...

 

"Fucking geese."

And she proceeded to become increasingly crestfallen as the scene went on:

 

 

I call that shit foie wah wah waaaaaah.

I wonder if, as a white girl with no idea what to do with a weave, she was mostly downtrodden about the "soul" criteria of the go-sees?

 

And again, I'm gonna have to say that this proves that Brazilians are creepy. Soul? Seriously? This isn't America's Next Erykah Badu! (But sometimes I really wish it were.)

5. As for the actual go-sees: meh. Not zany enough. I thought Aminat was the most charming and found myself in the odd position of actually rooting for her. That never happens! But I understand why Teyona won, since she's the winner and has to look perfect and blah blah blaaaaaaah.

The go-see competition did, however, result in the meanest moment ever on ANTM: having the disqualified girls go up to the roof only to watch their counterparts laugh a hearty helicopter laugh...

 

...as the chopper wind almost blows the losers away:

 

I mean, I'm all about committing acts of cruelty to models, but damn. This seemed low even to me.

6. Instant LOLlison:

7. I know everyone thought Allison's shot looked sexy, but to me...

 

...it looked cough-droppy. Seriously, all I can think of his lozenge when I look at the way she has her mouth. She was surprisingly sexy on set, I thought, I'm just not sure that this is the shot that captured that.

Oh and what about her claim of no previous modeling experience? The Internet begs to differ, homey.

8. And speaking of pictures, how'd you like this little tip from Paulina?

 

"Never, ever practice a lot before the actual shoot. You always wanna sleep on it." Yeah, so you know the whole conceit of this show that emphasizes the importance of training to become a model? Don't do that so much. Come on, girls! Stop taking what everyone says literally! Learn to blow off the judges! But not too much! Hey, listen to me! (But stick some cotton in your ears.)

But really, in other words, don't do this when you're sinking in quicksand:

 

The sand doesn't know from fierce.

And while we're on the subject of old, ancient, Celia, who uses the Dead Sea Scrolls as tampons, you know how she said she thinks of sex while modeling?

 

Well, now we know she's into asphyxiation. Thanks for the peep into your life! I felt like I viewed it through a glory hole.

I was all...

 

9. Although, speaking of Celia's 25 long years on the planet, I did think that Tyra's explanation of why someone so ancient and decrepit was allowed on the show (as well as why someone as wee and slight as Fo was) was at least logical -- that you can have those strikes against you, provided that you're awesome. It at least makes a lot more sense than all of a sudden dogging some girl for being the same age she's been all along, you know? Props.

10. How Yosemite Sam was Teyona about her fucking prizes?

 

Her rant would probably make a good ringtone. Just saying.

I love that the girl who needed a new wardrobe got the wardrobe (shades of Cycle 3's be-pimpled Ya Ya winning a facial that one time). I also love, speaking of Cycle 3 and resemblances, how Kelle Teyona was:

 

I mean, that isn't even a joke: that's an actual snout. A layer of fat. A platterpus, if you will. When Kelle said it about herself, it seemed ridiculous. Now, it seems like prophecy. I wonder what Kelle has to say about the recession.

11. That screen shot of Teyona reminded me that no matter how much this show "falls off," no matter how many people get bored and check out, it will always be television's premiere source of people doing stupid things with their faces on purpose. Let us reflect:

 

 

 

 

And for that reason, I am ride-or-die with this show. It is home to me.

Also?

 

Ew! That's nasty!

Comments

[Seishin]

Fish eye lens + high angle = looking short in a photo. And the judges were shocked by this?

In other news....water is wet, the earth revolves around the sun, bears shit in the woods, etc.

[GuyDeluk]

Love Celia's still being here, and the Yosemite Sam reference- glad you gave another funny recap :)

[ellen]

why is there not a gif of celia grabbing the moob? :(

[Blake]

the

fuck geese remark had me lol'in. in a literal sense.

hair skull anyone?

[famousamy]

Pooping after coffee? LOL.. think it's time to call a doctor, Rich.

Also, so glad I'm not the only one who noticed Tyra's hair growing in size!

And ROFL at the California Raisin comment and pic. I was thinking Bobble Head, but "California Raisin" is so much better.

Thanks again for making me laugh on a Monday.

[Jhg812]

YES!! You commented on the Nigel-chest hair thing!

Oh, Fo. She really did a lot for your crying count.

[Cheryl]

How come they're not coming down on Alison for the condition of that weave?? I'm drawing a blank but many cycles ago I KNOW they gave a girl grief about the lack of upkeep...was it Shannon? Anyways, Alison still FTW

[Miss Lisa]

The Allison link to her photos is so like the Margaret Keane Gallery (a San Francisco art staple of big-eyed waifs that is completely ignored by art critics worldwide).

