It seems almost pointless to trash Jennifer's Body now, even though I saw it on Friday for that express purpose. It'd be one thing if it made serious money and I felt some misguided calling to tell the people that they're wrong (the millions of them who aren't reading this blog, even), but its opening weekend haul was laughable -- it didn't even pass the $7 million-mark. It's clear that nobody cares, that a screenwriter doesn't sell movie tickets (even if she has the privilege of using Entertainment Weekly as her printed blog once a month), that not even Megan Fox is much of a draw, in fact (even in a movie that lists the only of her assets that people care about so far in its fucking title). It's a weird instance of financial justice, and I'm kind of taken aback. Jennifer's Body, simply sucks, from its embarrassingly cheap special effects (creature transformation via wall shadows!), its predictable plot (if you've seen the trailer, you've practically seen it), its vacant commentary on the evils of high-school-girl-on-high-school-girl crime (it...exists!), and its hokey devices (I mean, Satanic sacrifice, like the kind they find in books? Seriously, that's the thing that's going on here?). I found Juno's dialogue to be excruciating, and Diablo Cody clearly wasn't going to change her shtick in its follow-up (can she even do anything else but have people spit sub-sub-Heathers, quip-sized extensions of her self-satisfied ego at each other?), but it's really the only thing that this movie has going for it -- it's the difference between something that would have struggled to go straight to DVD and something that landed in almost 3,000 theaters opening weekend. And, hey, at least they provide something tangible to be annoyed by, instead of just being generally mystified at what you're watching.
Also, how the fuck are they gonna under-use Amy Sedaris and try to get away with it?
So yeah, a terrible movie did terribly. Great job, America. Just for the fun of it, though, and so that I don't feel that I calloused my fingers in vain and annoyed my boyfriend with the faint glow of my BlackBerry for nothing, here are the particularly groan-worthy quotes, phrases and words I took down as I watched the film, listed in order from meh to someone-give-my-brain-the-abortion-that-Juno-passed-up:
"Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch."
"It's like some X-Men shit, right?" (Jennifer on her instantly healing skin).
"I'm a hard-ass, Ford-tough mama bear."
"She's actually evil. Not high school evil."
"PMS isn't real, Needy. It was just invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy."
(On Phil Collins) "Forget it, he's extra seminal, but whatever."
"Hell is a teenage girl.""Crass. It means greedy. Exploitative. Sleazy."
"It's true! It's on the Wikipedia!"
"Do you want to be rich and awesome, like that guy from Maroon 5?"
"Biffs" (phonetic pronunciation of BFFs).
"They're basically like agents of Satan with really awesome haircuts."
"We were our yearbook pictures, nothing more, nothing less."
"You give me such a wetty." (As in, we can assume, the female equivalent of woody.)
"Nice hardware, ace!"
"Total varsity moves." (That means advanced sex technique.)
"Boobs are like smart bombs: you point them in the right direction, and shit gets real."
"Shutties!" (That means "Shut up.")
"Sandbox love never dies."
"Is he packin' some serious pubic inches?"
"You are such a player hater!" (That's spoken from Jennifer in particularly monstrous form, after Needy just remarked that her hovering wasn't so impressive.)
"Cheese and fries, there's somebody here!"
"Move on, dot org." (That's a command.)
"Enough with the screaming! You're such a cliche!"