On this week's episode of the best-worst-I-don't-even-know-anymore show on television, two girls were eliminated for acting like strippers and whores.
They did this in the context of a bachelor party. Generally speaking, aren't the types of women who are asked to the kind of bachelor parties that Paris Hilton's friends would throw, in fact, strippers and whores? Wouldn't they otherwise risk getting kicked out for not doing their jobs?
So, yeah, that's pretty reprehensible, especially for an episode that was set up by Paris proclaiming, "This week I’d like to concentrate on the idea of sisterhood." I guess she means "concentrate" on it like Carrie? The better to burn it down with! But you know, I can't turn away from this shit because a) I'm addicted, and b) I haven't seen a lap dance that resembled a game of chicken so thoroughly since Showgirls. And you know I love me some Showgirls.
And of course, everything's over-the-top and stupid and by "sisterhood," Paris meant "sorority sisterhood" so that included dividing the girls and boy into two teams (Leather and Lace) and respectively whipping and tickling them, S&M-lite style...
...and then whipping up a shake that included caviar ("Every girl should love caviar!"), pickles and sardines...
...and making all the girls do a shot of it. It was just like the episode of Punky Brewster when Punky and Cheri were hazed by the Chicklets except without the "nose candy"...as far as we know. (This is what I'm talking about, although she shake scene is missing from the clip -- you can see the empty glasses after the star wipe, though.) The girl who yakked...
...was ultimately "rewarded" by being made this week's pet.
She was further "empowered" (yes, that exact word was used) when she was given the opportunity to put one of her "sisters" up for elimination during the episode's climax.
See, as with last week, I really love writing about this show because merely running down its events allows for more absurdity than I ever dreamed of, and since I'm on a 24/7 cuckoo-bananas grind, that's really saying something.
Just one more point about the bachelor party nonsense:
Like virtually all of the challenges on this show, it set people up to fail by determining who's stupider than the stupid challenge (i.e. who's actually going to be dumb enough to act a whore at a bachelor party?). The two who fell for it (Arika and Monica) are the ones who were bounced. But in setting up (or at least, condoning) a challenge in which one of her potential besties would hopefully fuck up and make out with the groom-to-be (thus making her elimination decision clear-cut because you know she doesn't like to do much thinking), isn't Paris the real asshole?
I mean, of course she is. I obviously don't have to ask. That she had the entire group assembled besides Arika (the maker-outer) and then had Onch retrieve her ("I had Onch tell Arika to wait inside because we had a surprise for her. But I didn’t say it was a good surprise!”) so that she could literally shame the "slut" in front of everyone...
...seemed mean even for an on-record bitch. It did, however, yield a fabulous eventual defense from Arika ("I didn't want to be a party pooper!"), so, y'know, trade-off.
I'm also sort of fascinated with this show's seeming interest in perpetuating secondary cliches of its genre this season (as opposed to the first-season turning of well-known reality cliches on their ears). It's basically The Strangers of reality TV. Where else than reality TV do you see people indignantly adjusting their boobs?
Or botching fairly common expressions, as in...
"I don’t think she have all her screws up there."
Or cutlery antics?
Outside of the realm of cliches, I can't choose the best quote of the episode. I have it down to three:
"I just really don’t like when people don’t like me for no reason!"
"Now that we have our ice cream, give me the scoop."
On the keeper of tit-grabbing indignance/pariah: "She asks questions seriously just so she can answer her own questions." Nicole, meanwhile, talked and talked and talked about the tit-grabber (Kaitlin) and her tendency to...
...talk and talk and talk. These people wouldn't know self-awareness if a mirror smacked them in the head.
Oh, wait. What lap-dancer Monica said upon her elimination in response to Paris' criticism ("You were interested in showing them just one thing: your privates") might actually be the best quote:
Don't blame your behavior that rendered the apparel useless; just blame the apparel. Yeah, that works. Also, don't blame Paris, blame...
...Gaga. Suddenly things got a lot more interesting. Except, you know, not.
Amazing as usual. The walk of shame was the best part of the episode, but I thought Paris was going to reveal that the guy wasn't really getting married.
Posted by: lol rofl | June 10, 2009 at 04:32 PM
A) Thanks Rich, now I'm watching this show - solely because of you.
B) Steven, or was it one of the other girls, in talking about the shaming of Arika - mentioned how the groom was going around trying to get all makey-outie - how come they didn't stand up for Arika? Drunk people often make out. You either giggle like a 2-year old, get angry like a 4-year old, or make-out like a 12-year old - that's the rule of alcohol. I wish the person stood up for Arika at that moment - if only because her puppy-dog lip when she was being shamed was SO AWESOME.
C) How could you leave out THEE best line of the episode? When Amy Winehouse said of Monica's lap-dancing "It looked like she was beating him with her vagina, and he didn't like it."
Posted by: Michael | June 10, 2009 at 04:54 PM
Oh and the bride and groom's bad-acting really ruined the illusion of the whole 'relationship.'
Posted by: Michael | June 10, 2009 at 04:55 PM
Paris Hilton oddly enough reminds me of Martha Stewart in the way that she looks. I don't know what it is... But it's there.
Posted by: Mouchois Melvin | June 10, 2009 at 04:58 PM
"Now that we have our icecream, give me the scoop." Definitely. I love to think about the thought that went into that weak pun arrangement. :)
Posted by: snarkle | June 10, 2009 at 05:05 PM
Paris will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be forgiven for ruining Lady Gaga's hair bow.
