So, I was sitting at the Union Square Regal Cinemas with my friends Mark and Kerry, waiting for The Final Destination to start (shut up, it's in 3-D). Behind me, I heard this woman freaking out and fawning at...something. I turned to see a young couple sitting behind me. The girl had a bouquet of cellophane-wrapped roses in her lap. It was about as tall as she was, from the waist up. At some point, it came out that it was the couple's first anniversary, and the fawning woman was some sort of Regal worker. She was sassy, brash and loud, wearing a wet-looking wig and was probably around 60. Imagine Frankie...
...in a maroon Regal vest and you have the complete picture of this person.
I guess she gagged herself out of breath because she soon shut up. How much can you say about an anniversary, anyway? More than I ever would have imagined, per this woman's gushing, but everyone has limits. Soon, the Regal pre-trailer trailers package (whatever it's called: The Regal 20 or The Regal Beagle or The Regal Appetizer of Shit We're Shoving Down Your Throat Before The Other Shit We're About To Shove Down Your Throat for the Next 15 Minutes Before the Inevitably Shitty Movie You're About To Watch) ended. I'm sorry, since this post is mostly pointless anyway, I have to go off on tangent: Can you believe they have the nerve to show you pre-trailer trailers? You know how the nachos at Pizzeria Uno have tomato sauce and mozzarella on them and so they just basically taste like the pizza you're about to eat, or how cheese-covered breadsticks at Pizza Hut are just Pizza Hut pizza with some heavy seasoning but without sauce, but they give you that to dip them in, anyway? You know how pointless that shit is? I know it's yummy and all, but when you come down to it, I don't want pizza before my pizza and I don't want trailers before my trailers. Life is too cyclical for self-imposed redundancy. But then what can you do? Go late to the movies? Then you'd never get a good seat. Not eat breadsticks? Then you'd be cheated of the entire point of Pizza Hut.
So anyway, that shit ends, a few more commercials play, and I'm cursing existence as the, "Turn off your cell phones" notice comes up. After that, there's always about a minute of eerie silence. Except not this time because it filled with, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have in the theater a couple here that's celebrating their first wedding anniversary!!!! Give it up for them!" Frankiealike was now addressing the entire crowd and when she got done basically leading a Coke Zero toast, she said a few more words to the couple, now so slumped in their seats that the giant bouquet was about a head taller than both of them.
"You feel good?" asked Frankiealike. "Good. You're supposed to. Thank you for choosing Regal. Happy anniversary." The purpose of this post is to report that the finest couple of sentences ever spoken by mortal tongue are, "Thank you for choosing Regal. Happy anniversary." Realistically speaking, there is a good chance that these two crazy kids won't last (the first-anniversary screening choice of The Final Destination screams omen to me), but bound for eternity will be those two beautiful sentences.
Frankiealike addressed the crowd once more, between the first and second trailers, to announce a birthday of someone else in the theater. I assume that after she made her first address, someone felt his special day wasn't getting the proper attention, so he notified her. Fair is fair. Birthdays are as important as anniversaries and watching people die by getting cubed from being pushed through wire fences. After Frankiealike announced that, she said, "All right, New York, I'm out," as though this were Def Comedy Jam or some shit! Actually, it might as well have been -- she was more entertaining than anything in the movie. The tampons a character stuck in her children's ears to muffle the sound of racing engines were the only thing that came close.