My parents had a Keane girl ("The Waif") hanging up during my early childhood--a pixie-haired blonde, wearing a yellow dress and black tights, standing in a back alley in a dirty, polluted city environment. No bloody nose, but pretty damn frigthening. They finally put it in the closet when they realized how horrifying it was and I used to go in there and scare myself with it sometimes. I think Allison should reenact these 60s-era paintings and forge a new career path in kitsch art reproduction.
http://www.keane-eyes.com/

[Alina]

ha! before I even read your comments I looked at the shot of Fo and thought, "damn, that girl looks like a California Raisin!"

[Kit]

Thank god you noticed Tyra's hair. I was going on about it so much during panel that my partner was all "Okay! Her hair is big! She's a black girl!" (which started a whole thing about how her hair is unbeweaveable and ergo, not black - suffice to say we missed any lulz available during panel).

Although I was aware of (and commented on) creepy fat guy, creepy Nigel, creepy-chan's creepy hair (in between cheering for Fo's exit edit); I was unaware of the creepy soul eating designer. Thanks for that. White girl will haunt my dreams tonight.

Perhaps last week's Alison fish-gif will charm me back into sweet dreams...

Nice recap!

[Lisa]

It's ok, I poop after coffe too.

Rich, you are hilarious this week. There really is a skull in Alison's weave and America's Next Erykah Badu would be amazing, but only if it was still hosted by Tyra. "I want you to express a month of the year through the way you wrap your headscarf."

[Katie Ann]

I wondered if Tyra had some chicken wire or some sort of scaffolding under her hair this week, dayum. And did anyone else think Paulina looked a LOT like Debra Messing in this episode?

[hope]

Lord. That chubby dude reminds me of Flounder from Animal House. Maybe it was that dude....

I think Fo was really Naima-esque in her photo shoot. When I looked at that I thought "damn, she looks like Naima there." It's funny, because Naima used to do a lot of that crouching thing and they loved it from her. But they just keep telling Fo she's scrunched over. What's the dif?

I kinda like Ty-ty's huge hair. And I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks Allison needs to wash her hair.

[Guy DeLuk]

WORMS IN YOUR SKULL WEAVE! WATCH OUT!!!

[Courtney Crave]

Tyra's hair totally reminded me of Gene Wilder's in Willy Wonka. But not as awesome.

[Ben]

foie wah wah waaaaaah = best.

also, i can't beweave there's someone else on this planet who simultaneously appreciates ANTM, aphex twin, AND the california raisins.

<3

[Kelly]

Look at Aminat and Teyona in the helicopter. WHY does Aminat have her hands in Teyona's crotch?

[Vanessa]

Unsurprisingly, I watched the judging and kept wondering if you would comment on Tyra's horizontal hair. For a show about modelling, I find it more than a little odd that her hair is frequently a fashion don't.

And, I'm not feeling Teyonna but didn't she normally dress ok for panel? Other than that one babydoll dress which I didn't think was offensive. I thought they liked a tank and jeans which is what I remember her wearing. Isn't that the model uniform? Why did she need to dress up?

And also, never practice before a photo shoot? Doesn't that contradict literally years of ANTM advice? Dare I ask how could they sleep on it if they don't know what the shoot is the day before? Am I thinking about this too much? Which is to say, am I thinking about this at all?

This show is indeed going downhill and yet Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel is a snooze. I can't figure it out.

[Dandy Darkly]

I thought the fat dude was hot in a nasty fat dude kind of way.

When Nigel fondled him...he fondled all us nasty fat dudes.

You should have seen Obsessed! "Breathe Bitch!"

Great recap. You had me laughing out loud.

[Annie]

Longtime listener, first time caller:
Rich, you have GOT to see "Obsessed." The climactic cat fight is like "Death Becomes Her" in Dereon Jeans.

[Shanghaishrimpo]

Hysterical "Creeperton" comment!
Now I can't stop giggling...

[missy]

What is up with fat dude models arm, esp. in the grabbing photo with Celia? It looks burnt in a strip and is missing a lot of hair! Weird. I hate Teyona and her gigantic mouth. Oh, and with Fo being short, aren't they doing a whole show with short models next cycle? Go-see's are gonna HATE them next season then.

[Another Kristin]

Fo = California Raisin, yes; but also? Mr. Jenkins of Tanqueray fame.

Awesome recap as always!! especially Allison's "Fucking geese" face.

[Victor]

so, was i the only gay dude who kept checking out the Muscle Speedo Guy flexing his bi's in the background in Celia's pic? DAYUMMMMM... with an accent on the YUM.

in my next life i want to be reincarnated as his green speedo, so i can spend all day on his ass :)

[i9M]

Allison went to my high school. Total art nerd and totally creepy, and she's prolly the only reason why I'm watching this season....