Posted by: Kat | June 10, 2009 at 05:25 PM
Arika was my best friend's roommate and though I haven't had many interactions with her, it didn't surprise me that she made out with the "groom."
Underneath all that skank, she really was a sweet girl. Heh.
Posted by: Ali | June 10, 2009 at 06:25 PM
Mouchois - my friend and I thought her new short hair makes her look, during some scenes, like Judith Light.
Posted by: Michael | June 10, 2009 at 07:00 PM
The blondie who got picked on (not looking up her name) reminded me of Bikini Cori in this episode. Definitely a good thing.
Posted by: Wookie | June 10, 2009 at 07:39 PM
Things Paris does not condone:
Showing your privates
Dancing provocatively
Kissing a taken man
Things Paris has done:
Showed her privates
Danced provocatively
Kissed a taken man
This show is just like the Apprentice in that I find the concept entertaining, but am infuriated at the way the "esteemed" host/judge makes decisions. Donald and Paris are both such rotten people, it's hard to listen to them criticize others.
The only thing worse than slut shaming is slut baiting. Of course the girls would expect that Paris, who had just made her BFFs dance on a pole the week before and is the most notoriously promiscuous person of her generation, would want them to go all out and entertain the men just as she had asked.
I hope some of these girls find friendships on the show with fellow contestants, because Paris would be the worst friend ever.
Posted by: Kevin Babbles | June 10, 2009 at 07:47 PM
I suppose it goes without saying that we all chuckled at the notion of Paris fucking Hilton eliminating a flasher of privates?
Posted by: hi | June 10, 2009 at 10:17 PM
from watching this show, i have learned that (to paris, at least) "friend" is just a synonym for "puppet".
Posted by: kaitlin | June 11, 2009 at 12:29 AM
Of course Paris had to eliminate the quiet ugly girl who needs 10lbs of make-up to look even semi-attractive, rather than the psychotic bitch who plays innocent and is hated by the majority of the house. What self-promoting narcissist would care about looking for a friend when there's drama to capture and ratings to boost?
It kind of astounds me that not one of the contestants have seen through Paris' cruelty. What BFF? She's so fucking cruel. I mean, their blind devotion to her reminds me of that of the citizens of North Korea to their Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il. Orrr maybe these folks are smarter than we think and have already weighed the cost/benefit of keeping it mute (and cute) and acting like unintelligent bimbos.
Also, someone please get rid of that girl who looks like the lovechild of Amy Winehouse and Norelle from ANTM, only 20x uglier - I didn't even think this was possible. She's seriously offensive to my eyes and needs to reincarnate STAT.
Posted by: Lee | June 11, 2009 at 09:32 AM
Yo, what's the deal with the blonde hair bow anyway? Wasn't that blonde girl who liked unicorns on Project Runway season 3 unfairly eliminated for putting that thing on her model?
Posted by: jonn | June 11, 2009 at 12:01 PM
Every week Paris and her crusty crabby crew berate a contestant for doing something that Paris has done a MILLION TIMES. Making out with a taken man? Check. Talking in an affected cutesy voice? Check. Talking shit about people and then saddling up to them when they are in control? Check.
Posted by: Jamie | June 11, 2009 at 06:23 PM
The Winehouse-looking girl is an amazing source of one-liners though. In reference to the BFF Mansion she said it was "thebomb.com" and later said that this was the coolest thing that would ever happen to these girls in their lives. Props for hilarious self-awareness.
Posted by: Sharon | June 11, 2009 at 08:35 PM
You guys, Paris doesn't make out with taken men, she makes out with men who used to be with women she used to be friends with (see: KFed post BritBrit BFF breakup and Travis Barker post Shanna Moakler BFF breakup). There's a difference. One is skanky and nonsisterly behavior, the other is just teaching that bitch a lesson.
Posted by: Maya | June 12, 2009 at 04:05 PM
My rotten brain thanks you.
Also- I could be reaching but I think "Tara" is the actress who played Bret McKenzie's girlfriend "Coco" in the Flight of the Conchords.....
Posted by: that's Mrs. Nigel Barker to you | June 14, 2009 at 05:52 AM
i love how paris keeps saying hungry like its a bad thing.
Oh she seems like a hungry tiger, blah blah blah, just toooooo hungry,,,,,
Bulemix 4 life!!!!!!!
Posted by: princemoney | June 17, 2009 at 02:48 AM
The best recommended products for fast penis enlargement methods to get better results with no side effect visit: http://www.pennisenlargementproducts.com
Posted by: penis enlargement | June 27, 2009 at 09:06 PM
J52Rsi
Posted by: Xgguzczt | July 15, 2009 at 05:26 AM
If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.
Posted by: wholesale generic viagra | July 30, 2009 at 12:43 PM
If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.
Posted by: veterinary viagra | July 31, 2009 at 09:58 PM
Want to get bigger penis size in few weeks without any side effects? Get best penis enlargement products that enlarge penis size naturally at www.penis4enlargement.com
Posted by: Bigger penis | September 16, 2009 at 02:02 PM
Better not to have friends like Paris. She is hot, but stupid.
Posted by: celebrity movie archive | November 28, 2009 at 09:31 AM